Monday, January 21, 2008

Your 2008 Defensive All-Hairmericans

Not to be outdone, there was some fine achievement on the defensive side of the ball for All-Hairmericans. You can catch the offensive All-Hairmerican team (and Hairsman Trophy Winner) right here. Let's have a look:

    Defensive Line

  • Trevor Laws, Notre Dame

    Ignoring his superhuman performance on a dreadful 3-9 team, there's absolutely no denying Trevor Laws' rightful place at the head of the All-Hairmerican team. A full on caveman-meets-lumberjack-meets-Amish deacon, Laws' hairdo took on all comers this year and won, even when his team couldn't quite return the favor.

  • Tyson Alualu, California

    A consummate professional in the hair department, Alualu also suffered from a very straight-laced official picture. However, thrifty photographers were able to capture the glory of his 'do and prevent him from missing out on this great award.

  • David Faaeteete, Oregon

    David could have pretty much won an All-Hairmerican award on his name alone, sight unseen. However, he didn't use that as an excuse to get lazy, and instead pitched in with a truly massive head of hair to go along with his massive name. Good show.

  • Allen Cray, USF

    A little pudgy, but with the shaggy hairdo and silly mustache, Cray puts together an altogether Hairmerican-worthy physical appearance by sheer will alone.

  • Linebackers

  • Travis Goethel, Arizona State (Spicoli Award)

    Travis Goethel is a no-brainer Haiermerican, but he's also the distinguished recipient of the inaugural Spicoli Award, which goes to the white guy with the goofiest long blonde hair (last year's retroactive winner, Trent Pupello, ended up transferring from Florida over concerns that the coaching staff was not effectively using his Fabio-esque hair).

  • Trey Covington, Maryland

    The long, semi-bleached ragged dreadlocks were too much for our selection committee to resist, and Covington instantly found a way into our hearts as a runaway favorite.

  • Mike Altieri, Boise State

    A shaggy, poofy disaster, Altieri says you don't have to use lots of hair products to get onto the All-Hairmerican team. A little grit and determination, combined with minimal regard for bathing, can be just as much of a sure-fire ticket to immortality than the most manicured head-forest.

  • Cornerbacks

  • Kennard Cox, Pitt

    Well-maintained dreadlocks are a rarity in this league, but maybe Cox was taking advice from his head coach on the importance of carefully taking care of the hair on your face and head.

  • D.J. Wolfe, Oklahoma (Mr. T Award)

    I think the "Mr. T Award" is self-explanatory. Wolfe busted out this exotic number during the Big 12 Championship game and spent the rest of the evening pitying Chase Daniel for being a fool.


  • Jamari McCollough, Maryland

    The second Terp to haul in All-Hairmerican honors this year (along with teammate Trey Covington), McCollough pitches in with some exquisite dreadlocks and a soul patch to tie it all together.

  • Jamie Silva, Boston College

    Jamie Silva went a long way this year in proving that you can be a hard-hitting badass and still have really, really pretty hair. The cognitive dissonance of it all makes my head spin, too, but get used to it, America.

  • Bo McNally, Stanford

    An oustanding frizzy shaggy mane that kind of looks like the carpet in my grandparents' basement, Bo knows crazy hair. Bo knows crazy hair indeed.

We'd like to congratulate all these young men on their achievements and wish them the best of success in their future careers. You've earned it, fellas.