The University of Notre Dame is Transferring

Right on the heels of the transfers of Ronald Talley, Zach Frazer, Demetrius Jones, Konrad Reuland, and Chris Stewart, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish were dealt another serious blow when the University of Notre Dame itself announced its plans to transfer. While all of the others were third-string players unlikely to make an impact on the team this season, the loss of the University of Notre Dame and its 8,332 students, 780 faculty members, 26 varsity teams, $6.5 billion endowment, and 1,250 acre campus will have very serious consequences for the Irish's 2007 season, and quite possibly beyond.

"All in all, it was a pretty amicable departure," said University President Rev. John I. Jenkins. "It's been a really great 165 years, but I just think it was time to move on."

Needless to say, the University of Notre Dame is now one of the hottest recruits on the market, and coaches from coast to coast are clamoring to get the University to come for an official visit.

"No doubt about it, I'd love to have the University of Notre Dame come to DeKalb," said Northern Illinois coach Joe Novak. "I think the University's resumé speaks for itself. It's not every day you get a chance to recruit a seven-time Heisman winner, 79-time All-American with 11 national championship rings. I think having that kind of firepower would really help put NIU on the map and put us on the path for a MAC championship, if not multiple MAC championships."

The University has already picked up scholarship offers from Florida, LSU, Southern Cal, and Ohio State, to name a few. Due to NCAA regulations, the Unviersity would have to sit out for one year if it transferred now, but there appears to be a loophole that would allow it to get on the field a year earlier. If the University enrolled in a junior college before this month's deadline and earned an associate's degree this semester, it would be eligible to transfer in the spring semester of 2008 and play next season. A source close to the University says that this is the plan, and the University has narrowed it down to either neighboring Holy Cross College or to Pearl River Community College, which has a better space-age technologies program, which is the University's major.

Whichever team gets the services of the University will have a big catch. The University is a four-star recruit on Rivals.com and is currently ranked #96 in the Rivals 100, and is rated as the #2 Entire University for the class of 2008.

Not bad numbers, but a lot of those are wind-aided and hand-timed.

Without a doubt, this will be a big blow to the Fighting Irish in the short term. The University of Notre Dame will not make the trip to Purdue this weekend, and with the Irish already being 21.5 point underdogs, the situation has just become exponentially more hopeless. However, all is not lost for Irish fans. In an interview on ESPN radio, Tom Lemming spoke highly of the future of the Irish:

"Without a doubt, losing the University was a big blow to Charlie Weis and the Fighting Irish, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's going to be easy to replace what it brought to the team: the students, the athletes, the facilities, and, most importantly, that intangible leadership. However, if you look at this 2008 recruiting class that's lined up, it's clear to see that help is on the way. The Irish will struggle through these growing pains as they try to replace the University, but they'll be back with a vengeance in 2009, maybe even sooner."

"Sarcastic College Football Gameday" To Broadcast Live From Ann Arbor on Saturday

The newest program in ESPN's ever-expanding litany of college football shows will make its series premiere this weekend at one of college football's most hallowed venues, Ann Arbor. The show is called "Sarcastic College Football Gameday", or SCFG for you text-messaging types, and is a weekly, floating-venue live broadcast intended to capture the all-important irony-loving hipster demographic by, paradoxically, spotlighting the most absurdly unimportant game of the week.

"With all of the success of the non-ironic College Football Gameday, it's a natural step to capitalize on the flipside of the market," said ESPN2 spokesperson Tad Beecher. "For every hyperkinetic, frenzied college football crowd going crazy with anticipation for an important rivalry game, there are just as many wholly dejected fanbases paralyzing themselves with alcohol in the parking lot before a game in anticipation of a three hour, mouth-agape gutpunch in a thoroughly-meaningless pillowfight.

"It's about time that we acknowledge those fans too and deliver programming catered specifically for those dejected souls whacked out on the sweet morphine of low expectations."

Sarcastic Gameday's traveling crew: Chip Caray, Fisher DeBerry, and Eric Crouch preview the day's action in front of a tepid and dreary Michigan crowd.

The venue for the inagural show is nothing if not fitting, as nothing quite says "ironic spectacle" like two of college football's most storied football programs meeting winless, unranked, and in nigh-absolute shambles. Throw in the fact that tickets for the game were selling at an average of $696 in the preseason and are now being used by thrifty vagrants as tindling and you've created the perfect storm of hilarious, eye-rolling absurdity.

Hosting the show will re-tread broadcaster Chip Caray, coaching burnout and media lightning rod Fisher DeBerry, and "Where are they now?" white option quarterback Eric Crouch, who form a hapless band of ultra-ironic døpplegangers for the flagship show. For now, the show is sponsored by IKEA, but many have accused the the understated "hipness" of the Swedish furniture company of undercutting the true irony of the show, or even worse of breaking down the fourth wall with a proverbial meta-ironic wink at the audience.

"It's a treat to get to kick off the show in such a terrific venue like the Big House," said Carey, demonstrating a tremendous amount of professionalism by delivering the line without any hint of a sarcastic grin. "These are two great college football teams and two great fanbases. There's going to be an electricity in the air that will be nothing short of amazing.

"And I'm, like, literally not completely talking out of my ass right now," he added before finally giving in to a long-stifled chuckle.

Blogpoll: I Ain't Settlin' For Anything Less Than Everything

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Southern Cal	25
2	West Virginia	24
3	LSU	23
4	Michigan	22
5	Louisville	21
6	Texas	20
7	Auburn	19
8	Hawaii	18
9	Georgia	17
10	Virginia Tech	16
11	Florida	15
12	California	14
13	Rutgers	13
14	Florida State	12
15	Tennessee	11
16	Wisconsin	10
17	Oklahoma	9
18	Ohio State	8
19	Texas A&M	7
20	TCU	6
21	Boston College	5
22	Boise State	4
23	Penn State	3
24	UCLA	2
25	Duke	1

Woo-hoo, it's blogpoll time! A couple beers, a well-thumbed copy of Phil Steele's guide, and some random conjecture later and the House Rock Built is making its debut splash in the blogpoll. For those of you who don't remember from last year, I have a very, very, very, ridiculously scientific way of determining my preseason top 25. You see, since there's nothing to judge any of these teams on yet, we have to use math, science, astrology, conjecture, heresay, and spreadsheets to come up with something approximately resembling a sensible arrangement of teams. In case you need a refresher on my category names, here's a handy guide that will help you out:

CIVFLYP	Completely Irrelevant Velocity From Last Year's Performance
WLBGB	Won Last Bowl Game Bonus
SAWO	Score At Will Offense
CDG	Casualty from Draft and Graduation
FSDD	Freaky Shut-Down Defense
VCC	Very Compotent Coach
SMFE	Show Me First Escrow A little more complicated stat, these are points I'm purposely withholding from a team until I've taken a look at their performance. Like Mark May, I'm old school Missouri, I demand that you show-me before I give you props. If after a few games, I see that the team has it together, these points will be added into their score.
VQB	Veteran Quarterback

If it's not obvious, this is intended to be a mockery of the convoluted logic that dictates preseason polling. Not to say that I'm not taking this seriously or that this is a joke ballot... it most certainly is not. It's just an exaggerated breakdown of the voodoo math that goes into assigning a preseason rank. By and large, it looks quite a bit like the AP preseason poll, which is probably because about 30 of the writers pay me a hefty royalty to use this very spreadsheet. But let's keep that under wraps. Scouting out any crazines...

• Hawaii is #8. Okay, that's crazy. But, to be honest, they really have everything that makes for an attractive preseason team. They have arguably the most battle-tested quarterback in the league, a lot of "completly irrelevant velocity from last year's performance", and that all-important bowl win last year, which somehow is a huge factor for preseason polling. I'm keeping them there... for now.
  
  
• Auburn gets a boost. Eh. That might mean there's something wrong with me. They were #1 in my preseason poll last year.



• No Love for Florida. Come on, coaches poll. #3? I mean, look at this. That's a full half page of lost lettermen. Sure, sure, they've got great depth and recruiting and momentum, but I'll believe it when I see it. I'm holding 15 points in escrow until Urban can show he can pull another rabbit out of his hat.



• Duke is #25. As always, so Steve Spurrier doesn't feel alone. As you can see, he did it again this year.

Full documentation of my painstaking process below:


Science, motherfuckers!

Mayhem at the Weis Trial

Things have gone a little bit crazy over at the Charlie Weis malpractice trial. After two weeks of testimony, the case was going to be sent to the jury tomorrow for deliberations, but a sudden freak accident has caused the case to be declared a mistrial. A juror collapsed during testimony, and the defendants as well as a few other doctors in the court rushed to his aid. After the juror was carted off, the judge determined there was no way that the incident would keep the jury objective in their deliberations, and declared a mistrial.

Sadly, there are no photographs of the incident, since the courtroom is closed off to the media. However, The House Rock Built thought ahead and sent a courtroom illustrator to the hearing to capture the important moments of this huge case. We just got this scanned copy of his drawing e-mailed over, so we have the breaking scoop on what happened, through the eyes of a first-hand observer. Check it out:

The only way Weis could have a "jury of his peers" was to have a pirate, a viking, and an eskimo on the jury.

We'll keep you posted as the news develops. I think our sketch artist made a few more drawings that should be reaching us later today.

Notre Dame Shuts Down in Wake of Violent Anti-Little Backlash

Update: The House Rock Built's huge official breakdown of the Class of 2007 will be pushed back a day in light of this breaking news out of South Bend. My apologies, but larger world events have made it necessary to cover this story in lieu of my other responsibilities. Check back tomorrow for the incoming freshman bonanza.

SOUTH BEND - While Notre Dame fans enjoy a notorious reputation for taking college football far too seriously, this previously lovable quirk has taken a turn for the tragic and depraved when law enforcement at the University of Notre Dame instituted Martial Law on campus.

This declaration came on the heels of two verbal commitments to the football team, Chris Little from Georgia and Greg Little from North Carolina, suddenly withdrawing their commitment on national signing day and signing on to their in-state universities. Immediate reaction to the news was swift and irrational, as thousands of violently anti-Little students and fans alike descended upon the campus to wreak their vengeance on anybody whose last name is "Little". After a tense four-hour standoff when the angry mob cornered the seven current Notre Dame students whose last name is Little, or some derivation thereof, law enforcement was able to safely transport these Littles to a secure internment facility.

"In the wake of this deplorable violent outrage against Littles, it is imperative that no unnecessary violence is wrought on any innocent parties who just so happen to be 'Little' by descent," stated University President Rev. John Jenkins, CSC in a somber afternoon press conference. "It is with this in mind that we have sent down an order to transport all 'Littles' in the vicinity to a safe facility in order to protect them. This is the hardest order I have ever had to give as president."

Campus Security then detailed the razor-wire fences and 24-hour security detail that will be protecting this temporary residence for Littles.

"It's frightening, really, that everything has descended into pre-civilization so rapidly," said Jenette Little, a sophomore from Welsh Hall. "The Littles came to America seeking the American dream, just like everyone else. I just don't see why the action of a few bad Littles can cause such an uproar over the Littles as a people. It's unfair that I'm being judged by the most radical fringe of my people."

Other detainees were more flippant about their mandatory displacement.

"It's just such fucking bullshit," bemoaned acclaimed film and television actor Michael J. Fox. "Five priests just kicked down my door in the middle of the night and tossed me into a burlap sack. My last name isn't even 'Little', I just happened to provide the voice over for the animated character 'Stuart Little' in two very successful films. This knee-jerk reactionism is appalling and disgusting."

Fox also happens to be a rather little 5' 4 1/2".

Also caught up in the fray are legendary impersonation artist Rich Little, Playboy Playmate Angela Little, and diminutive freshman wide receiver/kick returner George West, who, at 5'8", is the littlest person on the team, and thus also in need of protection for his own safety.

Urban Meyer Gets Verbal Commitments from Five Notre Dame Fans' Wives

Always known as a sharp tactician and fierce disciplinarian, BCS champion coach Urban Meyer has made huge waves this week on the recruiting trail, reloading his already-talented roster at the University of Florida with a dynamic group of new players that will ensure the long-term success of the program. Mere hours after converting Notre Dame recruit Justin Trattou to Florida, five young brides from across the country gathered in Gainesville today to hold a press conference announcing their intentions to join Urban Meyer for the upcoming season.

The five women, who range in age from 24 to 46 and are all acknowledged as elite targets, all withdrew previous marriage commitments to their Notre Dame fan husbands after being persuaded by in-home visits by Meyer himself.

"It's a devastating break, really, I'm just in shock right now," said one of the husbands, lifelong Notre Dame fan and alumnus Mitchell Fellington, a market analyst from Chicago. "I mean, it just started out with some innocent text messaging... you know, 'How's the weather in Chicago?', 'Hey, did u see that BCS chsp game, LOL?'. I never really thought much of it at the time."

Fellington wasn't the only husband who was overwhelmed by Meyer's unusually cunning recruiting prowess. Anthony Engleman, an IT consultant from suburban Dallas who holds an undergraduate and MBA degree from Notre Dame, was also taken aback by the swiftness with which Meyer worked.

"I really thought I had a solid verbal commitment from Alexandra," he mused, reflecting on his wife of three years. "We were just getting settled in our new house, and we had even began talking about starting a family, you know? That's why I wasn't concerned when I heard she was taking an official visit to Gainesville two weeks ago. What's the harm? She probably just wanted to get a free vacation and take in the sights and sounds in one of Florida's ten most dynamic cities."

But things got quite a bit more serious after that.

"I guess I really started to get a sick feeling in my stomach when was at work and read online that the University of Florida jet had just touched down at the small airfield about a five minute drive from my house. Deep down, I was trying to convince myself that Meyer was just visiting the local high school to scout some juniors. I guess that's what you call denial."

Alexandra Hughley-Engleman was very forthcoming in her press conference about what ultimately led her to make the shocking decommitment.

"It wasn't an easy decision to make. I knew that if I stayed with Anthony, I'd have a guaranteed spot at the top of the depth chart, and there's certainly going to be more competition with Urban, what with him already having a wife and with the four other highly-touted wives he's bringing in this year. But, personally, I have no fear of competition. I'm very confident in my abilities as a wife and think that the competition will only push me to get better, even if it means sitting out for a year and just learning from the other wives."

Some of the other wives had other reasons behind their change of heart.

"There's no doubt, weather played a big factor," remarked Kristen Welsh-Fellington, "I mean, when I took my official visit, my plane was delayed two hours because a huge snowstorm practically shut down O'Hare Airport. Within hours of landing in Gainesville, I was in cut-offs and flip-flops. I was just getting sick and tired of being pasty to the point of translucence during the winter. I think Florida gives me a great opportunity to develop a healthy bronze. I mean, just look at [current Urban Meyer wife] Shelley, and that's after less than two years in the Florida sun. The results really speak for themselves."

Molly Fitzpatrick, a former Notre Dame wife from Somerset, NJ, mentioned two big issues that triggered her defection to the Gators.

"Being close to family is a huge priority for me. I talked it over with my mother, who just moved into a retirement home in Ocala, and really that's what both of us want. The trip from New Jersey was just becoming too much."

Fitzpatrick also cited football-related reasons for the switch.

"I mean, [former husband] Doug's doing well with his job here in Somerset, but because of his obligations and the sheer distance to South Bend, we have to save up all our vacation time to go to one, maybe two Notre Dame games a year and sit in the nosebleed section. While that's tempting, that's not really where I see myself. I've always been a season-ticket, hanging-out-in-the-owner's-box kind of girl, and that's what I prefer. At the end of the day, that makes a big difference."

When contacted by phone, Urban Meyer was candid about the ethical ramifications of his unabashed poaching Notre Dame fans' wives.

"Hey, a verbal commitment before God in a place of worship isn't the last word. I always maintain the lines of communication after a marriage because a lot can change in a year. When you're trying to build the greatest stable of wives in the country, you can't spend time worrying about what has been said in the past, you just have to roll up your sleeves and get down to work."

When asked if this year's class of wives was complete or if he had his eye on any other targets, Meyer dismissed the question, citing NCAA regulations prohibiting him from mentioning any recruit by name before signing day. He did, however, end the conversation with a knowing chuckle, suggesting his work this year is far from done.

All Hail Western Speed!

Anyone who caught the East-West Shrine Bowl last weekend not only got to spend four more torturous hours of your life with Bob Davie (isn't this supposed to be the offseason? Do we got no reprieve?), but you also got to personally witness the complete exposure of flat-footed Easterners when matched up against Western Speed. The West rolled to a dominating 21-3 win.

If this doesn't prove that the Mississippi River cleanly divides America into a slow, lethargic, and overweight Eastern Half and a supercharged hemicontinent of lightning quick genetic freak athletes in the West, then I'm afraid no amount of specious question-begging sportswriter quasi-argument will ever convince you.

Special Guest Blogger: Nick Saban

I'm taking the afternoon off to get my car out of the impound lot... long story, but my consiglieri advised me it's okay for me to reiterate that all of those spider monkeys in the crates were fully licensed and part of a completely legitimate business arrangement. Anyway, Nick Saban volunteered to guest blog today to keep you savages entertained this lovely Friday morning. Enjoy. -fightinamish

Man Alive, Life is Busy This Time of Year!

Greetings, gentle readers, it's Nick Saban, but you can go ahead and call me Nick, or Nickles, or the Sabe-meister, as all of those are loving sobriquets my dearest of dear friends often use when referring to me in the vocative form. Whatever makes you most comfortable, quite frankly. Fightinamish told me to give you cats a scoop on the life of the Sabe-meister, and I'll be damned if I'm going to hang up the whole mutual enjoyment of it all on formalities surrounding appellations, you hear?

Look at me, I'm getting carried away. You guys really need to let me know if I start carrying on like that, otherwise I'm liable to spend this entire chat session boring you to death with my niceties and the like. So you want to hear about the life of Big Nickles, do you? Well, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it's a billowing bag of crazy, particularly this time of year, what with my big fancy job change and my new digs coaching at the great University of Alabama, God love 'em. How about I give you a whiff of it by giving you a sneak peek at my dayplanner? It's a rare treat, as the Nickster keeps this baby under lock and key most of the year. So have a gander, will you?



As you can see, there's not a single moment that I have to myself as I busy myself with preparations for the next season. Hell, there's hardly even any room for my signature doodles that help me unwind. See, I'm heading out on a big ole recruiting trip next week and hitting up every high school, chatting with the young men, sizing up some talent, and, of course, enjoying me some lovely home cooking from the charming and fascinating mothers of these young men who will be the future of Alabama football.

Let's see here... the 19th is an interview with the Arizona Cardinals, then it's back onto the duties of the head coaching job at the University of Alabama, which, I might add, is the finest head coaching job in college or professionall football, as I tour around some of the great alumni and booster clubs, shaking hands, talking football, and speaking to all these great supporters of the team about the long and prosperous future of the program under Nick Saban. It's going to be a gas, and it will be a great opportunity to show off my devotion to this University of Alabama football coaching legacy that I am just tickled to be the benefactor of. See, there's been some talk that I'm disloyal, which suffice to say is insulting and damaging to my character. I'm looking forward to talking to these folks face to face so I can put to bed once and for all these outlandish rumors and show them how genuine I am.

A quick jaunt over to Tulsa for some more recruiting and a quick sitdown with the University of Tulsa folks, then I'm off to Costa Rica for some R&R. You know, a chance to cool my jets a little bit and clear my mind. I always find it's easier to design the future of a football team in those peaceful and serene surroundings. Plus, my old friend Wayne Huizenga will be stopping by, so we can chat for a few hours about the recently-vacant head coaching gig for the Miami Dolphins, you know, spitball some ideas back and forth. I don't want to send the wrong impression, no sir, I am Alabama for life. However, I'd be doing myself a disservice (and being rude to my dear friend Wayne Huizenga at the same time) if I refused to sit down for an hour or two and get a good sense of what's out there.

But don't get the wrong impression, it's not all fun & games. No sir, once I'm done with my mini-vacation, it's right back to work for the University of Alabama. I'll be moving into my big new office and getting myself nice and comfortable for a real long career coaching at the finest University in the land. I'm shipping my vintage mahogany desk in (I found it in an antique store in Baton Rogue several years ago... it was hand-crafted by Dutch merchants back in the 16th century... a real one-of-a-kind), interviewing for the Oakland Raiders job, getting my voicemail set up, introducing myself to the support staff, familiarizing myself with campus, sending out a few more resumes, touring the practice facilities, and, at the end of the day, settling down at my trusty phone to keep in contact with all the recruits, both from this class and the class of 2008. Whew! No sleep for the wicked, am I right?

After that, it's basically just day-in and day-out stuff... you know, the not-so-glamorous hard work of the coaching job that you probably didn't even know existed. Some fellas over at Viacom will be stopping by to chat with the Sabermeister about their CEO job, which I guess just opened up. Keep in mind, ole coach Nick is Bama for life, but it's always good to check out other markets and at least get an idea of what else is going on in the world, am I right? Coach Nick is probably going to have to do some research about this "Viacom", at least enough to sound like I know what I'm talking about during the interv-... well, let's just call it a friendly meeting.

Well, my my, look at me. I did it again, rambling on and boring you to death. Didn't I tell you to stop me if I started to do that again? Well, no bother. I should probably get moving along, anyway. I'd better get back to my job... I'm going to have to be on top of everything if I'm going to keep this job for the rest of my life. These folks at Bama sure have high expectations, but I promise you I will spend every last waking hour of my life working round the clock to make sure those big dreams come true. Catch you on the flipside, readers. And thanks for letting me jaw with the readers, fightinamish. Hopefully I didn't do such a good job that your readers will be demanding that I write full-time. But, hey, you know who to call if they do.

Anyone Heard this Album?

I just got a new CD this weekend. I'm still trying to figure out how to take it out of the packaging (damn you, sausage fingers!), so I haven't listened to it yet. I've got high hopes. Anybody else heard it? Opinions?

Reggie Ball Participates in Dr. Pepper Challenge: Ends Up Owing Money

Typically, the Dr. Pepper Challenge that takes place during the conference championship involves picking some gomer out of the crowd to come up and huck footballs at an oversized Dr. Pepper can for a chance to win a million dollars. This year they flipped the script a little bit, pulling Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball out of the locker room to compete for the big bucks. For those of you who haven't seen it before, here's a quick recap of the rules.

You see, you start off with ten throws from five yards out, with each one being worth $10,000. After that, you take one more throw from 25 yards. If you make it, it multiplies your payout by 10.

In an unprecedented run of futility, Reggie Ball concluded the challenge with a negative balance.

"This is undoubtedly the first time I've ever seen anything like this before," said Dr. Pepper Challenge commissioner Jim Trebilcock. "Not only did he miss every pass, but after you factor in the property damage he caused to the oversized can and camera equipment, the personal injury settlement for the photographer next to the target, and the dramatic drop in sales for Dr. Pepper products as a result of this on-air humiliation, you can rest assured that Reggie Ball will be receiving a hefty bill from Cadbury Schweppes Corporation."

Photographer Mick Henderson (right) is listed as being in stable yet critical condition

Ducks Unveil New Uniform for Vegas Bowl

If you can't beat 'em on the field, then beat 'em with your fashion sense, that's what Phil Knight always says. After an up and down year for the Oregon Ducks, one certainly has to worry about the team's morale heading into their showdown in Las Vegas in bowl season. Well, fear not Ducks fans. What better motivational tool is there than busting out snazzy new jerseys? Check out these Nike-designed getups that will dazzle the spectators in Sin City this December:

Back From Compton

Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen. I spent today in a medically-induced coma attempting to reset my internal clock after time zone changes, turkey naps, brown liquor benders, and football-induced post-traumatic stress. As your loyal Notre Dame blogger and witness-slash-active participant in this weekend's football game, I certainly do owe the readers my take on the game, the season, and the general standing of the team today. Alas, that's going to wait a couple days as my perspective begins to heal with further removal from the game in LA. Also, I have to call Enterprise and explain to them why I torched their rental car. Thank god for the damage waiver insurance.

For my instant analysis, you can scoot over to the fanhouse, where I pitch in my two cents and link up some more verbage on the game. If you're desperate for a soundbite, then how about this: USC is really, really, spooky good. When Pete Carroll can get his hands on gobs of defensive talent, he can do some frightening things that make you want to cry. This Irish 2006 squad is a big-hearted group, but ultimately you can't ignore that it's a patchwork job in terms of overall talent and depth on both sides of the ball. There's enough good coaching to make these deficiencies a non-issue against more middling barely-bowl-eligible opponents, but when it's time to dance with the big boys, it's a lot harder to hide what's flapping in the breeze.

Anyway, like I said, there's going to be some detailed analysis coming later this week, but also some fun stuff too. Alas, it's silly season, so we can step aside from our heated weekly battles and pay attention to the funny stuff that really makes college football great. Like, for example, comparing the hotness of the wives of recently-fired coaches. Sneak preview: John Bunting's better half, Dawn, wins some killer points for her ability to pound down beers like a filthy truck stop call girl.

She might not win in a beauty pagent, but she sure as shit could brain Shari Shula with an empty Bud bottle.

Stay Safe in Columbus, Everyone

You miss Fido? Trust an expert with a world-class education to make him a piece of furniture.

Supposedly, there's a Game of the Century of some sorts in Ohio this weekend. Personally, I don't understand why there's so much hoopla around a battle for dead last in the AFC Central, but hey... go Browns. Anyway, if that's not your cup of tea, you can always check out the Michigan-Ohio State game. However, you have to be careful. Apparently, it's not too safe in Columbus, at least according to this e-mail I got from the Michigan alumni association.

Amazing, you take a few correspondence classes on taxidermy and, voila!, Michigan diploma and a lifetime of pestering e-mails. This one, however, was a bit more informative than the standard "Tractor Pull Networking Event" and "Elk Chili Cook-Off" e-mails I get, as it showed deep concern for my personal safety. I'm sure you've probably read part one as it has circulated the internet, but the second half of the e-mail really included the juicy details.

So here you go... reprinted for your enjoyment, the Michigan Alumni Association's pre-game warning for visiting fans (part deux):

Dear Respected Alumnus:

We are sure that you are excited about this Saturday's football game versus Ohio State, and the possibility of capturing the Big Ten conference title and playing for the national championship.

We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few more suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:

• Don't venture too deep into the backwoods of Columbus. While the immediate area around Ohio Stadium offers a stunning array of pregame fun for the whole family, the safety dramatically decreases as you extend past a certain radius from the stadium. Please consult this attached map with the family fun zones clearly labeled:

• Don't Wear Clothing that Clearly Indicates You are from Michigan. While it's fine to support your team by wearing their colors, it is advisable to wear them underneath a protective layer of Columubus camouflage until you are safely within the stadium. Some outerwear suggestions:

	Denim Cutoff Shirt. We will have extras at the tailgater that we will loan out for free with a student ID.
	Tuxedo T-Shirt. Perfect for those fancier occasions, you'll have no problem slipping under the radar with one of these babies.
	Nuts. Nuts, and lots of them. Don't ask why, just make sure you've got a healthy set of nuts on your abdomen if you value your life at all.

Remember, wearing your auto mechanic jumpsuit, your faded XXL Grand Funk Railroad World Tour 1972 t-shirt, or anything soaked in deer piss will be a certain way to draw unwanted attention and violence from moonshine-filled Columbians.

If Verbally Harassed by Opposing Fans, Be Sure to Represent the University of Michigan Well. Remember, you went to a internationally-renowned top-tier university right up there if not a league above the Ivy League. Ergo, it's unbecoming to fire back with a pedestrian "Fuck Ohio State", as this is what mouth-breathing heathens from land-grant four-year babysitting facilities do. Turn it into an opportunity to retort with a calm yet stern reminding of your family's wealth, the unrelatedness of your birth parents, and perhaps a sinewy and artfully-constructed bit of witticism that makes references to Kafka, Voltaire, or whichever post-Enlightenment scholar you wrote your thesis on. Remember, whatever happens on the field, the hallmark of your Michigan education is a lifetime of unspoken-yet-very-important-to-reiterate-as-much-as-possible superiority in all things aesthetic.

Go right for the jugular, my good friend! And do it with as much aplomb as possible.

We look forward to a tremendous game on Saturday. Let's help the Wolverines win with spirit and class.

Go Blue!

Sue Eklund, Associate Vice President and Dean of Students
Steve Grafton, President, Alumni Association
Nicole Stallings, MSA President