Thursday, November 16, 2006

Stay Safe in Columbus, Everyone

You miss Fido? Trust an expert with a world-class education to make him a piece of furniture.
Supposedly, there's a Game of the Century of some sorts in Ohio this weekend. Personally, I don't understand why there's so much hoopla around a battle for dead last in the AFC Central, but hey... go Browns. Anyway, if that's not your cup of tea, you can always check out the Michigan-Ohio State game. However, you have to be careful. Apparently, it's not too safe in Columbus, at least according to this e-mail I got from the Michigan alumni association.

Amazing, you take a few correspondence classes on taxidermy and, voila!, Michigan diploma and a lifetime of pestering e-mails. This one, however, was a bit more informative than the standard "Tractor Pull Networking Event" and "Elk Chili Cook-Off" e-mails I get, as it showed deep concern for my personal safety. I'm sure you've probably read part one as it has circulated the internet, but the second half of the e-mail really included the juicy details.

So here you go... reprinted for your enjoyment, the Michigan Alumni Association's pre-game warning for visiting fans (part deux):

Dear Respected Alumnus:

We are sure that you are excited about this Saturday's football game versus Ohio State, and the possibility of capturing the Big Ten conference title and playing for the national championship.

We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few more suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:

  • Don't venture too deep into the backwoods of Columbus. While the immediate area around Ohio Stadium offers a stunning array of pregame fun for the whole family, the safety dramatically decreases as you extend past a certain radius from the stadium. Please consult this attached map with the family fun zones clearly labeled:

  • Don't Wear Clothing that Clearly Indicates You are from Michigan. While it's fine to support your team by wearing their colors, it is advisable to wear them underneath a protective layer of Columubus camouflage until you are safely within the stadium. Some outerwear suggestions:

Denim Cutoff Shirt. We will have extras at the tailgater that we will loan out for free with a student ID.
Tuxedo T-Shirt. Perfect for those fancier occasions, you'll have no problem slipping under the radar with one of these babies.
Nuts. Nuts, and lots of them. Don't ask why, just make sure you've got a healthy set of nuts on your abdomen if you value your life at all.

Remember, wearing your auto mechanic jumpsuit, your faded XXL Grand Funk Railroad World Tour 1972 t-shirt, or anything soaked in deer piss will be a certain way to draw unwanted attention and violence from moonshine-filled Columbians.

  • If Verbally Harassed by Opposing Fans, Be Sure to Represent the University of Michigan Well. Remember, you went to a internationally-renowned top-tier university right up there if not a league above the Ivy League. Ergo, it's unbecoming to fire back with a pedestrian "Fuck Ohio State", as this is what mouth-breathing heathens from land-grant four-year babysitting facilities do. Turn it into an opportunity to retort with a calm yet stern reminding of your family's wealth, the unrelatedness of your birth parents, and perhaps a sinewy and artfully-constructed bit of witticism that makes references to Kafka, Voltaire, or whichever post-Enlightenment scholar you wrote your thesis on. Remember, whatever happens on the field, the hallmark of your Michigan education is a lifetime of unspoken-yet-very-important-to-reiterate-as-much-as-possible superiority in all things aesthetic.

  • Go right for the jugular, my good friend! And do it with as much aplomb as possible.

    We look forward to a tremendous game on Saturday. Let's help the Wolverines win with spirit and class.

    Go Blue!

    Sue Eklund, Associate Vice President and Dean of Students
    Steve Grafton, President, Alumni Association
    Nicole Stallings, MSA President

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