Guns, Germs, and College Football.

I love college football. This probably doesn't come as much of a surprise, what with the whole blog thing, but sometimes I need something to remind me why I am so obsessed with this silly game. And saints be praised, today I got one. This article in USA Today rejuvinated my love affair with the sport and make me bubble over with excitement about the upcoming season. It has everything: abject violence? Check. Bumbling powerless figureheads? Check. Hilarious fulfillment of regional stereotypes? Triple check. References to Willie Williams? You bet. I love this article so much I'm going to print the whole text, with comments, for your amusement.

Coker tells Miami players no guns allowed on Hurricanes

By Kelly Whiteside, USA TODAY

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla. — In the wake of a shooting incident last week near the Miami (Fla.) campus, Hurricanes coach Larry Coker said he plans to discourage players from owning handguns.

Hurricanes reserve safety Willie Cooper was shot in the buttocks outside his home last Friday morning by an unknown person who fled after Cooper's roommate, safety Brandon Meriweather, the Hurricanes' leading tackler last season, returned gunfire. Police said Meriweather used his gun legally because he has a permit for the gun.

It's just like a James Bond movie... nothing gets the excitement in an article sizzling like having somebody get shot in the ass in your opening paragraphs. And like any true friend, Cooper's teammate draws his piece and turns it into a firefight. And how do you get shot in the ass during a drive-by? The mind reels.

"I don't really want our players to have firearms. I'd rather they would dial 911 to come and handle those type of problems," Coker said at ACC Football Kickoff media days Monday.

Wow, Larry Coker sounds very serious about discipline and abject firearm usage. It's about time somebody took a stand for weapons use, especially when Miami's image has been tarnished with this news. It looks like he really means business. No more guns, period.

Coker said he didn't know how much he could enforce a no-gun rule if players own guns legally off campus but said, "Now obviously on campus — you're out of school, you're done. But I really don't want our players to have firearms."

Okay, maybe not no more guns, period, but Coker boldly and defiantly comes out forbidding his teammates to stroll around Miami's campus while packing heat. That is one hell of a disciplinarian. And if any of you hot shots feel like testing this rule, Larry Coker is going to rain down on you. Listen to his plans for punishment:

Coker also said he didn't know how many players had firearms and said it wasn't something he planned to find out. "I'm not going to take a head count on firearms, but I'll address it and discourage it, let's put it that way."

Hmmm, okay. So he won't punish you, per se, but he will discourage the ever-loving hell out of it.

Allright, I've heard enough from that wishy-washy pansy. Let's get a quote from a true disciplinarian:

Florida State coach Bobby Bowden said he makes his players who own guns for hunting purposes register them with the coaching staff. "We keep 'em," Bowden said Monday. "If they go hunting, they check the guns out."

What? What? WHAT?? I'm sorry, I must have misread that. Please, please, please don't tell me that the Florida State football team, at this very second, is sitting on a fucking arsenal of weapons that they can access at any minute!? Good heavenly lord. I will never be able to sleep again. I honestly have never felt so terrified for my life now that I know this, and I live more than a thousand miles away. Nobody is safe. Never go to Talahassee if you value your life.

The one thing I can take comfort in is that they are locked up and carefully monitored by the coaching staff.

"Does that slip by sometime? I don't know. I don't keep up with it that much."

You don't k-??? You don't k-k-k-k? You don't "keep with it that much"??? What the hell? What are you doing that is more important than keeping your players from raiding the cache of weapons? W-What the hell, man? Oh my good God, we're all doomed.

Though Miami was selected by the media Monday as the preseason pick to win the ACC championship game, Coker spent the opening portion of his session answering questions about the shooting incident and about backup linebacker Willie Williams, who was allowed to enroll at Miami two years ago despite having 11 prior arrests. Unhappy with playing time, Williams asked for a release from his scholarship.

"As for right now, I think it's still a little bit up in the air," Coker said. He also said he would consider taking Williams back on the team even though he missed the Hurricanes' voluntary offseason workouts.

Great! Take him back. Just keep him the HELL away from Florida State! Do you hear me, Larry Coker? The fate of the world is in your hands. Do not let Willie Williams anywhere near that free-for-all of firearms. Even having him in the same state makes me break out in a cold sweat.

Where's the Tylenol?