Monday, November 05, 2012

Puppet Michael Floyd Makes a Game-Changing Endorsement in the StP Election

The 2012 Stuffing the passer campaign is entering its critical final days. Early results have shown the election is still too close to call. However, in a true November surprise, puppet emeritus Michael Floyd has come out with a game-changing endorsement in a New York Times op-ed. Could this tilt the entire election? Only time will tell.

Remember, get out the vote. On November 6th, tweet your vote (#voteEverett, #voteTommy, #voteSockface, or your preferred write-in vote) to @stuffingthepass (AFTER you've completed your civic duty and voted in the other major election that day). The stakes have never been higher.

One Puppet's Endorsement for the 2012 Stuffing the Passer Elections

Mo Udall, the silver-tongued Sequoia of a congressman from Arizona, was never one to mince words. When harangued by the commentariat about being drafted (or perhaps more accurately impressed, which sounds better than the vulgarly anachronistic, yet more vividly descriptive term Shanghai-ed)  to seek the presidential nomination in 1984, he curtly quipped: "If nominated, I shall run to Mexico. If elected, I shall fight extradition."

The candidates in this year's Stuffing the Passer election would be wise to heed the words that Big Mo (the loving sobriquet that I gave him during our many pick-up basketball games, which I won every single one of. Sure, he was technically a former professional basketball player, inasmuch as the Denver Nuggets were technically a professional basketball team) spoke, echoing and modifying the sentiments expressed by General William Tecumesh Sherman a century before, particularly the #voteTommy campaign.

To whit, it seems abundantly clear that Sherman, daunted as he was by the prospect, faced an easier task in whipping up votes in the charred cinders of Atlanta than Tommy Rees currently faces in gaining popular support in many segments of Notre Dame fandom. After all, Sherman took some nominal steps to ensure that only military and government installations and some private residences and businesses were incinerated following the conquest of Atlanta, whereas Tommy's bouts with pyromania throughout his campaign have been substantially less targeted and substantially more comprehensive.

In this election, there is one's objective vote, one's subjective vote, and one's ironic vote. Subjectively, #voteEverett has called the enemy by its name (viz., touchdown deflation) and shown the resolve to dance with the devil, and thus deserves re-election. Objectively, the highwire horror show that Irish fans have been subjected to in the pursuit of touchdown growth should inspire voters to opt out of the cocaine-and-Red-Bull-frappuccino histrionics of this offense and opt for the soothing Valium smoothie of #voteTommy. The ironic votes go to #voteSockface, a mad dog chasing cars who wouldn't know what he would do if he caught one. Perhaps he does deserve to live out his worst private nightmare and be called upon to report for duty.

Alas, this is an endorsement column, so endorse I must. As you are well aware, I have always been an unconventional puppet who has done unconventional things to achieve surprising results. So here is my unconventional endorsement: I, muppet Michael Floyd, wholly and unequivocally endorse touchdowns. Touchdowns are in charge of the Notre Dame recovery, and that is who I am endorsing. This revolution is not about one man or one puppet, but about the transformational power of touchdowns. On Tuesday, when you pull the tweet-lever, I urge you to vote for the one and true savior of Notre Dame football: the touchdown.

Puppet Michael Floyd is a senior fellow at The National Touchdown Strategy and Development Forum, a non-partisan think tank that focuses on sustainable and transformative touchdown growth.