Saturday, December 31, 2005

Peach Bowl Semi-Liveblogging

Observations from the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl

 Did it piss anyone else off that every skill position player for Miami was wearing a tinted visor? Sure, it may be useful for those scorching afternoon games in the Orange Bowl, but look around you, geniuses. It's a night game. In a dome. What, is Corey Hart their equipment manager?

Now here's a guy who can appreciate wearing sunglasses at night

I'm angry at Chick-Fil-A right now. So I watched the entire Peach Bowl from the opening kickoff the the final seconds, and in doing so was bombarded by advertisements for the corporate sponsor. So as the last seconds are ticking off the clock, I have a ravenous and uncontrollable urge to eat myself a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. And that's when I found out this: 
You filthy, filthy tease

That's right, to fulfill my craving I would have to get in the car and drive 53 miles in the middle of the night after a long night of football and drinking just to get a freaking chicken sandwich. I only made it as far as Deerfield before plowing my car off the road and into a ditch, breaking both my legs.

Okay, that didn't happen, but it could have, thanks to Chick-Fil-A's corporate irresponsibility. Today, my craving for Chick-Fil-A remains unabated and I have no idea when it will be... um, abated. Look, either build restaurants in Chicago or black out the game in the region, because what you're doing now is cruel and unethical.

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 Continuing on yesterday's anthropomorphic peach thread, loyal reader Sean Harmon directed me to this picture, which even further illustrates the latent sexuality inherent in the design of a peach. With the sponsors dumping the "Peach Bowl" tag next year, they're going to have to think of another way to sex up the game. Might I suggest renaming it the "Chick-Fil-A Amorphophallus Paeoni Bowl?"

Can't wait to see what the trophy looks like!

Friday, December 30, 2005

I'd Like to Ass You a Few Questions

The Peach Bowl logo looks like an ass.

I'm just sayin'.

Now That's Stylin'

A hearty congratulations to the Boston College Eagles, who pulled off a thrilling victory in Boise at the MPC Computers Bowl. Given Boston College's exhaustive track record of tearing up the turf after a victory like amorous gophers during mating season, it's safe to say that Tom O'Brien will have quite a fetching new decoration for his office.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Illicit Participation

Talk about a wild finish. In the waning seconds of the Alamo Bowl, Michigan dug deep into the playbook and attempted an octuple-hook-and-lateral that ended with both sidelines clearing, confused tackling, and Tyler Ecker coming up one pitch, thirteen yards, and one fatass trombone player away from the greatest finish in college football history.

For those of you who didn't see it or were too disoriented to make sense of it, the House Rock Built, with assistance from the magic of TiVo, has provided this readers' guide to the play that almost was.

Chad Henne

passed to

Jason Avant

lateraled to

Mike Hart

lateraled to

Steve Breaston

lateraled to

Mario Manningham

fumble recovered by

Mike Hart

lateraled to

Sam Sword
Graduate Assistant
Outside Linebackers Coach

lateraled to

Tyler Ecker

fumble recovered by

Herbie Husker

fumble recovered by

Derek Jeter
Former Michigan baseball player

lateraled to

James Earl Jones
Class of '55

lateraled to

Ann Coulter
Michigan JD, '88

fumble recovered by

Mike Wallace
Michigan Alumnus

fumble recovered by

The Crew of Gemini 4
All Michigan graduates
The astronauts were driven out of bounds at the Nebraska 13 yard line as time expired

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Ripped from the Headlines!

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ORLANDO - Havoc broke out at the Citrus Bowl Tuesday when Gary Barnett pulled his most daring stunt yet, circumventing a restraining order and parachuting into the stadium during the third quarter. After gaining entry to the stadium, Barnett scurried with deceptive speed into the press box, seizing control of the playcalling booth and barracading himself within. For thirty tense minutes, Barnett daringly perpetuated the standoff with state and federal authorities, all the while calling in plays for the Buffaloes.

Those hoping for a peaceful end to the hostilities were horrified when a Florida SWAT team crashed into the booth, attempting to quash Barnett's uprising. The stunned crowd gasped as Barnett evaded the law by smashing out the press box glass and escaping by hangglider. The manhunt continued into the night, but was eventually called off due to darkness. Barnett still remains at large.

In the thirty minutes Barnett had control of the offense, the Buffaloes ran six plays for a net gain of negative 32 yards.

Sweet Glorious Travesty

Well, the stakes have been raised. We all know that the Fiesta Bowl winner will receive a top five ranking, the adoration of millions of leathery-tanned desert bunnies, and enough Tostitos to kill a horse. But, wait, that's not all! The sponsers have decided to sweeten the pot a bit with this magnificent... trophy... sculpture thing.

While I prefer the old trophy, which consisted of a Troll doll nailed to a piece of plywood, this trophy is... well... special too, in its own right. The sponsors kindly give us a rundown of its meaning:
The inlaid compass on the base floor signifies the path in life we choose to lead. The players at the base of the trophy depict those that support the team, while the players at the top depict those that guard the ball. The curtain above the players is inscribed with the ancient greek word Nike, the goddess of Victory. The lotus flower designed dome identifies the purity of strength, power and heart of the victors. The perfection of the diamonds on the football speak of the remarkable dedication of the winning team to their sport.
That's fine and dandy, but to me it looks more like the bastard child of the River City Rivalry Trophy and that Bavarian stein I smuggled out of the Hofbrauhaus in my trousers after getting in a fight with nine pissed-off soccer hooligans from Hamburg (long story that my lawyers have advised me not to discuss here).

Parade Season

Sure, the main focus of any trip to a bowl game is the game itself, but make sure you don't overlook all the other great events and pagentry that surround a bowl week. Here at HRB, our second-favorite part about a bowl trip is the spectacular parades that are put on to celebrate the massive amount of tourist dollars flowing into the nightclubs and G-strings of the host city. We tracked down the program for Boise's MPC Computer Bowl parade, and it certainly looks like a doozy. So take a break from the busy Boise nightlife, Boston College fans, and head on over to main plaza, where you can see these awe-inspiring floats and more cruising down the street.

MPC Computers Presents:
A Blue Review: A parade of my favorite blue things
The Blue Man Group
Blues Clues
Frank Booth
from Blue Velvet
Jake & Elwood Blues
Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue
from Forrest Gump
The Kelley Blue Book
Featuring the musical stylings of:
Deep Blue Something
And featuring a keynote speech by
Player 1
from Contra

Monday, December 26, 2005

Dink & Dunk The Cartoon!

(click thumbnail to read comic)

Dink & Dunk join you in their new psychotic medium. Today, they tackle the issue that's certainly been bugging a lot of us.

Seriously, ESPN needs to scale back the USC hype. USC is a great team, God knows we've all figured that out on our own. But look, we've got the undisputed 1-2 matchup in the Rose Bowl for all the marbles, so there's no need to generate excitement, especially when it requires unabashedly rooting for one of the teams. Let's just play the freakin game. If USC wins, then you can go ahead and beat me over the head with this "Greatest of all Time" talk. Just wait. Please. At least uphold the appearance of objectivity, if for no other reason than your journalistic integrity.

Yeah, we know the rules. If the House Rock Built gets on a soap box and rants, we must pay the penalty and post a picture of a man dressed like a piece of fruit. Feast away, ye savages.

The Old Mailbag

Well, I've been out of town for a few days, and the old mailbox got pretty stuffed. After I sorted out the credit card offers, parking tickets, impound notices, and J. Peterman catalogs, I got to read over all the Christmas cards I've received from my friends in college football. Some of them were so heartwarming that they needed to be shared with you guys. Hope your holiday is as full of cheer as mine!

Dear House Rock Built,

Hope you're enjoying our spot up in Phoenix, you bunch of cheaters... haha, just kidding! Actually, we're having a lot more fun here in San Diego anyway! We got to go see the whales and I'm writing you this letter from the beach! The beach I tell ya! Things are pretty laid back... watching foxy ladies in bikinis on the beach and eating through all these extra bags of Tostitos we have left over from our attempt to bribe the sponsors. Have you had those scoopy chips? Of course you have, look who I'm asking. Man, those are fucking tasty chips. Seriously, if you want some, we have like hundreds of thousands of them here. I don't know what we're going to do with all of them. Do these things keep well? I know what's-his-face, Brent Guy from Utah State loves tortilla chips. I'll save a few bags for him when we play them in September, hopefully they won't make him sick. Well, my coconut-husk pina coloada is getting empty, so I'll let you go. Quack on!

Mikey B

Dear House Rock Built,

Things are great here in El Paso San Antonio! Wish you were here! Seriously, we really do. Anyway, we're here playing Nebraska or Oklahoma or something, but really we're just having the time of our life in either Central or Southern Texas, wherever San Antonio happens to be. Just yesterday, Chad Henne urinated on the Alamo! What a goof! Tomorrow we're going down to the beach and maybe some shopping in Ciudad Juarez. I don't get many opportunities to “Hab-lah es-pan-yole” up in Ann Arbor, so I'm hoping to hone my skills and score some bargains and perhaps one or two cervezas, if you know what I mean (it means beer, if you don't). Anyway, Go Blue! See you guys in September!


Dear House Rock Built

Well, it's been a tricky couple of weeks preparing for the South Clemsolina onslaught, especially since I don't have an office, staff, computer, or access to the team. But rest assured, I've got these Buffaloes whipped up into shape, ready to hoist that Champs Sports trophy and laugh right in the face of Steve Spurrier's son, Timmy. Anyway, I've been living at the YMCA in Orlando here, and I can't wait until the big game to show off my master plan. Sure, I've been informed that I can't come within 500 yards of the Citrus Bowl without being arrested, but little setbacks like that have never been too much for ole Coach B. Just you watch. I'll have my day.