Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Purdue Scouting Report

In football, more than any other sport, preparedness is the key to success. A thorough scouting report and gameplan is the the difference between a romp in the park and an agonizing defeat. We can talk all we want about style and talent, but it has been consistently shown that the more prepared coach usually is the one taking the Gatorade bath once the clock stops rolling.

In an effort to leave no stone unturned, I've compiled my own scouting report on Purdue's coaching staff that should help both the coaching staff as well as you, the common fan, obtain that illustrious spot high atop the pedestal of knowledge in the mental game that is football.

Purdue has a variety of advantageous weapons at their disposal, but the first and foremost thing we need to look at is the power of the mustache. This year, Notre Dame will not face another opponent with such a glut of talent at the coaching mustache position, and we need to be thoroughly prepared for everything that could arise from it. Let's start with the big man himself.

Joe Tiller, Head Coach
  • Mustache Type: The Gentleman Caller
  • Strengths: Coverage is above average, tone is distinctive and distinguished. Never gets carded at bars.
  • Weaknesses: Light color makes visibility questionable at times. Difficult to pick up chicks under 35.
Famous Wearers:

Famous Wearers: Bob DeBesse, Wide Receivers Coach
  • Mustache Type: The Private Eye
  • Strengths: Full-featured, jet-black broom captivates the eye and commands respect. Can be waxed if the occasion calls for it.
  • Weaknesses: Sheer manliness of it often frightens away women and may cause dogs to bark viciously.

David Mitchell, Running Backs Coach
  • Mustache Type: The Good Cop
  • Strengths: A hard-working, God-fearing mustache, it's always there for you when the chips are down on the table.
  • Weaknesses: Has a tendency to get shot the day before its retirement in a sickly ironic twist of events.
Famous Wearers:

Famous Wearers: Tony Samuel, Devensive Ends Coach
  • Mustache Type: The Pencil-Thin
  • Strengths: Garners immediate respect of Jimmy Buffett fans. Little risk of food particles coagulating inside of it.
  • Weaknesses: Lacking in authority. Does not command respect of those with more grandiose mustaches.

Brock Spack, Defensive Coordinator
  • Mustache Type: The Duck Soup
  • Strengths: Very high comedic value. Serves as a thick layer of insulation and can double as a velcro patch if necessary.
  • Weaknesses: Very easy to counterfeit.
Famous Wearers:

While Charlie Weis has shown a marked ability to defeat mustachio-ed coaches (2-0 in his career), Purdue is playing at a level that he has never experienced before. Expect a wide variety of offensive formations as well as a steady diet of blitz packages from Rick Minter to counteract the talent Purdue has at this position.