Law & Order: Ron New Mexico Edition
Looks like little Ron Mexico is back up to some antics, making him the rowdiest little brother since that episode of Clarissa Explains it All where Ferguson Darling mugged a half-dozen nuns at knifepoint (Notre Dame grad. Look it up).
Not the only ND grad whose sister we've slept with.
You remember in grade school when you got in trouble and were informed it was going down on your permanent record? Well, those things aren't just myths used to scare little children, they're actually real, and they're all stored and maintained in a warehouse in East Peoria, IL under the careful supervision of the Army. Needless to say, many rebel lives were lost in gathering this information, but alas we have it: a copy of Marcus Vick's permanent record. So sit back and enjoy a lifetime achievement award for "keeping it real".
Authorized Personnel Only
Do Not Remove from Permanent Records Storage, East Peoria, IL
|Arrested for providing alcohol to underage girls claiming to be college students. Acquitted based on precedent set by landmark case People of New York v. Don't Be a Playa Hata.|
|Arrested for Reckless Driving and Possession of Marijuana. Lord knows we've all tried to convince a police officer that the five foot skull bong in the passenger seat is an ornate flower vase, but to no avail. Into the clink you go.|
|On a joyride in Blacksburg, VA, Vick picks up a drifter and, with the help of two unknown accomplices, harvests his right kidney and pancreas. The organs turn up three weeks later during a police raid at the residence of an unlicensed physician in Tijuana.|
|Suspended by Virginia Tech for the fall semester, including the entire football season. Reactivated at the end of the year under double secret probation.|
|Vick celebrates a win against West Virginia by tossing up the bird to a throng of frenzied West Virginians in Morgantown.|
|Following a loss in the ACC championship game, Vick consumes a gallon of scotch, gathers up two dozen prostitutes in his vehicle and burns Alltel Stadium to the ground, all the while blasting an illegally-downloaded version of Eazy-E's "College Girls Are Easy". During the arson, his vehicle receives three parking tickets.|
|Arrested for Speeding, Reckless Driving, and Driving with a Suspended/Revoked License back in Hampton, VA. Vick pleads not guilty due to a chronic case of Sammyhagarism, which has rendered him physically incapable of driving 55.|
|Vick evades the coast guard after a high-tension six hour boat chase off the coast of Porsmouth, VA. Vick was wanted for questioning for six documented cases of piracy on the high seas. During the spree, Vick allegedly made off with an untold amount of plunder and forced three victims to walk the plank.|
|Callously stomps on the knee of a prone Elvis Dumervil during the Toyota Gator Bowl.|
|Having had enough of his shennanigans, Virginia Tech pulls the plug on Vick, citing "a cumulative effect of legal infractions and unsportsmanlike play". Vick shrugs it off and declares for the NFL draft.|
|Arrested for brandishing a handgun and threatening a 17 year old in a McDonalds parking lot.|