Monday, November 20, 2006

If You Don't Hate Pete Carroll, There is Something Seriously, Seriously, Seriously Wrong With You

God, I hate Pete Carroll. I hate his smug, dopey face. I hate his leg-humping chihuahua enthusiasm, I hate the way he jumps up and down like a ten year old on a Mountain Dew bender during the games. But mostly, I just hate Pete Carroll. There's some sort of intangible mojo, some sort of je ne sais quoi about him that fires up a deep and primitive hatred and causes an ordinarly normal and peace-loving individual to became engorged with an overpowering urge to rip the heads off of small furry mammals and push helpless children and infirm, elderly people into a meat freezer while gorging myself on the blood of my enemies.

So keep in mind that I already felt that way before I saw... this. This... this... this... monstrosity. This brutal violation of all things good and merciful in the world. This soulless raping of the very conventions of decency in humanity. I got about halfway through it before I clawed my eyeballs out with quivvering and unquenchably violent fingernails. It's so, so, so awful, and it's such an embodiment of everything that is awful about Pete Carroll. If you watch this flash intro to his website in its entirity and still do not hate Pete Carroll, then you are a depraved husk of a human being who does not belong in society.

Just for reference:
  • This is Pete Carroll's personal website. This is not a website made by somebody who hates Pete Carroll and wants to make him look like an idiot, although it's very easy to confuse it as one.
  • That flash intro is the splashscreen on his site. Pete is under the assumption you will watch this... this... this... thing in its entirity before you move onto the content of his website.
  • I am embedding it in this post, and there's no control on it to keep it from autoplaying. This means that every time you load up the House Rock Built, you will be immediately greeted by this music and that shit-eating grin from now until gameday. Why am I doing this? To get the hate flowing. Don't immediately mute it. Spend a few seconds listening to it and feeling the hatred boil inside of you. That hate will give you strength. Feel it flow through your body.
  • Let's beat the Trojans this Saturday and wipe that galling grin off of the Poodle's face. As soon as humanly possible.

UPDATE: Okay, so it's not embedded anymore. That song is really annoying.

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