These are times that try men's souls. Suffice to say, all of you have at this point been exposed to the frightening monstrosity that is the unauthorized MBA tailgate video, a scandalous clip of footage that undermines, betrays, and debases the unimpeachable nature of a Notre Dame tailgate. I came across this last week on NDNation, and spent several anxious days hoping against hope that this powder keg would not explode into full-fledged Internet ubiquity, politely wishing it to quietly espouse itself with a deep, dark hole for perpetuity, guarded vigilantly by the surges of Neptune himself like the great Titans of mythology.
Alas, the cat is out of the bag, and much like the dreaded monster in a B-movie, no amount of pounding it with a shovel will cause it to wither up and die. First, EDSBS got on board, and like a rabid hemorrhigic retrovirus propagated through foaming monkey saliva, it spread to Deadspin, MGo, bounced off some French and Soviet sattelites, and is well on its way on its journey through the expansive realms of outer space, seeking out unsuspecting alien civilizations who regrettably have the technology to capture and decode the soul-crushing transmission.
As the unofficial and largely self-appointed arbiter of the Notre Dame fanbase consciousness in the blogsphere, this development was a heavy burden to fall unrequested into my lap. It's damage control time, boys and girls. Before we start losing blue-chip recruits, television deals, and our independent status as a result of this abomination, we need to be reactive and take control of the situation. Times like these call for men of vision, steadfastness, and unfathomable cruelty. Men like myself.
It is in light of these considerations, and with a heavy heart, that I have declared Martial Law at tailgates in South Bend, effective immediately. Under my supreme command, I have enlisted a powerful cadre of Gauchos on Donkeyback
who will be on patrol in all tailgating regions and delegated the utmost of discrescion to disrupt, break up, or cease by any means necessary any behavior that will cause further damage to Notre Dame tailgating. The Knighthood of Gauchos on Donkeyback will, under their authority, detain, prosecute, and punish however they deem fit anyone who is observed or suspected of partaking in any of these behaviors:
- Wearing Jorts. This should be a no-brainer. The fact that this has to be a law is indicative of the sad state of savagery we have fallen into in lieu of strong leadership.
- Participating in Organized Public Dancing. What you do in the privacy of your own home, the seedy corners of your favorite local drinking establishment, or as an individual on your own volition are no concern of mine. However, when scores of fans participate in a group line dance at a Notre Dame tailgate (and film it, no less), it becomes the State's problem. Severe punishments will be meted out on the site for this behavior. You will not be given an opportunity to have a speedy trial.
- Reading Poetry Over a Loudspeaker. Pay attention to this one. Not only is it expressly forbidden to read poetry, but anyone caught or suspected of listening to poetry, cheering for poetry, or tacitly approving of poetry through inaction will be punished swiftly and severely.
- Wearing any Paraphenlia that says "I Heart Ty". This video was made in 2004, so the usage in the video will not be punished (but be certain you understand that does not mean it is approved of).
- Any Other Action, or Suspicion of any other action, which the Knighthood of Gauchos on Donkeyback finds objectionable, subversive, or unflattering to the legacy of Notre Dame tailgating.
Break the rules, and this will be the last thing you see.
My friends and fellow fans, I do this only out of love. Love for my University, love for tailgating, and love for all that is good and right about college football. I do this not for my own glory, but out of slavelike devotion to my true lover, the majesterial and invisible fate of Notre Dame tailgating, a love so rapacious and all-consuming that I shall ne'er again feel the touch of a woman: the base, vile, carnal delights which fail to compare to the love I feel for Her.
Join me on this journey to restore Notre Dame tailgating to what it once was, and always shall be. These are quarrelsome times, but on the might of a fanbase and its devotion, we shall overcome this darkest of hours.
Notre Dame prevails.