The House Rock Built

The House Rock Built Gets Some Ink

2012-01-12T20:29:00.011-06:00

The House Rock Built would like to take a second or two to toot our collective horn about our recent bit of publicity in print media. No, we're not talking about Puppet Michael Floyd's provocative op-ed that made column C of the Wall Street journal yesterday (although, wow, kudos), but rather this quarter's issue of the Notre Dame alumni magazine, which on page 56 featured a two-page spread on new media ventures in football fandom titled "The House Rock Built".

We're honored, humbled, and let's not kid ourselves confused and unsettled by the publicity, and we're nothing but thankful for our loyal and dedicated clique of oddballs who keep coming back to watch our hyper-referential shenanigans.

Sarkozy and Merkel Play a Dangerous Game with the Future of Touchdown Securities

Another day, another round of posturing and political kabuki masquerading as debate and compromise in the Eurozone, this time about a number of quotidian patches to touchdown exchange markets in peripheral economies that are little more than a sideshow to divert attention away from the sprawling inevitability of an already-dediced grand touchdown deal that will ultimately serve to enrich, reinforce, and (if the brass in Brussels gets its way) make permanent the system of core-periphery touchdown dependence that, ironically, was the proximate cause of the collapse that catalyzed the need for these negotiations.

Meanwhile, the real lede, buried artfully under mountains of sturm und drang over the usefully meaningless "crisis" that conveniently cropped up in Latvian touchdown yields yesterday, is the free-fall in seasonally-adjusted touchdown splits over the last 18 months. Sweeping away the atrificially-induced volatility (and subsequent "dead cat bounce") caused by the farcical twelve days of the so-called "Saffron Revolution", it's clear to any Econ 101 student that the mean Nominal Touchdown Gross Product has plowed its way through numerous supposed "hard floors". Furthermore, the key inflection points in this precipitous drop correlate exactly with efforts toward "touchdown-increasing austerity" measures, leaving us all to wonder how any self-respecting observer can still deny that we are mired in a touchdown liquidity trap.

But rather than focusing on targeted expansion in the touchdown market, or at the very least tap into the strategic touchdown reserves at the European Touchdown Bank, Europe seems content to watch their touchdown zone be dragged into a sort of neo-fiefdom at the urgent behest of a shadowy cabal of touchdownologists whose very concept of touchdowns has not been widely credentialed since the time of Merlin, if not earlier.

Evelyn Waugh correclty pointed out that touchdowns are the symbol of the two noblest human efforts: to construct and to refrain from destruction. As we approach the 46th anniversary of his death (which I am still convinced was murder), it is important to take pause and reflect on the patently ignoble means that the elite consensus has chosen to save touchdowns, self-contradiction be damned.

Puppet Michael Floyd is a senior fellow at The National Touchdown Strategy and Development Forum, a non-partisan think tank that focuses on sustainable and transformative touchdown growth.

Stuffing the Passer - Ultra High Frequency

2012-01-09T00:01:00.002-06:00

The puppets head into the post-season hiatus with a touching goodbye ceremony. But there's no time to dwell on the past, it's back to work for the lads. Fortunately, just about every character on Stuffing the Passer has parlayed their internet superstardom into lucrative deals in broadcast television. Some of the shows seem promising, but, let's be honest, some of them don't seem destined to go much further than the pilot. It's a cruel business, but it's the only business I know.

Although, the last show at the end seems like it might have some promise. Could it be that the quirky spinoff show set in Lawrence, Kansas might have some wheels come next fall? Only time will tell.

See you next season, stuffheads.

Why are you laughing at my pain? Ugh, I hate this bar.

Stuffing the Passer - The Istanbowl

2011-11-28T09:50:00.003-06:00

After a rough first half against Stanford, our beloved Sockface was chloroformed, thrown into a burlap sack, and dispatched to Istanbul. We suspect he'll come back and make more episodes in like six or seven days.

Next thing I knew, the chloroform hit.

Stuffing the Passer - The Age of Persuasion

2011-11-09T21:06:00.002-06:00

There were some promising developments over at the advertising firm of Snappy, Snazzy & Snazztacular, LLC, the up-and-coming group of madvertising men in South Bend featuring muppet Dayne Crist and Sockface (who had no discernible football-related duties this week).

Landing a gig is tough in this economy, so when Johnny J came by in a desperate crunch to get his horrible and disgusting plain gold helmet revamped for this week's matchup, the boys leapt at the opportunity to land a top-level client. Will the boys come up with a game-changing ad campaign, or will they blow their advance on absinthe and come up with some horrible helmet design? Only time will tell. But, come on, what do you think?

I'm gonna say jumbo shrimp.

Stuffing the Passer - Mystery Adventure Time!

2011-10-26T23:21:00.002-05:00

So, uh, this happened. Look, we here at the House Rock Built love a mystery as much as the next guy, but clearly not as much as the puppets. The slightest sniff of some trouble afoot, and the lads are off like blazes the save the day, catch the ghost, and rescue the haunted amusement park.

Of course, all things being equal, we would have preferred for the lads to wait until after the game to solve this particular mystery, but what are you gonna do? When Mystery Adventure Time calls, you got to answer the bell. We get it. You can't win 'em all.

Exeunt! Stage right!!

Stuffing the Passer - The Gold Standard

2011-10-21T07:42:00.000-05:00

Well, the bye week is over, so it's back to work. Time to shake off the rust and get back to the grindstone. It's kind of a mystery how Stuffing the Passer reported to camp after one week off 50 pounds overweight, but offseason conditioning was never really our thing.

The big news this week is the snazzy new helmets that the lads will be sporting this week against USC. They're super gold. I mean, like, golder than gold. It's almost like how much more gold could they be? None. None more gold.

Of course, if you're a socially maladjusted crazy person like irishoutsider and myself, you can't read articles with titles like "Notre Dame sets gold standard with new helmets" and not immediately think about Ron Paul, monetary policy, William Jennings Bryan, and a gurgling stream of semi-lucid macroeconomics. This week's STP is... uh, special. It also features I believe our first ever cameo by a Nobel laureate. And, if I may be so bold, a line that I really don't think has ever been uttered by any human being before:

"Oh man, Ron Paul ruins everything! This is my 12th birthday party all over again!"

Stuffing the Passer - Futureball

2011-10-05T23:33:00.002-05:00

It was nice to see Dayne Crist get a few snaps in mop-up time against Purdue last week, but we're still concerned that our favorite eyepatched muppet has a little bit too much free time on his hands these days. It looks like that turned around this week when muppet coach Kelly assigned him duty to do a film study on Air Force for this weekend's game. Unfortunately, some wires got crossed, and we ended up with an Air Force-themed film written and directed by the inestimable muppet Dayne.

I'm really enjoying the pathos of this scene. It really illustrates the duality of man.

Stuffing the Passer - Source Code

2011-09-28T19:59:00.003-05:00

Another tough weeks of blunders and errors for the lads. Fortunately, they were able to escape with a win, but little do you know that they were only able to do so thanks to a top-secret government time travel program. Unfortunately, there were some externalities in the time-space continuum due to the rearranging of history, but no worries. What's the worst that could happen?

That was unforeseeable...

Stuffing the Passer - The Berlin Conference

2011-09-22T23:57:00.003-05:00

The Berlin Conference marked an interesting inflection point in the international system, marking the moment when the tact and skilled diplomacy that strung together a hundred unprecedented years of peace during the Concert of Europe was unceremoniously tossed aside when it became apparent that there was enormous money to be made scrapping the shopworn ideas of independence, sovereignty, and autonomy and instead yoking the entire planet under brutal colonial rule designed to expropriate wealth off the backs of unpaid, enclosured serfs.

I don't know why the recent spate of conference expansion, defection, and realignment got me thinking about this historical event -- maybe it's all the absinthe we've been chugging at the House Rock Built Studios. We've seen some wild things... like Notre Dame playing somewhat competent football against Michigan State at home. Damn, that's wormwood's freaky. So buckle up your seatbelts, strap on your spiked pith helmets, and enjoy this week's installment. And on a personal note to my high school guidance counselor who said I could never work Otto Von Bismarck, puppets, POGs, and college football into one video: read it and weep.

Because I'm Bismarck, that's why!

Stuffing the Passer - Bottle Episode

2011-09-17T00:06:00.003-05:00

Thanks for bearing with our spinning otter break. This week's episode is a tad late, but still in under the wire. There's nothing quite like a good old fashioned bottle episode when you're crunched for time. The lads found themselves in a spot of trouble this week when they continued their streak of monstrous unforced errors even after the Michigan game ended, as you can see here. No worries, though. Every time has its hero, and a hero emerges to save the day and teach us all a valuable lesson about crowd-surfing. Enjoy!

Hey coach, name's Mike Floyd. Don't want to impose, but I might have accidentally luanched your car into the lake via catapult.

Spinning Otter Wait Cursor

2011-09-14T22:57:00.002-05:00

Please pardon the delay in this week's Stuffing the Passer. Like any good operating system, the House Rock Built is fully equipped with its own wait cursor, the Buffering Otter. Way cooler than a beach ball or hourglass, I say.

At any rate, travel plans have pushed back this week's release, with fightinamish jetting off to Denver (where I filmed this adorable sea creature to your right) and irishoutsider pacing back and forth in his makeshift angrydome until he is deemed fit to re-enter society.

Your patience is appreciated.

Stuffing the Passer - Rain Delay Theater

2011-09-07T02:56:00.004-05:00

For half a century, Samuel Beckett's immortal classic "Waiting for Godot" has been the quintessential literary allegory for ennui, existential dread, and the unnerving absurdity that haunts our every waking minute as we wait in vain for something that will never come. All good things must come to an end, though, just as Godot's fifty-year reign did last Saturday in the rain-soaked, lightning-ravaged hellscape of South Bend, Indiana. Today, the phrase "waiting for Godot" has officially phased out of existence and been replaced with its more modern neologism, "waiting for the rain delay to end in the ND-USF game in order to watch the Irish flail about insanely and commit a hundred new and exciting forms of football suicide." While it may be a bit more of a mouthful than its predecessor, what it lacks in pith it more than makes up for in total accuracy.

Don't worry about Beckett, his legacy is still intact, as he will always be remembered as the guy who lived next door to a school-aged André the Giant and chauffeured him to class (Editors note, I will admit to being quite the horse manure peddler on this blog, but the Beckett-André the Giant connection is actually honestly-to-god real. The world is a deeply insane place. How wondrous is that bizarre and random happenstance?) In the mean time, enjoy Stuffing the Passer's latest foray, "Rain Delay Theater". Some laughs are had, some zombies are killed, and the occasional mock naval battle is performed in a hastily-constructed hippodrome. Bon chance, mes amis.

That's disgusting! Plus, I think it violates a number of maritime treaties.

Stuffing the Passer - Kelly's Eleven

2011-09-02T00:24:00.003-05:00

Stuffing the Passer went unintentionally epic this week. Our apologies. Clocking in at five and a half minutes, this gargantuan monstrosity has, like the sucubus of legend, feasted on our life force and drained us of vitality. Do not watch this video, it causes synesthesia. Time moves sideways now. Food tastes like colors and pain feels like a pastel-ish shade of blue.

Enjoy, you beasts. Football is upon us. Let us offer up mighty sacrifices to its wild and unpredictable goat-headed god. Never let it end, your holy goatliness.

You're clearly worthless. But I find you endearing for some reason.

Stuffing the Passer - Campus Tour

2011-08-22T21:34:00.006-05:00

The great French writer Marcel Proust opined that the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. Modern scholarship has revealed that Proust, by then deeply consumed by syphilitic madness, actually intended that literally, insisting that the path to obtaining true knowledge of the majesty and beauty of the natural world required gouging out the eyeballs of prostitutes, vagrants, and other social unmentionables and affixing them to various areas on one's face and torso. Mercifully, respiratory disease brought his reign of terror as the "Left Bank Dismemberer" to an abrupt halt in 1922, clearing the way for subsequent generations of literary theorists to discover the deep ringing of symbolic truth in the jumbled word salad of this crazed homicidal lunatic.

Verily, as we stand on the precipice of another college football season full of promise, wonder, and sheer unspoiled potential, we are reminded that we have not discovered a new and uncharted world, but are rather returning to a place that is the very opposite of the wild, unfamiliar terra nullius that is the provenance of great explorers. We are indeed returning to a place that is unflinchingly commonplace and well-trod -- whose arcane rituals, bizarre curiosities, and even its unsavory scandals are deeply familiar and recognizable. By being mindful of this paradox that each new season is unique yet wholly un-novel, we can truly understand what Proust might well have been trying to say if he had a shred of sanity left in his tortured scrap of a mind. We are not entering a "new football season". Rather, we are returning to the same football season that has been fixed and changeless for time immemorial, and it is our eyes that are new. We bear with us new hopes, new expectations, new fears, and new experimental and borderline-felonious alcoholic concoctions to dull or sharpen the pain or pleasure we expect to have dished out upon us. Enjoy the voyage, my friends, but be aware that only by looking inwards will you truly know where you have arrived.

Your loyal puppets will be joining you on this journey this year, and now is as good a time as any to get reacquainted. Submitted for your approval is what your beloved googly-eyed pals have been up to in the offseason.

Who here likes Proust? You'd better learn. That's how we do it in the S.B.

El Narcocorrido de Brian "El Churro" Kelly, Jefe de El Paso

2010-12-29T22:50:00.003-06:00

It's only been a few short days since Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly arrived in El Paso, Texas, but a quick glance at his Twitter page reveals that he has already worked his way through the ranks of the border town's seamy underbelly and risen to the position of unrivaled crime syndicate boss. The House Rock Built is slightly concerned that our dear muppet coach has lost sight of his work with the team and instead "gone native", but at the same time we welcome the comedic value of coach Kelly's transformation into "El Churro", the hard-boiled border-town crime boss slash illegal cinnamon trafficker slash blade runner that rules the borderlands with an iron fist yet an abiding tenderness and vigilant protectiveness for his downtrodden and impoverished de facto subjects. We say viva el Jefe! viva El Churro!

Not surprisingly, word of his poncho-wearing, gatorskin boot-wearing exploits have reached the barrios of Chihuahua, and the inevitable slew of Narcocorridos (go ahead and click to get a refresher - it's funnier if you do...) praising his nefarious exploits have hit the airwaves and filled up the cantinas of la frontera. This is one particularly jarring ballad that we feel deserves more attention. Escuchate:

¡El Churro lo ve todo!

Musica ripped from this jaunty ballad by Negra y Azul, a tune they wrote for the (fuckingohmygotincrediblenetflixitnow) AMC series Breaking Bad. Want to make it very clear that we're crediting them, because narcocorrido bands enjoy a reputation of being seriously tough bro-hams, and the House Rock Built desperately would like to avoid spending this New Year's beheaded in the Chihuaua desert.

Happy Holidays From Your Favorite Puppets

2010-12-23T18:06:00.001-06:00

Remember, every time a bell rings, an angel scores a touchdown.

Stuffing the Passer - ND State of Mind

2010-12-20T23:28:00.004-06:00

It's easy to lose focus in the long stretch between the end of the season and the bowl game, so muppet Dayne Crist has taken it upon himself to do his part for the team and help build up morale with a funktastic groove that is sure to make your bass get freaky.

By the off chance that you're not aware of the material being parodied here, first and foremost congratulations. You're a very blessed person and should probably just unplug yourself from the grid permanently and relocate to a shack in New Hampshire to preserve your precious virgin soul (that's what I would do if I could go back in time). If you're still interested in getting further background, well, I can't in good conscience give you the link -- I've got to sleep at night, yo, and I can't deal with having that blood on my hands. The most I can offer is this google search, tread lightly from there. Remember: if you stare into the abyss long enough, something... uh... bad... happens. I forget what Nietzsche said. I think it was something like your football team goes 7-5.

Let's hear it for ND
Catholic jungle where dreams are made of,
Most fun stuff you can't do.
I'm here at ND
There's lots of stuff that you don't know
Knute Rockne's alive, yo
I saw him at ND, ND, ND...

(Full Lyrics)

The House Rock Built Loves the New Big 10 Divisions

2010-12-14T14:19:00.003-06:00

Bang-up work by Jim Delany this week in naming the new, ungeographic and unthematic divisions in the new Big Ten the "Leaders" and "Legends" divisions. We suggest you show off your conference spirit with this awesome shirt:

Stuffing the Passer - Boiler Room!

2010-12-07T08:48:00.001-06:00

Most Notre Dame fans across the world got a real treat the other day when the entire phone list was robo-called by the University ticket office, with a recording of none other than our own muppet Michael Floyd urging us to buy tickets to the upcoming Irish bowl game in El Paso (I say "most", because unlike irishoutsider, I was able to convince the ND alumni office that I died, alongside my trusty Sherpa, in a tragic heli-skiing accident at the Khumbu icefall in early 2006. Needless to say, it cost a pretty penny to counterfeit the full dental records, autopsy photos, and sworn deposition from the Sherpa's tribal elder that the University demanded in order to remove me from the calling list, but it was well worth it. Instead of getting daily calls from ND begging for money, my "grieving widow" only gets hit up for cash once a month [in addition to the several fundraising drives every year]. You would not believe how nice it is to have that extra free time...).

Needless to say, the lads are hard at work pushing for that bowl game sellout and the Cadillac El Dorado that goes to the biggest seller. Their numbers have been flagging, so the University sent in their big wheel, muppet Coach Kelly, to give the boys in the boiler room a bit of a pep talk on how to turn the golden stack of leads into sweet sweet cash.

Remember: A-B-C: Always Be Closing. And, also, SLACT: Sell Like a Champion Today.

Non possession-specific!!

Stuffing the Passer - It's Morning in Notre Dame

2010-12-03T01:14:00.004-06:00

Our long national nightmare is over, Notre Dame. Let the sun shine down on your shoulders, let swarms of loving fireflies gently slather your body with kisses as you drink deeply in the luscious ambrosia that is the unspeakably wonderful and oh so forbidden nectar of the magical tree of OH CHRIST WHATEVER WE BEAT SOUTHERN CAL!

Apologies, readers. The House Rock Built has been drunk since Saturday night, and it's difficult to do much more than mash our knuckles against the keyboard while viciously swatting the swarms of bats that have been dive-bombing our heads since sometime around the third quarter of the USC game. Life is confusing now. The Irish are bowl eligible, USC has been vanquished, and this strange and itchy/burny sense of "optimism" is coursing unpleasantly through our ravaged veins as the month of November comes to a close. It's a bad trip, man, but we're going to ride this sucker out until we wake up from this crazy dream or finally asphyxiate on our own tongue. Bless you all, Irish fans. It's morning in Notre Dame.

It's allright, lonely little burger.

A Brief Break From Puppetry For An Observation

2010-11-30T00:10:00.003-06:00

Puppet madness is slated for shooting on Thursday night, with a Friday AM premiere god and rendering times willing. In the meantime, though, I'd like to present the House Rock Built's official postgame observations from that USC-ND game from Saturday, which we all agreed after waking up drunk and chained to a fire hydrant in Kingston, Jamaica on Sunday morning to be a rather uplifting experience. The main point of scholarly analysis we'd like to put forward was from the halftime interview that Shelly Smith conducted with Brian Kelly. Now, hang with me on this one, but...

	Begin with this shot of Brian Kelly being interviewed by the lovely and talented Shelly Smith.
	Select Shelly's hair.
	Copy, paste, then Image:Rotate:Flip Layer Horizontal.
	Hang with me now...
	Use the Clone Tool to add rogue, eyeshadow, and clotted chunks of mascara.
	Adjust the height...
	...and stretch horizontally 18%.
	Flip Horizontally, then rotate upward.

The result?

Now, look, we're not saying Shelly Smith is just Brian Kelly in drag, but the resemblance is striking. The resemblance is stunning and striking. Answer me this, internets: have you ever seen the two of them together? It is my hypothesis tha- oh, wait, yes... I've definitely seen them together. Never mind. Carry on, then.

Stuffing the Passer - Card Study

2010-11-16T08:54:00.005-06:00

The gang's hand signals were compromised, so they're switching over to calling plays with cue cards. Unfortunately, there's a steep learning curve. Thank god for the electrical college.

Look, kid, if you win the next two games you can call yourself Golda Meir for all I care.

Ten to the Sixth Power

2010-11-11T11:23:00.002-06:00

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled muppet insanity for a quick housekeeping note. While the House generally shuns mystical numerology, gematria, and various other forms of mathematical divination, we let our guard down briefly to feel a bit of a stir in the cockles of our heart-region watching the odometer on the website roll over ten to the sixth power. Sure, 1,000,000 is a purely arbitrary number only given special meaning by humankind's base-ten counting system which was undoubtedly derived from the random evolutionary foible that led to the churning out of creatures with five digits on their two upper appendages, but we're damn proud of it nonetheless.

The House Rock Built started up a little over five years ago, in the heady and halcyon days of the Great Misguided Optimism. Not at all unlike the football program it obliquely covers, the House has gone through a series of personal re-inventions, massive adjustments in attitude and scope, and the occasional months-long period where it just gives up altogether (the football team tends to do this every November, whereas the House at least waits until the summer to throw in the towel, much to our credit). Anyway, thanks. It means a lot to be able to connect with other football fans out there, and hopefully out of a million visits, perhaps I've made one person's day slightly less miserable. I'll take those odds.

-amish

Stuffing the Passer - Rear Window

2010-11-04T18:45:00.000-05:00

Poor Dayne Crist. After battling back from a knee injury to claim the starring role in Stuffing the Passer, another devastating setback came when he shredded his patellar tendon in the first half of last week's game. Life is an agonizing test, and this week has been yet another set of slings and arrows in the heart of Notre Dame land. But, onward and forward we must move.

The good news is that Dayne's surgery went very well, so now the long road to recovery has started. For the time being, though, he's stuck at home in his big cast with nothing to do but stare out the window with his binoculars and spy on his neighbors. Fortunatley, muppet Dayne lives in a pretty exciting neighborhood, so spying on his neighbors turned out to be more entertaining than any football game he's ever played in. Always look on the bright side of life.

Enjoy this week's flick, gang. Watch for the cliffhanger at the end. Will we get a thrilling conclusion to this story next week? Or will we just not care about continuity and just go on like nothing happened? Only one way to find out!

Put a towel on, you freak!

Stuffing the Passer - A Day in the Life

2010-10-26T15:53:00.002-05:00

Coach Kelly is a pretty busy guy, as we found out during the telecast of the game last week. His schedule is jam-packed with all kinds of important events, like gladhanding donors, meeting with basketball recruits, gladhanding donors, gladhanding alumni, and gladhanding donors. Such is the life of a coach at a division one football program, and that's just the way the business goes these days. Our one minor tiny critique is that perhaps squeezing in some time to teach the team football between Long John Silvers dedication ceremonies would be better for everyone involved. But that's just us.

What is that, an ocelot?

Stuffing the Passer - Halftime Assessment

2010-10-20T23:06:00.001-05:00

Halftime is a good time to take stock of your situation, assess your strengths and weaknesses, and make adjustments to your strategy for the decisive frame. Also, it's a good time to vent. And vent and vent and vent. Muppet Coach Kelly had quite a bit to vent about at halftime of the Western Michigan game, but I don't think anyone saw this coming. A sort of transcendent beauty crept into it after a while, don't you think?

This is beautiful television!

Stuffing the Passer - A Word from Our Sponsors

2010-10-15T01:31:00.004-05:00

Let's face facts, folks, everybody's struggling to make ends meet these days. Even the University of Notre Dame, overstuffed mackerel-snapping extortionist robber-barons the lot of them are, have to turn to corporate America now and again for a little nip from the feedbag.

We don't begrudge them for shilling the latest creation by Adidas, the TechFit® jersey that clings suffocatingly close to the skin and wicks away sweat, but we also think it puts our beloved puppets in a sticky situation, as none of them seem to have the corporate spokesperson gene in their collective systems.

That's why it puzzles us that the marketing folks at Adidas decided to shoot their latest ad live. It seems to be inviting problems, not the least of which being the near-asphyxiation of their jersey model. Does anyone have a pair of scissors?

Oh I'm sweating, but it is not wicking, man!

Stuffing the Passer - Modern Chemistry

2010-10-06T21:16:00.006-05:00

It's always good to see the lads get a win, but it's hard to enjoy it when faced with the serious scandal of a football coach that actually raises his voice when talking to his team! Unthinkable! Just between you and me, when irishoutsider saw Kelly yelling at the lads, he fainted powdered wig-first into his Corgi's bowl of lightly chilled Perrier.

Fortunately, the monsignors at Notre Dame have decided to nip this little public relations tiff in the bud by placing muppet Brian Kelly on a strict regimen of happy pills. The bottle says "take two tabules whenceupon the onset of a severe fit-of-rage is felt forthcoming to calm the sanguinary humours of the blood. Repeat until anger has subsided or blood flows forth from the eyeballs". The expiration date says June of 1838.

Kids, if nothing else, this week's Stuffing the Passer is a cautionary tale about toying with modern chemistry. Shit can go sideways real fast, and there won't always be a half-blind quarterback and a wide receiver with slippery hands nearby to jam a shot of adrenaline in your aorta. Be safe out there.

UPDATE: Had to re-upload the video because soooomebody (i.e., me) forgot how to spell "thehouserockbuit.com". New version with appropriate-spelling yumminess.
My god... it's full of stars!

Stuffing the Passer - Shipping Up to Boston

2010-09-30T02:07:00.003-05:00

Going to play on the road is always a challenge, particularly the "getting there" part. The lads have struggled with the arcana of TSA rules (who says you can't bring plutonium on a plane?) and technical hijinks before, but they've really met their match this week in a cross-country (and then some) trek to Boston.

A special shout-out to friend of The House samari, who seems to be in the same predicament as our beloved fuzzy protagonists. You're not alone, young man. May this rousing allegory bring you comfort in this trying time.

It's getting wet out here real fast, man!

Stuffing the Passer - A Fireside Chat With Coach Kelly

2010-09-24T00:07:00.003-05:00

We've detected a bit of a malaise in the Notre Dame fanbase following a few tough losses and a volatile coaching change. We consider it our responsibility, nay, our sacred duty to rouse the Notre Dame faithful back into optimism and to shake off this crisis of confidence. It's time to start crying and start sweating, and I suppose, if it helps, continue drinking.

See, sometimes when the breaks are beating the boys, what we really need is for the man in charge to pull on his snuggliest cardigan and sit us down for a nice fireside chat. We hope it made you feel as warm and fuzzy as it did for us.

"Your mileage may, um... vary".

Stuffing the Passer - A Beautiful Friendship

2010-09-16T22:14:00.005-05:00

Back by inexplicably popular demand, Stuffing the Passer is charging back for its hopefully breakout sophomore year! Tucked, taped, waxed, and freshly married (I know, I know... I'm as confused as anyone on how playing with football-themed puppets and forming an enduring monogomous heterosexual bond can jive together. We're going to have to chalk it up alongside M-theory, electromagnetism, and the "socks disappearing in the dryer" conundrum in the "great mysteries of the universe" category. The less we stop to think about it, the better...), Season Two looks to be full of laughs, tears, and the occasional traumatic brain injury (hey, life's a contact sport. Get a helmet.)

This year, we bid farewell to last year's cast of characters, who all decided to skip out of town, get fired, or give up muppet life for a career in pastry larceny. No worries, though, after a brief bout of muppet plastic surgery and vocal reconstruction, a new band of miscreants have assembled to brighten your days. This week, the gang faces the faces the trauma of a close loss, the burdens of central nervous system injuries, and the dawning of what might just be a beautiful friendship. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll elect to give a very charitable definition to the "fair use" aspect of copyright law. Here's to a great year and the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Owwww, my throwing eye!

The Cooler Has Been Opened

2010-09-16T22:04:00.002-05:00

Puppet madness to commence in a few hours...

Puppets Will Likely Be Back Michigan State Week

2010-08-26T13:21:00.002-05:00

The House is in Amsterdam right now, likely sticking his finger in a dike (photo is unrelated). Puppet mayhem may or may not resume in the week leading up to the Michigan State game, God and jet lag willing. Go Irish.

Tom Hammond's Grotesque, Ill-Formed Clone to Join Tom Hammond in NBC Booth

2010-07-21T00:16:00.004-05:00

Hot on the heels of today's announcement that Pat Haden will be leaving NBC to take the position of athletic director at the University of Southern California, rumors have been rampant about who will join his inimitable broadcast partner Tom Hammond in the booth for Notre Dame football games this fall. In an eerie pre-dawn press conference at a hastily-constructed dais in front of Notre Dame's Radiation Laboratory, NBC and a team of unintroduced heavily-armed men in lab coats put an end to the speculation by officially announcing that Tom Hammond will be joined in the booth by a gnarled, misshapen clone of Tom Hammond that has been living in the subterranean tunnels below Notre Dame's campus since a team of unscrupulous scientists created him from a scraping of skin cells from the broadcaster's cheek five years ago.

Know ye know what gods feel like!

2-Hammond-beta, as the repulsive affront to God and nature is known, brings decades of genetically-inherited experience to the booth, although he has not seen any broadcasting action, nor the unrelenting burn of natural sunlight on his limpid skin, since being wrenched from the carbide incubator that served as his unholy womb during the cloning process.

"Unfortunately, there hasn't been a place for Nega-Hammond in the NBC Sports family until now," commented NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol from the safety of a reinforced bullet-proof lucite box several dozen yards away from the chained-down clone. "And although we are sad to lose the talents of a fine broadcaster like [Haden], we are happy that it provided an opening for us to return our beloved semi-reptilian hellspawn back to the fold."

According to one university source who was very, very adamant about not providing his name, Nega-Hammond was initially created to solve a pernicious rodent infestation in the subterranean tunnels, a task which he proved to be exceptionally adept at. Too adept, in fact, as the indigenous brown rat population in Northwest Indiana took a precipitous drop in the first 18 months of the clone's horrid existence, and leading biologists in the region say that an intact specimen of rattus norvegicus has not been seen in the region since the winter of 2007. It was at that point that Nega-Hammond's handlers lost contact with him, prompting many close to the project to openly wonder what the gnarled underbeing has been doing, and particularly what he had been subsisting on for food, since then. "The answer to that question," one highly-placed source in the administration was quoted as saying, "is beyond the reach of where nightmares tread," and then crossed himself vigorously.

The only known image of Nega-Hammond in existence. The camera was eaten shortly afterwards.

Despite going off the grid since that cold winter of 2007, Nega-Hammond was spotted by some ice skaters at the on-campus rink at the Joyce Athletic center, who complained of an eerie, croaky voice doing play-by-play of their figure skating routines coming from one of the vents in the floor. The problem was resolved without incident after maintenance crews pumped the vents with pesticide spray overnight.

Not surprisingly, the revelation of covert organ- and monster-harvesting cloneries on campus has sparked controversy on the campus of the Catholic university, as the Church strongly opposes the practice of human cloning.

"Tom Hammond is an affront to God and abomination upon this world. Our faith is crystal clear about that, and we are shocked and repulsed by his presence," commented the director of campus affairs, Rev. Ted Moynihan, CSC. When asked if meeting with Hammond's clone had made him rethink his position on the subject, Moynihan replied, "Tom Hammond's what?"

Stuffing the Passer - O Touchdown Tree

2009-12-21T11:29:00.003-06:00

As we conclude our broadcast year of 2009, we'd like to step back for a second and remind you of the reason for the season. We proudly present to you the Stuffing the Passer Players' Christmas Special (joined already in progress) and it's thrilling conclusion where muppet Golden Tate gives a stirring speech reminding us that the true meaning of Christmas is not trees, or presents, or YouTube videos, but touchdowns. Sweet, wonderful touchdowns.

God bless us, all of us.

On a related note, irishoutsider and I are happy and relieved to wrap up our production schedule for 2009, and are nothing but amazed by the positive feedback we've received from this project. We're going to take a few weeks off to rest and celebrate the Winter-Solstice-Gift-Exchange and Arbitrary-Gregorian-Calendar-Renumeration season, then get to work on a special offseason project that we'll share more details on later. Basically, we want to extend our appreciation to those of you who have indulged our weird fantasy and humiliated themselves by yelling "BACKUP pirate hat!" in socially unacceptable situations. Hopefully by the end(ish) of January, we'll have a little somethin' somethin' that we think you'll enjoy. Happy holidays everyone!

And lo, they were afraid, because he was made of many, many touchdowns!

Stuffing the Passer - Coach Kelly Gets Grilled

2009-12-14T21:37:00.001-06:00

After a long dark nightmare of a coaching search, Notre Dame has finally found its man in Brian Kelly (and, also, apparently, a thirteen year-old to design a website for him). However, before he takes over the reins, he has to face his toughest critics in muppet Golden Tate and Jimmy Clausen and answer some pressing questions. We think he fared quite well.

Tough questions, but fair.

Stuffing the Passer - Jimmy and Golden's Last Press Conference

2009-12-08T20:45:00.003-06:00

A bittersweet moment this week as the Golden Tate and Jimmy Clausen eras came to an end at Notre Dame, as both lads announced they will be heading to the NFL. To make sure that the event had all the gravitas that it deserved, the boys spent a lot of time worrying about the backdrop behind them and taking extra time to make sure it was just right.

The final result (shown on your right) was nice, but I kind of liked the earlier attempts as well. It's a whole process, though, this creativity thing. Sometimes the best ideas are the ones that don't make the cut. Perhaps those other backgrounds will make like the director's cut of their press conference footage.

I don't know, something a little more, like, manly...

Also, if you're interested in downloading those backgrounds for, like, your Christmas cards this year, they can be found here:

[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ]

Stuffing the Passer - Everyone's Free (To Score Touchdowns)

2009-11-30T20:07:00.008-06:00

Well, folks, there you have it. Five years into the Charlie Weis experiment, athletic director Jack Swarbrick pulled the plug on the strangely bipolar but largely ignominious experiment. Feelings are mixed at the House Rock Built critter lab. We were all really rooting for Charlie to pull it together and bring us back to the glory days of perpetually dancing shirtless in a meadow for no damn reason at all, but reality can be a merciless wench that snaps as back to attention about the fragile state of Notre Dame football.

Le sigh. We'll miss that little fuzzy goofball. He gave us some good times, some heartburn, and probably kicked irishoutsider up to the top of the liver transplat list, but it's always been interesting. His tireless recruiting and unending advocacy for the return of Notre Dame football to national prominence was sorely needed, and hopefully some top-flight coach can succeed and make sure that Charlie's blood, sweat and tears weren't shed in vain.

On a more House Rock Built-esque note, we noticed that ESPN cut away from the press conference before we got to hear from the man of the hour himself. We think that's unfair, and so we tracked down the footage of Charlie Weis giving his valedictory speech to the Fired Coaches Class of 2009. Because everyone's free (to score touchdowns).

We're all free to score touchdowns. Do what we want, live the way we want. And score touchdowns.

UPDATE: Had to fix a few gremlins in the soundtrack to the video. The new version sounds much better.

Stuffing the Passer - A Serious Coach

2009-11-23T19:07:00.003-06:00

After another tough loss, Muppet Charlie Weis seeks out some help and advice from the wisest man on campus. Unfortunately, things don't work out as planned. He's in a very serious mess.

I've tried to be a serious coach.

Stuffing the Passer - Wann-stache'd

2009-11-16T23:07:00.002-06:00

The Gang wants to get ready for next week's game against the University of UCONN, but first we have to clear the air about that event that happened last week in Pittsburgh. We've got this big hunk of populist bile in our throat that we need to clear out, and it's pretty clear the gang is starting to unravel at the seams as well.

It even looks like Muppet Charlie Weis might have pulled a Bill O'Reilly-esque freakout. I guess that explains the guys in suits standing behind him at the last press conference.

Don't worry, Irish fans, though things might seem bleak now, you can always count on us to whistle past the graveyard with the fury of an, ahm, thousand-piece orchestra... thing. You know what I mean. Stiff upper lip, lads. The puppets are your friends.

God help us all.

We'll do it live!

Stuffing the Passer - The Coach Who Stares At Goats

2009-11-10T00:20:00.002-06:00

Sitting in the gorgeous sunshine of a beautiful fall day in South Bend, irishoutsider and I were struck by how ruinous a gaggle of red zone turnovers can be to what would otherwise have been a downright lovely day spent outside. Naturally, the mind reels trying to rationalize a loss to the University of Navy in what was supposed to be a season where the Irish contended for a BCS bowl, but thankfully we found a safe haven of movie parodies to fall back onto to make sense of the events of this weekend.

Perhaps it's low-hanging fruit and only tangentially topical, but the mind just naturally clicks on this association when trying to make sense of Charlie Weis repeatedly running afoul of the mighty goats from the Naval Academy.

Location: Redacted

Stuffing the Passer - The Gang Sings a Sea Shanty

2009-11-04T00:55:00.002-06:00

Some games are harder to get motivated for than others. Sure, anyone can get fired up for the game against USC or Michigan, but it takes some special maneuvering by the coaching staff to get the squad amped up for a game against Navy. It's important to do so, though, since it was a mere two years ago that the Midshipmen snuck up on a lackadaisical Irish and broke a 43-year losing streak in hearbreaking fashion.

The good news is that Muppet Charlie Weis has a secret weapon for Navy game preparedness. What better way to prepare for your enemy than by using his greatest asset against him? I'm talking, of course, of the power of sea shanties.

Huh, that usually works. Sharpley... a little help?

The House Rock Built Wishes You a Happy Halloween

2009-10-29T16:45:00.002-05:00

Hey kids! Hope everyone is priming up for a fun holiday weekend, and bracing themselves for the spooky reality that Notre Dame will be playing a 1-6 team in San Antonio for no reason at all.

At any rate, the fellas want to send their best in video form, so here you go.

Oh... that's nice.... too. I guess.

Stuffing the Passer - The Road to San Antonio

2009-10-27T22:26:00.004-05:00

A cupcake game in a neutral site stadium that promises to be 90% Notre Dame fans. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I'm glad you asked. It looks like muppet Golden Tate might have some problems joining the team in San Antonio after a surprising encounter with airport security during his flight to San Antonio. Sure, it's difficult to pack for a vacation at this time of year, but there's a couple things you need to make sure you don't have in your bag before you show up at the airport... like plutonium. I'm just sayin'.

We don't go anywhere without the wildcat!

Oh, and as a heads-up, we've filmed a special Halloween episode where our fuzzy friends wish our beloved readers fine tidings for the holidays. Keep an eye out, it will be up later this week.

Stuffing the Passer - Here Comes The Hurt

2009-10-20T01:37:00.007-05:00

So... that happened. Sigh. I know what you're all thinking, that I'm just going to freak out, but that just goes to show you have no clue how deeply jaded and cynical we've all become. With years of hard work, irishoutsider and I have found a way to find something grimly amusing about every sidelong blow that fate sees fit to deal us.

Of course, the same does not apply to our fuzzy athletes and coach. Needless to say, the suffering they have experienced in the aftermath of this hearbreaking loss has been indescribable... Indescribable, that is, until now, where we find the one and only proper way to describe it: with a novelty cake and a video montage:

And the Academy Award for best offscreen cockfight goes to...

Breaking the fourth wall for a moment, we're going all Hollywood with Stuffing the Passer this week. This week's show featured High-Definition footage, brand new editing software, a new, more robust embedding site, and a big time Hollywood Budget of $12.46 (which we fully expect to get reimbursed for, once we figure out who in the world we can mail our expense report to.) Oh, also lots of dwarves from Indonesia who may or may not be here legally and may or may not be receiving any compensation at all for their laborious and incredibly dangerous puppet wrangling work. Hope you enjoy it! A lot of good people died so you could.

NB: Hi-Def version is encoding now. Should be up by afternoon. Once it finishes, I'll swap it out.

Update: It's up. Although I can't tell much of a difference. Is there a better high-quality video embedding site?

Stuffing the Passer - The Gang Gets Ready for USC

2009-10-13T20:21:00.005-05:00

If you're like us, you'll understand how torturously long the bye week is. Sitting around on Saturday watching other teams play football is like watching your wife salsa dance with a dozen swarthy gentlemen in leather pants while you sit behind one-way glass tied to a chair with a dirty sweat sock duct taped over your mouth. I think we can all relate to that.

As bad as it is for fans, though, you can probably imagine that the players are twice as antsy all week, especially when the upcoming game is against your most hated rival of all time. Needless to say, the excitement in South Bend is palpable, and in case there was any doubt, allow me to present video proof in muppet form.

So, to answer your question... the boys are pretty fired up.

Stuffing the Passer - Access Hollywood

2009-10-05T20:07:00.003-05:00

Notre Dame played a pretty thrilling game last week against Washington, but if you happened to be watching it on television in the Chicago metro area, like your beloved narrator, you were treated to a network programming blunder of truly Heidi Bowl-esque proportions. You see, while the fans in the stadium were treated to a thrilling overtime drive by the Fighting Irish, NBC viewers got to see a cutaway to Access Hollywood that lasted right up until the Irish scored their overtime touchdown.

After burning my television, killing a drifter, and stuffing his body into an oil drum I proceeded to dump in the Des Plaines river, the anger had subsided enough in my bones for me to, with trembling hand, record those last fateful minutes of the game and post them on the internet. I dare you to try and watch this without being thrown into a murderous rage. It's just not possible.

Somebody throw a flag.

Something Odd Was Going on at Charlie Weis' Last Press Conference

2009-09-30T21:23:00.003-05:00

In this week's press conference, Charlie Weis fields some questions about injuries and scheduling, but something seems... I don't know... off. Have a look and let me know what you think.

We're probably going to need a lawyer.

Blogjammin': fightinamish Returns From His Cloud Palace to Chat with mgoblog

2009-09-11T09:30:00.001-05:00

Greetings, mortals. My non-divine friends have informed me it has been quite a number of your human months since this website has been updated, which came as a bit of a shock to me... you humans and your silly concept of "time". At any rate, I have dusted off the old keyboard, recovered the old password ("DemetriusJones4Heisman"? God damn, it has been a long time), and strapped on my blogger codpiece for this week's footed ball game in Ann Arbor.

Just behind Death, Taxes, and the fate of an unguarded plate of cocktail weenies in Mark Mangino's presence, the most robust certainty in my brief lifetime of blogging has been my annual chat with Brian Cook at mgoblog (you can also add "said chat devolving into discussions of sodomy, bestiality, and the dehumanizing practice of urinating on your fellow man" to that list, too). Even while on my celestial vacation, I just had to block out an evening to talk some chalk with such a sharp football mind, committed fan, and certified pervert of Brian's caliber.

In 2006, we donned Mexican wrestling uniforms, in 2007 we ditched the uniforms altogether and wrassled in tapioca, and in 2008, we dressed up like 18th century dandies in powdered wigs and slapped each other. For this year's chat, I decided to dust off my bell-bottomed leisure suit and my bitchin' roller skates (and my roller skate key) and took a couple laps around the disco with Brian cause hey man, love is all around us. Part one is up at mgoblog, where we talk about banging supermodels, aquatherapy, Quentin Tarantino masturbating, and (of course) quantum physics. Round two begins now.

(Into things like context? Read Part One at mgoblog first)

fightinamish: There's some high confidence in Notre Dame's experienced secondary. Does Michigan have anyone capable of rattling it (provided of course somebody is able to miraculously get the ball airborne downfield)?

Brian Cook: Michigan's just announced that two-touchdown receivin' WR Junior Hemingway is "questionable" for Saturday with an ankle sprain, so unless Darryl Stonum has an instant renaissance Michigan won't be going deep much, FWIW.

Undoubtedly a bullfighting injury.

Big plays will have to come in the run game, which certainly seems a possibility given Tenuta's blitz insanity. That and five-yard losses.

What would you do if Michigan lined Brandon Graham up over Rudolph, by the way? Leave him in to block or slide back over or just risk it? Graham was pretty wicked in the opener, nearly sacking Tim Hiller four times.

It sounds like Graham is the cornerstone of the Michigan front, and it's going to be key for the Irish line to keep protection against the basic rush and force Michigan to blitz if they want pressure. I would make a note of where he is on every play and make damn sure there's some help on blocking him or a mix of playcalling that will neutralize his agressiveness.

For what it's worth, Rudolph is a pretty lousy blocker, so I'd just as soon send him on a short route, since he'll probably be more useful against the rush downfield

I might just shove him in the slot and rely on backs to help out on Graham.

I'm sure you would shove him in the slot. But Kyle don't swing that way

Hey, whoah, Tom Hammond just entered the room.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Uh... to change the subject slightly, Craig Roh's effectiveness against an actual team will be key. Also, Michigan got some pretty good interior pass rush from Mike Martin and Ryan Van Bergen.

Again, against a MAC team.

I take it that's the plan, then... to try and get pressure on Clausen with the defensive line so you can commit the defense to downfield coverage?

That's what I would do. ND's offensive line has been shaky in the past and the front four got a lot of pressure against Western. Martin really is a spectacular interior pass rusher. I think you play man on the corners with a cover two behind it and rely on the DL to get to Clausen. If that doesn't work, then you can start playing with fire by getting aggressive. ND loves that screen/draw game.

But that's why I'm a blogger.

Indeed you are. Provided neither team completely implodes, this could come down to special teams play. I'm just going to take a look at Michigan's box score from last week and see how ever- SWEET LLAMA OF FRENCH GUYANA ZOLTAN KICKED A 66 YARD PUNT!!!!!!

It bounced and got like an 18 yard roll. But yeah, dude is from space. And... get this... you're never going to believe this... no... seriously... Michigan caught all its punts. Name one other school that did that in week one.

Ooooh... Happy learned how to putt.

Now we cannot be stopped.

Moises Alou used to urinate on his hands every day to make them tough and calloused so he could hit without batting gloves. Would I be correct in assuming that Michigan has been soaking their arms in urine ever since last year's ND game?

I'm sure Rodriguez made them as part of his devious master plan to have his football players play football.

Maybe that's what he did during all that extra practice time: Pee-kakke!

That would explain a lot.

Oof, I'm going to need some mind bleach for that visual.

I think we've definitely topped Tom Hammond.

How's the Notre Dame punter, by the way? Punt-tastic?

Maust was pretty solid last year. He didn't get too much of a workout last week, but he had a good average and, incredibly, 0 return yards on 3 punts. So, yes, the tradition of "screaming legion of sociopathic punt gunners from hell" continues here at ND.

Artist's Rendition

Be forewarned. An extra spritz of pee-pee on your returner's hands would certainly be in order.

I'm... I'll. Loud noises. I've been reduced to Anchorman references.

We also have a new kicker. That should be exciting. He's a true freshman who beat out two scholarship upperclassmen for the job. God knows the field goal game couldn't get worse from last year, but the prospect of competent kicking makes me tingly.

You could return punts maybe.

Well, let's wait until he actually makes a field goal. Once that happens, though, I'll be so sodden I'll be able to chop down trees with my bare hand.

Gross.

Well, we've had our punter discussion. This means it's time for predictions.

Oh yeah, predictions

I predict that Lou Holtz will drink a quart of whiskey and challenge Mark May to a swordfight.

I think you mean "thordfight."

He's mighty swift with a thabre.

I think you mean "thwift." WOO LOU HOLTZ LISP JOKES NEVER GET OLD

But yeah, the game... I think Notre Dame has the better team this year. I have no doubt that Michigan's a much improved team from last year, but take it from somebody who has been there before, it takes a while to was the stink of a 3-9 season off.

Controlling for variables such as spontaneous human combustion by either team, I think it will be a close one that the Irish eventually pull away with in the late goings. I'd say a late Irish touchdown makes it a 10 point game.

How about you?

This game is super hard to read because it looks like it'll come down to the precise trajectory of three deep balls and three linebackers on blitzes that will either intersect with Brandon Minor or not, and could go either way. As the week wears on I'm leaning towards the lines, where Michigan's OL should be stalemate+ against Notre Dame's DL--I am not an Ian Williams believer--and Michigan's DL a stalemate+ against Notre Dame's OL. I have predicted Notre Dame wins this week twice but um, maybe Michigan by 3?

(I have zero faith in that.)

Yeah, I agree with that analysis. It's going to come down a few key plays. One slipped DB or ill-aimed blitz will crack this game wide open.

Well, sir. It's been good chatting to you. Brian, I'll see you on the other side. And Tom, I'll see you in my nightmares.

One, two, Hammy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.

As always. May you die horribly in a fire.

May your hands grow thick as the mighty oak from the micturition of a thousand horny grizzly bears.

Last Chance to Cast Your Ballot for the 2008 All-Hairmerican Team

2009-01-20T00:34:00.002-06:00

Well, it's the chilly aftermath of the season, so you know what that means: time to hand out the most prestigious honor in all of college athletics. I'm speaking, of course, of the 4th Annual House Rock Built All-Hairmerican team. I'm currently compiling votes for the final team, but would like to throw it out to the audience real quickly to nominate any over-achieving Hairmerican candidate that might have slipped through the cracks. Drop a note in the comments with your worthy nominee.

Sometime next week, I'll unveil the Offensive and Defensive All-Hairmericans... the 22 most glorious mops in college football. Also, I will hand out the coveted Hairsman Trophy to the individual player who has achieved the highest excellence in outrageous hair for the year. Keep your eye peeled, because we've got a strong class this year. My independent accounting firm prohibits me from releasing any of the sealed results until announcement time, but here's a look at the spreadsheet that I've been working on all season:

If you're interested, you can catch up on the last 3 Hairmerican classes here.

Charlie Versus The Volcano

2008-12-24T12:52:00.002-06:00

Gird yourselves, men. Today everything we love is at war with everything we are more or less indifferent or ambivalent about.

Spoiler Alert: This game will end with you waking up in September in a cold sweat. What a crazy dream.

Interactive Fun!

2008-12-23T01:46:00.003-06:00

If you're like me, you're watching lots of football, which naturally means lots of commercials. If you happen to have that Subway song stuck in your head, feel free to use this handy soundboard to act out your own version of the song. Hooray!

In which the metaphor is extended

2008-12-06T10:20:00.005-06:00

I can be accused of having many opinions on Notre Dame football. All of them equally passionate, fleeting, and vociferous. I slide in and out of them so quickly and completely, that there are times when even I can't explain my point of view because there are traces of past perspectives across the board, leaving me, in a sense, everywhere at once. Anyway, before I continue the genocide of commas set off by my blogging co-defendant, let me get to my argument of the breadth and depth of the fucked-up-ed-ness of the situation.

There is constant analysis and navelgazing of virtually every Notre Dame decision of the past 10 (30?) years, all of them centering around choice. Who had the power to choose? When did they have it? How did they come to their decision? I would like to step back from this exercise in futility, no one can ever really know what was on (or not on) the minds of the so-called "Powers That Be" so much as no one can ever really explain to me how decisions are really made at Notre Dame. The real question is what is the choice Jack Swarbrick had to make for Notre Dame?

At the end of it all, Jack Swarbrick had to choose between Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.

Regardless of your opinion of the breadth and depth of the available coaching pool, and such analysis has firmly become its own internet niche, the point is that there are precious few coaches that can improve the program beyond what Charlie Weis has built. What the program so sorely needed was a reconstruction from the ground up, and in these efforts no one can fault Charlie. 8 years of heartless coaching and sheer arrogance had rendered the program a smoldering pile of ashes in the freezing South Bend winter. The talent myth has been broken. The facilities myth is buried under 20 million dollars of weight rooms and trophy cases. Notre Dame is a destination for recruits as long as there is confidence in the program. Its really hard for Charlie to keep flashing those Super Bowl rings when my even my grandmother has to hear speculation about this Brian Kelly person on WGN.

So, on most tangible metrics, Charlie Weis is our guy. Of course, on-field performance and its related perks are still in neglect, but how different is that from anything else here in year 12 of the post Holtz era? I guess this is the real point driving the issue. Notre Dame has finally finally finally FINALLY gotten most of the pieces in place, but we've locked ourself in to a situation that can only be fully described as sub-optimal. Weis has not been able to show that he can improve upon raw offensive talent, and his fatal flaw of over tweaking to the point of Decided Schematic Failure is obvious. Even in his staff improvements, he has not proven that he can be an anything more than a glorified recruiter/QB coach.

But, with all of the evidence at hand, and rather large stakes, what decision was there to make? Most decisions would have cost Notre Dame a great degree of capital. In terms of money, there was the buyout. In terms of public image, the school was unprepared to do anything more than unleash the Keystone Cops on the coaching carousel. In terms of recruiting, a lot was at stake to maintain the momentum Weis has built the last 4 years. All of these costs, regardless of respective size and importance, factored in to the effective price of the decision, and despite our combined hopes and dreams for the program, none of them include an athletic director that fails to see the proper risk/reward. Chasing good money with bad money got Notre Dame into this mess so many years ago, and believing that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result is the very definition of insanity.

Waterloo

2008-12-03T23:52:00.009-06:00

Sorry to keep popping my head up only for serious things, but these I suppose are serious, joyless times under the Golden Dome, and now is a good time to take a deep breath and take stock. Humor will return next year, I promise.

If you haven't heard already, Charlie Weis will more likely than not be the coach in 2009, which I'm sure this readership regards with a wide spectrum of emotions ranging from "the-soup-is-too-cold-and-has-what-appears-to-be-a-portion-of-an-insect-in-it-but-the-waitress-is-really-rude-and-it's-probably-not-really-worth-making-a-scene-over-so-what-the-hell-i'll-just-be-a-grown-up-about-everything-and-try-my-best-to-enjoy-my-lukewarm-meal-because-seriously-with-the-recession-and-the-wars-and-everything-it's-not-terribly-bad-cosmically-speaking" (which, not that you asked, is the official emotional position of this blog. Well, I'm not sure about irishoutsider, he can speak for himself if he ever finds the time to post) to the more NDNation-esque reaction of basic smashing-all-electrical-appliances-in-the-house and whatnot. Regardless, it's time to get pragmatic about it and sort of lay a framework, emotion-wise, for how to handle the 2009 campaign and generally minimize drunken Domer-on-drunken Domer violence should the subject of Notre Dame football come up in bar conversation over the next twelve months or so.

PART ONE: IN WHICH WE BRIEFLY POST-MORTEM THIS YEAR, BUT ONLY A LITTLE

We'll first go to the tape to see where we stand at the conclusion (potential bowl game notwithstanding, and, you know, not meaningfully regarded anyway) of this letdown of a season. Taking a look back at my statistically wonky data sheet I cooked up last week (with updated numbers and averages), we can safely say that the running game has not changed from 2007. Last week, I saw a 10 or so yard difference from last year, but I've since fished out that all that change in rushing yardage is attributable to the change in sack yardage from last year, which I forgot counts toward rushing totals in the college game. Restoring itself from epic futility last year, this year's team was able to hew off about 19.5 yards of sack yardage (ugh, redundancy [sic], but I don't know how to recast that sentence. Sorry, grammar Nazis), which more than accounts for the supposed improvement from last year. The pass protection improvement aside, this means that in terms of actually lining up and running the ball, the 2008 team was the same as (actually, worse than, although statistically insignificantly so [triple adverb score! {sorry, I'm at a heightened sense of grammatical awareness after spending this football season distracting myself by reading through the complete works of David Foster Wallace, which I guess would also explain the excessive parenthetical action you're getting here too, now that I think about it (footnotes being not really an option in the whole format of blog posting, after all)}]) the 2007 team, sort of undermining the whole experience excuse from last year (hopefully you still remember what we were talking about before that whole parenthesis thing, which, again, sorry).

On the other hand, the passing numbers are undeniably better, even better than I first expected when I glibly tried to write it off as the result of a single player. Properly assigning sack yardage to the passing statistics, you can see a net improvement of 117.57 yards per game, which is a whole hell of a lot, actually. Just looking at the pretty pretty colors on my chart, it can be stated with some statistical authority that the team has, in fact, improved in overall offense from last year, which shouldn't be interpreted as great praise for the team considering what they started with, but should be passively observed.

PART TWO, IN WHICH WE LOOK AT NEXT YEAR

Maybe if I say it really fast, I won't get my skin flayed off by cynical Irish fans, so... TheOverallTalentOnTheRosterIn2009IsEnoughToGetOneExcitedDespiteTheLastTwoYears. Yes, yes, they're all underperforming bums who haven't been taught the fundamentals of football &c., but 2009 will be the, roster-wise, the payoff year for having Charlie Weis do his Recruitasaurus Rex job that (if you read between the lines of the athletic director's sort of faintly mumbling vote of confidence) is, ostensibly, the main thing that is keeping him (Charlie, that is) employed for another year. The 2009 Irish offense will line up end to end with 4- and 5-star upperclassmen, even at many backup positions. As a result of his (supposed) retention, Charlie Weis will get at least one year to get behind the wheel of the offensive big rig that he (earnest praise for coach coming up here, so shield your eyes if you don't want to see it) worked his ever-loving ass off on the recruiting trail to build. Now, history (and statistics, q.v. supra) has (or have? Do parenthetical expressions change the plurality of a sentence's subject?) shown that developing high school talent into college football players is not even remotely within the skill set of this coaching staff, but I guess next year will be the big chance to prove or disprove that once and for all.

Defensively, the outlook is bright too, especially since the unit wasn't half bad to begin with this year. And, of course, the schedule, for better or for worse, will once again continue its path of being dumbed down. It's a little to early to go line-by-line and start picking games damn near a year in advance, but on paper I think it's fair to say that the Irish will have superior talent and experience (that latter being crucial to the equation) to 11 of the teams on the schedule.

In light of this, I think that expectations for 2009 should be very high (hopes, on the other hand, are free to and probably encouraged to plunge into the abyss). The standard for success for 2009 should be set very high, and withering punishment should be wrought down on those responsible if they are not attained.

PART THREE, IN WHICH WE TALK ABOUT THIS "COACHES HOT SEAT" AND REPLACEMENT STRATEGY, IF NEED BE

You can allow yourselves to be relieved about the retention of Charlie Weis (even if you're among the television-smashing crowd, q.v. supra) because it means that this winter will not involve the bungling, super-publicized campaign of futility that would be a brand new athletic director still unpacking his clickly-clacky kinetic energy balls on string thing at his desk (I'll save you a thousand words and link a picture. What the hell are those things called?) ambling around the country looking for the sixth Irish coach of the decade without any sort of plan or design at all. Ceding 2009 to the "Hot Seat" gives the administration a chance to conduct its due diligence in the privacy of its own office. Regardless of whether it turns out to be necessary or not, the athletic department will need to spend the next year compiling names, checking (and re-checking, by God!) resumés, and sending out innocuous, non-illegal feelers and whatnot so that a big, thick, detailed action plan (and I mean, literally, a giant book with one of those fancy leather covers) will be in hand if firing becomes necessary at the end of the year (note, this also means getting a very precise handle on this buyout clause).

We'll talk more about the objective standards of the Hot Seat as the season gets closer and we have a good handle on what the competition will be like, but as of today I think 10 regular season wins is a pretty safe number to guess, determined by "How many wins could [insert Tier 2 coaching candidate that we passed on this year, e.g. Brian Kelly] scrap together with this talent?" After that, it's just sit back and enjoy the ride. If Charlie Weis can do it, then saints be praised, we might actually be on the right track. If not, then at least his successor will be stepping into a much, much better job than the one he inherited. While I'm sure this legacy would be viewed as a crushing failure for a hyper-competitive guy like Weis who, let's face it, had wanted ("had wanted" sounds clumsy here, but I want to stress the use of the conditional tense. Using the past tense "wanted" would make it sound like his fate was already sealed, which it is this blog's editorial opinion that it is not) with all his being to succeed at this job, I think at the end of the day Irish fans, who have been through every form of soul-suckerpunching that exists over the last decade, will (erm, I mean, would), in time, learn to count it as a blessing.

Progress!

2008-11-23T22:58:00.005-06:00

Hey party animals, just thought I'd come out of exile briefly to throw some knowledge down on you. I'm not going to cry my little heart out or spray piss and vinegar about the severely disappointing 2008 Irish squad, because we're all, I'm sure, feeling the same way about... all that noise. Your faithful reporter just wanted to share with you some insights he received when ruminating over the offensive statistics over the past two years trying to flesh out some kind of workable hypothesis as to what the hell is going on with this team.

So here's what I did. I filled out this spreadsheet, a sort of dizzying jumble of numbers for those of you who aren't like in tune with the bizarre machinations of my mind. Essentially, I tried to put our offensive statistics from each game over the last two years into a meaningful context by comparing our rushing and passing totals with our opponents' defensive averages over the course of the year, essentially coming up with a metric on how our performance against any given defense rated stacked up against the other 11 teams they played over the course of the year. The verdicts?

1.) There was absolutely zero improvement in our rushing game. In 2007, the Irish averaged 52.81 fewer rushing yards against their opponents than the rest of their opponents. One full year of maturity, strength training, and coaching later, the 2008 Irish are averaging 41.06 fewer yards against their opponents, an "improvement" of just over 10 yards a game. It's an unqualified failure for this coaching staff to start with one of the worst offenses in college football and, working tirelessly a year, increase their production by 30 feet every 60 minutes.

The statistics look grimmer if you filter out the first three games of 2007, when the Demetrius Jones spread option experiment was still being vaguely employed. Using the rushing averages from only the last 9 games of 2007, the 2008 team has actually regressed to the tune of 10 yards per game. You read that right, we actually found a way to get worse than 2007 in this area.

2.) There has been an undeniable improvement in the passing game. Hey, some good-ish news! With an extra year of maturity and system work and coaching and whatnot, Jimmy Clausen has improved his per game output from negative 52.23 to positive 35.94, an (very significant) improvement of 88.17 yards per game. These stats, obviously, don't take into account his explosive increase in interceptions, but I think the point is clear enough that the 2008 Irish squad has actually improved its ability to legitimately move the ball down the field via the pass.

3.) Michael Floyd's added presence almost singlehandedly defines this increase in production. Remember that 88.17 yards of improvement in the passing game I mentioned? A certain monstrous freshman (the only new skill position starter on the roster) who has spent the season leaping over defenders and catching jump balls averages 78 yards per game this season. Aside from those ten extra passing yards and the ten rushing yards I mentioned in part 1, Michael Floyd is responsible for the entire improvement in this offense from 2007. So what happened when he got injured at the very beginning of the Navy game? The offense went in the toilet. After six straight games of exceeding the average yardage surrendered by the opposing defense, the Irish underachieved the next two games by an average of 50 yards.

I guess the bottom line is that the offensive statistics indicate that the 2008 Irish are the 2007 Irish with one exceptional player thrown into the mix. Pretend the rushing game is the "control group", which is to say it had no talent added to it from last year and only a year of coaching and maturing to improve. The result? No statistically significant change. The passing game is the test group, which has a dynamic player added to it plus, just like the other group, a year's worth of seasoning and coaching, resulting in an improvement equal to the dynamic player's output.

Perhaps it's a bit self-serving with the data to say that this (admittedly completely ad-hoc) study shows that the "coaching and seasoning" factor for improvement is zero, but I think it's pretty hard to dispute looking over the numbers. I'm prepared to say, drawing from this data, that the offensive coaching staff has failed to do anything at all to improve the talent already on the team over the last year, and the only reason there has been a statistical improvement from last year's (historically) bad offense is the injection of a talented freshman.

N.B.: My subjective opinion is that the defense actually did improve this year, although I don't have the heart right now to go over the numbers like I did here. Right now, I just kind of want to cry and drink gin for a little while. Maybe I'll do this same thing for the defense after I've stuffed my face with a few chocolate cheesecakes.

FailTrees.com

2008-10-06T15:14:00.001-05:00

Jim Harbaugh Writes Scathing Complaint Letter to Pac 10 Referees

2008-10-06T14:31:00.004-05:00

Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh rocked the college football world this afternoon by firing off a tersely-worded, spelling-error laced letter to Dave Cutaia, the chief of officials in the Pac 10 conference.

The play in question happened after a Stanford punt where a Cardinal defender knocked down the ball with his shoulder pad and then another downed the ball before inexplicably running with the ball into the end zone after the whistle. Harbaugh stormed out onto the field and screamed at the officials for several minutes, demanding that the Cardinal be awarded a touchdown irrespective of the interference penalty, the fact that no Irish player touched the ball, the fact that there was no fumble, and in the rule that a kicking team can not advance a muffed punt. After flinging his hat into the stands, Harbaugh threw himself bodily onto the field and went completely limp, forcing one of the line judges to drag him by his arm onto the sidelines during an NBC commercial break.

In his post game statement, Harbaugh displayed an outstanding lack of self-awareness by calling out the football knowledge of the referees while, at the same time, demonstrating his own total ignorance of the rules regarding advancing muffed punts.

"We got a couple of bad calls. It's hard to imagine people don't know football any better than that. I still can't get over it. It was a really bad call. It should have been our ball and a touchdown for us."

While most people might consider an embarrassing childish display and a hilariously ironic post-game quote a successful day's work, Harbaugh showed that can-do spirit that has made him such an endearing figure in Palo Alto by not letting it end there, instead taking it one step further by sending out this letter to the Pac 10 conference this morning.

BREAKING NEWS: Joe Tiller Falls Asleep at Table Trying to Read Morning Paper Again

2008-09-30T14:13:00.005-05:00

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN -- Sources have confirmed that at approximately 7:28 AM this morning, retiring Purdue football coach Joe Tiller collapsed at his breakfast table in West Lafayette, into what doctors are calling a "very brisk slumber". Tiller, 65, was reported to be in "good health and high spirits" only moments before the dreadful incident by his wife, Arnette, who observed him gingerly sipping a half a cup of decaffeinated coffee and leafing through the front section of the Lafayette Journal and Courier.

"He seemed perfectly fine to me," a frazzled Arnette remarked to reporters on the scene. "I went into the living room to answer the phone, and five minutes later, I came back and found him... like this."

Paramedics on the scene conducted a thorough examination on Tiller. His face was still pressed firmly against page three of the newspaper and his hand was still gripping the half-full mug of decaffeinated coffee. After observing the warm, expanding puddle of drool pooling over the advertisements in the right column of the Journal and Courier and his gentle, steady stream of snoring punctuated by occasional snorts and loud, wet lip-smacks, they diagnosed him as "asleep" and determined his condition to be "stable".

When asked if this scare would jeopardize the rest of the season, the doctor on scene was optimistic. "You'd be surprised how often I see this condition, particularly in people Joe [Tiller]'s age. About ninety percent of the time, the whole thing blows over within thirty minutes. After emerging from the condition, the recovery is very rapid, and he should be back to full speed within hours. The prognosis is very positive."

This hasn't been the first such health scare for Tiller. In fact, just yesterday, he collapsed in a strikingly similar incident, again at his breakfast table, and again fewer than five pages into that morning's Journal and Courier. Tiller was roused from his condition after only fifteen minutes, and reported that he was having a "lovely dream about reading the newspaper and then taking a nap."

Charlie Weis Needs New Transportation. The House Rock Built to the Rescue!

2008-09-22T13:11:00.003-05:00

There were a lot of embarrassing things that happened on Saturday in East Lansing, but easily the most preventable one was Charlie Weis' humorous inability to, you know, like move more than five feet in any direction. Several times, the broadcast feed cut over to Weis after a punt to show him hobbling torturously inch by inch toward the new line of scrimmage on a busted knee. About three plays later, he would make it over to where the action was, just in time to see another Irish punt and embark on another lengthy journey. It was sort of like watching a salmon struggling to the point of near-death in their Sisyphean swim against a brutally harsh current... heartbreaking, in its pure hopeless fatalism, but nonetheless part of nature's way.

While The House Rock Built can't really offer any advice to helping the on-field problems with the Irish, our crack scientists have come up with a wide range of solutions for Weis' motility problem that are cost-effective, easy to implement, and immediately effective. When was the last time you saw a Notre Dame coach do anything that would be described that way?

Solution One: Segway

By far our most intuitive and straightforward solution. For a few grand, you can get all the functionality of a personal motility device without any of the embarrassment that might come from tooling around the sidelines in a Rascal scooter. Plus, I know for a fact that Indiana Excise police has dozens of these things, since their storm troopers patrol pre-game tailgating to squash out any underage recreation with their shoot-first ask-questions-later brand of vigilante justice. I'm sure they can spare one, particularly since the Irish football team are their most valuable customers.

Admittedly, there might be some problems with this. For example, the high-powered gyroscope processor in the Segway might violate some archaic anti-laptop rules. Similarly, Weis' largesse might exceed the weight rating for a Segway, to which I offer this simple solution: A chariot pulled by two eunuchs on Segways.

Ha Ha! Problem Solving!

Solution Two: Hannibal Lecter-Style Gurney Thing

If practicality is your game, then the Segway makes sense, but something tells me that the Irish need a little extra boost in motivation after last week's flat performance. To whit, I recommend the Hannibal Lecter Gurney Thing. One sight of Weis being wheeled around in this thing by two orderlies in all white and opposing teams will run and hide. It's motivational gold.

Adding some frothing at the mouth would help, too

Solution Three: Exotic Contraptions

If the University is really serious about getting Weis up and down the field in a hurry, though, it will invest a little bit of money in an elaborate machine of my design. So far, I have two prototypes worked out. First is an elaborate horizontal dumb-waiter, which can be wheeled manually or (my personal recommendation), cranked by a steam-powered turbine and ultra-high speeds. Not only will this solve the problem of getting Weis up and down the field, but it will also help to prevent any future collisions, as he'll be able to get downfield before the punted ball even arrives there. Now that's progress!

Or, my personal favorite, the gigantic catapult! Accurately calibrated, this 15-foot trebuchet will use centripetal force to launch its payload to the exact spot of the line of scrimmage, where there will presumably be a large pile of mattresses or a net to brace Charlie's fall. Or, hell, if we lose a few more games like this, forget the mattresses. Two problems solved at once.

It's Saturday!!!!

2008-09-20T00:39:00.002-05:00

Hey... Go Irish.

And Now, Your Inevitable Yakety Sax Video

2008-09-16T00:38:00.003-05:00

Take your medicine, Wolverines. Take your medicine:

It's crunchy and delicious.

Blogjammin': Gallows Humor Abounds With mgoblog

2008-09-11T13:00:00.001-05:00

In the unlikely experiment that has been my last few years of blogging, I've got to do some pretty cool things, like hug a man in a singlet, break Orson Swindle's clavicle in a game of touch football, and survive the rain-drenched miracle that was the 2006 Michigan State game. But one of my favorite days of the year is when I go toe to toe with the other Brian at mgoblog and duke it out over the upcoming Michigan game.

Verily, we've come a long way since our first blogjam in 2006, when our beloved football teams both had championship aspirations. Each year since our inaugural chat, our teams have circled further and further down the toilet of college football, and it's quite possible we're responsible for it. Nevertheless, we must storm on, even though this upcoming tilt is reaching the paramount of absurd irrelevance. By God, the world needs laughter, or at least that kind of hysterical laughter that squeezes its way out of you between body-wracking sobs and unnecessarily large bites of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.

In 2006, we donned Mexican wrestling uniforms. In 2007, we opted for tapioca wrestling. This year, to commemorate this upcoming game, we put on powdered wigs and breeches and just slapped the ever-loving Christ out of each other. I'm in bold, Brian's in blue. Part two is available over at mgoblog. Spoiler alert, we talk about jamming footballs in people's butts. I've said too much.

fightinamish:Shall we tussle?

mgoblog: Okay, as per usual Proper Grammar and Punctuation will help.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

Sounds good to me.

Allright, (cracks knuckles)....

First things first. During the Utah game, they showed a sign in the Michigan weight room that said, "In a time of crisis you will not rise to the occasion, you will default to your level of preparation". Question: did Rich Rodriguez find that in a fortune cookie? Follow up: isn't it funnier if you add "in bed" to the end?

The answer to the second half of the question provides the answer to the second: "in bed" doesn't really go at the end of this sentence humorously, so it couldn't have come from a fortune cookie. My vote goes to "real estate seminar pamphlet."

Respect the cock!

Possibly... although I think it was originally written in Japanese and hastily translated.

But that's not even the best sign in the weight room. There's one that has a subject-verb agreement error that I'm sure someone pointed out to Barwis once.

Parts of that unfortunate soul's brain are still landing in former Soviet republics.

Times must be hard at the Athletic Department... with all the money they're spending on the stadium and practice facilities, it seems like they're outsourcing everything else.

Did you know you can hire Indian or Eastern European coders for like 10 bucks an hour? I'm looking into this. I plan on introducing MGoStatisticsWhatACountry! next year.

Document the offensive and defensive formations faster! Do you want to see your family again?

Gotta love child labor

It'll be an online version of "Coming to America" except with True Punting Rate and stuff.

I don't even know what that is. I just made it up. BUT UKRANIANS WILL MAKE IT FOR ME.

But I digress.

Indeed you do. So, to gradually guide this to vaguely relevant discussion, what's the quarterback situation going to be this week? It's been a mix and match job so far... will Rodriguez outsource that, too? Are we looking at Sareep Neheedamajet's first start at QB? Or perhaps, dare I say, an adorable golden retriever?

Given the way things have been going they should see if Carlos Brown can throw a bubble screen, but it will be Threet. Threet actually made a ton of good decisions against Miami (Not That Miami) and would have moved the team down the field consistently if he hadn't overthrown every downfield route by 10 yards. Dude needs to relax. Nick Sherdian will probably see time after Threet overthrows Tacopants on third and seven.

As a side note, I'm rooting for the big guy to win the job, as I thought of a really cool nickname for him... "Picabo Threet"

I like "Dual Threet," but that threatens to be *really* sarcastic against teams outside of the MAC.

Yeah... one of the commentators during the Miami game actually used the phrase "Pat White" on that first touchdown. Flabbergasting.

For whatever reason Miami (Not That Miami) was leaving those zone read keepers wide open. You or I could have scored on that play. Steven Threet could have scored on it.

So what, do you suppose, will be the offensive gameplan for Michigan. I can't imagine the Threet keeper is going to be a permanent staple... are you going to try to establish the short passing from the spread that SDSU showed some relative success at doing against the Irish last week?

I really doubt it, actually. Michigan has two types of passes in the arsenal so far: screens and downfield bombs. Throwing across the middle when your quarterback tends to overthrow guys by five yards is asking for a safety to go "look what I found" and intercept your wildly inaccurate pass. I assume the gameplan will be similar to what it was in the first couple games just because that's about all Michigan can do right now. That does include the keeper if Notre Dame chooses to disrespect it like Miami(NTM) did. Michigan is big on respect, capo.

Respect the... aw, dammit. I already used this joke.

I wasn't aware there was an offensive strategy in the last two games... although I didn't see all of the Miami game. My Tivo switched over to that "Hole in the Wall" gameshow about halfway through and I didn't even notice it for 25 minutes.

Actually, in the UFR's I've discovered I really, really like the offensive strategy. There's a half-dozen core plays that all play off each other and create a simple framework in which it's really easy to gash the defense for big chunks of yards. Michigan just sucks at executing it. Really, really sucks.

Really.

I only realized it wasn't the Michigan game when I noticed the pants weren't shiny enough.

Really. So, do you think it can take advantage of a Tenuta "Blitz By God Blitz Everybody" defense?

There are opportunities to do so. When that OLB nominally tasked with covering the little bastard in the slot blitzes and Michigan goes to the bubble screen they're one good block and one missed tackle away from a big chunk of yards. Same with the little flare route that shoots a really fast guy out to the backside of a play that looks like the standard zone read. The opportunites are horizontal, not vertical, and I think the spread sort of limits how exotic your blitzes can get unless you've got the opponent in an unfavorable down and distance. Michigan DC Scott Shafer is a tweed jacket version of Tenuta and he hasn't done much unleashing of the dogs except in obvious passing situations.

Copy that. Allright, serious question. What's the biggest thing you've ever seen Sam McGuffie jump over?

Charlie Weis's....

...ego!

ba DUM ching!

Hi-yo!

No, seriously: Canada.

I saw him jump over Knowshon Moreno while he was jumping over that CMU safety.

I loled.

Allright, you're officially off the Budweiser Hot Seat. Pepper me with your dastardliest questions.

Like I said, part two is available at mgoblog. It's a doozy.

Knowshon Moreno Has Been Upstaged, Again

2008-09-10T20:28:00.002-05:00

It's a tough year for Heisman hopeful Knowshon Moreno. We at The House Rock Built can sympathize with his beleaguered Heisman campaign as he struggles against all odds to break through the crippling anonymity that comes with playing in the oft-overlooked SEC.

Picture the scene: you've just made an outstanding, career-making play by hurdling over a sprawled defender, electrifying the crowd and catapulting yourself into the hearts of football fans and Heisman voters everywhere. You take off your athletic tape and pads and plop down on your sofa, eager to watch the talking heads on ESPN fawn over you for hours on end, and see: absolutely nothing. Devastation.

But you persevere, and gradually a grassroots movement develops on the internet to make a big deal about your spectacular achievement. Things are going pretty well... that is, until disaster strikes. You see, now that we've been able to re-watch the play, it turns out Moreno's accomplishment wasn't even the most impressive thing that happened on that play. If you watch in super-slow motion, you can see Michigan running back Sam McGuffie catapulting over both Moreno and the CMU tackler.

A legend falls from grace.

A Brief Treatise on Jimmy Clausen's New Hairdo

2008-09-09T14:49:00.004-05:00

Allright, we've all seen it. Somehow, deep under the radar, the golden boy at Notre Dame decided to grow a profoundly absurd new hairdo for all the world to see. Now before anyone gets hasty and mislabels the new 'do, it's important to get it straight that it is not a mullet. It clearly violates the "business in front, party in the back" ethos of the mullet, as it is "party everywhere". So, what do you call the new look for 2008?

Simple: hockey hair. The wild, stringy locks and flowing mane protruding from the helmet has been an iconic look in hockey for nearly 80 years, and has graced the domes of athletic legends like Dennis Potvin, Guy LaFleur, Brian Engblom, and yes, even The Great One Himself. So while people may laugh at his absurd hair, if you slap a Canadiens jersey and a handlebar mustache on him and change his name to Jacques Clauseneaux, it all looks perfectly natural.

Car ton bras sait porter l'épée, Il sait porter la croix!

The Hangover: SDSU

2008-09-07T10:47:00.002-05:00

We're really starting to empathize with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish this morning. Gradually bringing ourselves to a normal level of hydration, wandering around the city like some silent monk to restore our voice for Monday, we have to think that the players are feeling the same way right now. Saturday afternoon was like waking up from the bender that was 2007 and immediately trying to do long division. And even though we aren't exactly physically prepared to make the necessary critiques of the game itself, we're not in the most optimistic of places. In preparation for next week's Michigan game, we are heading to the local liquor castle for the following in massive quantities: Rum. Ice.

Just when we thought we were out... They pull us back IN.

Off to South Bend!

2008-09-05T23:38:00.002-05:00

Go fuck yourself, San Diego!

The Stinging Bite of the Newspaper Smackdown

2008-08-28T17:18:00.004-05:00

Rick Neuheisel made some waves earlier this week by taking out a full-page ad laying the smackdown to cross-town rivals USC.

Needless to say, we here at the House Rock Built admire the chutzpah of throwing down the gauntlet, particularly in doing so in such an old-timey fashion. Seriously, newspapers? In an age of television and radio and, ahem, blogs and such, taking out a newspaper to send a message is recklessly old-school. By god, I don't even think Pete Carroll even reads the newspaper. It would be much more effective to send a message via, I dunno, facebook or Twitter or some shit.

Mission accomplished, thousands of dollars saved.

Not surprisingly, Neuheisel isn't the first coach to take to the press for local trash talk, although there has been a pretty big layoff between the last prominent newspaper ad, when the 1889 Rutgers football team dropped the gauntlet on intrastate rivals Princeton. Sadly, Rutgers dropped its next 13 meetings against Princeton, which goes to show the dangers of hubris.

Rogue Bigfoot Hunters Trap and Kill Leprechaun in Northern Indiana

2008-08-17T22:16:00.006-05:00

SOUTH BEND - Hot off the heels of their recent capture of Bigfoot in northern Georgia, soldiers of fortune-cum-cryptozoologists Rick Dyer and Matt Whitton made good on their promise to hunt down and bring to justice a veritable who's who of mythical creatures ranging from Sasquatch to the Loch Ness Monster by bagging one of the world's most elusive and intriguing cryptoids, the leprechaun.

In a dramatic outdoor press conference outside of South Bend, IN, the infamous duo posed with their latest prey, stuffed quite ingloriously into a ramshackle freezer. The specimen, a diminutive, five-foot, five-inch bearded hominid with puffy red cheeks and a snappy green suit and cap, appeared quite convincing to the amateur and professional leprechaun enthusiasts in the crowd, although more skeptical cryptozoologists are awaiting further scientific testing on the remains before jumping to any conclusions.

"After thoroughly researching the mythology of the leprechaun and interviewing scores of eyewitnesses, we were able to sketch out a ten-mile range that we suspected comprised the leprechaun's habitat," Whitton remarked, clicking briskly through a PowerPoint presentation for the media on hand. "We noticed an abnormally large of sightings focused around the South Bend and Mishawaka area in Indiana, clustered mainly around an old, ivy-covered region nestled between two lakes that the locals call 'Notra Dayme'. The village folk warned us that it was a mysterious place full of strange religious intrigue full of great peril, but we persevered on into the uncharted areas and saw our stakeout through."

Whitton described spotting the bizarre, tiny magical humanoid creature in the very early hours of Saturday morning staggering out of a local drinking establishment, and the brief but harrowing firefight that ensued. In the end, magic or no magic, the pixie was no match for Whitton and Dyer's arsenal of modified assault rifles and body armor.

Noted cryptozoologist Loren Coleman, editor of Cryptomundo.com, responded with cautious hope about the veracity of the find. "While most contemporary experts on leprechauns felt that their habitat was limited to the hilly Irish countryside or, as some offshoot schools of thought have suggested, Mobile, Alabama, it's easy to see a migratory pattern that would place it in that region of Indiana."

Preliminary DNA tests on some samples from the corpse have been inconclusive, but further analysis will continue.

When asked what's next for the intrepid hunters, Dyer hinted that they are hot on the trail of a very bizarre half-human, half-orange cryptoid that has haunted the wilderness of upstate New York for nearly half a century. "We're closing in on him fast," he remarked, then added with a sly wink, "Don't be surprised if we're calling another press conference reaaaal soon."

Cyber T-Shirt Cannon: Strike While the Iron is Red and Inflamed

2008-08-15T09:36:00.002-05:00

Think fungal infections ravaging through a football team's loins is funny? Your goddamned right you do! Maybe it's time you make a statement with this fashionable shirt from the House Rock Built's gift shop. It's all the rage, you know.

A Historical Primer on College Football Training Camp Outbreaks

2008-08-14T17:14:00.004-05:00

Allright, you snickerpusses. Go ahead and have a laugh at the expense of the inflamed groins of Southern Cal's football team. As hard-working, decent football fans who love wang jokes, you're entitled to titter at the misfortunes of the Trojans, who are currently in the midst of a virulent outbreak of jock itch that has consumed fully 25 percent of the team. But before you get too out of control judging USC on this comical scene ripped straight from the pages of Revenge of the Nerds (or, if you're into that whole divine retribution thing, The Ten Commandments), keep in mind that college football has battled with infectious diseases since the very first days of the sport.

Naturally, when you combine several dozen sweaty strapping ballplayers in a low-on-personal-space community like a football training camp, you're creating a very loving environment for scores of creepy crawlies and pathogens to perpetuate their parasitic lifestyles unencumbered. And while USC might be the butt (or groin, if you will) of immature jokes today, they are not the first and certainly won't be the last team to battle microbial pandemics during training camp. A brief historical primer on the top moments in Training Camp Epidemiology:

1993, University of Georgia. Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome. In what was otherwise an unspectacular season for the Ray Goff's Bulldogs, the early weeks of August provided a great amount of excitement when recurrences of Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome scorched through training camp. The administration did their best to cover up the outbreak, but as the disease, which hadn't been observed on such a scale since George Miller Berard's 1878 discovery, spread into double digits, a quarantine unit from the CDC was called down to investigate and monitor the situation. Their findings indicated there was no risk for further contamination outside of the camp, and in time the outbreak petered out without any documented fatalities.
1981, University of Notre Dame. Dr. Strangelove Syndrome.
Hopes were running high in South Bend as new coach Gerry Faust stepped on campus, but things took a chilling turn for the worst on a hot day during training camp when Faust's left hand began acting entirely on its own free will. While the training staff initially brushed it off as a result of the stress of taking on one of college football's most demanding jobs, things took a turn for the drastic when two days later, future star tight end Mark Bavaro came down with identical symptoms. Two days later, a ten year old girl in South Bend and an incorrigible boarder collie from Mishawaka named Scraps were stricken, and the town was immediately placed under quarantine. For two agonizing weeks, national guard troops barricaded off the greater South Bend area while harried CDC directors briefed President Ronald Reagan about his heart-wrenching options should the disease break through the quarantine.

Fortunately, the disease was stopped in its tracks during the quarantine, and the barricade was lifted in northwest Indiana. While there were no human fatalities, Scraps did perish in a tragic accident attributed to his free-minded paw. An animated movie documenting his heroic struggle during the dark days of the quarantine come out in 1985, to almost universally negative reviews.
1951, Colorado State University. Severe Hiccups.
A case of chronic hiccups tore through Fort Collins in 1951, striking down nearly 2,000 students and faculty for nearly two months. With the entire coaching staff and nearly all of the players in the throes of agonizing hiccups, coach Bob Davis had little choice the first three games of the season, derailing a promising season for the Rams.

1888, Cornell. Koro
While on its surface, the idea of an entire football team being stricken with Genital Retraction Syndrome seems hilarious, the epidemic and resulting Penis Panic that arose from Ithaca in 1888 is anything but funny. While widespread panics about genital theft is almost only found in the more remote areas of Southeast Asia and Africa, it sprung onto the scene in upstate New York with a vengeance in August of 1888, washing over the entire college and surrounding town in a matter of weeks. In a frenzy, many separate gangs of vigilantes took to the streets the bring to justice the alleged "penis-snatchers", and in a terrifying span of 72 hours, 14 suspected genitalnappers were gunned down, bludgeoned, or strung up in town square. Even more lives were lost as the overmatched police tried to disperse the mobs. Terrified and outmatched, the local law enforcement deserted en masse and left the city to the scraggly groups of bandits who continued their purge of witches for the next several months.

Almost all records are lost from this lawless period, so it's impossible to come up with an estimate on the amount of carnage. In the autumn of 1888, refugees cautiously returned to the city with police and military escorts, and found, to their shock, a very calm and collected populace who had no memory of any violence occurring. After extinguishing a few fires in burnt-out buildings downtown, the refugees returned and normalcy returned to Ithaca. The Big Red even returned to action on the field, playing their opening game on October 28 against Palmyra High School, which they easily won, 26-0.

So there you have it, a quick primer on training camp outbreaks. So judge not, House Rock Built readers, for it's anyone's guess which campus will be the next victim. In the meantime, stay vigilant and do what I do to stay healthy: wash your hands in boiling bleach ten times a day.

What You Sippin' On?

2008-08-12T19:35:00.013-05:00

There's just not enough to write about these days, but the tension in the air is palpable. The season is nigh approaching, and thoughts start turning to lazy Saturday mornings, frenzied afternoon bacchanals, and hangovers that start almost immediately following the game and last through Sunday. We've been finding ourselves more and more at our local drinking establishments pondering the delicious value added of enjoying our favorite beverages in both sun and shade. We've even been coming up with some new concoctions we feel would bring the added elements of both refreshment and surprise to any tailgater.

Of course, this is where we say "You know how your favorite popular team is like this hilarious beverage?" Nay. Form your own conclusions.

So, college football boozehounds, what you sippin' on?

Tucker Max Death Mix
The gold standard and slightly cliched energy beverage guaranteed to take years off of your life. We know this and we still dont care. Mix 2 cans of Red Bull, one fifth of Everclear, and 32oz of the traditional yellow Gatorade chilled over ice for this trip to irrational exuberance. Personally, we're not saying we've already stolen the local McDonald's Orange Bowl to facilitate such a beverage...but we're not NOT saying it either.

Rum and Ice
On the other side of the boozing spectrum, we're also stocking up on quality depressants as well. Might as well prepare for the worst too, right? When the stark reality of your alma mater posting another lackluster season hits you in the face like a 3 month long bitch slap, you'll be glad you prepared. Rum. Ice. The combination of drunken poet kings, the utterly hopeless, and the generally deadbeat alike.

Red Moco Cooler!
The crazy half-brother of exuberance, irrational binge drinking. We're planning all sorts of ways to kick back like a senile Southern gentleman, but we doff our box social caps to the most recent creation of Dr. Rusty Venture. Kahlua, Hershey's syrup, and a dash of Red Kool-Aid! That.....sounds......HORRIBLE! Horrible indeed. For the thoroughly confused genteel boozer.

Purple Drank
The obligatory roll slower of the bunch. Specifically recommended for large, once-prominent, fan bases to resign themselves to the fate of interminable mediocrity. Grab some promethazine and jolly ranchers as you mix yourselves a tall glass of acceptance. Remarkably enough, the purple color is more than appropriate.

Barenjager
Finally, we would be remiss to leave out our favorite pregame activity, bearhunting. The Baron as we affectionately call it (along with Das Bearmeister, Der Bearhunterr, and NO! GOD NO!) is a tasty Bavarian treat for all seasons when properly chilled. The lovely carrying case is also built into the wicker handle, always ensuring that the meady liquer is always close by. Be warned, in large enough doses, bearhunting is the realest shit ever.

What about the rest of our loyal readers? We're sure the dozens of you all over the world have your own pregame preferences. No reason to keep secrets. We're all friends here.

Those Rigmas Can Party

2008-08-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

This is our first thought when we see Jimmy Clausen and company rocking the red satin jackets. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any references to this particular Zack Morris adventure, so please accept this file photo of the raddest dude in all of Bayside. Getting back to this so-called damning evidence. Certain things must be addressed with regards to the photos objectivity. The photo is clearly the genuine article for a number of reasons. Its clearly broad daylight, and there is nothing better to do in South Bend during the day than play arbitrary drinking games. Yet, the hosts of this party have at least 2 football players in attendance but are only able to get the one pair of ladies to attend. Anyone who argues there are scores of comely lasses out of the frame will be called a fucking liar to the face. Cups table and costumes=sausage party. The word on the street was that this was an official instance of a BeerLympics, and that usually involves a bunch of dudes getting sloppy drunk before the pizza gets delivered. We have yet to confirm which PGA tournament was viewed in concordance with the day's events, but smart money's on The Open. Right before the young lads' ResLife tribunals, we have to hire Dennis Haskins to give them some sort of life-lesson/pep talk type product (methinks Bob Golic would be more appropriate --fightinamish). Please recommend some talking points to pass along to the boys, but remember than TV's Dennis Haskins must follow the official policies of HollywoodIsCalling.com: Your message must be polite, courteous and non-offensive or it will be ignored and replaced by one in which the celebrity simply wishes your client well.

Stay Classy, Mr. B.

PS. Beat Valley.

Irishoutider, formerly the kid at the FireMarkMay compound, is back in the blogosphere and repping his set for the HRB. Back like cooked crack.

Constructive Summer

2008-08-05T15:08:00.003-05:00

The smell of fresh-cut grass, the mournful whine of police sirens racing after football players fleeing a bar brawl, and the fragrant aroma of mold being blasted out of a long-unused cooler combined with vomit from two-a-days. Football season is near, and there's nowhere to hide from it.

The House Rock Built has had a very constructive summer vacation from blogging. Needless to say, we were all in the need for a little bit of a breather after a soul-crushing year of pigskin in 2007, and The House was no exception. Between growing some mutton chops, recording some tunes, and blasting off to Hong Kong and Thailand for a few weeks to soul-search/feed tigers/father a child with a local/lose hundreds of dollars playing Sic-Bo, the batteries are just about fully recharged. We're locked and loaded for 2008, come hell or high water.

In addition to being back in business, The House Rock Built made some off-season deals that will, with any luck, increase the quality and quantity of content for you to gobble up. In a landmark deal, The House has acquired the services of The Kid from Fire Mark May, a hard-throwing righty whose rise from blogosphere neophyte to award-winning cult icon in a mere year of blogging captured the imagination of a nation. Needless to say, it wasn't cheap, as I had to ship Trev Alberts a carton of Newports, a conditional sixth round draft pick, and release the bodies of three of his recently-killed soldiers. As you'd expect, the exchange took place, like nearly all nefarious dealings do, on a runway of an abandoned airport in The Gambia.

The first known picture of The Kid.

The Kid will be blogging here under the moniker "irishoutsider", so you can probably expect the amount of zany, off-the-wall goofiness to roughly double, depending on work levels and alcohol intake. Cultivating hobbies and relationships are fine and dandy eight months out of the year, but once training camp comes, it's time to kick both to the curb, strap on your beer funnel helmet, and dive feet-first into the churning chumbucket that is the 2008 college football season. Gentlemen, start your engines.

-fightinamish

Tenuta! Tenuta! Tenuta!

2008-01-31T16:11:00.000-06:00

Tenuta tenuta, tenuta? Tenuta! Tenuta (tenuta, tenuta tenuta tenuta (tenuta, tenuta? Tenuta)). Tenuta, tenuta... Tenuta!!!

Gaaak... Jon Tenuta hired by Irish! Can't come up with anything coherent... it's just too awesome. I've already purchased a giant block of gold and am currently erecting a twenty foot statue of the moody defensive uber-genius to celebrate this event.

Tenuta! Tenuta be with you, my child.

Your 2008 Defensive All-Hairmericans

2008-01-21T19:05:00.000-06:00

Not to be outdone, there was some fine achievement on the defensive side of the ball for All-Hairmericans. You can catch the offensive All-Hairmerican team (and Hairsman Trophy Winner) right here. Let's have a look:

Defensive Line

Trevor Laws, Notre Dame

Ignoring his superhuman performance on a dreadful 3-9 team, there's absolutely no denying Trevor Laws' rightful place at the head of the All-Hairmerican team. A full on caveman-meets-lumberjack-meets-Amish deacon, Laws' hairdo took on all comers this year and won, even when his team couldn't quite return the favor.

Tyson Alualu, California

A consummate professional in the hair department, Alualu also suffered from a very straight-laced official picture. However, thrifty photographers were able to capture the glory of his 'do and prevent him from missing out on this great award.

David Faaeteete, Oregon

David could have pretty much won an All-Hairmerican award on his name alone, sight unseen. However, he didn't use that as an excuse to get lazy, and instead pitched in with a truly massive head of hair to go along with his massive name. Good show.

Allen Cray, USF

A little pudgy, but with the shaggy hairdo and silly mustache, Cray puts together an altogether Hairmerican-worthy physical appearance by sheer will alone.

Linebackers

Travis Goethel, Arizona State (Spicoli Award)

Travis Goethel is a no-brainer Haiermerican, but he's also the distinguished recipient of the inaugural Spicoli Award, which goes to the white guy with the goofiest long blonde hair (last year's retroactive winner, Trent Pupello, ended up transferring from Florida over concerns that the coaching staff was not effectively using his Fabio-esque hair).

Trey Covington, Maryland

The long, semi-bleached ragged dreadlocks were too much for our selection committee to resist, and Covington instantly found a way into our hearts as a runaway favorite.

Mike Altieri, Boise State

A shaggy, poofy disaster, Altieri says you don't have to use lots of hair products to get onto the All-Hairmerican team. A little grit and determination, combined with minimal regard for bathing, can be just as much of a sure-fire ticket to immortality than the most manicured head-forest.

Cornerbacks

Kennard Cox, Pitt

Well-maintained dreadlocks are a rarity in this league, but maybe Cox was taking advice from his head coach on the importance of carefully taking care of the hair on your face and head.

D.J. Wolfe, Oklahoma (Mr. T Award)

I think the "Mr. T Award" is self-explanatory. Wolfe busted out this exotic number during the Big 12 Championship game and spent the rest of the evening pitying Chase Daniel for being a fool.

Safeties
Jamari McCollough, Maryland

The second Terp to haul in All-Hairmerican honors this year (along with teammate Trey Covington), McCollough pitches in with some exquisite dreadlocks and a soul patch to tie it all together.

Jamie Silva, Boston College

Jamie Silva went a long way this year in proving that you can be a hard-hitting badass and still have really, really pretty hair. The cognitive dissonance of it all makes my head spin, too, but get used to it, America.

Bo McNally, Stanford

An oustanding frizzy shaggy mane that kind of looks like the carpet in my grandparents' basement, Bo knows crazy hair. Bo knows crazy hair indeed.

We'd like to congratulate all these young men on their achievements and wish them the best of success in their future careers. You've earned it, fellas.

Meet Your 2008 Offensive All-Hairmerican Team

2008-01-21T18:02:00.001-06:00

Greetings, readers! It's a bit overdue, but the final tallies have been reached and I'm pleased to introduce you to the 2008 All-Hairmerican team. This is the third annual installment of this prestigious awards ceremony, and I think that the great success of the alumni of this distinctive honor speaks volumes toward the integrity and great achievement of this award. You can familiarize yourself with past winners by perusing the archives (the 2005 class and 2006 classes can be viewed here) and join me in congratulating these fine young men on their achievements.

Without further ado, here's this year's recipients of this wonderful trophy:

Quarterback

Colt Brennan, Hawaii

Coming from a long tradition of All-Hairmericans (Brennan is the 4th University of Hawaii player to receive the honor), Brennan is the first non-Samoan to take home the honor for the Warriors with his Hawaiian-islands-inspired hairdo.

Jameel Sewell, Virginia (Mascot Similarity Award)

Sewell earns double All-Hairmerican honors, also pulling down the inagural Rocky Boiman Award, for "great achievement in a hairstyle that most accurately depicts his team's mascot". The wispy stache and slick hair make Sewell the spitting image of a Cavalier.

Running Backs

Jason Laumoli, Hawaii (Two-Time Winner)

The first ever two-time All-Hairmerican, Laumoli continues to demonstrate the rugged domination that Hawaii has over the category with his free-flowing Samoan mane.

Yvenson Bernard, Oregon State

Coming from the Hairmerican-rich Pac 10, Bernard ignited the competition both with his rushing ability as well as his crazy dreads and chinstrap beard.

Fullbacks

Owen Schmitt, West Virginia

A true inspiration for aspiring Hairmericans, the former walk-on exhibited in-your-face power, a total disregard for bodily safety, and true grit and determination that matches the awesomeness of his mohawk.

Michael Lose, Boise State

Giving up the spotlight to his buzz-cutted teammate Ian Johnson, Lose was the man behind it all, throwing dangerous blocks and basking in a long, untamed head of hair.

Wide Receivers

Jason Sherman, USF (Hairsman Trophy Winner)

While the Bulls had a great season full of surprises, nothing was more surprising than the awesome caveman hairdo that Jason Sherman rocked. Sherman is also the winner of the newly-founded All-Hairmerican Heisman, or the "Hairmericheisman", as it is colloquially (albeit unpopularly) known as.

Kevin Challenger, Boston College

Challenger provided the sole highlight of the ACC Championship game in Jacksonville when he took it upon himself to carve the broadcasting station's logo into his melon. His efforts did not go unrewarded by the Hairmerican selection committee, who voted him in by adulation by chanting his name three times.

Tight Ends

Logan Paulsen, UCLA

In a down year for tight end Hairmericans, Paulsen set the gold standard with his long blonde locks.

Ben Ladner, Stanford

Ladner has a tireless blonde hairdo, but he was the last player to be narrowly voted in, mostly because the committee has suspicions that he's wearing a wig or on some other hairdo-enhancing supplement.

Offensive Line
Chet Teofilo, Cal

Hair freaking everywhere and a mile-long shit-eating grin, Chet Teofilo is the reason why the All-Hairmerican selection committee loves their job so much. A no-brainer if there ever was one, we are honored to have Chet on board.

Paul Fanaika, Arizona State

A bushy shrub of hair exploding from the back of his helmet, Fanaika has the honor of being the very first All-Hairmerican selected this year, nearly unanimously earning the honor on the very first ballot.

Duke Robinson, Oklahoma

A huge beard and a long head of hair, Robinson made a late-season campaign to surge into the ranks of All-Hairmerican lore.

Micah Kia, UCLA

A true late-bloomer. Kia's official picture on the UCLA website shows a fairly sedate, pulled-back haircut. It's only when he got onto the field that his full blossom was revealed. An under-the-radar pick that paid big dividends.

Allright, kids, that's all for the offense. The defensive All-Hairmericans are viewable here.

Great Moments in Headline History, Part III

2007-12-01T13:37:00.000-06:00

While it's no "Dick to Replace Johnson Against Cocks", today's hall of fame nominee for Great Moments in Headline History goes to this Washington Post article I found during my search to compile this year's All-Hairmerican class. I noticed during the ACC Championship game that Virginia Tech's Right Tackle has a pretty righteous hairdo, and might merit some consideration for an award. However, his official picture on the Hokie website is very clean-cut and disappointing, so I ran a Google search to see if I could find a better snap of him. I couldn't, but I found this article:

...which almost made it all worthwhile.

Pac 10 Official All But Admits Improper Use of Replay in Stanford Game

2007-11-29T09:37:00.000-06:00

It's been a few days since the most blatantly awful replay review of all time, so I think it's time we take a look at what has shaken down in these days in the immediate aftermath of this travesty.

For one, we finally got a public statement from the head of Pac 10 Officiating, Dave Cutaia. In an e-mail he sent out in response to the criticism of the play, he is quoted as saying:

"The replay official felt he had a shot that showed the point of the ball hit the ground...

*First Lie.

...This is basically a judgment call on his part, as an on-field official might judge defensive pass interference.

*Second Lie.

So, let's look at the first part of the statement. The replay official ~~found a shot~~... no, wait, scratch that... felt he found a shot that ~~conclusively~~ showed (whoops, he didn't use the word "conclusively") the point of the ball hitting the ground. Hey, that's not bad. It's an empirically-testable statement. Now obviously it wasn't any shot that we had available to us, the television-watching audience, because that one clearly did not meet the burden of proof. Ahhh, so it was a secret camera angle that wasn't available to the TV broadcast, right? They do have secret angles, don't they?

Q. What will be the source of the video for replays?
A. All reviewable video will come direct from the television production of the game.

(From the official replay policy)

Allright, no worries. Let's pretend you did have a secret reverse-angle shot that the television networks just didn't decide to put in their broadcast. It probably would have looked something like this shot taken by an on-field photographer:

Which even more conclusively shows that his hand is under the ball.

Moving swiftly along to lie number two...

This is basically a judgment call on his part, as an on-field official might judge defensive pass interference.

Now I'm just a simple caveman, but to me it sounds like Cutaia is admitting that the replay was improperly administered. Either that, or he doesn't know the rules of instant replay set down by the same conference that he is apparently in charge of officiating. You see, the second line of the aforementioned official document on instant replay clearly states:

Standard: There must be indisputable video evidence for an on-field officiating decision to be changed by the Instant Replay Official working from a private booth in the press box.

That underlining was not done by me for emphasis, that's exactly how it appears on the website. But, wait, there must be some wiggle room for a replay official's judgment call, right? I'll do a search of their rulebook for the word "judgment":

So anybody who has taken the time to read the first paragraph of the replay policy (a group which may or may not contain Cutaia) can sufficiently agree that replay is definitively not a "judgment call" and is, moreover, fundamentally opposite from judgment calls like defensive pass interference. Instead it requires, (everyone together now) indisputable video evidence, which Cutaia all but comes out and admits was not the standard of proof used in this specific reversal. The replay officials acted blatantly against their authority... it's black letter law.

Cutaia then declined to make public the names of the officials involved. Perhaps a smart move, what with all the crazies out there, but it still reeks of an institutional refusal to make anybody take accountability for what, in Cuataia's own words, was a clear-cut incorrect ruling. At any rate, it's these two guys. If anyone can track down a directory of Pac 10 officials with mug shots, it should be pretty easy to find out who these incompetent bozos are and keep track on whether or not they've been fired or reprimanded.

Vote for Your 2007 All-Hairmerican Team!

2007-11-28T16:16:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again... time to start putting together ballots for postseason awards. And while many of you will be wondering who will win pedestrian trinkets like the Heisman, Butkus, or Maxwell award, the House Rock Built will be digging through game film to award the most prestigious honor of the postseason: The All-Hairmerican Team. Founded on this very site in 2005, the award has continued its annual tradition of awarding excellence in hairstyles in college football. Taking one look at the distinguished recipients of this award, it's pretty clear to see that an All-Hairmerican is a better predictor of success at the next level than just about any award out there.

This year is shaking out to be the most thrilling competition in the history of the award. Aside from a few locks (Colt Brennan and ASU lineman Paul Fanaika), there's a pretty wide open field out there. Also, we may be approaching a first in the glorious history of the All-Hairmerican award: Georgia Tech LB Philip Wheeler has a shot of being the first ever two-time All-Hairmerican. Oh, the tension!

So this is where you come in, dear readers. Make your voice heard, and submit your nominees in the comments section. Results will be tabulated a week from today and the finalists will be committed to eternity in shining awesomeness.

Granted, it's no "Hot Hot Hot", But...

2007-11-28T13:19:00.000-06:00

Did anyone else catch this Stanford ad during the football game on Saturday? If you did, you're probably just as stunned as I am that something as tragic as that could be aired on national television. My YouTubing has revealed that it's part of a series of ads that don't take themselves very seriously, so I suppose Stanford earns a few points for defying the schmaltz-o-meter-topping ads that we customarily expect.

Nonetheless, terrible. Just terrible.

Shhh, Don't Tell Any Michigan Fans

2007-11-27T19:58:00.000-06:00

Allright, readers, I'm entrusting you with a big secret here. I'm going to pull a very expensive prank tomorrow, but I want to let you guys in on it so it'll be that much more hilarious. See, I'm chartering a private jet, at my own expense, to fly from Willow Run Airport in Ypsilanti to Seattle. While this might seem like a waste of several thousand dollars to you, just imagine what a riot it will be when Go Blue Wolverine reports "Willingham to Michigan: Done Deal" and cites my FlightTracker map as proof.

Mum's the word, okay?

Yarrrr, What Be a Pirate's Favorite Football Team?

2007-11-27T12:05:00.001-06:00

A lot of people are making fun of Les Miles for this flub that he made during a press conference, showing off his awesome Michigan education by not knowing how to pronounce the state directly north of the one he lives in. But hey, Les, it's not all that bad. It's an honest mistake that I'm sure all of us have made at one point or another.

So, in the interest of setting the record straight for everyone so that there are no more embarrassing mistakes, here's the House Rock Built's definitive guide to state pronunciation. If any Michigan students are reading, pay close attention, because this course is worth 3 credits toward a Kinesiology major.

Are-Can-Saw:

Arrr-Kansas:

Coach O Gives His Tearful Farewell Speech

2007-11-26T13:28:00.000-06:00

Breaking a long spell of silence, Coach Orgeron finally updated his personal blog after receiving the grim news that his tenure at Ole Miss has come to a tragic conclusion. We wish the Orgeron the best.

Tudday, da coachO considah hee-sef da LUCKYAHMAN onda FASSA-DIS URF!

Happy Thanksgiving You Pukes!

2007-11-21T15:10:00.001-06:00

Orson asked me to whip up something festive for the holidays, and I can't think of anything more festive than the coach cooking you a turducken to celebrate this joyous occasion.

Le Pierrot Triste

2007-11-15T01:16:00.000-06:00

From the SBT:

Maybe the most indicting numbers regarding Notre Dame's pass protection, or lack thereof, this season came the week after the Irish lost to Navy in triple-overtime. In the 48-46 loss to the Mids, ND yielded four sacks to a team that had recorded only five all season. That gave the Irish 49 sacks yielded -- 11 more than the old school record.

Well, the next week the Mids played North Texas, the worst Football Bowl Subdivision team in the Sagarin computer and one of 32 the Irish actually would beat, according to Sagarin (no, Duke and Stanford are not on the list of beatable teams).

In the North Texas game, Mean Green quarterback Giovanni Vizza attempted 50 passes and was not sacked once. What's more, in the 72-62 loss to the Mids, he completed 40 of those passes for 478 yards and eight touchdowns -- and he rushed for 97 yards on 13 carries.

And Vizza, for the record, is a true freshman.

Sorry I haven't been posting. I think that block of text pretty much sums up this last month or so. Again, sorry. The House thrives on upbeat, quirky humorous commentary, and there is just no joy in Mudville this year. Each week I attend these shitfest games and sink deeper and deeper into a detached nothingness. In that dark spot, I just can't produce anything snappy for you to enjoy. Maybe it's a lame excuse, but that's all I've got.

The plus side? The season's almost over. High fives and banana daiquiris for everyone!

Stanford Unveils a New Fight Song, Penned by Jim Harbaugh

2007-10-08T20:51:00.001-05:00

As the final seconds ticked off the clock in the Colosseum, a new era dawned for Stanford football. Against all odds, the gutty Cardinal went toe-to-toe with one of the dynasty of our era, on their home turf, and prevailed. Nobody saw it coming, nobody expected it, and the pristine beauty of the upset is far beyond anything you could script.

That being said, I think that Stanford has gotten a little bit drunk with success after one fortuitous game. While this is an impressive start for former Michigan quarterback Jim Harbaugh's coaching career, I personally think it's a bit early to be anointing him the greatest coach of all time. In light of that, I'm even more surprised that Stanford granted him license to rewrite their fight song. Granted, their old one wasn't all that good to begin with (as a matter of fact, I have no idea what it is, and I've seen Stanford play about a half dozen times), but it's strange to completely throw out tradition after one good game.

"I wanted to come up with a song that combined the rich tradition of football and victory with the top-crust academics that are available at Stanford as opposed to that illiterate cesspool in Ann Arbor. I'm quite pleased with the results," Harbaugh said at the press release.

Anyway, here's the new, updated Stanford fight song. The music and lyrics were written and performed by the coach himself. Personally? I think it's a little... weird. You be the judge, though. Presenting, for the first time ever, the Stanford π-ght Song!

Download the Stanford π-ght Song

3,000 Words

2007-10-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

Wait, The Irish are 3 TD Underdogs to a Finnish Ski Jumper?

2007-10-04T00:16:00.001-05:00

I've just been informed that Notre Dame is 3 touchdown underdogs this weekend against some guy named Jussi Ellai. I haven't even heard of this guy, so I did some googling. Apparently, he won the silver medal in the 1984 Winter Olympics in Sarajevo for ski jumping. Pretty impressive, I guess, but I refuse to believe we've fallen so far that we aren't expected to stay competitive against one middle-aged Finnish guy. Woof, talk about rebuilding.

Jussi, sailing magestically over the Dalmation coastline. You can vaguely see the Notre Dame cornerback in the background with his back to the ball.

Blogpoll: Best Friend Means I Pull The Trigger Edition

2007-10-02T22:58:00.000-05:00

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	--
2	Southern Cal	--
3	California	1
4	Boston College	1
5	Wisconsin	3
6	South Florida	8
7	Ohio State	5
8	Oregon	2
9	Kentucky	4
10	Arizona State	8
11	South Carolina	4
12	Clemson	5
13	Georgia	3
14	Florida	11
15	Oklahoma	6
16	Purdue	8
17	West Virginia	7
18	Missouri	1
19	Cincinnati	1
20	Texas	9
21	Virginia	4
22	Hawaii	4
23	Florida State	3
24	Nebraska	1
25	UCLA	1
Dropped Out: Alabama (#19), Michigan State (#21), Rutgers (#22).

We celebrate bloodshed Saturday with a wholly-revamped ballot. I got a "wack balloting" mention for only dropping Clemson to #13 (they're #24 in the blogpoll). Eh. Maybe it's just residual man-crush for C.J. Spiller. Or maybe it's because I excessively punished the top five teams that lost this week and Clemson was the unwitting benefactor of this dumping (even though they had an embarassing loss of their own). Onwards!

Uh, you know, the chainsaws. I propose we change the blogpoll from a top 25 ballot to a top 2 ballot, because that's all that matters right now. Sure, both Southern Cal and LSU showed some cracks in the armor this weekend, but the season is still theirs to lose.
Um, a fucking grab-bag of ridiculous teams round out the top ten. Cal? Boston College? South Florida? Kentucky? Arizona State? Really? You can clearly see the steep dropoff that comes after the #2 spot. All of these teams are doing well and are undefeated, but I'm shocked and a little bit saddened that we have a glut of George Masons clogging up the top eschelon. We've got the second half of the season for the wheat to separate itself from the chaff here, and as we get deeper into conference play, it'll start to become apparent who here is for real and who is a pretender with some lucky bounces and good scheduling.
Oregon gets a very small slap on the wrist. When you take the #3 team in the country to the wire and lose on a catastrophic stroke of bad luck, I can't be too punishing in the rankings. Especially since the teams in their area (Florida, Oklahoma, Texas) dropped their games to inferior competition.
Sort of a grab bag at the bottom. Everything else is pretty interchangeable.

Canada... My God, Man... Canada! Imagine it!

2007-10-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

I think all Irish fans have about the same attitude about this season that I do. We stink, but we knew we were going to stink. Things like the relative placement of worst starts in history, our NCAA ranking in offense, and bowl eligibility are really of no concern to me right now. All I'm interested in is seeing the young guys make a bit of progress throughout the season, this whale of a recruiting class to remain intact with the minimum of defections, and maybe possibly a couple wins to put in the record books.

Well, I guess that just changed about ten minutes ago. Now, I have a new, aggressive goal for the season and will be doing everything in my power to will the team to do this. We need six wins. Need them, need them, need them, need them. Not for bragging rights or for the historical legacy of the team or for arguing points about Weis' career or any of that petty bullshit. No, the reason that we need six wins is because of this link (turn your speakers to maximum volume before clicking):

http://www.internationalbowl.org

Yeah. That's the official webpage for the International Bowl, a bowl game with a glorious one year tradition that takes place in... wait for it... the fucking SkyDome!* Think about it.. an extra six weeks of practice for the young kids, and a trip to Canada! What's even better, the Maple Leafs are playing the Flyers that night at the Air Canada Centre nextdoor, which will make for a doubleheader that might very well rival the one I caught this weekend.

Please, please, please make this happen, Irish. This would, without a doubt, be the greatest bowl game road trip ever. Do it for the fans, do it for Gretzky, do it for Shatner, do it for Space Moose, just do it.

Oh, and since the game takes place on January 5, it will keep our January bowl streak alive. Hell yeah.

* You may know it as the Rogers Centre, but I refuse to acknowledge that name. It will always be the SkyDome to me.

Two Upsets, 250 Beers, and One Broken Femur Later...

2007-09-30T19:57:00.001-05:00

The House Rock Built is back from Florida, and I've gotta admit, I got every penny's worth of entertainment in my 36 hours in the Sunshine State. The Friday night showdown at Raymond James Stadium was thrilling, and I stormed the field with the USF students after the Bulls pulled off an improbable upset against the #5 West Virginia Mountaineers. Throw in the fact that they sold beer in the stadium and that I got to grab singlet guy, and you've got the makings of an awesome day.

The guy giving the shocker... his t-shirt says "Groethe > Tebow"

Saturday we took the show on the road to Gainesville and casually watched the Irish game. The Irish Outsider and I decided to do a shot every time the Irish made a grievous blunder, and a half full of interceptions, fumbles, failures to field punts at the 12 yard line, 3rd and 29 conversions acceded, and ridiculous penalties left us staggering drunk before we knew what had happened. The game improved a bit and it looks like this team is slowly learning to play football, which I guess is good. i compare it to a baseball player finally reaching the revelation that you're supposed to hold the skinny end of the bat and immediately having his batting average jump 100 points. Baby steps.

More drinking, more shennanigans, me knocking Orson Swindle unconscious and doing a Shawne Merriman "lights-out dance" over his mangled body during a pickup football game, and the War Eagle pulling out a shocker in the swamp made for a great day. I'm going to post my full travel recap later this afternoon, but I'm back, I'm alive, and I won't be back in Florida until my court date next month.... but I'm telling you, that police horse was just asking to get punched in the face. It was entrapment.

The House Rock Built Woke Up in Ybor City

2007-09-28T01:05:00.000-05:00

Well, kids, the Hobo Tour 2007 continues this weekend with a doubleheader of monster proportions. I'm just heading out to O'Hare to cruise down to Tampa to take in the USF-West Virginia game tonight, and will cap off the weekend by surfing up to Gainesville to watch Florida-Auburn. I've packed my deep south survival kit, and will report back on my covert operation deep in the heart of the scary South. Anyone want any souvenirs? I'm already going to try to stuff Percy Harvin into my carry-on bag and give him to Charlie Weis, so I'm not going to have a lot of extra room.

Anyway, take care of the joint while I'm gone. Go Irish and War Eagle and Go Gators and whatnot.

You don't wann go there, mama. Dem's a bad place.

The University of Notre Dame is Transferring

2007-09-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

Right on the heels of the transfers of Ronald Talley, Zach Frazer, Demetrius Jones, Konrad Reuland, and Chris Stewart, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish were dealt another serious blow when the University of Notre Dame itself announced its plans to transfer. While all of the others were third-string players unlikely to make an impact on the team this season, the loss of the University of Notre Dame and its 8,332 students, 780 faculty members, 26 varsity teams, $6.5 billion endowment, and 1,250 acre campus will have very serious consequences for the Irish's 2007 season, and quite possibly beyond.

"All in all, it was a pretty amicable departure," said University President Rev. John I. Jenkins. "It's been a really great 165 years, but I just think it was time to move on."

Needless to say, the University of Notre Dame is now one of the hottest recruits on the market, and coaches from coast to coast are clamoring to get the University to come for an official visit.

"No doubt about it, I'd love to have the University of Notre Dame come to DeKalb," said Northern Illinois coach Joe Novak. "I think the University's resumé speaks for itself. It's not every day you get a chance to recruit a seven-time Heisman winner, 79-time All-American with 11 national championship rings. I think having that kind of firepower would really help put NIU on the map and put us on the path for a MAC championship, if not multiple MAC championships."

The University has already picked up scholarship offers from Florida, LSU, Southern Cal, and Ohio State, to name a few. Due to NCAA regulations, the Unviersity would have to sit out for one year if it transferred now, but there appears to be a loophole that would allow it to get on the field a year earlier. If the University enrolled in a junior college before this month's deadline and earned an associate's degree this semester, it would be eligible to transfer in the spring semester of 2008 and play next season. A source close to the University says that this is the plan, and the University has narrowed it down to either neighboring Holy Cross College or to Pearl River Community College, which has a better space-age technologies program, which is the University's major.

Whichever team gets the services of the University will have a big catch. The University is a four-star recruit on Rivals.com and is currently ranked #96 in the Rivals 100, and is rated as the #2 Entire University for the class of 2008.

Not bad numbers, but a lot of those are wind-aided and hand-timed.

Without a doubt, this will be a big blow to the Fighting Irish in the short term. The University of Notre Dame will not make the trip to Purdue this weekend, and with the Irish already being 21.5 point underdogs, the situation has just become exponentially more hopeless. However, all is not lost for Irish fans. In an interview on ESPN radio, Tom Lemming spoke highly of the future of the Irish:

"Without a doubt, losing the University was a big blow to Charlie Weis and the Fighting Irish, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's going to be easy to replace what it brought to the team: the students, the athletes, the facilities, and, most importantly, that intangible leadership. However, if you look at this 2008 recruiting class that's lined up, it's clear to see that help is on the way. The Irish will struggle through these growing pains as they try to replace the University, but they'll be back with a vengeance in 2009, maybe even sooner."

Blogpoll: As the Season Gets Longer, Awful Feels Softer Edition

2007-09-25T23:47:00.000-05:00

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	--
2	Southern Cal	--
3	Florida	--
4	California	1
5	Boston College	4
6	Oregon	2
7	Clemson	--
8	Wisconsin	5
9	Oklahoma	5
10	West Virginia	4
11	Texas	1
12	Ohio State	2
13	Kentucky	2
14	South Florida	2
15	South Carolina	4
16	Georgia	10
17	Missouri	--
18	Arizona State	5
19	Alabama	9
20	Cincinnati	--
21	Michigan State	3
22	Rutgers	1
23	Nebraska	1
24	Purdue	2
25	Virginia	1
Dropped Out: Penn State (#19), Hawaii (#24), Texas A&M (#25).

We begin our blogpoll with a reading from the prophet Modest Mouse:

As life gets longer, awful feels softer, and it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss well I feel pretty blissfully.

Nomini patri, fili, spiriti sancti. Amen. Ad maiorem dei glorium.

Right, so the world of food-ball has gotten interesting with some exciting results last week. So far, there hasn't been a circular wheel of death in the SEC yet, but that still hasn't stopped the pollsters (and the blogpoll, idiots!!!) from ranking Georgia above South Carolina, despite the fact that... y'know... they lost to the Cocks at home. Ugh.

LSU still holds the top seed. Yeah, Southern Cal is awesome, but four weeks into it, the resume is tilted toward the Tigers.

Oklahoma takes a dive. No offense to the Sooners, but when we're four weeks in to the season, you should have a meaningful win to hang your hat on. While Oklahoma's pantsing of the Hurricanes was a lovely thing to see, it's hardly anything to build your entire top five ranking case around, particularly with a supporting cast as unimpressive as North Texas, Utah State, and Tulsa.

Ditto West Virginia. Friday's tilt at Raymond James should solidify the Mountaineer's position. For the time being, though, I'm not impressed.

The Cocks take a small slide after faring admirably against the soul-crushing machine that is LSU. Normally, I wouldn't drop a team at all for playing tight with the Tigers, but Carolina was enjoying a somewhat inflated ranking due to their solid early-season wins. Call it a correction more than a punishment.

The Dawgs are back. The lack of a meaningful win dumped Georgia from my poll last week, but an impressive victory over Alabama brought a ten-spot correction for Georgia. Plus it also caused a major correction for Alabama. All in all, I'm pretty comfortable with where the Cocks-Dawgs-Tide are standing right now, and feel that we've finally gotten enough data to equalize their positions for the time being. I don't anticipate any wild mood swings in their rankings in the near future.

Penn State is out. While it's not scientific, I use a points system to help get an understanding of what a team has done to earn their ranking. Essentially, it's 0 points for a win over a D-1AA team or traditional patsy, half a point for a mid-major, one point for a BCS conference win, and two points for a particularly impressive win (top 15ish team or top 25ish team on the road). Similarly, the deductions for losses are 0 points for a chainsaw team (LSU, USC), -1 point for a good/average team, and -2 points for a below average squad. After four weeks, Penn State's score is -1. Yeah, it pained me to give them 0 points for beating Notre Dame, but that's the breaks with the quality of the team. Wins over FIU, Notre Dame, and Buffalo add nothing to their claim to legitimacy, and a loss to a down-and-out Michigan team on the rebound means that the Nittany Lions will have some work to do before they can justify a spot in the poll. Just a heads-up, beating Ron Zook next week will not be sufficient.

Blogpoll: The Deeper The Wound, The Harder I Swoon And Wish That That Was Me

2007-09-18T18:35:00.000-05:00

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	--
2	Southern Cal	2
3	Florida	2
4	Oklahoma	2
5	California	2
6	West Virginia	--
7	Clemson	1
8	Oregon	1
9	Boston College	12
10	Alabama	16
11	South Carolina	2
12	Texas	2
13	Wisconsin	2
14	Ohio State	4
15	Kentucky	11
16	South Florida	3
17	Missouri	9
18	Michigan State	8
19	Penn State	3
20	Cincinnati	6
21	Rutgers	8
22	Nebraska	7
23	Arizona State	3
24	Hawaii	1
25	Texas A&M	3
Dropped Out: Georgia Tech (#12), UCLA (#14), Arkansas (#17), Louisville (#20), Georgia (#23), Washington (#24).

Happy fun times! Week three is in the books and my ballot is up. At first glance, I'm seeing a lot of green and red arrows. I'm not completelyl schizophrenic, I just think that this third week has given us good cause to re-evaluate the top teams, cut losses with the dogs at the bottom, and reward scrappy little guys who have strung together wins against quality competition while the big boys are feasting on scrumptious cupcakes like Coastal Carolina, the dregs of the Sun Belt conference, and Notre Dame (d'oh!).

Oh, and the title of the post is from the song "Broken Heart", by Motion City Soundtrack. Their new album, "Even if it Kills Me" just dropped today and is in heavy rotation at the HRB bunker. If you like upbeat, synth-heavy whiny white boy rock, I'd recommend you give it a spin.

Southern Cal regains its rightful place at 1A. Yeah, it's a little unfair to dump a team four places after a bye week like I did in my last ballot, but with the paucity of data on this Trojan team, I really had no choice. Just as I predicted, though, Southern Cal showed that they remain that insurmountable force we all knew they were going to be, and that they will have no problem trouncing the skulls of all the poor bunnies that are led to sacrifice against them. It's a tossup now between them and LSU, but when in doubt, err on the side of the gorilla with a chainsaw for a penis.

Worth another look on my blogpoll ballot.

Florida storms back onto the scene. Florida had a bit of an inauspicious start on my preseason ballot, clocking in at number 11 mostly because of a hefty 15 points in the "show me first escrow". Suffice to say, I've been shown. Percy Harvin and Tim Tebow have not only taken those 15 points from me, but also my wallet, my girlfriend, and bitchin' Camaro. Welcome to the show, Gators. October 6 is going to be a horrifying bloodbath that will likely leave the southern half of the United States coated in smoking, radioactive ruins and werewolf fur.

Bama, Boston College, and Kentucky catch a rocket ride. Sure, it might seem a bit irrationaly exuberant to bump two unranked teams into the top ten, but I like the cut of these teams gibs. Boston College has started the season with 3 in-conference games and cruised through them quite effortlessly, including a convincing pasting of Georgia Tech. With a veteran quarterback and some good mojo, they're beginning to look like a big fish in the admittedly small pond in the ACC.

The same thing with Bama. Their win over Arkansas was inspired, and they're 2-0 in conference with an evil genius at the helm. Kentucky gets love just because watching highlights of students storm the field makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Wee! Tear 'em down!

A big whatever for the rest of the pack. This is where the biggest swing is. The last ten spots more or less go to whoever has put together a couple impressive games in a row. Anyone who breaks my tenuous confidence gets unceremoniously booted from the ship in favor of a new, jazzier team to round out the bottom of the top 25. It was nice having you around, Tyrone Willingham. As I told you last week, your stay was over quickly, you did not enjoy it, and I am not your king.

Sliding Doors

2007-09-17T12:39:00.001-05:00

Just outside of Battle Creek, MI, my friend in the passenger seat turned to me and asked if I wanted a cookie. I mulled the decision for a few seconds, quickly calculating the positives and negatives of the decision. I froze for a second, as I found myself exactly 50/50 on whether or not to accept said cookie. I did a mental coinflip and elected to decline the cookie.

Five hours later, I yelled "fuck" at Michigan Stadium.

It's strange how one decision, which seemed so inconsequential at the time, can set into motion a chain of events that could in no way be anticipated. It's only in the harsh hindsight that I realized that my embarassing outburst was not in any way under my control, but rather the final domino in a long, bizarre Rube Goldberg-esque mousetrap machine that I was a small, completely unwitting participant in. Let me unfurl this contraption for your amusement:

First of all, it's important to realize this wasn't just any cookie I was offered. It was a fancy individually-wrapped cookie sent to my friend by a law firm he interviewed with in a care package to bribe him into taking the job. The winner of the 2007 World Cookie Championship award (according to the sticker on the label), this cookie was a 500-calorie chocolate-chippety bastard oozing with caramel, oatmeal, and chunks of delicious lard, which I found out as I wolfed it down the next morning to chase away my blazing hangover from my post-game efforts to drink away the afternoon. Now, I don't know about you, but a 500 calorie cookie is a hearty meal for a person like myself, and would have most assuredly slaked my hunger well into the evening, had I elected to consume it. Instead, I went into Ann Arbor with an empty stomach.

A few hours after the offer on the road in Battle Creek, I landed in Ann Arbor, prepared for a very sarcastic and certainlly unfulfilling afternoon of football. I availed myself of some Sangria at a tailgate, tracked down my tickets, and then worked my way over to the remote stage for WAAM to do an interview with Brian Cook and Jim Walsh about Here Come the Irish and Hail to the Victors. After a lighthearted chat with the local radio, I found myself in possession of a VIP pass for WAAM's tailgate. With kickoff quickly approaching and one more ticket to pick up, I found myself in a bit of a time crunch. I again was confronted with a choice: hit up the hospitality tent and grab a bratwurst or head over to the portable toilet and expel some urine. Seeing that there was a line about six or eight people long at the toilet, I decided I only had time to do one, and, due to my refusal of the cookie, hunger was rapidly becoming a top priority. Having no other choice, I loaded up a brat with sauerkraut and spicy mustard and decided to wait until I was inside the stadium to address my other need. I finished half the weiner before I got to the gate and pitched the rest in the trash.

Flash forward to the early third quarter. The going was rough (but I don't need to tell you that), but I was handling it like a trooper. Any sense of animosity in the section had dissipated once it became clear that this game wasn't going to be competitive, and I spent the game cracking jokes with the Michigan fans around me. My biggest cheer came late in the second quarter, where a somewhat promising drive had the Irish's total yardage rapicly closing in on 0. When our yardage hit negative-9 yards, I stood up and cheered wildly, shouting "Single digit negative, baby! Oh, yeah!" The fans around me laughed along and gave me high-fives. They also patted me on the back and reassured me when we gave up a sack on the next play and promptly droped back to double-digit negative yardage. The point is, I was handling the de-pantsing with class, grace, and a very robust sense of humor. However, at that point, my bladder had reached critical mass, and I realized I had to address the urge immediately. Not being too let down by missing some gametime, I headed down to the toilets to take care of business and save myself a few minutes of watching the atrocity on the field.

As I reached the concourse, I was stunned whan I saw the restroom. There wasn't a line for the men's room, per se, but an amorphous blob of antsy dudes tap-dancing with bladder fatigue about 25 deep and 10 broad. I walked to the other end of the stadium and saw an even larger line at the other restroom, so I dubiously returned to the line of something like 250 people and waited patiently to do my duty. I somehow survived the ordeal without making a mess of myself and strolled out of the men's room about 20 minutes after I had left my seat. No worries, since I hadn't missed anything eventful on the field, but still an aggravating hassle. Nevertheless, my spirits were still high and I was resolved to make it to the end without losing my cool. I went back to my section and saw a line of about 20 people waiting to get into the aisle to work their way toward the seats. At this point, the last thing I wanted to do was wait in another line, particularly for something that... you know, it doesn't make any sense for there to be a line for. It was at that moment that I spotted some fans walking by with a Domino's pizza box. Having only a half a bratwurst (and no cookie) in my system and very low morale, I realized that some pizza would do wonders in lifting my spirits, and worked my way down the hill (I had to jump a fence to bypass the crowd, but it was a short, managable hop) and grab some 'za.

"Two slices of pepperoni," I said, carefully extracting $4 from my wallet.

"Sorry, sir," replied the person at the counter. "We just sold our last slice."

You know the vertigo effect? You know, in Hitchcock movies where the camera pans in and zooms out on a person's face really rapidly, usually accompanied by shrieking horror music?

Yeah, so that happened. The world went black, my pupils dilated, my fists clenched, and I suddenly became bathed in a frigid sweat. I blacked out, but when I came to a few seconds later, I could hear words reverberating in my ears in my voice:

"Man, FUCK this place!"

Ohhhhh.... ffffffffuuuuuuuudddge!

I feel bad that I did it, and I feel bad because there were probably some impressionable young kids in earshot of my outburst. And while I'll take full responsibility for what I did, I think it's important for everyone to know that I had no control over it. The entire, unavoidable, fatalistic machine had been set into motion six hours ago and 100 miles away when I decided not to take the cookie.

Let this be a warning to all of you. In the future, whenever you're offered a cookie, think of the children and take it. We're all in this together, I'm pulling for you.

Off To The Whore!

2007-09-14T16:01:00.001-05:00

Hey, skaters. I'm off to that filthy trollop known as Ann Arbor to watch what maybe, possibly, probably not be the Irish's first victory of the year. Nevertheless, I'll try and bring the hate, root on our boys, and discreetly defecate on a variety of campus landmarks. If any of you lost souls will be out there, you're more than welcome to toss a beer with me. Just look for the guy wearing this shirt:

Win or lose, it will still be true...

If you're jealous of my dashing shirt, which you should be, fret not, brother! You can have your own by jaunting over to the HRB shirt store.

For those text-messaging types, the HRB hotline will be wide open on my iPhone during the game. Just shoot an IM to "applesaucechoke" (it's the only HRB-related screen name I could find that wasn't already registered. Thanks, Valenti.) with your in-game observations and whatnot. I'll be surrounded by Michigan grad students, so any company I can get would be much appreciated.

Peace out. Onward to... uh, solvency.

Most... Insane... Thing... Ever.

2007-09-13T12:05:00.001-05:00

Orson found... uh, this. It made me do such a violent spit take that cottage cheese shot out of my nose, and I wasn't even eating cottage cheese at the time. Read and watch at your own risk.

Blogjammin': A Grimly Satisfying Evening With mgoblog

2007-09-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's Michigan week, so you know what that means. It's time for me to don my traditional Mexican Wrestling mask and unitard and grapple with Brian Cook, the twisted puppet master at mgoblog. We try to be civil in our sparring matches, but once the ring gets filled with tapioca and the wrasslin' commences, it's kill or be killed out there.

Here's part one of our scintilating conversation, where we grapple with important topics like bratwurst made out of sex, world-destroying battles of übermensch punter-gods, the new Big 10 Morse Code Network, sushi on naked women, the sheer massivness of Ryan Mallett, and, occasionally, college football. Part two is over at mgo, here, so you can continue to soak up the madness over there. I'm gonna have a beer and a Vicodin, cause Cook eye-gouges and fishhooks like a crazy motherfucker. I'm in bold, he's in blue.

Fightinamish: You ready to tussle?

Brian Cook: Allright, I'm ready. I was finishing up my awesomely fun UFR for Oregon.

Lucky you!

It was awesome. I felt like I was having an ice cream cone made out of sex and brautwurst.

In South Bend they call that a "Charlie Weis". It costs $1.19 at most convenience stores. Cheese is extra.

Irish Cheddar, probably.

It's good stuff.

So should we start this thing?

Let's do it to it. So, right. Watching the first half of the Oregon game, I kept thinking to myself that the entire Michigan team needs to, I don't know, see a therapist or something. They look like a complete wreck psychologically. Do you see the unraveling against Oregon as a direct effect of the loss the week before?

Well... insofar as the loss the week before indicated that our defense sucked, yes. Michigan has always had tons of trouble with spread option attacks until last year, Ohio State nonwithstanding, and that returned with a vengance for three simple reasons: our defensive line is bad, our linebackers are bad, and our secondary is bad. The rest of the implosion was bad luck (seriously: you put in a guy for one carry and he fumbles?) and Henne playing poorly. Oh, and our offensive coordinator being bad at life.

There's something to be said about healthy coping mechanisms.

So, more to the point, does Michigan actually suck or are they actually that top five team under some bizarre voodoo curse that will disappear once they drink the blood of a virgin... like a Catholic priest?

The defense actually sucks. The really sad thing about the Appalachian State game is that there was precious little trickery in their gameplan. They ran the same shotgun zone read handoff 21 times and gashed Michigan with it time and again. Against Oregon they were befuddled. The offense has a chance to be decent, though. They racked up a bunch of yards on both teams and only didn't score on Oregon because of a bunch of somewhat fluky turnovers and some cowardly offensive coordinating. The latter probably won't change but the former should. The offensive line has been pretty good so far, albeit against sketchy competition, and the run game has been good.

This matchup of Irish offense versus Michigan defense should be pretty hilarious. What happens when the infinitely-resistable force meets the infinitely-movable object?

In this particular instance I think maybe the movable object? That offensive line seems to be the weakest unit amongst many, many weak units in this particular matchup, and one of the few moderately good performers the first couple weeks have been Shawn Crable and Tim Jamison. Against a more conventional attack -- assuming Demetrius Jones doesn't make an appearance -- they should be more effective. Maybe. I hesitate to say anything positive about this Michigan team.

All hail Zoltan, our benevolent Space Emperor.
Except about Zoltan. Who is frickin' awesome.

He punted six Oregon guys to death last week.

And yet he is benevolent

If you bring him goulash, yes.

I'll be sure to prepare an offering. He likes it served in the skull of his enemy, right?

Or upon the body of his newly acquired concubines. Like that sushi in Rising Sun.

Mmmm... fishy. I say in the interest of saving both teams the humiliation of actually playing a game, we just have Geoff Price and Zoltan wrestle at midfield. At the very least, it'll be letting the best players decide the game.

I would be up for that. At the very least we could get out of there in time to watch teams with, like, victories to their credit.

I take that back. Such an epic duel would probably take 77 years and 77 days.

And would probably destroy several surrounding villages. Millions would be homeless.

A village ten miles from the epicenter of the last Zoltan-Price fight that was completely leveled by the tremendous sonic boom.

And they would eat bears every once in a while

They've fought once before. Astronomers now refer to it as "The Big Bang".

We should totally set this up.

Severe danger of a punt knocking out a DirecTV satellite, though. And then what will the Big Ten Network do?

Late field goal block by App State, stop. Upset of century, stop. Pandemonium on the streets of Ann Arbor, stop.

Big Ten Morse Code. Call your telegraph provider today and demand it for free!

Given the way the Appalachian State game turned out, that would do huge business in Michigan.

So... anyway. Jimmy Clausen: best swing-passing quarterback ever? How did you evaluate his starting debut? I was obviously a little underwhelmed.

It's obviously hard to make any judgment when your quarterback is either getting his head bashed in, handing the ball off for a negative gain, or throwing a swing pass. With the combination of a clown car of offensive linemen in front of him and a pee-wee football playbook, it's a little early to make any judgment, positive or negative, about the wonderkid. Of course, that hasn't stopped Irish fans and bloggers from raving about his "poise" and "composure". I think a lot of that is reading a bit too much into the tea leaves.

That being said, I liked what I saw when he let the ball loose downfield. The long pass to Parris where he scrambled out of certain death and threw a strike across his body on the run was a glimpse at what it is that made everyone drool over this kid in high school. He also gets bonus points for walking out of Beaver Stadium without urine stains on his pants. If that's not "poise", you tell me what is.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm writing the kid off, but I did think the whole poise thing was overrated. Several times he sat in the pocket until snowed under, taking an unnecessary -- but poised -- sack. Mallett, meanwhile, spent the second half of the Oregon game trying to friggin' kill his receivers by throwing it through their necks. Oh, and throwing balls 60 yards downfield. He was a little caffienated.

Only 60 yards? That's a dump-off. You're lucky he didn't throw it into Lake Huron

He looked a little pissed that the coaches were reining him in by not calling any of the routes that ended in Jackson.

Also tall. Pissed and tall.

He is big. His legs are so long that he has two sets of knees.

He's Robot Paul Bunyan.

That's not a helmet he's wearing... it's an aquarium with wings painted on it.

I... what?

Ryan Mallett's customized helmet. Get it.. cause, like, he's got a big head and... nevermind.

Uh, he's big. So big that it paralyzes the goofy metaphor region of my brain

Yeah, well, Clausen's so pointy he's, like, bad at football.

Take that.

Fatality.

Anyway, aside from being big and having the ability to throw the ball into another time zone, do you see him turning into a real quarterback while he's spelling Henne or is he still a ways off from being anything but a sideshow freak?

Can I retract something? I called Clausen "the kid". This is obviously incorrect. He's older than Greg Oden.

Clausen, Oden, and Muddy Waters all shared an apartment in Biloxi back in 1931.

I read that somewhere.

Actually, it wasn't an apartment... it was a tent in a shantytown. It was the Great Depression, of course.

Re: Mallett. I don't know. I was initially unimpressed by his debut, but when I went back and reviewed the tape it looked like he threw a lot of balls that were accurate but, as mentioned, were thrown a million miles an hour into his receivers necks and were therefore dropped. The interception was going to be between Manningham's numbers on a post but Manningham fell down and deflected it upwards. Several of his incompletions were ridiculous longballs into coverage that Michigan was just throwing because it was third and very long and those were safe throws. Michigan obviously coddled him, running a lot, but also let him throw a surprising amount of stuff in between the hashmarks. I think there's a potential for effectiveness on Saturday.

There is also a fairly high probability of a couple interceptions.

But by god they will be really *moving* when they're picked off.

Go ahead and intercept my "broken metatarsal special"... if you dare.

Wait, Google reveals I mean to say "metacarpal"... not that any of our readers would ever find that out.

No problem. Mallett throws it so hard that when it hits your hands it breaks your foot.

Whoo, doggy. That's some good stuff. You can read the thrilling conclusion here, if you dare.

Blogpoll: I'm So Much Cooler Online Edition

2007-09-13T01:20:00.000-05:00

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	25
2	Oklahoma	24
3	California	23
4	Southern Cal	22
5	Florida	21
6	West Virginia	20
7	Oregon	19
8	Clemson	18
9	South Carolina	17
10	Texas	16
11	Wisconsin	15
12	Georgia Tech	14
13	Rutgers	13
14	UCLA	12
15	Nebraska	11
16	Penn State	10
17	Arkansas	9
18	Ohio State	8
19	South Florida	7
20	Louisville	6
21	Boston College	5
22	Texas A&M	4
23	Georgia	3
24	Washington	2
25	Hawaii	1

Howdy Doody, y'all. I submitted my ballot just under the wire, but I'm just giving you the full writeup today. You can check the final blogpoll and see what the blogsphere said. I'm a bit relieved to see that I didn't win any crazy voter awards, so I appear to be in my right mind, for what that's worth. Let's have a look-see...

You'll notice that the delta is screwed up. Somebody was a little busy and didn't get his ballot in on time last week. Heh.
LSU is Number One. What else can I say... after watching their savage beat-down of Virginia Tech, there's really nothing else you can say about this team. Okay, there is exactly one thing you can say about this team. But talk is cheap. A cartoon I frantically whipped up is worth a thousand words:

Geaux-rilla with a chainsaw penis. Our national nightmare has arrived.

It seems like everyone else loves chainsaw penises, too. As the blogpoll at large also catapulted LSU into the number one spot above idle USC. Nothing against the fine program in Southern California, who dropped a few slots after eating cheeseburgers, but at this point, I'm more bullish on the teams who have really demonstrated their savagery on the field. USC's lone game is a kind of meh victory over Idaho. Worry not, because USC will be back on the scene making people look ridiculous soon enough, and their bump in the polls will follow. I think it's going to be a stormy day in Lincoln.

Nonexistant Defense? Prepare to plunge. Decked from #8 in my preseason poll to #25 after an unbelievably terrible outing on defense against Louisiana Tech, Hawaii lost all the goodwill they had built with me by showing that a bunch of varsity cheerleaders could rack up 500 yards against them. Sure, Colt Brennan can fun and gun his way to a bunch of victories without any help from the "D", but you can only spin that wheel so many times before your luck runs out. Ditto Louisville. While Middle Tennessee State has an awesome fight song (it's "Take Me Out to the Ballgame") and a totally bad-ass Pegasus mascot, giving up a thousand points and ten thousand yards to them means you're not ready for showtime. It's only a matter of time before somebody ridiculous knocks off the Cards.

A man's mascot. Neigh, a man's man's mascot.

Greetings, Tyrone Willingham! Your stay in the top 25 will be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I am not your king.

Well, that's what I've got for you. Tomorrow afternoon I'll put up my scintilating tete-a-tete with mgoblog's Brian Cook, where we talk about the upcoming game, my legendary bedroom skills, Ryan Mallett's customized helmet, and other stuff I'm sure you're dying to know.