Friday, November 18, 2005

The Rise of the House of Stewart

Today, larger-than-life offensive guard Chris Stewart, the behemoth of Klein (TX), made it official that he will be busting skulls for the blue and gold come next season. Stewart is, by all objective accounts, a monster of a man. Checking in at 6 foot 5, and somewhere between 340 and 360 pounds (per the two recruiting services who had the audacity to weigh him), Stewart is a house, a total eclipse, a forklift. His Junior year, he pancake blocked fifty-plus hapless souls to whom The House Rock Built extends their deepest condolences (including, we're guessing, poor number 87 in this picture).

Let's take a minute to let this percolate. An eighteen year old high school senior who clocks in at one-sixth of a ton. Maybe this isn't registering with you, so let us elucidate this point. Here are some other things that you could line up as Right Guard that would be equivalent to the mountain of man meat that Stewart brings to the table:

KitchenAid Architect
25.1 Cubic Foot Side-by-Side Refrigerator
with Bottom-Mount Freezer
Stainless Steel
360 lbs.
Frigidaire 3.0 Cubic Foot Washer
Washer/Dryer Super capacity Gas Laundry Center
White on White
290 lbs.
Koko, the Sign-Language Gorilla
35 years old
Knows over 1,000 signs in American Sign Language
Avid artist and kitten lover
280 lbs.
William Howard Taft
27th President of the United States
10th Chief Justice of the United States
First American President buried in Arlington National Cemetary
340 lbs.

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