Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Born to Hand Jive

Uh, oh, it looks like there's a lover's quarrel between Southern Cal and ABC. And they seemed so happy together last year. Tragic, really.

Anyway, the long and short is that Brent Musberger gave away a secret hand signal during last Saturday's telecast which has sent the SC athletic department into a drunken letter-writing tizzy. Listen, ladies, if your signals can be decoded by the dim bulbs they stuff in the broadcast booth, they're probably in need of a revamping anyway.

If Southern Cal is upset about that revelation, wait till they see this. You see, I have availed myself of Southern Cal's entire secret language of hand signals, and here it is for the entire internet to see. Bring on the lawyers:

USC's Secret Hand Signals

(do not tell anyone about these)

"Hang Loose"
Signals that a receiver is in man coverage.

"Drowning Puppy"
Blitz is coming, everybody chop block at the knees.

"Blinkers On"
Very, very tall knee-shredding grass on this part of the field. Avoid if at all possible.

"Pirouette"
Let's run that play we drew up in dance class.

"Pull Over"
Watch out... obnoxious hanger-on celebrity pretending to be a USC fan on this sideline.

"Cut Engines"
Dude, shut up about the free house an agent bought your parents. NCAA investigators at 6 O'Clock.

"El Mano Cornuto"
I am an Illuminatus. The raven crows at midnight.

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