Sunday, January 22, 2006

So, You're Going to Play for the Orgeron

This afternoon, Junior College phenom and superathlete Brent Schaeffer made it official that he is leaving behind the bottle blonde groupies and all the mahogany you can handle at the College of the Sequoias and giving SEC football another whirl, this time under the tutelage of Ed Orgeron at Ole Miss. We only vaguely remember Schaeffer's on-again, off-again freshman campaign at Tennessee and his grisly collarbone injury against South Carolina, but it sounds like he's the real deal and ready to take over. The House Rock Built wishes him luck and we look forward to seeing what he can do with his remaining two years.

That being said, we also are afraid for his safety as he strolls down that dark, mysterious road called Orgeronia. As avid followers of Ed Orgeron's mania and misdeeds, we sure hope the fella knows what he's getting into on his bizarre and twisted journey.

In case he doesn't, though, I've dug through the bookshelves in my trophy room and found a handy text that I have found is very useful to youngsters in the same position as young mister Schaeffer. Covered in dust and jammed between copies of "So You're Going to Get Life-Threatening Illegal Gender Modification Surgery Outside of the United States?" and "So You're On Trial for Running Around a Local Playground With No Pants On While Spraying Bystanders With a Super Soaker Full of Citronella Oil?" is this very informative pamphlet, copyright 1978. Here are some of my favorite excerpts.

From the Foreward, by Pete Carroll
So you're going to play for the Orgeron? Well, of course you are, that's why you bought this book. Rest assured you are about to embark on a magical yet perilous journey that will test the very metal of your body, your sanity, and your inner rage. You will enter Orgeronia a fresh-faced lad full of ideas and ambitions, and you will leave a grizzled, mutant sociopath aimlessly wandering the city streets in search of a way to slake your unquenchable thirst for human blood and suffering with overindulgence and sadism...

From Chapter One
"Preparing Yourself Psychologically for the Orgeron"
...granted, this is a lot of information at once, so we'll try to condense it down to list form. When planning your summer regimen before enrolling, here are some "Do's" and "Don't's" for making yourself mentally ready for Orgeronation:
  • DO: Dedicate time daily to reflect upon and take deep quasi-sexual pleasure in abject and unnecessary violence wrought upon undeserving bystanders.
  • DON'T: Get your ear pierced, you fucking pussy. If you insist on doing something to decorate your corpus because you're an attention-craving Sally, get a tattoo. On your ass. Of a naked woman. Then, when they try to charge you after they finish, KO the guy with a flying dragon punch.
  • DO: Wear your football helmet while performing the physical act of love. Encourage your partner to pull out fistfulls of your hair and burn you with the cigarette lighter thing from your car...

From Chapter Nine
"Papa Eddie's Barroom Brawling Techniques and Tips" we all know that there will be times that we lose games out on the field. But remember that when we carry ourselves with integrity and always give 110%, there's one thing, deep within, that we can never lose. And that one thing is a bar fight. An Orgeron man strives for perfection on the field, off the field, and on top of the pool table while brandishing a broken bottle of Wild Turkey and a splintered and bloodstained pool cue. Just keep these handy tips in mind:
  • The Nicholls State Nutcracker: A well-rounded maneuver that comes through in the clutch when you're hopelessly outnumbered. As you can see in Figure 1[a], the positioning of your weight-bearing foot is the most integral factor in getting the requisite centrifugal velocity to maximize your crotch-cleaving efforts.
  • The Syracuse Scissorkick: This move is for experts only. Untrained users shouuld not, I repeat, should not attempt this move, particularly if there is a juke box or pane of glass within fifteen feet of your starting point. For those maverick enough to give it a shot, Figure 2[c] illustrates this complicated yet tragically beautiful weapon...

Like what you see? The full text is available on the pay-site for subscribers of The House Rock Built Insider.

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