Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Round up the Usual Suspects

We are treated to some earth-shaking news from the College Football broadcasting world today, as CSTV has put together The Dream Team 2006, a motley team of rag-tag castoffs and re-treads unprecedented in broadcasting history. In addition to Women's Field Hockey and Water Polo that is standardly seen on CSTV, the crew will be in charge of a fairly impressive slate of college football games, including most games played by the Mountain West Conference and the Notre Dame - Air Force game. In light of this, we feel the need to take a look at the new squad that was put together. You see, the key to any three-man booth is locking up the "Three Golden Stereotypes" in football broadcasting with the best talent available. I'm a big fan of the choices that were made, but there's always room for improvement. Here is some analysis and my suggestions for the perfect stereotype-filler.

  • First, the disgraced ex-broadcaster: Trev Alberts. Run out of ESPN on a rail, Alberts has spent the last year drinking liters of German beer and plotting bloody revenge on the company that crushed his dreams. The scrappy Cedar Falls, Iowa native is touted in the article as being a former All-American at Nebraska. Orson at EDSBS makes a good point in the dubious nature of bragging about two-decade old accomplishments, but hey, you have to take what you can get.

    House Rock Built Would Have Picked: When you're talking about disgraced broadcasters, there is really only one name that comes to mind. I say ditch Alberts and hook up with Marv Albert. A bold, defiant individualist who is completely unashamed of his horrifyingly unique sexual appetite. Not only do you lock up a string of quality catch phrases, but you also get that constant on-screen tension as everybody tries hard not to say anything about "bite marks".
  • Next, the hysterically heartless and snake-bitten washed-out quarterback: Chris Rix. If you look up the phrase "abject despair", you will find a glossy picture of Chris Rix. His seemingly-unending career at Florida State was an enthralling string of cruel and unique heartbreaks that were so sickly compelling that even the most sympathetic viewer was powerless in averting their gaze. Rix holds what I'm pretty sure is an unbreakable record by losing to the same team five times during his college career, most of them on improbably devastating last-second field goal misses. Doing a google image search for "Chris Rix" reveals an incredible gallery of futility, failure, and humiliation.

    House Rock Built Would Have Picked: No-brainer. Todd Marinovich. The most washed-out of all the washouts there have ever been, Marinovich would be able to keep things lively with his drug-addled on-air antics.
  • The Wild Card: Jonathan "The Coach" Coachman. In order to round out the booth, you're going to need a third person who, by all appearances, has no right to be there. This strategy was made famous by ABC dragging in oddballs like Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh to fill up their Monday Night Football booth. Coachman seems to be the logical choice for this role, sliding over from his other CSTV responsibilities. His connection to college football is dubious at best, and his presence would be confusing enough to do ABC proud.

    House Rock Built Would Have Picked: George Foreman. He has just enough broadcasting experience to make it a credible pick, plus he announced the Zbikowski fight, so he's got at least some connection to college football. His dodderring and unintelligibility due to a lifetime's worth of concusscions will remind avid football fans of Keith Jackson, filling in the confused idiot broadcaster archetype that we crave during the season.

My broadcast dream team.