Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Notre Dame Shuts Down in Wake of Violent Anti-Little Backlash

Update: The House Rock Built's huge official breakdown of the Class of 2007 will be pushed back a day in light of this breaking news out of South Bend. My apologies, but larger world events have made it necessary to cover this story in lieu of my other responsibilities. Check back tomorrow for the incoming freshman bonanza.

SOUTH BEND - While Notre Dame fans enjoy a notorious reputation for taking college football far too seriously, this previously lovable quirk has taken a turn for the tragic and depraved when law enforcement at the University of Notre Dame instituted Martial Law on campus.

This declaration came on the heels of two verbal commitments to the football team, Chris Little from Georgia and Greg Little from North Carolina, suddenly withdrawing their commitment on national signing day and signing on to their in-state universities. Immediate reaction to the news was swift and irrational, as thousands of violently anti-Little students and fans alike descended upon the campus to wreak their vengeance on anybody whose last name is "Little". After a tense four-hour standoff when the angry mob cornered the seven current Notre Dame students whose last name is Little, or some derivation thereof, law enforcement was able to safely transport these Littles to a secure internment facility.

"In the wake of this deplorable violent outrage against Littles, it is imperative that no unnecessary violence is wrought on any innocent parties who just so happen to be 'Little' by descent," stated University President Rev. John Jenkins, CSC in a somber afternoon press conference. "It is with this in mind that we have sent down an order to transport all 'Littles' in the vicinity to a safe facility in order to protect them. This is the hardest order I have ever had to give as president."

Campus Security then detailed the razor-wire fences and 24-hour security detail that will be protecting this temporary residence for Littles.

"It's frightening, really, that everything has descended into pre-civilization so rapidly," said Jenette Little, a sophomore from Welsh Hall. "The Littles came to America seeking the American dream, just like everyone else. I just don't see why the action of a few bad Littles can cause such an uproar over the Littles as a people. It's unfair that I'm being judged by the most radical fringe of my people."

Other detainees were more flippant about their mandatory displacement.

"It's just such fucking bullshit," bemoaned acclaimed film and television actor Michael J. Fox. "Five priests just kicked down my door in the middle of the night and tossed me into a burlap sack. My last name isn't even 'Little', I just happened to provide the voice over for the animated character 'Stuart Little' in two very successful films. This knee-jerk reactionism is appalling and disgusting."

Fox also happens to be a rather little 5' 4 1/2".

Also caught up in the fray are legendary impersonation artist Rich Little, Playboy Playmate Angela Little, and diminutive freshman wide receiver/kick returner George West, who, at 5'8", is the littlest person on the team, and thus also in need of protection for his own safety.

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At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Ryan said...

Quite possibly the single funniest ND blog post I've ever read.

At 1:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very misleading and irresponsible.

At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha -- i hate to be the one to break it to you anonymous person, but if you are actually mislead by this comically ridiculous blogpost . . . well then, you're just really, really stupid

At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but i dont mean to offend you if you're last name is little -- for the record, i have nothing against most people named Little . . . just these two motherfuckers

At 2:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Response / follow-up: This story (blog) is already being linked by other sites (and I presumed it would be reputable). I read the entire story and realized it was intended as humor.

However, others who just read or skim the first couple or few paragraphs (written in a more serious style), and see only the first two pictures in their browser window, may be very misled. That is even more likely in today's world where reading about poor behavior and strong passions is not unusual.

This story initially appears to paint a picture of deplorable behavior at Notre Dame, reflecting very poorly on the university and its students. Those who do not look closely enough to realize that it is a farce are given the wrong impression. That does a disservice to Notre Dame, her family, and the larger community.

At 3:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

by "looking closely" do you mean seeing the giant stewart little picture 2/3 the way down the post?

At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All these Littles deserve what they got.

At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Samari said...

so they're throwing Little people into protection camps... does that count as midget tossing?

At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Sean F said...

This is the best post ever.

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous mike said...

If you can't instantly realize that this story is facetious then you'll probably be thrown into the little people internment camp anyway.

At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't want no short people 'round here

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous. Get a grip FFS.

At 4:26 PM, Blogger gwzimm said...

Great post, you have outdone yourself!!!

At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

reminds me of the time that the rector of stanford had to hide that kid in his office, the one that pretty much cost us an important big east basketball game by throwing shit on the court. syracuse maybe. back when our football coach sucked and we were a basketball school. thank god the priests offer asylum when sports makes us crazy.


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