Wednesday, November 07, 2012

The Results Are In!

Well, the results are in. After 24 hours of voting, six federal lawsuits, one surprisingly uneventful duel, and ten thousand ballots "accidentally" dumped into Lake Michigan by an unregistered stealth bomber, we are prepared to make a call in the 2012 Stuffing the Passer election. Hey, it only took 24 hours to certify the results, that's like 84,000 times better than godforsaken Florida -- so, a minor success.

Okay, it wasn't perfect (the Carter Center's concluding report was one word long: "Mobutu-esque". None of us are exactly sure what that means. Pending a thorough googling, we're going to assume it's a good thing?) We have an I-Report that our election correspondent Sockface had to stand in line for 23 hours to vote, only to discover that he was standing behind a row of mannequins at a Petite Sophisticate store at the mall. Hey, democracy is messy, people.

Anyway, with 100% of precincts reporting, The House Rock Built is ready to declare that Puppet Everett Golson has been elected QB1. The results are clear, the mandate is broad, and his two closest runners-up (Sockface and touchdowns) have called to concede and extend their heartfelt congratulations.

So, without further ado, the results:

Digging a little deeper, we found some very interesting things from the exit polls. To whit:
  • Everett captured 100% of the crucial Objectivist vote (sample size: 1), probably because of his cold and heartless refusal to "spread the ball around".

  • Voters whose main concern was Touchdown Inequality were evenly split among the top four candidates (Tommy, Everett, Sockface, and touchdowns), but broke by a commanding 75% in preferring to have a beer with Everett Golson. Probably because he's the most likely of the lot to pick up the tab, AMIRITE??!

  • Everybody, and I mean everybody, wants to rob an OTB with Sockface. I'm not even sure why we bothered to ask that question.

  • No major surprises in the age demographics. Pretty much what I have intuitively felt was the demographic makeup of House Rock Built readers.

Thanks again for everyone who came out to rock the vote. Also, thanks for voting in the real election, too. If exit polling is accurate, over 98% of voters in the Stuffing the Passer election also took a minute out of their day to choose the leader of the dag-blasted free world. Heroes, the lot of you.

Alas, the fun of the election is over, and now comes the hope- and soul-crushing reality of touchdown governance. Best of luck, Everett!