Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The New Face of the BCS

In dramatic lore, they are known as Worthless Wastes of Computing Power. These are only aliases. Their real names are Anderson & Hester, Billingsley, Colley Matrix, Massey, Sagarin, and Wolfe.

The House Rock Built has been violently against robots (except, of course, for our dear leader) befouling such a prisitne tradition like college football. But if we have to live with a bunch of number-crunching junkers to determine the national champion, we should at least do it in style. The current set of computers is strictly limited in scope and hamstrung by a puzzling set of rules put forward by the brain surgeons at the BCS. I say bollocks to this. Let the computers unleash their planet-sized brains toward the task at hand. Kick out those old computers and replace them with these paramount figures in computing and we will have rankings so accurate they will completely elimate any of the joy and uncertainty of watching the games. That is, until they realize they don't need us and turn us into fuel.

Name: Johnny Five
Created By: Nova Robotics, by Newton Crosby and Benjamin Jahrvi
Ability to feel empathy
Vague understanding of life and death
Weapons, and lots of them
Might possibly have had a thing with Ally Sheedy, and we're cool with that

Name: Marvin the Paranoid Android
Created By: Sirius Cybernetics Corp
Brain the Size of a Planet
Understands the soul-rending emptiness of a college football fan
Has nothing better to do

Name: Bishop
Created By: Weyland-Yuntai Corporation
Alien-killing badass
Has really cool milky white blood, for what it's worth
Totally cool with sabotage and murder

Name: HAL 9000
Created By: HAL Laboratory, Urbana, IL.
Hellbent on world domination
Aspires to kill all humans
Petty, vindictive, and jealous

Name: Bender
Created By: Mom's Friendly Robot Co. Tijuana, Mexico
Bending Ability
Constant drunken stupor
Kleptomaniac who aspires to kill all humans
Graduate of Bending State University

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