Thursday, November 29, 2012

Stuffing the Passer - Tuesdays With Manti

It's been a long week, gang. We've mostly been freebasing pixie sticks since the fourth quarter of the USC game, so things are a little fuzzy right now. We'll spare you some reading and get right down to the puppets.

On a related note, the Stuffing the Passer Annual Fund will begin its pledge drive next week. Keep your eyes peeled and we'll let you know our business plans (sneak preview: better editing software, a green screen, more puppets, and drugs... precious, precious drugs) and the magnificent gifts in store for you if you choose to be a sponsor.

Be cool everybody. Catch you in Miami.

Oh thank god. That was about to get lascivious.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Stuffing the Passer - The Mission

At some point in my childhood, my father came home with an enormous box. Barely able to conceal his delight, he informed me that he held in his arms a small chunk of the future - 26 pounds of the sacred covenant of the sustenance, sufficiency, joy, and leisure that was promised us by this new era of technology. It was a Laserdisc player. I'm not sure how the age demographics skew on this blog (exit polling is an inexact science), but you are entirely forgiven if you have no idea what a Laserdisc is if you didn't happen to own a karaoke bar in the 1990's. See, kids, it was one of the gruesome victims of the format wars, and now currently resides in a shallow grave alongside the SCSI cable, the Betamax, and wide-gauge railroad ties.

The thing is, in many ways these historical losers were superior to the foes that vanquished them (except for Laserdiscs. God, those sucked in every possible way). Often, the winning format just won the "ground game" through relentless PR campaigns or, more often than not, some INSANE PSYCHOPATH ELECTROCUTING ELEPHANTS (although, ultimately, Edison's victories were short-lived and now your whole house runs on Nikola Tesla's pachydermicidal alternating current).

What I'm getting at is that while the old Notre Dame Betamax cassette might be big, drab, clunky, and uglier than a rhincerous' ass, there are some very compelling numbers that indicate maybe it's the rational, if not the sexiest, contendor for format war champ. What I'm trying to say is that OREGON AND KANSAS STATE MURDER ELEPHANTS WITH ALTERNATING CURRENT AND SHOULD BE BANNED FROM FOOTBALL FOREVER. Hopefully I made that clear.

Okay, puppets.

Lies from the pit of Beelzebub propagated to deprive us of our glory...

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

The Results Are In!

Well, the results are in. After 24 hours of voting, six federal lawsuits, one surprisingly uneventful duel, and ten thousand ballots "accidentally" dumped into Lake Michigan by an unregistered stealth bomber, we are prepared to make a call in the 2012 Stuffing the Passer election. Hey, it only took 24 hours to certify the results, that's like 84,000 times better than godforsaken Florida -- so, a minor success.

Okay, it wasn't perfect (the Carter Center's concluding report was one word long: "Mobutu-esque". None of us are exactly sure what that means. Pending a thorough googling, we're going to assume it's a good thing?) We have an I-Report that our election correspondent Sockface had to stand in line for 23 hours to vote, only to discover that he was standing behind a row of mannequins at a Petite Sophisticate store at the mall. Hey, democracy is messy, people.

Anyway, with 100% of precincts reporting, The House Rock Built is ready to declare that Puppet Everett Golson has been elected QB1. The results are clear, the mandate is broad, and his two closest runners-up (Sockface and touchdowns) have called to concede and extend their heartfelt congratulations.

So, without further ado, the results:

Digging a little deeper, we found some very interesting things from the exit polls. To whit:
  • Everett captured 100% of the crucial Objectivist vote (sample size: 1), probably because of his cold and heartless refusal to "spread the ball around".

  • Voters whose main concern was Touchdown Inequality were evenly split among the top four candidates (Tommy, Everett, Sockface, and touchdowns), but broke by a commanding 75% in preferring to have a beer with Everett Golson. Probably because he's the most likely of the lot to pick up the tab, AMIRITE??!

  • Everybody, and I mean everybody, wants to rob an OTB with Sockface. I'm not even sure why we bothered to ask that question.

  • No major surprises in the age demographics. Pretty much what I have intuitively felt was the demographic makeup of House Rock Built readers.

Thanks again for everyone who came out to rock the vote. Also, thanks for voting in the real election, too. If exit polling is accurate, over 98% of voters in the Stuffing the Passer election also took a minute out of their day to choose the leader of the dag-blasted free world. Heroes, the lot of you.

Alas, the fun of the election is over, and now comes the hope- and soul-crushing reality of touchdown governance. Best of luck, Everett!

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

The Polls Are Now Open!

Now that the clock has struck midnight, the polls are officially open for the StP Election! The campaigning has been fierce, the endorsements have been earth-shaking, and representatives from election monitoring NGOs have been duly bludgeoned and buried (Ha! Just kidding!)

So, to reiterate once again: log onto the Twitters and tweet your vote to @stuffingthepass. Your three nominees are #voteEverett, #voteTommy, and #voteSockface, although write-ins are certainly welcome too. Remember, all voters get a special sticker so they can let the world know they voted - we'll tweet you the link upon receipt of a complete ballot.

If you have the spare time, please do swing by our exit polling station and answer a few quick questions. Your information will not be used for any purposes other than entertainment (and selling to the United Nations so they can put mind control nanobots in your children's vaccines so you can't homeschool them). Afterwards, maybe go out and vote in the other election please? Much obliged.

We are looking forward to an orderly election which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Puppet Michael Floyd Makes a Game-Changing Endorsement in the StP Election

The 2012 Stuffing the passer campaign is entering its critical final days. Early results have shown the election is still too close to call. However, in a true November surprise, puppet emeritus Michael Floyd has come out with a game-changing endorsement in a New York Times op-ed. Could this tilt the entire election? Only time will tell.

Remember, get out the vote. On November 6th, tweet your vote (#voteEverett, #voteTommy, #voteSockface, or your preferred write-in vote) to @stuffingthepass (AFTER you've completed your civic duty and voted in the other major election that day). The stakes have never been higher.

One Puppet's Endorsement for the 2012 Stuffing the Passer Elections

Mo Udall, the silver-tongued Sequoia of a congressman from Arizona, was never one to mince words. When harangued by the commentariat about being drafted (or perhaps more accurately impressed, which sounds better than the vulgarly anachronistic, yet more vividly descriptive term Shanghai-ed)  to seek the presidential nomination in 1984, he curtly quipped: "If nominated, I shall run to Mexico. If elected, I shall fight extradition."

The candidates in this year's Stuffing the Passer election would be wise to heed the words that Big Mo (the loving sobriquet that I gave him during our many pick-up basketball games, which I won every single one of. Sure, he was technically a former professional basketball player, inasmuch as the Denver Nuggets were technically a professional basketball team) spoke, echoing and modifying the sentiments expressed by General William Tecumesh Sherman a century before, particularly the #voteTommy campaign.

To whit, it seems abundantly clear that Sherman, daunted as he was by the prospect, faced an easier task in whipping up votes in the charred cinders of Atlanta than Tommy Rees currently faces in gaining popular support in many segments of Notre Dame fandom. After all, Sherman took some nominal steps to ensure that only military and government installations and some private residences and businesses were incinerated following the conquest of Atlanta, whereas Tommy's bouts with pyromania throughout his campaign have been substantially less targeted and substantially more comprehensive.

In this election, there is one's objective vote, one's subjective vote, and one's ironic vote. Subjectively, #voteEverett has called the enemy by its name (viz., touchdown deflation) and shown the resolve to dance with the devil, and thus deserves re-election. Objectively, the highwire horror show that Irish fans have been subjected to in the pursuit of touchdown growth should inspire voters to opt out of the cocaine-and-Red-Bull-frappuccino histrionics of this offense and opt for the soothing Valium smoothie of #voteTommy. The ironic votes go to #voteSockface, a mad dog chasing cars who wouldn't know what he would do if he caught one. Perhaps he does deserve to live out his worst private nightmare and be called upon to report for duty.

Alas, this is an endorsement column, so endorse I must. As you are well aware, I have always been an unconventional puppet who has done unconventional things to achieve surprising results. So here is my unconventional endorsement: I, muppet Michael Floyd, wholly and unequivocally endorse touchdowns. Touchdowns are in charge of the Notre Dame recovery, and that is who I am endorsing. This revolution is not about one man or one puppet, but about the transformational power of touchdowns. On Tuesday, when you pull the tweet-lever, I urge you to vote for the one and true savior of Notre Dame football: the touchdown.

Puppet Michael Floyd is a senior fellow at The National Touchdown Strategy and Development Forum, a non-partisan think tank that focuses on sustainable and transformative touchdown growth.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Stuffing the Passer - Five Thirty Eight

Ah, November of 1820. That must have been a hell of a time to be alive. Picture, my friends, plunking yourself down in front of the television radio crudely mimeographed pornographic periodical without being assaulted to death with political advertisements. That's because it was the Era of Good Feelings, a magical time in American history.

See, a surprisingly mild growing season led to a bumper crop of prime hashish on James Monroe's Virginia plantation, and everyone in the country just kind of chilled for a couple of electoral cycles. Nothing got to us then, dude. Looming specter of slavery threatening to tear the union apart? No worries, mon, let's just have a make a friendly compromise. Rampant speculation leads to a financial panic? No big deal-- change your identity and grab a six-shooter and a mule and head out west and find your fortune (and by "fortune" I obviously mean typhoid and and a rapid, jarring death)!

That's how we ended up with this lovely aquamarine electoral map, with only one elector having the foresight to break the unanimous result to save face with future generations. Those days are dead and buried, mon frer. Shortly after 1820, we realized that slavery was actually kind of a big deal and went back to, you know, beating the shit out of each other with canes on the floor of the Senate. Sic transit gloria mundi, and thus it has been ever since.

In fact, this wave of political antagonism has even spread to our beloved puppets, who are locked in a heated battleground race for Quarterback For Forever. The fate of the world is in your hands, friends, so get on down to the StP Twitter feed at @stuffingthepass and make your voice heard! Oh and also vote in the real election, too. Seriously.

Bad for touchdowns, Bad for America.