Thursday, November 01, 2012

Stuffing the Passer - Five Thirty Eight

Ah, November of 1820. That must have been a hell of a time to be alive. Picture, my friends, plunking yourself down in front of the television radio crudely mimeographed pornographic periodical without being assaulted to death with political advertisements. That's because it was the Era of Good Feelings, a magical time in American history.

See, a surprisingly mild growing season led to a bumper crop of prime hashish on James Monroe's Virginia plantation, and everyone in the country just kind of chilled for a couple of electoral cycles. Nothing got to us then, dude. Looming specter of slavery threatening to tear the union apart? No worries, mon, let's just have a make a friendly compromise. Rampant speculation leads to a financial panic? No big deal-- change your identity and grab a six-shooter and a mule and head out west and find your fortune (and by "fortune" I obviously mean typhoid and and a rapid, jarring death)!

That's how we ended up with this lovely aquamarine electoral map, with only one elector having the foresight to break the unanimous result to save face with future generations. Those days are dead and buried, mon frer. Shortly after 1820, we realized that slavery was actually kind of a big deal and went back to, you know, beating the shit out of each other with canes on the floor of the Senate. Sic transit gloria mundi, and thus it has been ever since.

In fact, this wave of political antagonism has even spread to our beloved puppets, who are locked in a heated battleground race for Quarterback For Forever. The fate of the world is in your hands, friends, so get on down to the StP Twitter feed at @stuffingthepass and make your voice heard! Oh and also vote in the real election, too. Seriously.

Bad for touchdowns, Bad for America.