Monday, October 31, 2005

And Now, a Moment of Zen

Hopefully this will help you prepare for this week's Tennessee game.

And the Pulitzer Prize Goes to...

You read it here first, "Nutt pulls Hogs' Johnson for 'Cocks ball-game, plays with Dick instead."

And look who's breathing down their necks on the depth chart

The lads at NDNation have their own bevy of lecherous interpretations of this headline, too. Can you top it?

EDIT: Well, at 2:50 PM EDT, ESPN called adult swim and kicked the kids out of the pool. The new headline is a lot less racy (un-teste-d? fraid not.) but, oh well. At least we have its screenshot here to cherish for eternity. Anyone want to buy a t-shirt with that picture silkscreened on it?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The World of Tomorrow... Today!

A tip of the cap to Father Jenkins and John Affleck-Graves for locking up our dear leader to a ten year deal (cause y'all know Leon can't cook without the dough). Not only does it give the program a new vote of confidence, but it puts that libelous punk Adam Schefter in his rightful place.

EDIT: Right, so our research committee just informed me that University of Michigan mouthpiece Adam Schefter is not actually the District Attorney from Law & Order. HRB apologizes for any confusion. Here is a page with the real scoop on this dirtbag.

Now, we have a very important question to face: What will the world be like in 2015? Have no fear, Irish fans, for the House Rock Built has consulted all of our time-travelling friends as well as the great oracles of our time to give you this handy-dandy guide to life in the year 2015.

January 19: The 100th Anniversary of George Claude patenting the neon discharge tube for advertising use.
February 17: Hoverboard is invented
March 1: George Jung, the legendary cartel boss depicted in the 2001 movie Blow, will be released from prison.
March 18: The Great Tribulation Period Begins. Satan wages war against Christians, two witnesses prophesize, the Antichrist is revealed (who in turn leads and promotes the New World Order), and several Christians are martyred.
March 20: Total Solar Eclipse.
October 1: 32nd Anniversary of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" reaching #1 in the American Billboard Hot 100.
October 21: Chicago Cubs win World Series, sweeping the Miami Gators.
October 21: Amateur time-traveller Marty McFly inadvertently interrupts the time-space continuum by purchasing a sports almanac from a Hill Valley, CA bookstore.
November 13: World War III culminates in devastating tactical nuclear strike on all of United States population centers. 3 billion people die from blasts from attacks, fallout, and retaliatory strikes.
November 14: In the wake of the devistation of WWIII, the Irish somberly defeat Pittsburgh at Heinz Field 17-3, wrapping up another undefeated season.
December 31: Copyright on Hitler's "Mein Kampf" expires.

Needless to say, 2015 will be a time of great uncertainty, what with the great Rapture, the Anti-Christ's war against Christianity, and the worldwide nuclear holocaust that eliminates nearly half of the world's population. However, one thing that will be certain is that Charlie Weis will be prowling the sidelines for the lads in blue and gold. I can hardly wait.

Friday, October 28, 2005

But I Don't Wanna Be a Pirate!

In addition to Frank Spaziani's righteous mustache, the American viewing public also witnessed the unveiling of Virginia Tech's painfully hideous uniforms. Nike appears to have taken to hurling empty bottles of bourbon at the concept of symmetry, and instead resorted to the superhero-ization of the college uniform. And don't laugh, Florida, because you're next on their hit list, along with the unfortunate souls at Miami (FL) and Southern Cal.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, the dual-colored arms are probably more suited for fighting crime or scaling buildings. But the biggest problem with it is that it's a NASCAR look. Please, HRB begs you, do not turn college football into NASCAR. We have our sanity to look out for.

So, football fans, there's not much left to do but enjoy these disastrous uniforms the same way you enjoy a bad episode of Trading Spaces, where the homeowners stare in horrified astonishment at their mutilated house. This, just like the sores you got after last year's Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, is only temporary. In time we will all forget about it.

In the meantime, HRB preseents this exclusive first look at Miami (FL)'s new Nike uniform, which they will proudly roll out at their next home game.

Six Degrees of Separation.

Charlie Weis


David Givens
New England Patriots, 2002-2004

Was Coached By

Urban Meyer
Notre Dame, 1998-2000

Coached Under

Sonny Lubick
Colorado State, 1993-1995


The Rock
University of Miami (FL), 1991

Was in "Doom" (2005) with

Rosamund Pike

Starred in "The Libertine" (2004) with

John Malkovich

Starred in "Queen's Logic" (1991) with

Kevin Bacon

Mustache of the Year

Brock Spack, your ass has been unseated.

There is a new kung-fu master in collegiate sports mustaches, and he goes by the name of Frank Spaziani. Presumably, you all saw him roving Boston College's sideline during tonight's nationally-televised pillowfight college football game.

Bless us, dear leader, for we are unworthy. Be merciful when judging our pitiful souls. The stache is dead, long live the stache!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The New Face of the BCS

In dramatic lore, they are known as Worthless Wastes of Computing Power. These are only aliases. Their real names are Anderson & Hester, Billingsley, Colley Matrix, Massey, Sagarin, and Wolfe.

The House Rock Built has been violently against robots (except, of course, for our dear leader) befouling such a prisitne tradition like college football. But if we have to live with a bunch of number-crunching junkers to determine the national champion, we should at least do it in style. The current set of computers is strictly limited in scope and hamstrung by a puzzling set of rules put forward by the brain surgeons at the BCS. I say bollocks to this. Let the computers unleash their planet-sized brains toward the task at hand. Kick out those old computers and replace them with these paramount figures in computing and we will have rankings so accurate they will completely elimate any of the joy and uncertainty of watching the games. That is, until they realize they don't need us and turn us into fuel.

Name: Johnny Five
Created By: Nova Robotics, by Newton Crosby and Benjamin Jahrvi
Ability to feel empathy
Vague understanding of life and death
Weapons, and lots of them
Might possibly have had a thing with Ally Sheedy, and we're cool with that

Name: Marvin the Paranoid Android
Created By: Sirius Cybernetics Corp
Brain the Size of a Planet
Understands the soul-rending emptiness of a college football fan
Has nothing better to do

Name: Bishop
Created By: Weyland-Yuntai Corporation
Alien-killing badass
Has really cool milky white blood, for what it's worth
Totally cool with sabotage and murder

Name: HAL 9000
Created By: HAL Laboratory, Urbana, IL.
Hellbent on world domination
Aspires to kill all humans
Petty, vindictive, and jealous

Name: Bender
Created By: Mom's Friendly Robot Co. Tijuana, Mexico
Bending Ability
Constant drunken stupor
Kleptomaniac who aspires to kill all humans
Graduate of Bending State University

Death to Humans

It's almost amusing watching the BCS writhe around in its death throes. Year after year, we participate in the great tradition of finding out how the newly-revamped BCS system will crash and burn and who the unfortunate victim of the debauch will be. While it really should have no effect on Notre Dame's season this year, it's still interesting to note that the Irish are yet another bemusing piece of roadkill from the runaway train that is the BCS's latest rankings.

As we all know, the good-hearted, God-fearing, only-slightly-corrupt individuals whose lives are devoted to this sport have determined Notre Dame's position in the pantheon of college football is between 9 and 10. However, the evil, sadistic computers that are hell-bent on world domination and enslaving humanity feel the Irish belong down in the muddle of bottom-feeders that unceremoniously round out the top 25.

Now HRB is not condemning all computers. It would be very hypocritical of us to do so considering Notre Dame is led by an evil robot genius. But the system of utilizing computers is fatally flawed. Here's HRB's take:

1. There is no necessity for computer rankings. Every year, the BCS hamstrings and tweaks the rules for computer rankings as a result of a disappointing result from the previous year. Why? Because the computers went haywire and threw a monkey wrench in the conventional wisdom that is wrought out in the human polls. It is clear that the BCS wants the computer rankings to be little more than a way to objectively validate what the polls dictate, so why even have them?

2. You cannot make a matrix more accurate by limiting its input. Hello. This should be obvious. This is like the AP telling its voters they can only watch one football game a week, otherwise they might draw upon too much information to come up with their rankings. Yet, somehow, the BCS mandate that Margin of Victory be removed from polls miraculously passes the straight-face test. The company line is that it discourages running up the score, but coaches still run up the score. If we're going to have the indignity of computer rankings, they should at the very least be accurate, or at least not have their accuracy actively reduced by the BCS committee. An accurate ranking system is an accurate ranking system, even if it's based its formula on the astrological signs of the players.

3. There is just no substitute for blind speculation. Look, ranking teams is an imperfect, almost purely subjective task. So let's quit this charade of pretending it's a science. Sure, the Colley Matrix can predict that 40 midgets would beat one lion in a fight based on the inverse square of their opponents' opponents records, but how much more credibility does a computer have when it comes to blind speculation? At least I can provide a litany of vague arguments about the favorable matchups and strategems that would give the edge to the lion.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

The Ole Quarter Mile

HRB would go ahead and give Brady Quinn a pride sticker for his gargantuan performance against the Cougars of BYU, but alas, we're violently against them. Instead, we're giving our equivalent: a bottle of scotch and a carton of Marlboro Reds. Great job, Brady, you've done Deano proud.

It might be hard to wrap your head around how dominating it is to rack up a quarter mile of passing yardage. To fully grasp the magnitude of this 467 yard outing, here's a little picture and table to peruse and mull over.

1Taipei 101, Taipei, Taiwan1470 feet
2Sears Tower, Chicago, IL1450 feet
3Brady Quinn, 10/22/20051401 feet
4Empire State Building, New York, NY1250 feet
5Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia1241 feet

And Brady did it without any spires or antennas.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Catholics vs. Mormons, Round 2


Eliza Dushku

Catherine Zeta-Jones
Advantage: Catholics

Fay Wray
Classical Hottie

Grace Kelly
Advantage: Catholics

Ken Jennings

Anthony Michael Hall
Advantage: Mormons

Jon Heder

Bill Murray
Advantage: Catholics

Donnie & Marie Osmond

Doublemint Twins Brittany & Cynthia Daniel
Advantage: Catholics

Brandon Flowers
from The Killers

Advantage: Mormons

Catholics vs. Mormons: an Athletic Retrospecticus


David Abbot "Ab" Jenkins
Auto Racing

Mario Andretti
Advantage: Catholics

Harmon Killebrew
Depth Chart: Dale Murphy, Wally Joyner

Babe Ruth
Depth Chart: Joe DiMaggio, Barry Bonds, Roger Maris, Roberto Clemente
Advantage: Catholics

Steve Young
Depth Chart: Ty Detmer

Joe Montana
Depth Chart: Dan Marino, Brett Favre, Johnny Unitas, BYU Legend Jim McMahon
Advantage: Catholics

Danny Ainge
Depth Chart: None

Bill Walton
Depth Chart: John Stockton, Vince Carter
Advantage: Catholics

Jack Dempsey

Rocky Marciano
Advantage: Push

Andy Reid
Depth Chart: None

Knute Rockne (convert)
Depth Chart: Vince Lombardi, Tony LaRussa, Mike Ditka, Joe Torre, Tommy Lasorda, Joe Paterno, Don Shula
Advantage: Catholics