Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Law & Order: Special Boosters Unit

Well, before we commence sarcastic commentary and baseless accusations, everybody take a second to read this story. It appears our favorite Unfrozen Caveman Linebacker and his roommate, Buckeyes Center Wes Mantooth Nick Mangold, had a break-in at their apartment, pictured above. The most entertaining part of this is the positively Maurice Clarett-esque amount of fabricated merchandise that was stolen.

The House Rock Built knows someone who knows someone who has pictures of someone in the Columbus PD, so we have obtained an exclusive copy of the police report. Among the notable items claimed to have been stolen were:

$3,000 in small, unmarked, non-consecutive bills
Approximately $3000
You know, pizza and beer money.
Video Collection
Can't blame them here, who hasn't, in a drunken haze, ordered those Girls Gone Wild videos for nine bucks and then been to lazy to cancel your subscription as the titles pile up?
Two laptop computers.
You try taking a grueling class schedule at the Ohio State University without one of these bad boys.
Gucci Watch.
They used to be cool, until every college freshman in the world got one. Me, I wear a clock around my neck a la Flava Flav.
And I quote, "Two Microsoft X-Box games valued at $500... one Sony Playstation game valued at $250".
Man, that Electronics Boutique in Columbus has some serious markup. I got my copy of NCAA 2006 for $39.99. You'd think Mangold, who is majoring in Business Management would be a more conscientious consumer.
Bengal Tiger.
The new must-have pet in college dormrooms. And, uh, no, I don't have the receipt.
The Hope Diamond.
It's just as well that it was stolen, the bastard is cursed.

Quoth the anguished victim:
"I don't have a lot, and now that little bit that I have is now gone," Mangold said.

"Why do you have to do something like that -- to mess with a poor college kid's stuff?" Mangold said.

These terms "poor college kid" and "don't have a lot", I do not think you know what they mean, otherwise I no think you would say them.


At 6:09 PM, Anonymous captaineclectic said...

Fezzik and AJ Hawk have a suspicious resemblance.

At 7:30 PM, Blogger Sean H. said...

I am glad that unlike some yahoos on NDN you didn't mention that five days past between the break in and the call to the police. While I find the amount of merchandise taken odd, the time gap is easy. They were home for Thanksgiving week.

At 7:47 PM, Blogger fightinamish said...

Definitely, Sean. It's funny, because the article itself made a huge deal about this gap between reporting and occuring without following up on this. It's just an example of that "We Report (only the most salacious gossip) and You Decide".

At 11:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When they went home for Thanksgiving why in the hell did they leave $3,0000 cash in their apartment? When I went home for break I took almost everything of value, besides my TV, with me. And anything over $20 qualified as valuable in my book.

I can still honestly understand leaving their video games and their movies behind, but $3,000 cash? I would roll that wad up with a rubber band and I wouldn't let it out of my sight.

I'm still skeptical as to why they had $3,000 cash in the first place, but I would never leave that kind of dough in a drawer or under the mattress while I was out of town. I guess Common Sense 101 isn't a required course at OSU though.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger The Contrarian said...

Can anyone come up with a cute "Catholics vs. Convicts" analogy here?

At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The $3000 in cash was stored in a safe. The thieves took the safe.

At 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet you AJ Hawk and Nick Mangold will think it is funny when they decapitate Brady Quinn, too.

At 3:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your comment makes no sense. Not only is it apropos of nothing, but Nick Mangold, a center, is unlikely to get a chance to hit Brady Quinn. Based on your illogic and threats of brutal, dehumanizing violence, I must conclude that you are Mike Tyson.

Fade into Bolivian, man.


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