Monday, January 09, 2006

Law & Order: Ron New Mexico Edition

Looks like little Ron Mexico is back up to some antics, making him the rowdiest little brother since that episode of Clarissa Explains it All where Ferguson Darling mugged a half-dozen nuns at knifepoint (Notre Dame grad. Look it up).

Not the only ND grad whose sister we've slept with.

You remember in grade school when you got in trouble and were informed it was going down on your permanent record? Well, those things aren't just myths used to scare little children, they're actually real, and they're all stored and maintained in a warehouse in East Peoria, IL under the careful supervision of the Army. Needless to say, many rebel lives were lost in gathering this information, but alas we have it: a copy of Marcus Vick's permanent record. So sit back and enjoy a lifetime achievement award for "keeping it real".

Brushes With The Law
Suspensions, Expulsions, or Evictions
Poor Sportsmanship
Drugs & Alcohol
Senseless Violence
Crap I Just Made Up

Marcus Vick's Permanent Record
DOB: 3/20/1984
Authorized Personnel Only
Do Not Remove from Permanent Records Storage, East Peoria, IL
Summer 2004
Arrested for providing alcohol to underage girls claiming to be college students. Acquitted based on precedent set by landmark case People of New York v. Don't Be a Playa Hata.

Summer 2004
Arrested for Reckless Driving and Possession of Marijuana. Lord knows we've all tried to convince a police officer that the five foot skull bong in the passenger seat is an ornate flower vase, but to no avail. Into the clink you go.

August 3, 2004
On a joyride in Blacksburg, VA, Vick picks up a drifter and, with the help of two unknown accomplices, harvests his right kidney and pancreas. The organs turn up three weeks later during a police raid at the residence of an unlicensed physician in Tijuana.

Preseason 2004
Suspended by Virginia Tech for the fall semester, including the entire football season. Reactivated at the end of the year under double secret probation.
October 1, 2005
Vick celebrates a win against West Virginia by tossing up the bird to a throng of frenzied West Virginians in Morgantown.
December 3, 2005
Following a loss in the ACC championship game, Vick consumes a gallon of scotch, gathers up two dozen prostitutes in his vehicle and burns Alltel Stadium to the ground, all the while blasting an illegally-downloaded version of Eazy-E's "College Girls Are Easy". During the arson, his vehicle receives three parking tickets.

December 17, 2005
Arrested for Speeding, Reckless Driving, and Driving with a Suspended/Revoked License back in Hampton, VA. Vick pleads not guilty due to a chronic case of Sammyhagarism, which has rendered him physically incapable of driving 55.
December 24, 2005
Vick evades the coast guard after a high-tension six hour boat chase off the coast of Porsmouth, VA. Vick was wanted for questioning for six documented cases of piracy on the high seas. During the spree, Vick allegedly made off with an untold amount of plunder and forced three victims to walk the plank.

January 2, 2005
Callously stomps on the knee of a prone Elvis Dumervil during the Toyota Gator Bowl.

January 7, 2005
Having had enough of his shennanigans, Virginia Tech pulls the plug on Vick, citing "a cumulative effect of legal infractions and unsportsmanlike play". Vick shrugs it off and declares for the NFL draft.
January 9, 2005
Arrested for brandishing a handgun and threatening a 17 year old in a McDonalds parking lot.

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