Special Guest Columnist!

H. Mervin Longfellows Oil Tycoon and Nefarious Booster

That's it, I'm Quitting the Boosting Business!

After 38 years of dedicated service to the craft, I've finally had it. This whole business has gone to hell, and I for one will not stand and take it. Congratulations, assholes, you've just forced out the best College Football Booster that ever lived.

I remember when I first got into the business as a fresh-faced, ambitious young millionaire with pockets full of cash and crazy dreams of buying several mythical national championships. A lobster dinner here, a $50 handshake there, and the next thing you know, the big-time recruits are rolling into campus! Those were some great times. We were active, involved, and, most importantly, people showed some damn appreciation. When you swing by your star tailback's dorm room and drop off a new Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots game and the hottest new single on 45, their little eyes lit up with delight. That's why I got into this business... to make people happy.

Nowadays, you can just forget about the courtesy and respect. You wouldn't believe what these ungrateful youngsters say if you have the audacity to try to slip them 200 bucks. "Two hundred bucks, old man? That won't even get me a new pair of sneakers!" Well, excuse me, Mister Hot Shit Who Can't Even Grow Facial Hair Yet, but it ain't my fault that your pimpled ass doesn't understand the value of a dollar! I made my first million when your mama was still in diapers, so don't lecture me on my understanding of finance, you ungracious shithead.

You know who's really at fault for these spoiled brats? All these young dot-com billionaires who throw around their money at these kids. These bastards show up on the scene and think they can start making the rules, all the while shitting all over us vetran boosters who have been doing it by the rules for 40 damn years! They've ruined the whole game. You can't buy a football player a stereo system anymore, you have to get him a fucking Lexus. You want to buy the quarterback a free trip for spring break? Forget it! He ain't answering the phone unless there's a $750,000 beach house involved.

So that's it, I'm out for good. Until you shits learn some appreciation for time-honored boostering, you can cram your Lexuses and beach houses up your asses. You should be ashamed of what you've become.

Ingrates.