Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Notre Dame Shuts Down in Wake of Violent Anti-Little Backlash

Update: The House Rock Built's huge official breakdown of the Class of 2007 will be pushed back a day in light of this breaking news out of South Bend. My apologies, but larger world events have made it necessary to cover this story in lieu of my other responsibilities. Check back tomorrow for the incoming freshman bonanza.

SOUTH BEND - While Notre Dame fans enjoy a notorious reputation for taking college football far too seriously, this previously lovable quirk has taken a turn for the tragic and depraved when law enforcement at the University of Notre Dame instituted Martial Law on campus.

This declaration came on the heels of two verbal commitments to the football team, Chris Little from Georgia and Greg Little from North Carolina, suddenly withdrawing their commitment on national signing day and signing on to their in-state universities. Immediate reaction to the news was swift and irrational, as thousands of violently anti-Little students and fans alike descended upon the campus to wreak their vengeance on anybody whose last name is "Little". After a tense four-hour standoff when the angry mob cornered the seven current Notre Dame students whose last name is Little, or some derivation thereof, law enforcement was able to safely transport these Littles to a secure internment facility.

"In the wake of this deplorable violent outrage against Littles, it is imperative that no unnecessary violence is wrought on any innocent parties who just so happen to be 'Little' by descent," stated University President Rev. John Jenkins, CSC in a somber afternoon press conference. "It is with this in mind that we have sent down an order to transport all 'Littles' in the vicinity to a safe facility in order to protect them. This is the hardest order I have ever had to give as president."

Campus Security then detailed the razor-wire fences and 24-hour security detail that will be protecting this temporary residence for Littles.

"It's frightening, really, that everything has descended into pre-civilization so rapidly," said Jenette Little, a sophomore from Welsh Hall. "The Littles came to America seeking the American dream, just like everyone else. I just don't see why the action of a few bad Littles can cause such an uproar over the Littles as a people. It's unfair that I'm being judged by the most radical fringe of my people."

Other detainees were more flippant about their mandatory displacement.

"It's just such fucking bullshit," bemoaned acclaimed film and television actor Michael J. Fox. "Five priests just kicked down my door in the middle of the night and tossed me into a burlap sack. My last name isn't even 'Little', I just happened to provide the voice over for the animated character 'Stuart Little' in two very successful films. This knee-jerk reactionism is appalling and disgusting."

Fox also happens to be a rather little 5' 4 1/2".

Also caught up in the fray are legendary impersonation artist Rich Little, Playboy Playmate Angela Little, and diminutive freshman wide receiver/kick returner George West, who, at 5'8", is the littlest person on the team, and thus also in need of protection for his own safety.

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