Stuffing the Passer - The Gang Sings a Sea Shanty

Some games are harder to get motivated for than others. Sure, anyone can get fired up for the game against USC or Michigan, but it takes some special maneuvering by the coaching staff to get the squad amped up for a game against Navy. It's important to do so, though, since it was a mere two years ago that the Midshipmen snuck up on a lackadaisical Irish and broke a 43-year losing streak in hearbreaking fashion.

The good news is that Muppet Charlie Weis has a secret weapon for Navy game preparedness. What better way to prepare for your enemy than by using his greatest asset against him? I'm talking, of course, of the power of sea shanties.

Huh, that usually works. Sharpley... a little help?

The House Rock Built Wishes You a Happy Halloween

Hey kids! Hope everyone is priming up for a fun holiday weekend, and bracing themselves for the spooky reality that Notre Dame will be playing a 1-6 team in San Antonio for no reason at all.

At any rate, the fellas want to send their best in video form, so here you go.

Oh... that's nice.... too. I guess.

Stuffing the Passer - The Road to San Antonio

A cupcake game in a neutral site stadium that promises to be 90% Notre Dame fans. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I'm glad you asked. It looks like muppet Golden Tate might have some problems joining the team in San Antonio after a surprising encounter with airport security during his flight to San Antonio. Sure, it's difficult to pack for a vacation at this time of year, but there's a couple things you need to make sure you don't have in your bag before you show up at the airport... like plutonium. I'm just sayin'.

We don't go anywhere without the wildcat!

Oh, and as a heads-up, we've filmed a special Halloween episode where our fuzzy friends wish our beloved readers fine tidings for the holidays. Keep an eye out, it will be up later this week.

Stuffing the Passer - Here Comes The Hurt

So... that happened. Sigh. I know what you're all thinking, that I'm just going to freak out, but that just goes to show you have no clue how deeply jaded and cynical we've all become. With years of hard work, irishoutsider and I have found a way to find something grimly amusing about every sidelong blow that fate sees fit to deal us.

Of course, the same does not apply to our fuzzy athletes and coach. Needless to say, the suffering they have experienced in the aftermath of this hearbreaking loss has been indescribable... Indescribable, that is, until now, where we find the one and only proper way to describe it: with a novelty cake and a video montage:

And the Academy Award for best offscreen cockfight goes to...

Breaking the fourth wall for a moment, we're going all Hollywood with Stuffing the Passer this week. This week's show featured High-Definition footage, brand new editing software, a new, more robust embedding site, and a big time Hollywood Budget of $12.46 (which we fully expect to get reimbursed for, once we figure out who in the world we can mail our expense report to.) Oh, also lots of dwarves from Indonesia who may or may not be here legally and may or may not be receiving any compensation at all for their laborious and incredibly dangerous puppet wrangling work. Hope you enjoy it! A lot of good people died so you could.

NB: Hi-Def version is encoding now. Should be up by afternoon. Once it finishes, I'll swap it out.

Update: It's up. Although I can't tell much of a difference. Is there a better high-quality video embedding site?

Stuffing the Passer - The Gang Gets Ready for USC

If you're like us, you'll understand how torturously long the bye week is. Sitting around on Saturday watching other teams play football is like watching your wife salsa dance with a dozen swarthy gentlemen in leather pants while you sit behind one-way glass tied to a chair with a dirty sweat sock duct taped over your mouth. I think we can all relate to that.

As bad as it is for fans, though, you can probably imagine that the players are twice as antsy all week, especially when the upcoming game is against your most hated rival of all time. Needless to say, the excitement in South Bend is palpable, and in case there was any doubt, allow me to present video proof in muppet form.

So, to answer your question... the boys are pretty fired up.

Stuffing the Passer - Access Hollywood

Notre Dame played a pretty thrilling game last week against Washington, but if you happened to be watching it on television in the Chicago metro area, like your beloved narrator, you were treated to a network programming blunder of truly Heidi Bowl-esque proportions. You see, while the fans in the stadium were treated to a thrilling overtime drive by the Fighting Irish, NBC viewers got to see a cutaway to Access Hollywood that lasted right up until the Irish scored their overtime touchdown.

After burning my television, killing a drifter, and stuffing his body into an oil drum I proceeded to dump in the Des Plaines river, the anger had subsided enough in my bones for me to, with trembling hand, record those last fateful minutes of the game and post them on the internet. I dare you to try and watch this without being thrown into a murderous rage. It's just not possible.

Somebody throw a flag.

Something Odd Was Going on at Charlie Weis' Last Press Conference

In this week's press conference, Charlie Weis fields some questions about injuries and scheduling, but something seems... I don't know... off. Have a look and let me know what you think.

We're probably going to need a lawyer.

Blogjammin': fightinamish Returns From His Cloud Palace to Chat with mgoblog

Greetings, mortals. My non-divine friends have informed me it has been quite a number of your human months since this website has been updated, which came as a bit of a shock to me... you humans and your silly concept of "time". At any rate, I have dusted off the old keyboard, recovered the old password ("DemetriusJones4Heisman"? God damn, it has been a long time), and strapped on my blogger codpiece for this week's footed ball game in Ann Arbor.

Just behind Death, Taxes, and the fate of an unguarded plate of cocktail weenies in Mark Mangino's presence, the most robust certainty in my brief lifetime of blogging has been my annual chat with Brian Cook at mgoblog (you can also add "said chat devolving into discussions of sodomy, bestiality, and the dehumanizing practice of urinating on your fellow man" to that list, too). Even while on my celestial vacation, I just had to block out an evening to talk some chalk with such a sharp football mind, committed fan, and certified pervert of Brian's caliber.

In 2006, we donned Mexican wrestling uniforms, in 2007 we ditched the uniforms altogether and wrassled in tapioca, and in 2008, we dressed up like 18th century dandies in powdered wigs and slapped each other. For this year's chat, I decided to dust off my bell-bottomed leisure suit and my bitchin' roller skates (and my roller skate key) and took a couple laps around the disco with Brian cause hey man, love is all around us. Part one is up at mgoblog, where we talk about banging supermodels, aquatherapy, Quentin Tarantino masturbating, and (of course) quantum physics. Round two begins now.

(Into things like context? Read Part One at mgoblog first)

fightinamish: There's some high confidence in Notre Dame's experienced secondary. Does Michigan have anyone capable of rattling it (provided of course somebody is able to miraculously get the ball airborne downfield)?

Brian Cook: Michigan's just announced that two-touchdown receivin' WR Junior Hemingway is "questionable" for Saturday with an ankle sprain, so unless Darryl Stonum has an instant renaissance Michigan won't be going deep much, FWIW.

Undoubtedly a bullfighting injury.

Big plays will have to come in the run game, which certainly seems a possibility given Tenuta's blitz insanity. That and five-yard losses.

What would you do if Michigan lined Brandon Graham up over Rudolph, by the way? Leave him in to block or slide back over or just risk it? Graham was pretty wicked in the opener, nearly sacking Tim Hiller four times.

It sounds like Graham is the cornerstone of the Michigan front, and it's going to be key for the Irish line to keep protection against the basic rush and force Michigan to blitz if they want pressure. I would make a note of where he is on every play and make damn sure there's some help on blocking him or a mix of playcalling that will neutralize his agressiveness.

For what it's worth, Rudolph is a pretty lousy blocker, so I'd just as soon send him on a short route, since he'll probably be more useful against the rush downfield

I might just shove him in the slot and rely on backs to help out on Graham.

I'm sure you would shove him in the slot. But Kyle don't swing that way

Hey, whoah, Tom Hammond just entered the room.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Uh... to change the subject slightly, Craig Roh's effectiveness against an actual team will be key. Also, Michigan got some pretty good interior pass rush from Mike Martin and Ryan Van Bergen.

Again, against a MAC team.

I take it that's the plan, then... to try and get pressure on Clausen with the defensive line so you can commit the defense to downfield coverage?

That's what I would do. ND's offensive line has been shaky in the past and the front four got a lot of pressure against Western. Martin really is a spectacular interior pass rusher. I think you play man on the corners with a cover two behind it and rely on the DL to get to Clausen. If that doesn't work, then you can start playing with fire by getting aggressive. ND loves that screen/draw game.

But that's why I'm a blogger.

Indeed you are. Provided neither team completely implodes, this could come down to special teams play. I'm just going to take a look at Michigan's box score from last week and see how ever- SWEET LLAMA OF FRENCH GUYANA ZOLTAN KICKED A 66 YARD PUNT!!!!!!

It bounced and got like an 18 yard roll. But yeah, dude is from space. And... get this... you're never going to believe this... no... seriously... Michigan caught all its punts. Name one other school that did that in week one.

Ooooh... Happy learned how to putt.

Now we cannot be stopped.

Moises Alou used to urinate on his hands every day to make them tough and calloused so he could hit without batting gloves. Would I be correct in assuming that Michigan has been soaking their arms in urine ever since last year's ND game?

I'm sure Rodriguez made them as part of his devious master plan to have his football players play football.

Maybe that's what he did during all that extra practice time: Pee-kakke!

That would explain a lot.

Oof, I'm going to need some mind bleach for that visual.

I think we've definitely topped Tom Hammond.

How's the Notre Dame punter, by the way? Punt-tastic?

Maust was pretty solid last year. He didn't get too much of a workout last week, but he had a good average and, incredibly, 0 return yards on 3 punts. So, yes, the tradition of "screaming legion of sociopathic punt gunners from hell" continues here at ND.


Artist's Rendition

Be forewarned. An extra spritz of pee-pee on your returner's hands would certainly be in order.

I'm... I'll. Loud noises. I've been reduced to Anchorman references.

We also have a new kicker. That should be exciting. He's a true freshman who beat out two scholarship upperclassmen for the job. God knows the field goal game couldn't get worse from last year, but the prospect of competent kicking makes me tingly.

You could return punts maybe.

Well, let's wait until he actually makes a field goal. Once that happens, though, I'll be so sodden I'll be able to chop down trees with my bare hand.

Gross.

Well, we've had our punter discussion. This means it's time for predictions.

Oh yeah, predictions

I predict that Lou Holtz will drink a quart of whiskey and challenge Mark May to a swordfight.

I think you mean "thordfight."

He's mighty swift with a thabre.

I think you mean "thwift." WOO LOU HOLTZ LISP JOKES NEVER GET OLD

But yeah, the game... I think Notre Dame has the better team this year. I have no doubt that Michigan's a much improved team from last year, but take it from somebody who has been there before, it takes a while to was the stink of a 3-9 season off.

Controlling for variables such as spontaneous human combustion by either team, I think it will be a close one that the Irish eventually pull away with in the late goings. I'd say a late Irish touchdown makes it a 10 point game.

How about you?

This game is super hard to read because it looks like it'll come down to the precise trajectory of three deep balls and three linebackers on blitzes that will either intersect with Brandon Minor or not, and could go either way. As the week wears on I'm leaning towards the lines, where Michigan's OL should be stalemate+ against Notre Dame's DL--I am not an Ian Williams believer--and Michigan's DL a stalemate+ against Notre Dame's OL. I have predicted Notre Dame wins this week twice but um, maybe Michigan by 3?

(I have zero faith in that.)

Yeah, I agree with that analysis. It's going to come down a few key plays. One slipped DB or ill-aimed blitz will crack this game wide open.

Well, sir. It's been good chatting to you. Brian, I'll see you on the other side. And Tom, I'll see you in my nightmares.


One, two, Hammy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.

As always. May you die horribly in a fire.

May your hands grow thick as the mighty oak from the micturition of a thousand horny grizzly bears.

Last Chance to Cast Your Ballot for the 2008 All-Hairmerican Team

Well, it's the chilly aftermath of the season, so you know what that means: time to hand out the most prestigious honor in all of college athletics. I'm speaking, of course, of the 4th Annual House Rock Built All-Hairmerican team. I'm currently compiling votes for the final team, but would like to throw it out to the audience real quickly to nominate any over-achieving Hairmerican candidate that might have slipped through the cracks. Drop a note in the comments with your worthy nominee.

Sometime next week, I'll unveil the Offensive and Defensive All-Hairmericans... the 22 most glorious mops in college football. Also, I will hand out the coveted Hairsman Trophy to the individual player who has achieved the highest excellence in outrageous hair for the year. Keep your eye peeled, because we've got a strong class this year. My independent accounting firm prohibits me from releasing any of the sealed results until announcement time, but here's a look at the spreadsheet that I've been working on all season:

If you're interested, you can catch up on the last 3 Hairmerican classes here.

Charlie Versus The Volcano

Gird yourselves, men. Today everything we love is at war with everything we are more or less indifferent or ambivalent about.

Spoiler Alert: This game will end with you waking up in September in a cold sweat. What a crazy dream.

Interactive Fun!

If you're like me, you're watching lots of football, which naturally means lots of commercials. If you happen to have that Subway song stuck in your head, feel free to use this handy soundboard to act out your own version of the song. Hooray!

In which the metaphor is extended

I can be accused of having many opinions on Notre Dame football. All of them equally passionate, fleeting, and vociferous. I slide in and out of them so quickly and completely, that there are times when even I can't explain my point of view because there are traces of past perspectives across the board, leaving me, in a sense, everywhere at once. Anyway, before I continue the genocide of commas set off by my blogging co-defendant, let me get to my argument of the breadth and depth of the fucked-up-ed-ness of the situation.

There is constant analysis and navelgazing of virtually every Notre Dame decision of the past 10 (30?) years, all of them centering around choice. Who had the power to choose? When did they have it? How did they come to their decision? I would like to step back from this exercise in futility, no one can ever really know what was on (or not on) the minds of the so-called "Powers That Be" so much as no one can ever really explain to me how decisions are really made at Notre Dame. The real question is what is the choice Jack Swarbrick had to make for Notre Dame?

At the end of it all, Jack Swarbrick had to choose between Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.



Regardless of your opinion of the breadth and depth of the available coaching pool, and such analysis has firmly become its own internet niche, the point is that there are precious few coaches that can improve the program beyond what Charlie Weis has built. What the program so sorely needed was a reconstruction from the ground up, and in these efforts no one can fault Charlie. 8 years of heartless coaching and sheer arrogance had rendered the program a smoldering pile of ashes in the freezing South Bend winter. The talent myth has been broken. The facilities myth is buried under 20 million dollars of weight rooms and trophy cases. Notre Dame is a destination for recruits as long as there is confidence in the program. Its really hard for Charlie to keep flashing those Super Bowl rings when my even my grandmother has to hear speculation about this Brian Kelly person on WGN.

So, on most tangible metrics, Charlie Weis is our guy. Of course, on-field performance and its related perks are still in neglect, but how different is that from anything else here in year 12 of the post Holtz era? I guess this is the real point driving the issue. Notre Dame has finally finally finally FINALLY gotten most of the pieces in place, but we've locked ourself in to a situation that can only be fully described as sub-optimal. Weis has not been able to show that he can improve upon raw offensive talent, and his fatal flaw of over tweaking to the point of Decided Schematic Failure is obvious. Even in his staff improvements, he has not proven that he can be an anything more than a glorified recruiter/QB coach.

But, with all of the evidence at hand, and rather large stakes, what decision was there to make? Most decisions would have cost Notre Dame a great degree of capital. In terms of money, there was the buyout. In terms of public image, the school was unprepared to do anything more than unleash the Keystone Cops on the coaching carousel. In terms of recruiting, a lot was at stake to maintain the momentum Weis has built the last 4 years. All of these costs, regardless of respective size and importance, factored in to the effective price of the decision, and despite our combined hopes and dreams for the program, none of them include an athletic director that fails to see the proper risk/reward. Chasing good money with bad money got Notre Dame into this mess so many years ago, and believing that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result is the very definition of insanity.