But I Don't Wanna Be a Pirate!

In addition to Frank Spaziani's righteous mustache, the American viewing public also witnessed the unveiling of Virginia Tech's painfully hideous uniforms. Nike appears to have taken to hurling empty bottles of bourbon at the concept of symmetry, and instead resorted to the superhero-ization of the college uniform. And don't laugh, Florida, because you're next on their hit list, along with the unfortunate souls at Miami (FL) and Southern Cal.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, the dual-colored arms are probably more suited for fighting crime or scaling buildings. But the biggest problem with it is that it's a NASCAR look. Please, HRB begs you, do not turn college football into NASCAR. We have our sanity to look out for.

So, football fans, there's not much left to do but enjoy these disastrous uniforms the same way you enjoy a bad episode of Trading Spaces, where the homeowners stare in horrified astonishment at their mutilated house. This, just like the sores you got after last year's Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, is only temporary. In time we will all forget about it.

In the meantime, HRB preseents this exclusive first look at Miami (FL)'s new Nike uniform, which they will proudly roll out at their next home game.