Thursday, January 31, 2008

Tenuta! Tenuta! Tenuta!

Tenuta tenuta, tenuta? Tenuta! Tenuta (tenuta, tenuta tenuta tenuta (tenuta, tenuta? Tenuta)). Tenuta, tenuta... Tenuta!!!

Gaaak... Jon Tenuta hired by Irish! Can't come up with anything coherent... it's just too awesome. I've already purchased a giant block of gold and am currently erecting a twenty foot statue of the moody defensive uber-genius to celebrate this event.

Tenuta! Tenuta be with you, my child.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Your 2008 Defensive All-Hairmericans

Not to be outdone, there was some fine achievement on the defensive side of the ball for All-Hairmericans. You can catch the offensive All-Hairmerican team (and Hairsman Trophy Winner) right here. Let's have a look:

    Defensive Line

  • Trevor Laws, Notre Dame

    Ignoring his superhuman performance on a dreadful 3-9 team, there's absolutely no denying Trevor Laws' rightful place at the head of the All-Hairmerican team. A full on caveman-meets-lumberjack-meets-Amish deacon, Laws' hairdo took on all comers this year and won, even when his team couldn't quite return the favor.

  • Tyson Alualu, California

    A consummate professional in the hair department, Alualu also suffered from a very straight-laced official picture. However, thrifty photographers were able to capture the glory of his 'do and prevent him from missing out on this great award.

  • David Faaeteete, Oregon

    David could have pretty much won an All-Hairmerican award on his name alone, sight unseen. However, he didn't use that as an excuse to get lazy, and instead pitched in with a truly massive head of hair to go along with his massive name. Good show.

  • Allen Cray, USF

    A little pudgy, but with the shaggy hairdo and silly mustache, Cray puts together an altogether Hairmerican-worthy physical appearance by sheer will alone.

  • Linebackers

  • Travis Goethel, Arizona State (Spicoli Award)

    Travis Goethel is a no-brainer Haiermerican, but he's also the distinguished recipient of the inaugural Spicoli Award, which goes to the white guy with the goofiest long blonde hair (last year's retroactive winner, Trent Pupello, ended up transferring from Florida over concerns that the coaching staff was not effectively using his Fabio-esque hair).

  • Trey Covington, Maryland

    The long, semi-bleached ragged dreadlocks were too much for our selection committee to resist, and Covington instantly found a way into our hearts as a runaway favorite.

  • Mike Altieri, Boise State

    A shaggy, poofy disaster, Altieri says you don't have to use lots of hair products to get onto the All-Hairmerican team. A little grit and determination, combined with minimal regard for bathing, can be just as much of a sure-fire ticket to immortality than the most manicured head-forest.

  • Cornerbacks

  • Kennard Cox, Pitt

    Well-maintained dreadlocks are a rarity in this league, but maybe Cox was taking advice from his head coach on the importance of carefully taking care of the hair on your face and head.

  • D.J. Wolfe, Oklahoma (Mr. T Award)

    I think the "Mr. T Award" is self-explanatory. Wolfe busted out this exotic number during the Big 12 Championship game and spent the rest of the evening pitying Chase Daniel for being a fool.


  • Jamari McCollough, Maryland

    The second Terp to haul in All-Hairmerican honors this year (along with teammate Trey Covington), McCollough pitches in with some exquisite dreadlocks and a soul patch to tie it all together.

  • Jamie Silva, Boston College

    Jamie Silva went a long way this year in proving that you can be a hard-hitting badass and still have really, really pretty hair. The cognitive dissonance of it all makes my head spin, too, but get used to it, America.

  • Bo McNally, Stanford

    An oustanding frizzy shaggy mane that kind of looks like the carpet in my grandparents' basement, Bo knows crazy hair. Bo knows crazy hair indeed.

We'd like to congratulate all these young men on their achievements and wish them the best of success in their future careers. You've earned it, fellas.

Meet Your 2008 Offensive All-Hairmerican Team

Greetings, readers! It's a bit overdue, but the final tallies have been reached and I'm pleased to introduce you to the 2008 All-Hairmerican team. This is the third annual installment of this prestigious awards ceremony, and I think that the great success of the alumni of this distinctive honor speaks volumes toward the integrity and great achievement of this award. You can familiarize yourself with past winners by perusing the archives (the 2005 class and 2006 classes can be viewed here) and join me in congratulating these fine young men on their achievements.

Without further ado, here's this year's recipients of this wonderful trophy:


  • Colt Brennan, Hawaii

    Coming from a long tradition of All-Hairmericans (Brennan is the 4th University of Hawaii player to receive the honor), Brennan is the first non-Samoan to take home the honor for the Warriors with his Hawaiian-islands-inspired hairdo.

  • Jameel Sewell, Virginia (Mascot Similarity Award)

    Sewell earns double All-Hairmerican honors, also pulling down the inagural Rocky Boiman Award, for "great achievement in a hairstyle that most accurately depicts his team's mascot". The wispy stache and slick hair make Sewell the spitting image of a Cavalier.

  • Running Backs

  • Jason Laumoli, Hawaii (Two-Time Winner)

    The first ever two-time All-Hairmerican, Laumoli continues to demonstrate the rugged domination that Hawaii has over the category with his free-flowing Samoan mane.

  • Yvenson Bernard, Oregon State

    Coming from the Hairmerican-rich Pac 10, Bernard ignited the competition both with his rushing ability as well as his crazy dreads and chinstrap beard.

  • Fullbacks

  • Owen Schmitt, West Virginia

    A true inspiration for aspiring Hairmericans, the former walk-on exhibited in-your-face power, a total disregard for bodily safety, and true grit and determination that matches the awesomeness of his mohawk.

  • Michael Lose, Boise State

    Giving up the spotlight to his buzz-cutted teammate Ian Johnson, Lose was the man behind it all, throwing dangerous blocks and basking in a long, untamed head of hair.

  • Wide Receivers

  • Jason Sherman, USF (Hairsman Trophy Winner)

    While the Bulls had a great season full of surprises, nothing was more surprising than the awesome caveman hairdo that Jason Sherman rocked. Sherman is also the winner of the newly-founded All-Hairmerican Heisman, or the "Hairmericheisman", as it is colloquially (albeit unpopularly) known as.

  • Kevin Challenger, Boston College

    Challenger provided the sole highlight of the ACC Championship game in Jacksonville when he took it upon himself to carve the broadcasting station's logo into his melon. His efforts did not go unrewarded by the Hairmerican selection committee, who voted him in by adulation by chanting his name three times.

  • Tight Ends

  • Logan Paulsen, UCLA

    In a down year for tight end Hairmericans, Paulsen set the gold standard with his long blonde locks.

  • Ben Ladner, Stanford

    Ladner has a tireless blonde hairdo, but he was the last player to be narrowly voted in, mostly because the committee has suspicions that he's wearing a wig or on some other hairdo-enhancing supplement.

    Offensive Line

  • Chet Teofilo, Cal

    Hair freaking everywhere and a mile-long shit-eating grin, Chet Teofilo is the reason why the All-Hairmerican selection committee loves their job so much. A no-brainer if there ever was one, we are honored to have Chet on board.

  • Paul Fanaika, Arizona State

    A bushy shrub of hair exploding from the back of his helmet, Fanaika has the honor of being the very first All-Hairmerican selected this year, nearly unanimously earning the honor on the very first ballot.

  • Duke Robinson, Oklahoma

    A huge beard and a long head of hair, Robinson made a late-season campaign to surge into the ranks of All-Hairmerican lore.

  • Micah Kia, UCLA

    A true late-bloomer. Kia's official picture on the UCLA website shows a fairly sedate, pulled-back haircut. It's only when he got onto the field that his full blossom was revealed. An under-the-radar pick that paid big dividends.

Allright, kids, that's all for the offense. The defensive All-Hairmericans are viewable here.