The Perfect Storm

Gentlemen, we have encountered the Perfect Storm of mustaches. It's almost as if all the forces of mustachitude extant in the universe coagulated in a peaty bog in Knoxville, spawning a new, unholy race of divine snout brooms. Perhaps in the Garden of Eden, before the fall of humanity, mankind lived harmoniously with such divine facial accessories. But alas, we have spent generation after generation wandering in the wilderness, aching for a return to that preternatural glory. Saturday in South Bend, mankind will reconcile with this age-old existential fugue.

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There's the classic favorites. Dan Brooks and Steve Caldwell are sporting the battle-tested "Gentleman Caller", a princely stache that only gets better with age. Larry Slade brandishes the "Pencil Thin", a whispery, enigmatic stache that simultaneously invites and inspires. Pat Washington and Greg Adkins rock the "Private Eye", a stone-cold stache that won't cop out when there's trouble all about. And Jimmy Ray Stephens knocks the ladies dead with "The Good Cop". These are staches that we've admired, loved, and studied extensively in previous exigeses.

But there are some newcomers to the fray as well. Trooper Taylor is sporting the rare but awe-inspiring "Wooly Willy". A goatee that teeters on the very verge of believability. And bless you, John Chavis. For a fleeting moment in our mundane lives, we get to meet face to face with "The Don": the sultan, the champagne, the Rolls Royce of mustaches.

Please forgive the House Rock Built for losing objectivity for a moment and reducing to groveling. But as a seasoned professional in mustache evaluation, this reporter has yet to encounter anything this glorious. Enjoy it with us.

And hey, Randy Sanders. Grow a mustache, rookie. Then maybe you can have your job back.