BREAKING NEWS: Joe Tiller Falls Asleep at Table Trying to Read Morning Paper Again

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN -- Sources have confirmed that at approximately 7:28 AM this morning, retiring Purdue football coach Joe Tiller collapsed at his breakfast table in West Lafayette, into what doctors are calling a "very brisk slumber". Tiller, 65, was reported to be in "good health and high spirits" only moments before the dreadful incident by his wife, Arnette, who observed him gingerly sipping a half a cup of decaffeinated coffee and leafing through the front section of the Lafayette Journal and Courier.

"He seemed perfectly fine to me," a frazzled Arnette remarked to reporters on the scene. "I went into the living room to answer the phone, and five minutes later, I came back and found him... like this."

Paramedics on the scene conducted a thorough examination on Tiller. His face was still pressed firmly against page three of the newspaper and his hand was still gripping the half-full mug of decaffeinated coffee. After observing the warm, expanding puddle of drool pooling over the advertisements in the right column of the Journal and Courier and his gentle, steady stream of snoring punctuated by occasional snorts and loud, wet lip-smacks, they diagnosed him as "asleep" and determined his condition to be "stable".

When asked if this scare would jeopardize the rest of the season, the doctor on scene was optimistic. "You'd be surprised how often I see this condition, particularly in people Joe [Tiller]'s age. About ninety percent of the time, the whole thing blows over within thirty minutes. After emerging from the condition, the recovery is very rapid, and he should be back to full speed within hours. The prognosis is very positive."

This hasn't been the first such health scare for Tiller. In fact, just yesterday, he collapsed in a strikingly similar incident, again at his breakfast table, and again fewer than five pages into that morning's Journal and Courier. Tiller was roused from his condition after only fifteen minutes, and reported that he was having a "lovely dream about reading the newspaper and then taking a nap."

Rogue Bigfoot Hunters Trap and Kill Leprechaun in Northern Indiana

SOUTH BEND - Hot off the heels of their recent capture of Bigfoot in northern Georgia, soldiers of fortune-cum-cryptozoologists Rick Dyer and Matt Whitton made good on their promise to hunt down and bring to justice a veritable who's who of mythical creatures ranging from Sasquatch to the Loch Ness Monster by bagging one of the world's most elusive and intriguing cryptoids, the leprechaun.

In a dramatic outdoor press conference outside of South Bend, IN, the infamous duo posed with their latest prey, stuffed quite ingloriously into a ramshackle freezer. The specimen, a diminutive, five-foot, five-inch bearded hominid with puffy red cheeks and a snappy green suit and cap, appeared quite convincing to the amateur and professional leprechaun enthusiasts in the crowd, although more skeptical cryptozoologists are awaiting further scientific testing on the remains before jumping to any conclusions.

"After thoroughly researching the mythology of the leprechaun and interviewing scores of eyewitnesses, we were able to sketch out a ten-mile range that we suspected comprised the leprechaun's habitat," Whitton remarked, clicking briskly through a PowerPoint presentation for the media on hand. "We noticed an abnormally large of sightings focused around the South Bend and Mishawaka area in Indiana, clustered mainly around an old, ivy-covered region nestled between two lakes that the locals call 'Notra Dayme'. The village folk warned us that it was a mysterious place full of strange religious intrigue full of great peril, but we persevered on into the uncharted areas and saw our stakeout through."

Whitton described spotting the bizarre, tiny magical humanoid creature in the very early hours of Saturday morning staggering out of a local drinking establishment, and the brief but harrowing firefight that ensued. In the end, magic or no magic, the pixie was no match for Whitton and Dyer's arsenal of modified assault rifles and body armor.

Noted cryptozoologist Loren Coleman, editor of Cryptomundo.com, responded with cautious hope about the veracity of the find. "While most contemporary experts on leprechauns felt that their habitat was limited to the hilly Irish countryside or, as some offshoot schools of thought have suggested, Mobile, Alabama, it's easy to see a migratory pattern that would place it in that region of Indiana."

Preliminary DNA tests on some samples from the corpse have been inconclusive, but further analysis will continue.

When asked what's next for the intrepid hunters, Dyer hinted that they are hot on the trail of a very bizarre half-human, half-orange cryptoid that has haunted the wilderness of upstate New York for nearly half a century. "We're closing in on him fast," he remarked, then added with a sly wink, "Don't be surprised if we're calling another press conference reaaaal soon."

Shhh, Don't Tell Any Michigan Fans

Allright, readers, I'm entrusting you with a big secret here. I'm going to pull a very expensive prank tomorrow, but I want to let you guys in on it so it'll be that much more hilarious. See, I'm chartering a private jet, at my own expense, to fly from Willow Run Airport in Ypsilanti to Seattle. While this might seem like a waste of several thousand dollars to you, just imagine what a riot it will be when Go Blue Wolverine reports "Willingham to Michigan: Done Deal" and cites my FlightTracker map as proof.

Mum's the word, okay?

The University of Notre Dame is Transferring

Right on the heels of the transfers of Ronald Talley, Zach Frazer, Demetrius Jones, Konrad Reuland, and Chris Stewart, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish were dealt another serious blow when the University of Notre Dame itself announced its plans to transfer. While all of the others were third-string players unlikely to make an impact on the team this season, the loss of the University of Notre Dame and its 8,332 students, 780 faculty members, 26 varsity teams, $6.5 billion endowment, and 1,250 acre campus will have very serious consequences for the Irish's 2007 season, and quite possibly beyond.

"All in all, it was a pretty amicable departure," said University President Rev. John I. Jenkins. "It's been a really great 165 years, but I just think it was time to move on."

Needless to say, the University of Notre Dame is now one of the hottest recruits on the market, and coaches from coast to coast are clamoring to get the University to come for an official visit.

"No doubt about it, I'd love to have the University of Notre Dame come to DeKalb," said Northern Illinois coach Joe Novak. "I think the University's resumé speaks for itself. It's not every day you get a chance to recruit a seven-time Heisman winner, 79-time All-American with 11 national championship rings. I think having that kind of firepower would really help put NIU on the map and put us on the path for a MAC championship, if not multiple MAC championships."

The University has already picked up scholarship offers from Florida, LSU, Southern Cal, and Ohio State, to name a few. Due to NCAA regulations, the Unviersity would have to sit out for one year if it transferred now, but there appears to be a loophole that would allow it to get on the field a year earlier. If the University enrolled in a junior college before this month's deadline and earned an associate's degree this semester, it would be eligible to transfer in the spring semester of 2008 and play next season. A source close to the University says that this is the plan, and the University has narrowed it down to either neighboring Holy Cross College or to Pearl River Community College, which has a better space-age technologies program, which is the University's major.

Whichever team gets the services of the University will have a big catch. The University is a four-star recruit on Rivals.com and is currently ranked #96 in the Rivals 100, and is rated as the #2 Entire University for the class of 2008.

Not bad numbers, but a lot of those are wind-aided and hand-timed.

Without a doubt, this will be a big blow to the Fighting Irish in the short term. The University of Notre Dame will not make the trip to Purdue this weekend, and with the Irish already being 21.5 point underdogs, the situation has just become exponentially more hopeless. However, all is not lost for Irish fans. In an interview on ESPN radio, Tom Lemming spoke highly of the future of the Irish:

"Without a doubt, losing the University was a big blow to Charlie Weis and the Fighting Irish, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's going to be easy to replace what it brought to the team: the students, the athletes, the facilities, and, most importantly, that intangible leadership. However, if you look at this 2008 recruiting class that's lined up, it's clear to see that help is on the way. The Irish will struggle through these growing pains as they try to replace the University, but they'll be back with a vengeance in 2009, maybe even sooner."

"Hand", "Sticky Situation", "Gets Off Easy", and "Hookers". Make Your Own Headline

The good news for Darrell Hand? He gets to stay on the football team. The bad news? He still has to pay Frank.

Now there's a head-scratcher. In case you haven't heard already, DT Darrell Hand was officially handed down his punishment today for his, um dramatic re-enactment of "Pretty Woman". The punishment: he gets to stay in school and will miss three football games.

Those of you keeping score at home, that's one semester suspension from school and athletics for having a spliff in your car and 180 minutes of benchwarming for cruising for hookers. You figure that one out.

Anyway, I did my heavy-handed serious piece on the whole situation over at the Fanhouse, so you can go over the gory details and the potential fallout from this decision over there. Here at the HRB, it's all about fun and games and fart jokes, so I'll lay off anything too preachy at this venue. The bottom line, though, is that there are four possible explanations for what happened:

1.) The University magically decided to take a different approach to athlete suspensions and show more care and common sense than in the previous cases, which were brutal by even the strictest standards. They also decided to do this without telling anybody and the day before a football player got busted. Prognosis: Uh, not likely.

2.) Since soliciting a prostitute is not strictly addressed in the parameters of du Lac (the holy parchment for disciplinary action), whereas there is clear verbage on more commonplace malfeasances like smoking a doobie, Hand skated by on a technicality. Let's call it the Farmer Hoggett Exemption: if there's nothing in the holy parchment that specifically forbids it, then it's OK. Prognosis: Uh, also unlikely. I got busted for holding and booking bets on unsanctioned giraffe races on North Quad my sophomore year, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in du Lac expressly prohibiting that.

3.) The old "selling your soul for football glory" thing...

4.) There's more to this case than we know about, and a thorough review of the case and its circumstances showed that Hand's specific situation was much different than what the headlines will tell you. There is enough exonerating evidence to show no criminal misconduct (i.e., Darrell just told the hooker a dirty knock-knock joke instead of requesting sex for money). Cooler heads prevail and a slap on the wrist is issued.

Please, little baby Jesus, let it be number four. I've always felt that this needed to be done anyway, especially since ResLife (as you students and alumni can undoubtedly confirm) has always had a "shoot first, ask questions later" policy in terms of doling out discipline. If it took the time to hear out the merits of the case and take it for its individual circumstances, well, that would just be a big leap forward for the way student affairs are handled at the dome and a very good sign. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see what more information is released. If we don't hear anything by the time Hand is running around decleating offensive linemen, then popular opinion (and mine as well) will start swaying toward any combination of the other three alternatives.

Ugh. Enough of that. Time for fun and games. My ultra-scientific blogpoll ballot will be released later tonight. In the meantime, be a good Christian and put down the hashpipe and get yourself a streetwalker.

Yeah, You Can Clap if You Feel it. Irish Snag 3 Recruits.

First thing's first... off with those pants. It's motherfucking dancing time.

Now, let's meet our three lucky suitors who jumped onto the ND Choo Choo after a great Junior Weekend in South Bend that might have actually featured a ray or two of sunlight! Alas, the gods of weather smiled upon the 2008 recruiting class.

Braxston Cave, OL, Mishawaka, I N
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 290
	Anagramaticus Says: "Convex As Brat"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, an elephant, and a caveman.
The Lowdown: Braxston has spent his entire life within spitting distance of Notre Dame, and naturally the South Bend native has been a lifelong Irish fan. Hell, he was even named after Irish fullback Braxston Banks. After getting an offer from Notre Dame, Cave didn't hesitate in jumping on board, despite the courtships of Michigan and Florida. At 290, Cave has no shortage of bulk to make an impact on the offensive line, and it's pretty clear that Weis and his staff got plenty of opportunities to watch him play just down the road. Bonus YouTube Footage: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "Straight to You". Now that's a mullet to write home about.

John Goodman, WR, Fort Wayne, IN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 185
	Anagramaticus Says: "Jam Hog on Don"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a rug (that really ties the room together), and a Babe Ruth jersey.
The Lowdown: If something works, then stick with it. In this case, it's tall lanky white receivers from Northwest Indiana. Goodman hails from Ft. Wayne, a quick two hour jaunt across Indiana Amish country from Valparaiso, where Jeff Samardzija cut his teeth as a wide receiver. Goodman is also a lifelong Notre Dame fan, and didn't have to think twice when Notre Dame offered a scholarship, even though he had just received an offer from Lloyd Carr. Obviously, he's going to draw comparisons to the Shark right away, so hopefully he can live up to those big shoes to fill. My advice? Stop cutting your hair. Bonus YouTube Footage: John Goodman's best performance: The Big Lebowski. Slightly Edited Version (NSFW).

Sean Cwynar, DE, Woodstock, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 280
	Anagramaticus Says: "Bash in Trim"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a rhinocerous, and a Chicago Dog with the works.
The Lowdown: Nasty Irish defenders and last names with no vowels go together like chicken and waffles, so Cwynar's commitment is a big boon to the newfangled D in South Bend. Now if we could get some more D-linemen with last names like Szczercztyr or Hnignygnagnyn, we'll have one of the more fearsome lines in the country. Cwynar is a big dude, but his highlight video shows a guy who's curiously quick on his feet, which makes him a good candidate to play DE in the new 3-4 scheme. Cwynar's also no slouch in the classroom, as he currently has a 4.2 GPA (which I originally mistook for his 40 time, causing me to spew orange Gatorade all over my monitor). Another impressive thing about Cwynar's recruitment is how great of a job Corwin Brown has been doing in his brief tenure. Notre Dame has always been a tough contendor in Chicagoland, but Brown's connections to the area are already starting to turn the Windy City into a pipeline for talent. Bonus YouTube Footage: Everyone's favorite Welshman: Tom Jones.

Mayhem at the Weis Trial

Things have gone a little bit crazy over at the Charlie Weis malpractice trial. After two weeks of testimony, the case was going to be sent to the jury tomorrow for deliberations, but a sudden freak accident has caused the case to be declared a mistrial. A juror collapsed during testimony, and the defendants as well as a few other doctors in the court rushed to his aid. After the juror was carted off, the judge determined there was no way that the incident would keep the jury objective in their deliberations, and declared a mistrial.

Sadly, there are no photographs of the incident, since the courtroom is closed off to the media. However, The House Rock Built thought ahead and sent a courtroom illustrator to the hearing to capture the important moments of this huge case. We just got this scanned copy of his drawing e-mailed over, so we have the breaking scoop on what happened, through the eyes of a first-hand observer. Check it out:

The only way Weis could have a "jury of his peers" was to have a pirate, a viking, and an eskimo on the jury.

We'll keep you posted as the news develops. I think our sketch artist made a few more drawings that should be reaching us later today.

Notre Dame Gets Yet Another Golic

Notre Dame added its first commitment of the class of 2008, locking up the eponymous son of former Irish star and current radio personality Mike Golic. I always say you can never have enough Golics, just ask the producers of Saved By The Bell: The College Years

Bob Golic, the Knute Rockne of the modern mullet.

Notre Dame Shuts Down in Wake of Violent Anti-Little Backlash

Update: The House Rock Built's huge official breakdown of the Class of 2007 will be pushed back a day in light of this breaking news out of South Bend. My apologies, but larger world events have made it necessary to cover this story in lieu of my other responsibilities. Check back tomorrow for the incoming freshman bonanza.

SOUTH BEND - While Notre Dame fans enjoy a notorious reputation for taking college football far too seriously, this previously lovable quirk has taken a turn for the tragic and depraved when law enforcement at the University of Notre Dame instituted Martial Law on campus.

This declaration came on the heels of two verbal commitments to the football team, Chris Little from Georgia and Greg Little from North Carolina, suddenly withdrawing their commitment on national signing day and signing on to their in-state universities. Immediate reaction to the news was swift and irrational, as thousands of violently anti-Little students and fans alike descended upon the campus to wreak their vengeance on anybody whose last name is "Little". After a tense four-hour standoff when the angry mob cornered the seven current Notre Dame students whose last name is Little, or some derivation thereof, law enforcement was able to safely transport these Littles to a secure internment facility.

"In the wake of this deplorable violent outrage against Littles, it is imperative that no unnecessary violence is wrought on any innocent parties who just so happen to be 'Little' by descent," stated University President Rev. John Jenkins, CSC in a somber afternoon press conference. "It is with this in mind that we have sent down an order to transport all 'Littles' in the vicinity to a safe facility in order to protect them. This is the hardest order I have ever had to give as president."

Campus Security then detailed the razor-wire fences and 24-hour security detail that will be protecting this temporary residence for Littles.

"It's frightening, really, that everything has descended into pre-civilization so rapidly," said Jenette Little, a sophomore from Welsh Hall. "The Littles came to America seeking the American dream, just like everyone else. I just don't see why the action of a few bad Littles can cause such an uproar over the Littles as a people. It's unfair that I'm being judged by the most radical fringe of my people."

Other detainees were more flippant about their mandatory displacement.

"It's just such fucking bullshit," bemoaned acclaimed film and television actor Michael J. Fox. "Five priests just kicked down my door in the middle of the night and tossed me into a burlap sack. My last name isn't even 'Little', I just happened to provide the voice over for the animated character 'Stuart Little' in two very successful films. This knee-jerk reactionism is appalling and disgusting."

Fox also happens to be a rather little 5' 4 1/2".

Also caught up in the fray are legendary impersonation artist Rich Little, Playboy Playmate Angela Little, and diminutive freshman wide receiver/kick returner George West, who, at 5'8", is the littlest person on the team, and thus also in need of protection for his own safety.

Signing Day Update

Capping off a topsy-turvy recruiting season is one last shocking surprise, as two more recruits have jumped ship, apparently, faxing in letters of intent to other Universities. The Charlie Weis press conference is going on now which will make everything official-like, but it looks like WR Greg Little has flipped allegiances to North Carolina and OL Chris Little has changed his commitment to Georgia. The other 18 recruits have sent in letters of intent and are confirmed.

I'll spend the afternoon working on a tribute to the 2007 class, but first I need to get really drunk and break stuff.

All Hail Western Speed!

Anyone who caught the East-West Shrine Bowl last weekend not only got to spend four more torturous hours of your life with Bob Davie (isn't this supposed to be the offseason? Do we got no reprieve?), but you also got to personally witness the complete exposure of flat-footed Easterners when matched up against Western Speed. The West rolled to a dominating 21-3 win.

If this doesn't prove that the Mississippi River cleanly divides America into a slow, lethargic, and overweight Eastern Half and a supercharged hemicontinent of lightning quick genetic freak athletes in the West, then I'm afraid no amount of specious question-begging sportswriter quasi-argument will ever convince you.

Notre Dame vs. LSU, Sugar Bowl, January 3

Strap it on, Irish fans, we're off to the Big Easy to take on the home-state LSU Tigers. They're big, fast, brutal, and ranked #4 in the country. It's a huge game and the Irish will be a prohibitive underdog playing essentially a road game against the Bayou Bengals.

Listen up, Irish fans. The city of New Orleans desperately needs a big time event to help rebuild their fragile infrastructure, and suffice to say, they're not going to get big tourism dollars from the majority of LSU fans who live within driving distance of the Superdome. Therefore, the sole responsibility of rejuvinating the economy of New Orleans falls on Irish tourists. So get out there and funnel fresh money into the hotels, restaurants, liquor resale businesses, and the G-strings of the throngs of poor, hungry, destitute strippers of New Orelans. Do it for the children.

Oh, and a quick and dirty (and wholly unnecessary) defense of Notre Dame's BCS bid is up at the fanhouse. Not that there's much to talk about. The only other qualified at-large team was West Virginia, and you can bet that the Sugar Bowl Committee would be doing the city of New Orleans a huge disservice if they turned down the cash cow of Notre Dame and instead opted to have all of their already sparse supply of non-flooded couches torched.

   or    ?
Which will help the New Orleans rebuilding project more?

Reggie Ball Participates in Dr. Pepper Challenge: Ends Up Owing Money

Typically, the Dr. Pepper Challenge that takes place during the conference championship involves picking some gomer out of the crowd to come up and huck footballs at an oversized Dr. Pepper can for a chance to win a million dollars. This year they flipped the script a little bit, pulling Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball out of the locker room to compete for the big bucks. For those of you who haven't seen it before, here's a quick recap of the rules.

You see, you start off with ten throws from five yards out, with each one being worth $10,000. After that, you take one more throw from 25 yards. If you make it, it multiplies your payout by 10.

In an unprecedented run of futility, Reggie Ball concluded the challenge with a negative balance.

"This is undoubtedly the first time I've ever seen anything like this before," said Dr. Pepper Challenge commissioner Jim Trebilcock. "Not only did he miss every pass, but after you factor in the property damage he caused to the oversized can and camera equipment, the personal injury settlement for the photographer next to the target, and the dramatic drop in sales for Dr. Pepper products as a result of this on-air humiliation, you can rest assured that Reggie Ball will be receiving a hefty bill from Cadbury Schweppes Corporation."

Photographer Mick Henderson (right) is listed as being in stable yet critical condition

Greg Little Decides: Definitely Maybe Notre Dame

Sort of a strange turn of events in the recruiting world today, as blue-chip linebacker/receiver Greg Little called a press conference today to announce... he hasn't decided where to go to school yet. My quick and dirty analysis is that he wants to push back his decision to the Army All-American game, which he may be receiving an invitation to soon.

There was plenty of message board hulaballoo and panicing, but I'm not really going to pay much lip service to this non-event. The Irish are still looking pretty good, as they made the final two up against the hometown Tar Heels. With any luck, the horrifying pasting we put on Carolina on November 4 should do well to cement this commitment.

Now get back to work and quit reading about high school kids!

Drifter Swipes Auburn's Laptop With Gameplan

In one of those amazingly ridiculous stories that makes college football so great (and blogging about college football so damn easy), it looks like there's some shennanigans going on in Auburn. According to the athletic department, a drifter made off with the computer containing Auburn's gameplan in a daring daylight heist.

Okay, first... what? Who lets a vagrant run around the athletic offices, swiping expensive computer equipment? What kind of halfway house are they running over there?

Secondly, and most humorously, Tuberville claims in the article that the computer is worth 15 thousand dollars... American! Now I own a pretty fancy computer what with my blogging addiction and all, and my rig doesn't even sniff fifteen grand. I mean, am I supposed to believe that Auburn's gameplan is compiled on a 8,000-pound liquid-cooled Cray T3E-1200E Supercomputer (buy it now on ebay for $13,500)? Isn't it a little bit of overkill to have a 134-gigaflop system devoted to designing gameplans such as:

10: Hand football to ridiculously talented running back.
20: Repeat 10

Greetings, Tommy. Shall we play a game?

For the love of Betsy, you've got to be kidding me. It sounds like Tuberville is putting himself in the running for the Nick Mangold Award for excellence in post-robbery insurance fraud. I mean, look at the guy. Does he look like the kind of guy who spends hours in a sweltering server room solving complex differential equations on South Carolina's defensive line shifts, or like the kind of guy who calls his 14 year-old nephew to talk him through loading up Spider Solitaire?