Sunday, January 29, 2006


I'm sure there are a lot of readers out there who, like myself, utilize Wikipedia on a daily basis for research and to answer odd trivia questions that nag at you from time to time. But for as much faith as we put into the open-source encyclopedia, it's important to remember that the Wiki interface does not safeguard us against Looney Tunes who feel like typing random crap.

KelleyCook, a poster at NDNation who has taken to the task of helping out with Notre Dame football's Wikipedia page, tipped us off to a recent update of the ND Football page that will likely require some revision or perhaps deletion. (UPDATE: the page has [thankfully] been revised, but the original revision is still linked here) Since this aforementioned _____ (not sure what to call it... vandalism? spamming? Marcoing?) has been removed, I've copied and pasted the update here. Any one of you wackos want to own up to this one?

The Charlie Weis Era (2004- )

Though this epoch has yet to see its end, the bigness of its bang in the beginning augurs a new and successful creation. Charles W. Weis (the W. is for Win) took over the head coaching position in 2004, after a disasterous and unmentionable period of years that shall be erased from both space and time. Charlie Weis began his tenure as smoothly as a 1970s Travolta dance move, but without the greasy Italian hair products or the horribly erotic glances at automobiles. Like a hot wife on butter, Charlie could do no wrong, hiring a tremendous coaching staff that was the envy of the N.C.A.A. and N.A.S.A.

In his first game against Pittsburgh, Charlie Weis demonstrated the awesomeness of his mind by repeatedly shocking Dave Wannstedt out of his typical mustachioed malaise and into a facial expression not unlike a small doe that has just seen its mother decapitated by a helicopter. If Dante had written a Celebrity Paradiso, Charlie would have vaulted right into the part of heaven where Springsteen, Jackie Kennedy, Johnny Lujack, pre-whiteness MJ, and Dave Chappelle reside.

Yet Charlie bested that effort the next week, showing a maturity and patience beyond his rookie experience, as his team slowly and methodically pounded Michigan into an early acceptance of one of its annual four losses. Lloyd Carr nearly lost some of his superfluous "L's" and "R's" as he realized this man-Weis would be on his schedule each and every year, and that in the modern age there was no anti-Catholic rhetoric with which he could smokescreen so as to justify dropping ND from the schedule, as was custom for pansy Wolverines of old.

A loss to Michigan State did not occur. Huge wins against Washington and Purdue did. A memorable moment came with the "Pass Right" play that a brain-cancer-riddled Tyrone Willingham had left to be used shortly before his mind died and he took the ND coaching job and ran it like a pencil-mustached corpse. Man of grace that he is, Charlie Weis honored the late Willingham's wishes.

After two weeks time, the Fighting Irish tussled with the Trojans of SoCal in one of the most anticipated football games of recent history. One seemingly small footnote became its own chapter in the book: Before the game Pete Carol, the first transgender coach in NCAA football history (or as he/she prefers-his/herstory) also became the first coach to decline instant replay, due to his/her longstanding aversion to Truth, and the way replay made him/her look 10 pounds heavier. This decision became decisive when, after a long and hard fought game, victory was decided as a non-student, Matthew Leinart, ended up getting pushed across the goal-line in an illegal play by running back Reggie H. W. Bush. Officials were unable to review whether or not Bush pushed or if the ineligible athlete Leinart actually played in the game.

Nonetheless, this hirsute challenge to one of football's best (i.e. most illegal) teams gave the Irish stature not gained since the Holtz era. Charlie Weis was quickly signed to an extended contract and fast-tracked to canonization by Pope Benedict "the Shark" XVI. Win after win came as the offense, led by Quarterback Brady Quinn, Running Back Darius "Texas Ranger" Walker, and Receivers Maurice "White Lighting" Stovall and Jeff "Chocolate Thunder" Smarjetc., became one of the most prolific in Division I. Victories over BYU, Tennessee, Navy, Syracuse, and Stanford were like insulin martinis for alcoholic diabetics; ND fans all over the world grew proud that their alma mater truly had "return[ed] to glory."

This magical season ended with a fitting honor: The Irish were chosen for an elite Bowl Championship Series berth in the Fiesta Bowl. Their opponent was The Ohio State University, which provided the gratuitous "The" so as to reinforce to their students that it was, in fact, a noun. The game was hard-fought and well-played, but in the end, tOSU triumphed, after the Tostitos Honorary Officating Crew of Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, and Hellen Keller overturned a catch that led to a ND interception and game-breaking TD. Flush with success after this stroke of dumb (and deaf and blind) luck, tOSU players quickly signed a lucrative endorsement contract with Taco Bell. Only days later were their parents able to explain that they had actually signed an impoverishing employment contract with Taco Bell.

The Fighting Irish finished 9-2 on the year, with a bright future assured due to a top-notch coaching staff, lots of returning talent, a great recruiting class, and many smiling eyes among the Irish faithful. God bless Charlie Weis.
(courtesy of Wikipedia)