The Stinging Bite of the Newspaper Smackdown

Rick Neuheisel made some waves earlier this week by taking out a full-page ad laying the smackdown to cross-town rivals USC.

Needless to say, we here at the House Rock Built admire the chutzpah of throwing down the gauntlet, particularly in doing so in such an old-timey fashion. Seriously, newspapers? In an age of television and radio and, ahem, blogs and such, taking out a newspaper to send a message is recklessly old-school. By god, I don't even think Pete Carroll even reads the newspaper. It would be much more effective to send a message via, I dunno, facebook or Twitter or some shit.

Mission accomplished, thousands of dollars saved.

Not surprisingly, Neuheisel isn't the first coach to take to the press for local trash talk, although there has been a pretty big layoff between the last prominent newspaper ad, when the 1889 Rutgers football team dropped the gauntlet on intrastate rivals Princeton. Sadly, Rutgers dropped its next 13 meetings against Princeton, which goes to show the dangers of hubris.

Gooooo Food-Ball! The House Rock Built Hobo Tour 07 Hits Northwestern

Bask in its purpleness! Nobody in the stands could explain why there is a giant "Z" at midfield.

Week two is in the books, ladies, and the wheel of pain keeps on a-spinnin'. The House Rock Built took the show on the road this weekend and hoofed it up to Evanston (the mythical magical suburb that is completely inaccessible by any known highway) to take in the Northwestern - Nevada morning game. The only way to get there? Up, Left, Down, Left, dawg.

Difficuilty getting there aside, it was a solid road trip and a good way for me to get Bloo and the interns out of the Fire Mark May compound while Trev Alberts was in his dreaded and hyperdestructive "brown liquor mood". The sun was shining bright, the ladies were... um, nonthreatening, and the game was, in three words, purple, purple, and purpler. I know that, strictly speaking, Nevada-Reno sports "Cobalt Blue", but as you can see, it leans precariously on the indigo side of the visible light spectrum. Combined with the raging "Royal Purple" duds the Wildcats were sporting, the entire scene was horrifyingly nerve-racking for an acute porphyrophobic like myself who has spent years in counseling and countless dollars on prescription medication to control their condition. A lot of positive work was undone in one afternoon... homeboy fell off the wagon.


Fucking kill it!

The locals treated us to some entertainment, particularly this enthusiastic pep poster we spotted on the shuttle from the (free of charge, motherfuckers!) parking lot to Ryan Field. I'd like to introduce the world to "Go Food-Ball!", the newest House Rock Built Neologism that I'm really hoping catches on across the college football world. Say it loud, say it proud. Go Food-Ball.


The newest member of the HRB Neologism family. Eight pounds, six ounces of pure college football hilarity. Photo adeptly snapped by the Irish Outsider.

One final cosmetic note about the game is the incredibly similarity in the logos of the two teams. The similarity is so striking that I can't help but theorize that the only reason these two teams, with nary a geographic or historical tie betwixt them, scheduled each other for a September non-conference game: a drunken challenge between two athletic directors at the annual NCAA rules meetings about who has the better anthropomorphic quasi-purple "N" logo.


Northwestern, meet bizarro Northwestern.

Oh, and the game was awesome, too. In a weekend with some big-time laughers (every game that was broadcast in Chicago was settled by more than 30 points), watching Northwestern's quarterback, C.J. Not-Kafka lead the Cats on a last-minute desperation drive to a game-winning touchdown with 26 seconds left was the thrill of the weekend. All in all, a pretty fun weekend. Keep your eyes open for future stops on the HRB Hobo Tour 07. Stay thirsty, my friends. Go Food-ball.

The New Banner is Up!

Well, with the changing times and graduating players, I've decided to revamp the old banner. The theme is "Fightinamish and Friends" and the banner is styled in the manner of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club. It's kind of a tribute to all the personalities who have made these last two years so successful and hilarious.

Essentially, the banner is serving as the House Rock Built's hall of fame. Henceforth, then, if somebody does something awesome or notorious, they can earn their way into the pantheon of the banner. You'll notice that three recently-graduated players made it to the hall, and the House is proud to induct Darius Walker, Brady Quinn, and Jeff Samardzija into the inagural wall of fame class. All three of them had achievements during the career that had a great impact on the team and this website, and are worthy inductees.

If you're an avid reader, you'll probably recognize most of these characters, but if you're a bit confused, here's a handy reader's guide:

(click image for full-size)

1. HR Pufnustuf. Pufnstuf gained immediate fame in college football when Mike Valenti demanded he be hired as Michigan State's defensive coordinator. There's a pretty good chance you've already heard Valenti's rant a thousand times, but you should fire it up one last time, for nostalgia's sake.

2. Darius Walker. Michigan, 2004. An unheralded freshman hops off the bench and singlehandedly propels the Irish to victory. He was small, he was slow, and at times I screamed terrible things about him, but he was the centerpiece to the Irish offense for three years and an invaluable asset. Shifty and tenacious, he fought for every yard, caught every pass that was thrown to him, and never ever fumbled the ball. An obvoius choice for the HRB's pantheon.

3. H. Mervin Longfellows. The notorious booster, he dreams of a simpler time when boosters lived by an unwritten code when they paid their players.

4. Papa John. Urban Meyer's identical twin.

5. Neil Diamond. It's a tradition at HRB to get naked and dance to Neil Diamond every time we get a new recruit.

6. Alec Baldwin. The single greatest living actor of all time. Period.

7. Jeff Samardzija

Crazy hair, crazy catches. Rotted on the bench for two years under Willingham and became a two-time All-American under Weis. I can't even count the number of times he blew my mind with electrifying catches, huge plays, and heroism.

8. All-Hairmerican Award. The highest honor bestowed by the House Rock Built. Each year, we compile the All-Hairmerican Team for the greatest hairdos in college football.

9. Anagramaticus. The wise prophet of college football. He rearranges letters to discover hidden truths.

10. Howard Schnellenberger. A badass mustache-sporter who earned the esteem of the House Rock Built for his voting tendencies. He occasionally submits pearls of wisdom to the House Rock Built. 11. Andy French. The patron saint of getting wrecked, calling football coaches, and screaming inappropriate things. The inspiration for the House Rock Built's Andy French Cup.

12. The Orgeron. The deranged, psychotic cajun from Ole Miss, he serves as a constant inspiration for House Rock Built insanity. He also writes his own blog called Every Day Should Be Lemsday.

13. Orvis P. Sexton. The House Rock Built's resident gonzo journalist. Wherever there's booze, recreational drugs, and a football game, you can expect to see him with his notepad and pen.

14. Wilford Brimley. The long-lost twin of Purdue coach Joe Tiller, he demands that you eat your damn oatmeal.

15. Dink. A tough-luck Notre Dame fan and co-star of the House Rock Built's official comic strip, Dink & Dunk.

16. Stanford Tree. The worst mascot in sports, and victim of a gangland shooting last year. Charlie Weis is still a person of interest.

17. Brady Quinn. Quinn took over a program in desperate shape and spent four years getting his bones crushed. He never backed down, he never complained, and at the end of his tenure, he had piloted Notre Dame into a new era of offensive prowess. He's the man.

18. Franz Kafka. A House Rock Built favorite. After Mike Kafka won the starting quarterback job at Northwestern, the jokes kind of wrote themselves. Also a lucrative merchandising target.

19. The Robot. Courtesy of Marco.

20. Dunk. The second half of the Dink & Dunk comedy team, a USC fan who is prone to getting ripped and discharging firearms indoors.

21. Touchdown Jesus. The icon of Notre Dame football. His influence is spreading.

22. Knute Rockne. The one and only, the guy this whole blog is named after and dedicated to. Loves his Akvavit.

23. Lou Holtz. The scrappy, diminutive coach with a lisp who made me fall in love with Notre Dame football.

24. Ara Parseghian. He stopped the rain. He won two national championships. Nuff said.

25. Frank Leahy. No Mt. Rushmore of Notre Dame football is complete without this man.

26. Rumple Minze. The liquor of the gods. The House Rock Built owns a super soaker full of this 100-proof peppermint schnapps that we spray fans with during our publicity events.

27. Sparks. Three words. Hooker Killing Fuel.

Stay Safe in Columbus, Everyone

You miss Fido? Trust an expert with a world-class education to make him a piece of furniture.

Supposedly, there's a Game of the Century of some sorts in Ohio this weekend. Personally, I don't understand why there's so much hoopla around a battle for dead last in the AFC Central, but hey... go Browns. Anyway, if that's not your cup of tea, you can always check out the Michigan-Ohio State game. However, you have to be careful. Apparently, it's not too safe in Columbus, at least according to this e-mail I got from the Michigan alumni association.

Amazing, you take a few correspondence classes on taxidermy and, voila!, Michigan diploma and a lifetime of pestering e-mails. This one, however, was a bit more informative than the standard "Tractor Pull Networking Event" and "Elk Chili Cook-Off" e-mails I get, as it showed deep concern for my personal safety. I'm sure you've probably read part one as it has circulated the internet, but the second half of the e-mail really included the juicy details.

So here you go... reprinted for your enjoyment, the Michigan Alumni Association's pre-game warning for visiting fans (part deux):

Dear Respected Alumnus:

We are sure that you are excited about this Saturday's football game versus Ohio State, and the possibility of capturing the Big Ten conference title and playing for the national championship.

We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few more suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:

• Don't venture too deep into the backwoods of Columbus. While the immediate area around Ohio Stadium offers a stunning array of pregame fun for the whole family, the safety dramatically decreases as you extend past a certain radius from the stadium. Please consult this attached map with the family fun zones clearly labeled:

• Don't Wear Clothing that Clearly Indicates You are from Michigan. While it's fine to support your team by wearing their colors, it is advisable to wear them underneath a protective layer of Columubus camouflage until you are safely within the stadium. Some outerwear suggestions:

	Denim Cutoff Shirt. We will have extras at the tailgater that we will loan out for free with a student ID.
	Tuxedo T-Shirt. Perfect for those fancier occasions, you'll have no problem slipping under the radar with one of these babies.
	Nuts. Nuts, and lots of them. Don't ask why, just make sure you've got a healthy set of nuts on your abdomen if you value your life at all.

Remember, wearing your auto mechanic jumpsuit, your faded XXL Grand Funk Railroad World Tour 1972 t-shirt, or anything soaked in deer piss will be a certain way to draw unwanted attention and violence from moonshine-filled Columbians.

If Verbally Harassed by Opposing Fans, Be Sure to Represent the University of Michigan Well. Remember, you went to a internationally-renowned top-tier university right up there if not a league above the Ivy League. Ergo, it's unbecoming to fire back with a pedestrian "Fuck Ohio State", as this is what mouth-breathing heathens from land-grant four-year babysitting facilities do. Turn it into an opportunity to retort with a calm yet stern reminding of your family's wealth, the unrelatedness of your birth parents, and perhaps a sinewy and artfully-constructed bit of witticism that makes references to Kafka, Voltaire, or whichever post-Enlightenment scholar you wrote your thesis on. Remember, whatever happens on the field, the hallmark of your Michigan education is a lifetime of unspoken-yet-very-important-to-reiterate-as-much-as-possible superiority in all things aesthetic.

Go right for the jugular, my good friend! And do it with as much aplomb as possible.

We look forward to a tremendous game on Saturday. Let's help the Wolverines win with spirit and class.

Go Blue!

Sue Eklund, Associate Vice President and Dean of Students
Steve Grafton, President, Alumni Association
Nicole Stallings, MSA President

Dink & Dunk: Keep it Real Edition

Dink & Dunk served a one week suspension for knifing some nuns and orphans on the subway. Fortunately, they write a weekly column, so they're back in action for their regularly-scheduled feature.

• You know something good is going to happen when they cut away in the middle of a game for Miami-FIU highlights. I knew before the clip even started rolling that there was going to be a hideous brawl. Way to keep it real, Da U.
  
  
  
  

  So many classic moves. The "kick the prone guy on the ground in the face". The "swing your helmet at people". The "liquored-up felon broadcaster jumps into the onfield melee". Nearly beyond parody. Well, nearly.
  
  Oh, and if Lamar Thomas is looking for new employment, he can always clean our pool while we get drunk and shoot him in the ass with a BB gun repeatedly. That's what you get when you try to bring your big-time shit into our house. Represent.

  
  
  
• Dirk Koetter is a dead man. In case you didn't catch the last few minutes of the Arizona-USC debacle, he punted the ball away with one minute left while down one score rather than risk a fourth down and long attempt. A speechless Pete Carroll watched as his team kneeled the ball to seal the victory.
  
  

  That was literally, literally, literally, literally, literally the worst coaching decision I have ever seen in all of my years of watching football. But hey, good news, according to Koetter, "If I had it to do over, I would have gone for it." Trust me, you will never, ever have to do it over again, unless some junior varsity middle school team makes the blunderous error of hiring you to call plays.

  
  
  
  You guys wouldn't be calling me an idiot today if a bald eagle had swooped down and knocked the ball out of Booty's hands as he was kneeling it and returned it for a touchdown, would you?



• Northwestern quarterback Mike Kafka has apparently lost his starting job. This is sad, because we love him ever so much.
  
  

  It looks like we've found out why. While universitites are usually very tight-lipped about the nature of injuries due to privacy laws, Northwestern's injury report this week was surprisingly candid.

  
  
  
  And so early into a promising career...
  
  
• Reason #3849734239 not to live in Buffalo. The Miami(OH) - Buffalo game was postponed due to a snowstorm. In October. We will never bitch and moan about South Bend weather ever again.
  
  

  I'm just excited because Buffalo's answer to Jenn Sterger just became my friend on Facebook. She's quite the dish.

  
  
  
  Quite a set of jugs... of compressed oxygen, that is.



• As we watched the Sunday Night NFL game, all we could think about was how much of a travesty it would be for Brady Quinn to get drafted by the Raiders. They are the Temple Owls of professional football.

  
  
  We were playing a drinking game with the following rules:
  
  

  • Oakland player or coach grimaces after false start penalty: One Drink.
  • Oakland player or coach slaps self on forehead after idiotic play: Two Drinks.
  • Oakland player or coach throws a piece of sporting equipment in abject disgust: Shot of Captain Morgan

  
  
  Suffice to say, we were asleep the entire second half.

  
  
  
  Die, liver, die!

MSU Radio Host Melts Fucking Down On the Air

Hello, everyone. The week leading up to the Notre Dame-Michigan State game is always a special one here at the House Rock Built, because we get a nice little spike in traffic from everyone who wants to re-live this majesty. Enjoy, it's great. I'm going to listen to it again right now. Hey, though, while you're here, why don't you check out what we've been up to recently -- we've been making a college-football themed YouTube series featuring insane puppets called Stuffing the Passer. Okay, on to the goodness! -fightinamish


There are normal wins. You jump up and down a little bit, high five your buddies, and do a few celebratory shots. There are epic, legendary wins, where you sprint around campus in East Lansing yelling and screaming, hugging and humping every stranger you pass wearing a Notre Dame jersey. There are normal losses, where you crack open your poison of choice and drink away your sorrows.

And then, there are soul-crushing, ball-busting agonizingly excruciating losses that plunge you through the looking glass into a deep, dark spot in your sportsfan soul that is frightening to even think about. Trust me, I've been there before. This week, Sparty was on the receiving end of one of these, and the results... were not so pretty.

Enter a sports radio program on AM 1270 in Michigan called The Sports Inferno, which featured, live on the air, the most heinous, depraved descent into that mirky blackness captured by our modern recording equipment. For fifteen glorious minutes, our valiant host slides down that spiral slide into the abysmal nothingness of grief and hatred for all the world to hear. Frightening? Yes. A guilty pleasure knowing you pushed him to that depravity? Don't tell anyone, but yes.

Anyway, have a listen. I can't build it up anymore, because the full clip is so priceless and unique that you absolutely absolutely must listen to it and experience it for yourself. It's... amazing. Crazy amazing. Cramazing. Holy hell, stop reading this and just listen to it. In one of his more lucid moments, he demands the coaching staff be replaced by Teddy Ruxpin and HR Pufnstuf. Then, he starts saying some really weird shit.

(Click to listen) or download

On a More Upbeat Note...

If you're like me, you've become a huge fan of Northwestern's quarterback Mike Kafka, who has seriously the most badass name among college football players born on the planet Earth (Zoltan the Inconceivable, of course, was born on a small planet orbiting twin red suns). To show your love, pick up your Wildcat Purple "I Heart Kafka" shirt, only with more of a Kafkaesque spin to it: