Thursday, September 12, 2013

After Further Reviewing - 4th Quarter Offense Vs. Michigan

Okay, sorry for the delays in today's AFR (not in any way affiliated with mgoblog's exquisite Upon Further Review series). You know, Ragnorak...


LN
DN
DS
O FORM
RB
TE
WR
D FORM
TYPE
PLAY
PLAYER
YARDS
O23 1 10 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 4-4 Under Penalty False Start Martin -5
Defense shows pressure.
O28 1 15 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Okie Zero Pass Dumpoff Jones Inc
Pressure up the middle forces dreaded rollout, Rees gets rid of it. Would have had nothing even if caught. (TA, N/A) 
O28 2 15 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Middle Screen Niklas 13
M Defense dials up too much heat, big zone underneath the dropping LB's, easy pickup. (CA, 1)
O15 3 2 Shotgun 4-wide 1 0 4 Nickel Even Pass Flash Screen Daniels -2
Two defenders in close coverage blow this up before it even gets going. Toss is a little high to do anything, but play is DOA anyway. (MA, 1)
O17 4 4 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 Okie Zero Pass Post Jones Inc
M brings the entire earth on a blitz. Right call launching it for Jones in man coverage, but the pressure prevents Rees from stepping into the throw. Somewhere in the distance, a raven caws. The moon has gradually turned blood red during this drive. (IN, 3)
Drive Notes: Turnover on Downs, 20-34, 14:23 4th Q.
LN
DN
DS
O FORM
RB
TE
WR
D FORM
TYPE
PLAY
PLAYER
YARDS
N48 1 10 Pistol 3-wide 1 1 3 Nickel Even Run Power O Atkinson 16
Guard pulls and makes a solid smash block to open up a seam, Atkinson turns on the burners. There is a barely-perceptible earthquake. As crowd noise subsides, we can hear that all of the dogs in the city are barking furiously.
O36 1 10 Pistol 3-wide 1 1 3 Nickel Over Pass Hitch Brown 11
Big cushion on Brown, quick-hitter with some yardage afterwards. A fissure opens in the parking lot and belches a geyser of steam behind the south end zone. Ravens begin amassing on top of the press box. (CA, 1)
O25 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Corner Jones Inc
Rees rolls the dice on a corner route, just can't pinpoint it because Tommy Rees. Press box is now covered in ravens, Herbstreit shoos some away with a broom so the broadcasters can actually see the action. The linesman notices a strange red pool slowly oozing out of the locker room. (IN, 3) 
O25 2 10 Shotgun 3-wide 1 1 3 Okie One Pass TE Out Niklas 2
Can't pick up pressure, Rees flings it out to the flat to take what he can get. A comet blazes across the night sky, bathing the stadium in odd midday light for a big 3rd down play. The linesman now realizes it's a stream of blood flowing from the locker room, and takes a few steps toward the center of the field to keep his shoes dry. (CA, 1)
O23 3 8 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Dig Jones Inc
Timing route blown up by LB making well-timed drop. Play suspended briefly as ten thousand snakes escape from the steam fissure. A raven plucks out Musburger's right eye (consummate pro, he doesn't miss a beat brodcasting). (BR, 2)
Drive Notes: Field Goal, 34-30, 9:30 4th Q. Goes in the books as a 40-yarder, but the goalposts fell over during the snakequake, so all Brindza had to do was kind of roll the ball past the 10 yard line. (+1)
LN
DN
DS
O FORM
RB
TE
WR
D FORM
TYPE
PLAY
PLAYER
YARDS
N35 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Over Pass Sack N/A -9
Good coverage, line can't hold, Rees can't escape pocket. River of blood now slashing through the southwest corner of the field. The first few reanimated corpses from Arborcrest Cemetary have found their way into the stadium, but pose minimal threat because they're stuck in the line for the bathroom. More to come.
N26 2 19 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Nickel Even Pass Hitch Brown 10
M drops into coverage, Rees makes the right read. Light drizzle of flaming sulfur begins. Brady Hoke briefly catches fire, but seems unperturbed. Everything right of the right hashmark is under the blood river. Musburger has been picked clean to the bones. Can't see Herbstreit, although can barely make out him reciting a muffled rosary on the broadcast. (CA, 1)
N36 3 9 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 400K Nickel Even Pass TE Seam Niklas 21
Probably should have been a too many men penalty (R-1), as it appears that the entire Communion of Saints have lined up for Notre Dame here. South half of stadium now completely overrun by walking dead, although they appear neutral vis a vis the football game so I didn't count them in the formation totals. M fortunate Niklas had to steer back toward center of field away from blood lake, otherwise might have been gone (BL+1). (DO, 2)
O43 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 4 Zombie Horde Pass In Daniels 12
Communion of Saints now in heated battle with the Army of the Underworld in the far end zone, so ND back to 11-man formation. Zombies might not technically be partisan but by this point they have formed a wall that, along with the blood lake, is more or less incorporated into M's defensive scheme. Good stop-fade by Daniels, picks up decent yardage before being bitten repeatedly by undead ghouls. Would have liked to see him pick up a few more YAZB. (DO, 2)
O31 1 10 Shotgun Empty TE 0 1 3.5 Zombies Over Pass TE Hitch Niklas 11
Communion of saints roundly defeated by Satan. Drat, they would have helped on this drive. Fans in north stands being dragged screaming into maw of hell. Only counted 3.5 receivers, as TJ Jones is huddled in a ball on the far hash writing something. ESPN chyron is blocking the paper, but it looks like it's his last will and testament. Good underneath throw by Tommy. (DO, 2)
O20 1 10 Just Tommy 0 0 0 H'fffftth Pass Fade Daniels Inc
The earth splits in half right after the snap, swallowing all of ND's offense except Rees (fortunately in shotgun). H'ffffftth the Horrid emerges from the chasm, belching fire. Rees spots Davaris Daniels dangling upside down in one of H'ffffftth's tentacles, but isn't able to thread the needle. Also, H'fffffth has ripped Daniels' arms off. (CA, 3)
O20 2 10 All Living ND Players 13 22 38 Blood Mountain Pass OutJones 7
H'ffffth devoured by ten thousand ravens, mercifully, but his death rattle awakens mighty Vulcan, causing a pressure fault that forces a 500-foot cliff of bedrock up between the Irish and the end zone. The blood river's flow is diverted down the narrow canyons of the mountain, causing a flash bloodflood that obliterates all life between the hashes. Rees spots Jones with some space in the flat and makes the quick out. (DO, 2).
O13 3 3 Trebuchet 4 12 30 Grogshabroth Pass Catapult Jones 7
Not enough time on the clock to take the switchbacks over blood mountain, so the team constructs a hasty trebuchet from the timbers of what used to be Michigan Stadium. Rees hits Jones perfectly in stride after he's launched. Jones appears on a trajectory to land in the end zone, but, gawdammit, Grogshabroth has finally arrived. He swallows Jones in one mighty gulp at the 7 yard line. (DO, 3)
O6 1 GTommy & Amir 0 1 0 Ragnorak Pass Slant Carlisle INT
Grogshabroth abandons his defensive responsibilities briefly to devour Satan and his armies whole (and does so in, like, no time flat). Towers of flaming sulfur have engulfed everything but about a ten yard circle around the LOS. I think Tommy could feel the pressure of the world ending and sort of rushed this pass, bouncing it off Amir's hands. Countess makes a good read on the deflection, but on the replay it looks like the earth implodes and disintegrates BEFORE he's able to get a foot on the ground (R-1). Total screw job by the refs, but seeing as these are our final seconds on Earth, best not to dwell on it. I hug my wife and baby one last time.
Drive Notes: Interception, 30-41, 1:46 4Q. Goodbye, earth. 


So now what?

Well, if you're reading this, it means you were one of the two dozen humans still alive, blown clear of the earth's implosion on the craggy cliffs of what used to be the Flannan Isles of Scotland. I reckon you've got about three or four days left until your asteroid's weak gravity field loses its grip on its thin atmosphere and you all asphyxiate. I'd probably use this time to catch up with Breaking Bad on DVD.
Why didn't we bring in the fullback to block Grogshabroth?

We don't have a fullback on the roster. Also, Grogshabroth is 800 feet tall with nine horrid mouths full of rows of diamond-sharp teeth. We'd probably have to double him with a tight end/tackle.
So who's the Heisman frontrunner?

George MacQuaid. He's played one season of rugby at Cambridge in the 1970s. He seems to be the most athletic person still alive.

What does it mean for the future?

Hopefully one of the chunks that used to be earth will collide with a planet in a habitable zone sometime in the next few million years. If there are some well-preserved microorganisms in some of its air pockets, we might be looking at life in a few billion years and college football a few billion after that. Maybe we'll renew the rivalry then.



3 Comments:

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Joe said...

*slow clap*

 
At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, that's the way it looked to me, too. Go Blue!

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Misopogon said...

Chart?

 

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