Thursday, October 13, 2005

Stache Redux

Charlie Weis' career record against coaches sporting a mustache speaks for itself. His record against unmustachio-ed taskmasters, however, leaves a lot to be desired (a paltry 1-1). While the pundits have tallied this up as an advantage for Southern Cal, I say, "Not so fast, pardner." There is a real, non-zero possibility that Charlie's playcalling will force Pete Carroll into a frenzy of uncontrollable, spontaneous mustache genesis.

HRB scientific correspondents have constructed these possible scenarios for Saturday's game. We are providing this information not as braggadocio, but as a fair warning to all the viewers. The last thing I want is anyone getting caught off-guard in the small, yet meaningful probability that we witness spontaneous mustache genesis on Saturday.

Scenario 1: Brock Spack-ed
When to Expect it: Should Southern Cal's defense be suddenly humiliated with an ingeniously-devised check-off play call, resulting in an untouched scamper into the end zone.
Possible Side Effects: Verbal skills replaced with honking horn. Waking up next to Holly Rowe.

Scenario 2: Joe Tiller-ed
When to Expect it: Unable to react to scoring onslaught, Carroll inexplicably refuses to change his strategy mid-game.
Possible Side Effects: Craving for Quaker Oats. Diabetes.

Scenario 3: Dave Wannstedt-ed
When to Expect it: Humiliated from a loss, Carroll proceeds to lose every subsequent game against Division 1-A teams.
Possible Side Effects: NFL coaching offers. Eternal affection of Mark May.

Scenario 4: Ty Willingham-ed
When to Expect it: The second that 31st point is added to ND's lead.
Possible Side Effects:Fall ass-backwards into money. Never have a bad day in your life, play 36 holes a day.

Please be advised that HRB is not attempting to say that all of these (or any of these for tha tmatter) will happen. But it's Notre Dame, baby. The magic will be flowing, and I wouldn't be stunned if we see at least one of these during the brouhaha on Saturday.