Sunday, December 18, 2005

Tailgating Primer

As many of you prepare for your trips to exotic bowl cities, it is important to plan out the most important aspect of any road trip. You see, the true meaning of tailgating is neither fanhood nor pomp; nay, it is drinking. Drinking and revenge. Allow the House Rock Built to take you on a tour of the fine malty beverages you can funnel down your gullet to adequately prepare yourself for your upcoming bowl game. But beware, alcohol is only for people 21 and up, and side effects include visual impairment, inability to operate heavy machinery, and waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a hideous surgical scar where my right kidney used to be.
Go ahead and kiss this sucker goodbye

The first and most basic rule about pregame tailgating goes like this. Look at your right hand. If there is not a beer in it, then immediately rectify this situation. Furthermore if you see a fellow fan (or even a rival fan, for that matter) suffering this same affliction, do the right thing and toss them a cold one. Now as for your left hand, here is a rundown of the harder libations. These drinks are measured by their "Happy Drunk Quotient", denoted by one to five smiling Otto the Oranges . Additionally, they are measured on their "Angry Drunk Quotient", one to five evil Vikings , based on the likelihood that they will drive you to a drunken fistfight. Cheers!


Summary: Forged deep in the untamed woods of Bavaria, this inky concoction of 56 top-secret herbs and spices is the cornerstone to any night of drunken madness. While the rumor that one of those ingredients is deer blood is, sadly, only a rumor, rest assured that there are plenty of ingredients in Jager that can drive you deep into the blackness of insanity. Get started early on Jager, but beware its awesome power, lest you want spend your afternoon hucking up pitch-black chunder behind a Recreational Vehicle.

Usage: Toss the bottle in the freezer and get that bastard as cold as possible, then pack it in ice in your cooler. Dole out shots. If you are fortunate enough to be able to afford Red Bull, then drop your shot into half a can and pound. For the truly daring, take a shot of Jager and a shot of Goldschlager simultaneously and shake them up in your mouth.

Happy Drunk Rating:
Angry Drunk Rating:


Summary: Well, the ad says it all. Alcohol plus energy. A truly unholy union of 6.0% malted alcoholic beverage and enough taurinte/guarana/caffeine to take down a charging rhinocerous. Sparks is evil and would almost certainly be banned in a perfectly just and egalitarion society. Since it tastes like candy, there is hardly any accountability as you pile up empties, as you amble your way to the fightingest drunk this side of the San Jacinto River. Beware of this drink. As the Irish Outsider once keenly observed, Sparks is a drink that often leads to waking up with a bloody high-heeled shoe dangling from your jaws and a strange taste in your mouth. It's pure evil, taurine-injected Hooker Killing Fuel.

Usage: Open can. Imbibe. Use one phone call from prison to call your lawyer. Don't say anything until he shows up.

Happy Drunk Rating:
Angry Drunk Rating:


Summary: Distilled from the succulent nectar of the agave plant, tequila has acquired worldwide renown for its ability to incite riots and female promiscuity from here to the San Juan Hills. It's fiery and bitter, but nothing gets your tailgating motor running quite like it. As long as you stick to top shelf tequila, you'll be able to get a rabid buzz on and avoid a prologned stay in a filthy Jalisco hospital or, worse yet, prison.

Usage: Keep your expensive top-shelf tequila at room temperature, pour a shot for all of your friends, and dish out lime slices for the ladies. Sorry, men, you've got to take it straight up. You can ward of scurvy on your own time.

Happy Drunk Rating:
Angry Drunk Rating:

Mad Dog 20/20

Summary: Well, eventually you will have to go to the football game, and the heartless bastards that run college football won't sell you any beer inside the stadium. The show must go on, and that's why God invented hobo wine in a hip flask. This delicious fortified fruit wine produced by the saints at Mogen David wineries is a favorite of college football fans and homeless winos alike. It'll keep your party rolling in the stadium and help to assuage the grief you feel as another errant pass is run back for a touchdown.

Usage: Just run down to the local liquor store or steal some from a nearby bum. Stuff some of this glorious fortified wine down your britches and pass gingerly through the security checkpoint.

Happy Drunk Rating:
Angry Drunk Rating:


At 3:14 PM, Blogger IrishOutsider said...

Sparks is the anti-Sam Adams, "Never a good decision."

Regardless, the orangest of the orange liquors is still heaven-in-a-can and causes both high levels of happy and angry drunk.

While Sparks is the Hooker Killing Juice (HKJ), I firmly believe that Jager is necessary before ingestion of said hooker.

"A spoonful of Jager helps the prostitute go down"

At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No bowl season is complete without a bottle of cheap hooch. Necessary to ward off the chill wind in frigid bowl climes like Pasadena, Tempe, or Mobile.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger fightinamish said...

Excellent call, anonymous. We're Mad Dog guys when it comes to fortified wine, but we understand that not everyone is a millionaire like us. For those struggling paycheck-to-paycheck, the samplings from the Night Train and Thunderbird vintages are quite agreeable.

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, the memories of the Schlagger-meister. That was a great day...I think. I don't really remember.

At 8:28 AM, Blogger The Contrarian said...

You can always gulp down your Mad Dog knowing that you'll probably be getting 100 percet of your recommended daily allowance of vitamin C...that or high-fructose corn syrup.

At 9:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To those unfortunate enough to not get tickets before, or even during the game, may i suggest a cure. It is called the Round Trip (2 750ml bottles of Night Train Express). To this date, there has never been a documented case where the 'passenger' has not blacked out at least part of the night. Helpful in either forgetting that you are not, in fact, actually inside the game; or for the... um... less fortunate fans. Also it may be wise to hold an extra bottle for the next morning for, as any hobo will tell you, the only way to rid of that hangover is to stay on board.

At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Pellee said...

Wow, that is hardcore. Someone has been spending time with hobos, a little too much time.

I have to agree with Sparks, though I have to say the worst is running into someone three shirts into a Sparks fuelled drunken stumble, knowing that they have mood swings more violent than Nick Nolte's in a crackden. Look out of the tell tale orange lips and tongues and you will be set.

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous viagra said...

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