Thursday, October 19, 2006

A Tribute to Karl's!

For the first time ever (fact checking? Who needs it? I've got a bunch of loudmouth readers who will give me the business within minutes if I'm wrong), Notre Dame welcomes a head coach named Karl to the House that Rock Built. While the wispy-thin personality-devoid Karl Dorrell is off to an admirable start, he's still got a long way to go if he's going to be make into the pantheon of "Greatest Karls of All Time". Here's a look at his competition:

Karl Childress

(a.k.a. "Sling Blade")
A slow-witted, lumbering sociopath with a strange voice and a disarmingly charming charisma about him, much like Karl Dorrell (except for the disarmingly charming charisma). Until Dorrell hacks a feller up with a kaiser blade to save a struggling child and his mother, we're going to have to give the nod to Billy Bob.
Advantage: Karl Childress

Karl Marx

(Father of Modern Socialism)
Brazen, outspoken, iconoclastic and idealistic. He wrote the rules on the new world order in a post-industrialist era, and probably could drink vodka with the best of them. Marx is the owner of one of the most recognizable beards in the modern era, whereas I'm pretty sure it would take Karl Dorrell ten years to grow sideburns and one of those cheezy chinstrap beards. Have to give the nod to Marx here.
Advantage: Karl Marx

Karl Malone

(Professional Wrestler and Mailman who did a stint in the NBA)
A Renaissance man if ever there was one. One day, he's a taciturn hard-working superhero on the basketball courts. The next day, a cheap-shotting public service announcement-giving zen master who drives an 18-wheeler in the offseason and will likely someday be elected governer of some backwater state. Karl Dorrell has a long way to go to fill these shoes.
Advantage: Karl Malone

Karl Hungus

(Nihilist, kidnapper, porn star, and frontman for the timeless nu-wave trio Autobahn)
Another jack-of-all-trades, this shaggy-haired German nihilist has built an impressive film career by starring in such epics as "Logjammin". His famous quotes "Miene dispatcher says there is problem mit deine kable" and "Ve believe in nothing!" are as true today as they were the day they were uttered. He'll make you forget about that farm in Kansas, that's for sure.
Advantage: Karl Hungus

Karl Rove

(Boy Genius, Political Mastermind, Space Emperor)
When he's not conquering the world, destroying his enemies, or generally making the world a better place, Rove spends his quiet personal hours stalking and terrorizing fellow Notre Dame blogger Marco. It's a tough choice between Dorrell and Rove, but I think the ultimate tiebreaker is who you'd rather have your daughter go out on a date with. My only concern is that Rove would very likely drive off in an unmarked black SUV and sell my daughter's organs on the Bangkok black market, whereas Dorrell would probably take her to a coffee shop and tell her boring stories about his cats. I think it's a no-brainer.
Advantage: Karl Dorrell

Well, there you have it. Keep in mind, a big-time road win in what could probably be argued as the biggest road trip of his career would do wonders for moving his way up this distinguished list. Here's hoping he doesn't.

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