Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Stuffing the Passer Season 6

Thursday, September 11, 2014

September 29, 2007

That was the last time that Purdue beat Notre Dame. The world was a totally different place back then. I had a flip-phone. I'm pretty sure Taylor Swift wasn't a thing yet. We had a divided government, we were escalating our commitment to an unwinnable quagmire in Iraq, and everyone was angry because George R.R. Martin was taking for-goddamned-ever to finish his next novel. Wait...

At any rate, a popular Notre Dame internet discussion forum was asking everybody where they were for that... ignominious game... which prompted our own irishoutsider to finally sit down and put quill to parchment about the wicked fun trip we took to Florida that weekend in those heady, pre-puppets, pre-wives-and-babies mid-to-late-00's. It was glorious. With his permission I have cross-posted it here for the world to bask in.

My own account of the tale is here, but it's short and it sucks and you probably shouldn't even bother with it. I think I was still sweating out the poison at the time. 


Florida Has Its Own Tag, by irishoutsider

tl;dr Before the puppets, we had a ridiculous time in Florida

Amish and I gave {} fucks and headed south that weekend. In very short amount of time, we managed to grab student tickets to Florida-Auburn at The Swamp and also catch a Friday night opening act in Tampa: USF-West Virginia

I think all 4 teams were in the top 5? USF stormed the field and this iconic HouseRockBuilt photo was taken:

[fightinamish: Yeah, that's me and singlet guy]

After some late extracurricular activity in Tampa, we set out to Gainesville bright and early to catch the ND-Purdue Pam Ward special in whatever dive bar we could manage. The Copper Monkey let us watch on a broke ass TV/VCR combo that had hooked up in the corner, and we decided to make things interesting.

A shot of whiskey every time ND scores or makes a grievous error. This establishment was kind enough to serve their shots in the larger plastic containers used to hold chicken wing dipping sauces.

I believe we proceeded to open the game with 2 airmailed shotgun snaps, a few INT, and an ND INT for TD, affectionately known as Ze Pickenhouse.

We had a ways to go before we met up with a local Florida blogger, and the bartender was pretty cool about the entire endeavor. "Guys, it's early. I'm not going to cut you off, but I'm worried about you." In a compromise, we switched to Apple Pucker as to delay alcohol poisoning for at least a few more hours.

We eventually met up with Orson Swindle and proceeded to tailgate with him and his lawyer in an undisclosed location. The rest is a blur from here as I only remember what I think was Keystone Light and tackle football. Amish managed to pipe hit Swindle and proceed to celebrate with the Shawne Merriman Lights Out dance (fightinamish: this picture was taken like 25 seconds before said decleating. This was taken a few seconds after).

We settled into the Gator student section, fully prepared to call truce for the evening and do as the Romans do. Then, Urban came on the jumbotron, and we knew in our hearts that this was unpossible. We managed to keep a good face on things right until Auburn kicked the winning field goal, silencing the Hellmouth that was The Swamp after dark.

Before we headed back to Tampa that night, we met back up with the Swindles and proceeded to the closest Sonic for post-game toasters and cherry-lime ades at what I think was 1 am. The drive home was spent through the unlit everglades, making sure we weren't pulled over by alligators who had eaten Highway Patrol and put on their uniforms in order to capture and eat speeding motorists [editor's note: I drove. Irishoutsider was unconscious, snoring and drooling in the passenger seat the entire time].

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Blogjammin' with mgoblog PART THE FINAL.

And here we are... after 600 (ish) consecutive years of pre-game gabs, we have reached the ultimate mgoblog-House Rock Built blogjam. That's right, random mgoblog commentator Cosmic Blue, I was correctly using the term "penultimate" last year I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG AND YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT SOME RANDOM INTERNET COMMENT FROM ONE YEAR AGO BUT YOU ARE WRONG THE HOUSE ROCK BUILT NEVER FORGETS. NO. THE HOUSE ROCK BUILT NEVER FORGETS.

Ahem, sorry. So here we stand, before the last ever football game in the history of ever between these proud schools. In the past, we have done our conversations in costumes — Victorian Era suits and overcoats, bell-bottomed leisure suites, powdered wigs, tapioca wrestling unitards, and luchador masks — but not this year. This being our last battle ever, we conducted it the only way we could. Naked. Greatswords in hand. On a top of a wall of ice 900 feet high. The fate of the realm in our hands.

Read on, if you dare. I'm in italics, other Brian @mgoblog is in blue.

fightinamish: Greetings, stranger.

mgoblog: Hello, Stouffer. Before we start and this is not my fault I have a wife who listens to mope all the time and probably doesn't even appreciate Morrissey ironically, but I am aware of this song by some Canadians that is basically this game.

So let's embed that sucker up and feel the icky breakup 100%.

See, I think it's more like the "Treaty of Versailles Bowl". In that, yeah our long mutually-ruinous conflict is ending, but, come on, we all know we'll be right back in 10 to 20 years.

Oh yeah this is totally going to last.

There are icky breakups like that. I'd say a solid 30% of personal interaction is a reenactment of Western European warfare from about 1400-2000. Less syphillis these days.
Outside of Columbus, yes. [EDITORS NOTE: Like, literally six hours after we had this chat ND announced a home-and home with Ohio State. That's like, gawd, I don't know, your girlfriend breaking up with you, then taking off with your mother on a cross-country bank robbing spree. Surely there's an emo song about that somewhere.]

See, we're laughing together. That's the healing starting.
We had this conversation last year and I was all like THIS IS THE DEATH OF FOOTBALL and you were like "eh, we'll schedule Texas or something." Still your wavelength?
Well. Maybe now that it's just a few days away the reality is setting in. I actually did get sad when I realized this was the last one for the foreseeable future. It's been a deeply unhealthy and abusive relationship, but it's been our life for so many years. That counts for something.

I mean, even when Sid and Nancy broke up it was sad. Cause he killed her.

Notre Dame and Michigan, in happier times.

What are we supposed to do without Notre Dame to give us the false impression that we might really have something this year before our season collapses into a miasma of wet farts and tackles for loss? (Will I learn if Michigan wins Saturday? ABSOLUTELY NOT WOO COFOPOFF HERE WE COME!)
Yeah, the Sid Vicious parallels are eerie. This rivalry has been all about one team waking up in a drugged-out stupor next to the corpse of the other, then going on a three-month heroin binge and ending up dead in a ditch.
Well, 2012 Notre Dame had quite a run there before Alabama got in all the humiliation Michigan experiences over the course of a season in one game*. *[Offer not valid for seasons in which Michigan plays Alabama.]
But yeah, 2012 wasn't really a Sid Vicious season since it took a while for everything to catch on fire. We stayed clean for a really long time, then had one fatally tragic nose-dive. I guess that was more of a Philip Seymour Hoffman season.

/fightinamish has been banned from the chat room for egregious violation of the TOO SOON policy
Let's stick to the jokes about the War of the Roses.

Slightly less depressing than heroin overdoses, emo, and Michigan football. Slightly.

This has gotten dark. I blame Canadian emo-rockers.
Anyway: it is going to feel weird as hell next year when Michigan's nonconference schedule is Arkansas and three games against BYU or something. I know that feeling because Michigan and Notre Dame have taken two-year breaks in the past and those years are disorienting. The Michigan-ND game is a landmark; without it I may take a wrong turn at Ohio and end up in France.

Which is a much better place than Ohio but sucks at football.
Don't sleep on Les Bleus. I think they're on your 2016 schedule.

Franck Ribéry: tall enough to play OL for Micihgan. Pretty enough to win the Miss Michigan pageant.

I think I may choose to sleep on the French Inverse Steamrollers.

But anyway, the GAME TO END ALL GAMES (until we decide to restart the series): how are we feeling? Going to have enough bodies to field a defense over there?
Yeah. Well. At the Rice game I decided to take a shot every defensive play I said "Thank God we didn't do that against Michigan." Long story short I died and had to be resurrected by some horrid black spell that will leave my family accursed for a hundred generations.
ND's 3205 offensive coordinator will be Al Borges MCMXLIII then. Settled.

Tremble before RoboBorges.

Ack. So there are things worse than death. But yeah, body-wise, everything seems to be at least in roughly working order. Just a lot of sloppiness. New scheme, new players, curious absence of 9,000 pound NFL linemen.

I'm sure we'll get it all perfectly straightened out five seconds after the end of this game.
The thing that surprises me is what's going on at linebacker. How is ND starting a guy who was a WR last year and a walk-on next to Jaylon Smith? What happened there and are these guys "no seriously this could work out" types or "I am a 6'1" OL" types, about whom we'll speak more of later no doubt.
Yeah, it's not optimal. It's always more comforting to have a 28th year senior anchoring the linebackers (don't publish this, but we grow Maurice Crums in a lab under the biology building. We're on Maurice Crum the 12th right now).

But you've got to roll with what you've got. A talented monster who's probably not yet in his prime and some spare parts. I actually thought the walk-on looked pretty comfortable out there, though. *DISCLOSURE: Brian Stouffer is not licensed to give football scouting advice and was blind drunk on Saturday.

So since we're diving in and confronting our darkest fears... um, what is your darkest fear? I would guess it's that your rushing game has a propensity to gain negative yardage on multiple axes, going backward and burrowing down into the earth. But, who am I kidding, you're always good for 900 yards against ND.
My darkest fear is that ND plays the innovative 1-5-5 and Sheldon Day ends up with 30 tackles and 10 sacks. I really have no idea what to expect from this offensive line; Appalachian State was just so so bad that you can't really take much from that performance and when they've gone up against Michigan's line in scrimmages they go about two yards and then stop. Which is a massive improvement, but still not real good.

But yeah. How is the rest of the line, anyway? I am unfamliar with these dudes.
Yeah it's funny how running a 3-4 with two first day draft picks makes you forget about your whole DL depth. But we have been taking good care of that position on the recruiting trail, so we're actually well-supplied with big angry upperclassmen. We're back to a 4-3 system and it looks like a much more natural fit for our talent.

Well, probably anything looks natural against Rice. But this looked... especially natural.
The ends are pretty young, aren't they?
Well... they're green. Unblooded. Last-minute depth chart engineering is not fun. Would not recommend.
/starts twitching about last year's OL
Yeah. So has that all been solved?
Well that does it then. We concede.

You got rid of those pesky NFL-caliber tackles. That should help.
I'm actually being told now that this is not so much true. The numbers are what they are: Michigan has no senior OL on the roster and only two upperclassmen, one of whom is a walk-on. They're starting a true freshman at left tackle. It does not look like a good look. In their defense, the chaos last year was not all their doing. And Michigan gets taht walk-on, Graham Glasgow back after a one game suspension. That's a big deal because he was their best interior OL last year. I expect he slots in at right guard, displacing that other walk-on, the 6'1" one.

I am rather glad that Nix and Tuitt are no longer around, I guess is what I'm saying. 

Well... at least Michigan's OL is well-armored.

Oof. Yow. That sounds rough. Is there a sliver lining on your offense there? Fifth year Devin Gardner is something to be happy about, yes? I believe a Michigan blogger I know once said he's Vince Young except he smells like jasmine.

Or has the affair cooled off? I sort of tuned out after the ND game last year when he ascended to heaven on a chariot pulled by a thousand white steeds.
For a lot of people, yeah. I'm still driving the chariot, as Gardner's 2013 has to be taken in its proper context: every other play he was picking linebacker out of his ribs as Michigan's pass protection utterly collapsed. He was clearly worn down by midseason and literally played the OSU game on a broken foot. If you put him on a team that protects him he has a lights out season. He does make too many DEVIN NO throws even considering that context, but all in all he's a huge asset. Especially early, when his ribs are still discrete objects instead of bloody bone-mash.
Yeah I felt the same way about Gardner. I always thought he was a capable QB who just had the misfortune of having his soul violently flayed off of him over the course of several months.
Speaking of deciphering QBs: Everett Golson was repeatedly pulled for Tommy Rees a couple years ago, missed a season, and then looked like a Predator version of Joe Montana against Rice. What kind of expectations are we having for him on Saturday?
I expect bloooooooooood.

Artist's rendition

We did predict that last year. I remember this. Blood for the blood god.
Brian. My man. You forget how much you're playing with one hand tied behind your back when you don't have a quarterback who can run, threaten to run, pretend to run, or gradually tip over in a forward direction.

It's a different sport with Gholson out there. The red zone is no longer a DEN OF ETERNAL NIGHTMARES, third and shorts are suddenly less mortifying, and yeah everything is happier and footballier.

Just the mere potential of a quarterback running a few yards is like playing offense with a whole extra player.
(Please don't ask me about Michigan's QB recruiting at this juncture.)
Does that mean we'll soon be seeing 7 foot tall quarterbacks with knees that don't bend in the maize and blue? Then all is right with the universe again.
There may be a gentleman of that description on the roster now. The current heir apparent is relatively athletic, at least.

But that has naught to do with THE GAME TO END ALL GAMES until we schedule some more. Let's talk Irish running game. Brian Kelly going to bother with it at all? He seems to hate it.

To see the answer to that question, and the thrilling conclusion, please head over to mgoblog. Topics discussed in part 2 include:

  • Butt
  • James Joyce's Ulysses, prevalence of butts within.
  • The upcoming Game of Thrones novel and it's butt-related content.
  • A joint game prediction wherein the universe might or might not end. Also there are butts. 
  • I think also maybe some football.


Wednesday, September 03, 2014

The House Rock Built is Drowning in Babyflesh

You may have heard of this thing called the "polar vortex". For the uninitiated, it's a large cyclone of frigid air that, if the jet stream diverts south, can settle down over large metropolitan areas, causing long weeks of subzero temperatures and, in many causes, WIDE-SCALE IDIOPATHIC PREGNANCY AMONG THE WIVES OF PROMINENT BLOGGERS. Nobody know why or how this happens, but a hedge wizard once told me that it has something to do with an ancient curse, and I'm apt to believe him.

Regardless of the cause, The House Rock Built is up to its ass in babies. Irishoutsider sired a mewling whelp a few months past, and your humble narrator is at DEFCON 1 readiness for the ejection of his second child any minute now. Needless to say, things are loud right now. And busy. And sleepy. And covered in poop. Good lord the poop. So puppets are...

Puppets are... not cancelled. No, not dead, not by a long shot. Just sidetracked. But not dead.

The editorial calendar has been tweaked. Weekly shows are sadly not possible, so instead we're going to make a Mid-Season Spectacular that will come out, um, Mid-Season and a Season Finale. To make up for the lack of a constant puppet fix, we will make these extra glorious.

We thank you for your anticipated coöperation. In the meantime, there might be the occasional smart-ass hot take on the Twitters at @stuffingthepass. Plus, I'm doing my annual Blogjam with Mgoblog, which should be up tomorrow.

Aside from that, Keep Calm and et cetera et cetera. Go Irish.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - Manball

Well, I'm not going to dance around the subject: we're playing Stanford on Saturday, and they are big burly ugly manly manful mantastic men whose brawny mansome manliness put our puny and unmanly manhood to shame. These things are true, and we must accept this inconvenient fact.

I mean, look at their power running formation (via @edsbs): it's brimming mansomeness out of every manly orifice, just seven metric tuns of gnarled manliness crushing all forms of football life and ushering the glorious resurrection of real football that nearly blinked out of existence when that tea-sipping moose-dressage-enthusiast dandypants Teddy Roosevelt sissified the game by making muskets and cauldrons of boiling pitch illegal during the run of play. Might as well just slap tutus on the lads and call it "soccer" at that point.

Anyway, this week the gang embarks on some vigorous manhood training in preparation for the big game. The results are predictably mixed.

Ow... my self-esteem.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - Sea Shanty (Remix)

So way back in 2009, we decided to help fire up the lads for a big game against the Naval Academy with a rousing sea shanty.

The main goal of the project, besides playing with a cardboard sea serpent, was to remind the gang that with just enough willpower, we could will the horrifying 2007 loss to Navy out of existence and pretend that the 44-game winning streak was still alive.

All things being equal, I think we did a rather good job of driving home that point, and everything was pretty much fine and dandy ever since. Let's take a second to re-watch that wonderful hit from 2009. Such innocent times.

Well, then reality hit like a ton of bricks, and the Irish dropped two straight to Navy, each more inexplicable than the last. Some think that the insane hubris of the Sea Shanty was responsible for the barrage of red zone turnovers and defenses forgetting how to tackle, and they're probably right.

At any rate, we thought we'd revisit that wonderful song, and break you off a little preview of the remix, which our cool and awesome DJ friend from London who I assure you is totally real mashed up with our original tracks and some sticky phat beats (I am assured that's what the kids are saying these days). Enjoy.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - The Tommy Show (Featuring Spencer Hall)

Thanks for bearing with us through last week's rerun from 1988, it was good to get away from producing a weekly show, and also to see how far we've come production-wise in the last 25 years.

Today's episode is a very special one indeed, as our dear friend Orson Swindle (née Spencer Hall) from Every Day Should Be Saturday graciously volunteered to be a guest on the Puppet Tommy Rees show, a late night talk and variety show that, in all honesty, is pretty much dreadful and has only stayed on the air the last 20 years because it has a weird niche following among Serbian ultra-nationalists. Anyway, I think Spencer did a great job keeping things lively, as did the man-eating ocelot. Enjoy!

Boy, when ol' Johnny Lujak scored a touchdown in '47, he went straight to the sidelines without even stopping to ash his cigarette.

Oh, and while you're here, why not check out Season 5 of Stuffing the Passer? If you like it, drop us a note in the comments, subscribe on YouTube, or peruse the archives here. Thanks!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - Party Like It's 1988

Ahoy, gang. Hopefully you're all enjoying the bye week as much as we are. Bye weeks are a great time to reintroduce yourself to your wife and child, get that haircut and shave you've been putting off for eight months, and give yourself thrice-daily stem cell injections in your liver to try to regrow as much tissue as possible until the next time your team makes you drink yourself half to death.

Unfortunately, we've been so busy taking care of our honey-do lists that we haven't been able to shoot a new episode for you. Sorry about that. But we care about keeping you entertained, so here's one from the archives: a rerun of one of our favorite episodes of Stuffing the Passer, which originally aired on October 20, 1988. Enjoy!

I admire your piety, Mr. Zorich.

Friday, October 04, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - The McGrumpus Filibuster

Politics, politics, politics. That's all everyone's talking about these days. So let's put this to rest once and for all: whatever else your political beliefs are, I think we can all come together in a bipartisan fashion and agree that Juan Linz (RIP) has the coolest biography portrait ever. I mean, look at that, I couldn't look that cool if I spent two years at a Shaolin monastery eating raw eggs and practicing the ancient and forbidden arts of looking cool.

As for his thesis that the bicameral presidential democracy system in America is an untenable mess incapable of surviving an age of rigorously-enforced partisan polarization, well you're free to believe whatever you want. Just be careful what you say out loud, as his ghost might jump out of your computer monitor and put out his cigarette in your eye.

With that in mind, enjoy this week's puppet installment about the perils of dysfunctional legislative bodies. I'm not sure where we got the inspiration...

All of these young folk don't know their way around a finely bruised Manhattan if it bit them on their backsides.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - Wheel in the Sky

Episode 6 is live, gang, and it sort of wraps up the loose threads from the story arc we started the season with. So, yeah, basically it's exactly what I assume this week's finale of Breaking Bad is going to be like: everyone talks out their differences, has a few laughs, and learns a valuable life lesson from a giant talking rat.

On a related (okay, not really related) note, there's a short snippet of "We Can't Stop" in this episode, and after listening to it a number of times in the course of editing, I realized it's actually a decent song*. I guess I never really gave it a fair shot, so yeah, that's my counterintuitive #slatepitch for the day.

Okay, enjoy!

* I was not on drugs while editing**.
** Really.

All your trash ends up here, in the sewer.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Stuffing the Passer - The Baptism


Do you reject Saban and all his empty promises?

Thursday, September 12, 2013

After Further Reviewing - 4th Quarter Offense Vs. Michigan

Okay, sorry for the delays in today's AFR (not in any way affiliated with mgoblog's exquisite Upon Further Review series). You know, Ragnorak...

O23 1 10 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 4-4 Under Penalty False Start Martin -5
Defense shows pressure.
O28 1 15 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Okie Zero Pass Dumpoff Jones Inc
Pressure up the middle forces dreaded rollout, Rees gets rid of it. Would have had nothing even if caught. (TA, N/A) 
O28 2 15 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Middle Screen Niklas 13
M Defense dials up too much heat, big zone underneath the dropping LB's, easy pickup. (CA, 1)
O15 3 2 Shotgun 4-wide 1 0 4 Nickel Even Pass Flash Screen Daniels -2
Two defenders in close coverage blow this up before it even gets going. Toss is a little high to do anything, but play is DOA anyway. (MA, 1)
O17 4 4 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 Okie Zero Pass Post Jones Inc
M brings the entire earth on a blitz. Right call launching it for Jones in man coverage, but the pressure prevents Rees from stepping into the throw. Somewhere in the distance, a raven caws. The moon has gradually turned blood red during this drive. (IN, 3)
Drive Notes: Turnover on Downs, 20-34, 14:23 4th Q.
N48 1 10 Pistol 3-wide 1 1 3 Nickel Even Run Power O Atkinson 16
Guard pulls and makes a solid smash block to open up a seam, Atkinson turns on the burners. There is a barely-perceptible earthquake. As crowd noise subsides, we can hear that all of the dogs in the city are barking furiously.
O36 1 10 Pistol 3-wide 1 1 3 Nickel Over Pass Hitch Brown 11
Big cushion on Brown, quick-hitter with some yardage afterwards. A fissure opens in the parking lot and belches a geyser of steam behind the south end zone. Ravens begin amassing on top of the press box. (CA, 1)
O25 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Corner Jones Inc
Rees rolls the dice on a corner route, just can't pinpoint it because Tommy Rees. Press box is now covered in ravens, Herbstreit shoos some away with a broom so the broadcasters can actually see the action. The linesman notices a strange red pool slowly oozing out of the locker room. (IN, 3) 
O25 2 10 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 Okie One Pass TE Out Niklas 2
Can't pick up pressure, Rees flings it out to the flat to take what he can get. A comet blazes across the night sky, bathing the stadium in odd midday light for a big 3rd down play. The linesman now realizes it's a stream of blood flowing from the locker room, and takes a few steps toward the center of the field to keep his shoes dry. (CA, 1)
O23 3 8 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Dig Jones Inc
Timing route blown up by LB making well-timed drop. Play suspended briefly as ten thousand snakes escape from the steam fissure. A raven plucks out Musburger's right eye (consummate pro, he doesn't miss a beat brodcasting). (BR, 2)
Drive Notes: Field Goal, 34-30, 9:30 4th Q. Goes in the books as a 40-yarder, but the goalposts fell over during the snakequake, so all Brindza had to do was kind of roll the ball past the 10 yard line. (+1)
N35 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Sack N/A -9
Good coverage, line can't hold, Rees can't escape pocket. River of blood now slashing through the southwest corner of the field. The first few reanimated corpses from Arborcrest Cemetary have found their way into the stadium, but pose minimal threat because they're stuck in the line for the bathroom. More to come.
N26 2 19 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Even Pass Hitch Brown 10
M drops into coverage, Rees makes the right read. Light drizzle of flaming sulfur begins. Brady Hoke briefly catches fire, but seems unperturbed. Everything right of the right hashmark is under the blood river. Musburger has been picked clean to the bones. Can't see Herbstreit, although can barely make out him reciting a muffled rosary on the broadcast. (CA, 1)
N36 3 9 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 400K Nickel Even Pass TE Seam Niklas 21
Probably should have been a too many men penalty (R-1), as it appears that the entire Communion of Saints have lined up for Notre Dame here. South half of stadium now completely overrun by walking dead, although they appear neutral vis a vis the football game so I didn't count them in the formation totals. M fortunate Niklas had to steer back toward center of field away from blood lake, otherwise might have been gone (BL+1). (DO, 2)
O43 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Zombie Horde Pass In Daniels 12
Communion of Saints now in heated battle with the Army of the Underworld in the far end zone, so ND back to 11-man formation. Zombies might not technically be partisan but by this point they have formed a wall that, along with the blood lake, is more or less incorporated into M's defensive scheme. Good stop-fade by Daniels, picks up decent yardage before being bitten repeatedly by undead ghouls. Would have liked to see him pick up a few more YAZB. (DO, 2)
O31 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 3.5 Zombies Over Pass TE Hitch Niklas 11
Communion of saints roundly defeated by Satan. Drat, they would have helped on this drive. Fans in north stands being dragged screaming into maw of hell. Only counted 3.5 receivers, as TJ Jones is huddled in a ball on the far hash writing something. ESPN chyron is blocking the paper, but it looks like it's his last will and testament. Good underneath throw by Tommy. (DO, 2)
O20 1 10 Just Tommy 0 0 0 H'fffftth Pass Fade Daniels Inc
The earth splits in half right after the snap, swallowing all of ND's offense except Rees (fortunately in shotgun). H'ffffftth the Horrid emerges from the chasm, belching fire. Rees spots Davaris Daniels dangling upside down in one of H'ffffftth's tentacles, but isn't able to thread the needle. Also, H'fffffth has ripped Daniels' arms off. (CA, 3)
O20 2 10 All Living ND Players 13 22 38 Blood Mountain Pass OutJones 7
H'ffffth devoured by ten thousand ravens, mercifully, but his death rattle awakens mighty Vulcan, causing a pressure fault that forces a 500-foot cliff of bedrock up between the Irish and the end zone. The blood river's flow is diverted down the narrow canyons of the mountain, causing a flash bloodflood that obliterates all life between the hashes. Rees spots Jones with some space in the flat and makes the quick out. (DO, 2).
O13 3 3 Trebuchet 4 12 30 Grogshabroth Pass Catapult Jones 7
Not enough time on the clock to take the switchbacks over blood mountain, so the team constructs a hasty trebuchet from the timbers of what used to be Michigan Stadium. Rees hits Jones perfectly in stride after he's launched. Jones appears on a trajectory to land in the end zone, but, gawdammit, Grogshabroth has finally arrived. He swallows Jones in one mighty gulp at the 7 yard line. (DO, 3)
O6 1 GTommy & Amir 0 1 0 Ragnorak Pass Slant Carlisle INT
Grogshabroth abandons his defensive responsibilities briefly to devour Satan and his armies whole (and does so in, like, no time flat). Towers of flaming sulfur have engulfed everything but about a ten yard circle around the LOS. I think Tommy could feel the pressure of the world ending and sort of rushed this pass, bouncing it off Amir's hands. Countess makes a good read on the deflection, but on the replay it looks like the earth implodes and disintegrates BEFORE he's able to get a foot on the ground (R-1). Total screw job by the refs, but seeing as these are our final seconds on Earth, best not to dwell on it. I hug my wife and baby one last time.
Drive Notes: Interception, 30-41, 1:46 4Q. Goodbye, earth. 

So now what?

Well, if you're reading this, it means you were one of the two dozen humans still alive, blown clear of the earth's implosion on the craggy cliffs of what used to be the Flannan Isles of Scotland. I reckon you've got about three or four days left until your asteroid's weak gravity field loses its grip on its thin atmosphere and you all asphyxiate. I'd probably use this time to catch up with Breaking Bad on DVD.
Why didn't we bring in the fullback to block Grogshabroth?

We don't have a fullback on the roster. Also, Grogshabroth is 800 feet tall with nine horrid mouths full of rows of diamond-sharp teeth. We'd probably have to double him with a tight end/tackle.
So who's the Heisman frontrunner?

George MacQuaid. He's played one season of rugby at Cambridge in the 1970s. He seems to be the most athletic person still alive.

What does it mean for the future?

Hopefully one of the chunks that used to be earth will collide with a planet in a habitable zone sometime in the next few million years. If there are some well-preserved microorganisms in some of its air pockets, we might be looking at life in a few billion years and college football a few billion after that. Maybe we'll renew the rivalry then.