Stanford Tree Gunned Down in Gangland-Style Execution

Police interview witnesses at the crime scene.

BERKELEY - Police are still searching for leads in the sudden and tragic death of one of collegiate athletics' most beloved mascots, the Stanford Tree. The tree was discovered by security personnel in the visitors' locker room shortly after halftime of a Stanford-Cal basketball match. The guards were sent to look for the mascot after it failed to appear with the rest of the band following the intermission. Reports detailed a grisly crime scene, with the tree lying face down in "an almost impossibly large pool of syrupy sap." The officer on the scene stated that "foul play was unquestionably involved here." "I've seen my fair share of crime scenes in my 25 years on the force, but this one sticks out. This had personal written all over it." Charlie Weis could not be reached for comment.