Two Upsets, 250 Beers, and One Broken Femur Later...

The House Rock Built is back from Florida, and I've gotta admit, I got every penny's worth of entertainment in my 36 hours in the Sunshine State. The Friday night showdown at Raymond James Stadium was thrilling, and I stormed the field with the USF students after the Bulls pulled off an improbable upset against the #5 West Virginia Mountaineers. Throw in the fact that they sold beer in the stadium and that I got to grab singlet guy, and you've got the makings of an awesome day.

The guy giving the shocker... his t-shirt says "Groethe > Tebow"

Saturday we took the show on the road to Gainesville and casually watched the Irish game. The Irish Outsider and I decided to do a shot every time the Irish made a grievous blunder, and a half full of interceptions, fumbles, failures to field punts at the 12 yard line, 3rd and 29 conversions acceded, and ridiculous penalties left us staggering drunk before we knew what had happened. The game improved a bit and it looks like this team is slowly learning to play football, which I guess is good. i compare it to a baseball player finally reaching the revelation that you're supposed to hold the skinny end of the bat and immediately having his batting average jump 100 points. Baby steps.

More drinking, more shennanigans, me knocking Orson Swindle unconscious and doing a Shawne Merriman "lights-out dance" over his mangled body during a pickup football game, and the War Eagle pulling out a shocker in the swamp made for a great day. I'm going to post my full travel recap later this afternoon, but I'm back, I'm alive, and I won't be back in Florida until my court date next month.... but I'm telling you, that police horse was just asking to get punched in the face. It was entrapment.

Most... Insane... Thing... Ever.

Orson found... uh, this. It made me do such a violent spit take that cottage cheese shot out of my nose, and I wasn't even eating cottage cheese at the time. Read and watch at your own risk.

Happy Man-Christmas!

It's Man-Christmas, the most wonderful day of the year. So kick your wife and kids out of the house, call up the girlfriend or mistress and tell her you've got plans, and tell the boss you've got an offsite breakfast meeting or something, because tonight we dine in hell... with NCAA 08.

Early reactions after one day of gameplay: it's totally sweet. There's a lot more juking controls, which results in a lot more long touchdowns and hilariously embarassing defense. My second best moment of the night? Blocking an extra point and taking it to the house for two points. My best moment? Screaming and dancing up and down while pelvic thrusting in the general direction of irishoutsider on the other couch seconds after said PAT housing. It's gonna be a great year.

Just as a quick bit of trivia, EA Sports has solved the quarterback controversy at Notre Dame by pegging the starting quarterback as... Zach Frazer. Oops. Way to be on top of the game with that one, EA. Personally, I threw Demetrius Jones in there and tore everything up with the knifewrench attack.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Well, kids, it's been a while since the House has rapped with you, so I thought I'd drop in and reintroduce myself. Like all of you, I'm struggling through the dark ages of the football offseason and doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Between my Vegas trip (and subsequent trial and acquittal), a new job, baseball season, the NHL playoffs, and my triumphant return to the dating scene, there hasn't been much time to keep the House updated, and for that I deeply apologize.

Not a whole lot has happened this last month, but here's a brief rundown of what has gone down under the dome:

• Brady Quinn performed the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Field yesterday, alongside teammates Ryan Harris and Dan Santucci while wearing a Jackie Robinson Dodgers jersey.





• The recruiting class got a bit bigger, as TE Kyle Rudolph, LB David Posluszny (the All-American's younger brother), and LB Anthony McDonald jumped on board. Dogbook capsules will be up soon, but for now, feast away on some Neil Diamond, you junkies.





• The Spring Game is this Saturday. Amazingly, the forecast is calling for temperatures in the 60's and clear skies, which I will believe when I see. The House Rock Built will be out in full force, pounding beers, beating up nerds, and belting out ear-piercing karaoke of Journey's greatest hits. If any readers are in South Bend, you're more than welcome to swing by and say "yo" and pound a beer with the editorial staff. Details will be made available as they arise.

Yeah, You Can Clap if You Feel it. Irish Snag 3 Recruits.

First thing's first... off with those pants. It's motherfucking dancing time.

Now, let's meet our three lucky suitors who jumped onto the ND Choo Choo after a great Junior Weekend in South Bend that might have actually featured a ray or two of sunlight! Alas, the gods of weather smiled upon the 2008 recruiting class.

Braxston Cave, OL, Mishawaka, I N
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 290
	Anagramaticus Says: "Convex As Brat"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, an elephant, and a caveman.
The Lowdown: Braxston has spent his entire life within spitting distance of Notre Dame, and naturally the South Bend native has been a lifelong Irish fan. Hell, he was even named after Irish fullback Braxston Banks. After getting an offer from Notre Dame, Cave didn't hesitate in jumping on board, despite the courtships of Michigan and Florida. At 290, Cave has no shortage of bulk to make an impact on the offensive line, and it's pretty clear that Weis and his staff got plenty of opportunities to watch him play just down the road. Bonus YouTube Footage: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "Straight to You". Now that's a mullet to write home about.

John Goodman, WR, Fort Wayne, IN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 185
	Anagramaticus Says: "Jam Hog on Don"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a rug (that really ties the room together), and a Babe Ruth jersey.
The Lowdown: If something works, then stick with it. In this case, it's tall lanky white receivers from Northwest Indiana. Goodman hails from Ft. Wayne, a quick two hour jaunt across Indiana Amish country from Valparaiso, where Jeff Samardzija cut his teeth as a wide receiver. Goodman is also a lifelong Notre Dame fan, and didn't have to think twice when Notre Dame offered a scholarship, even though he had just received an offer from Lloyd Carr. Obviously, he's going to draw comparisons to the Shark right away, so hopefully he can live up to those big shoes to fill. My advice? Stop cutting your hair. Bonus YouTube Footage: John Goodman's best performance: The Big Lebowski. Slightly Edited Version (NSFW).

Sean Cwynar, DE, Woodstock, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'4", 280
	Anagramaticus Says: "Bash in Trim"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a rhinocerous, and a Chicago Dog with the works.
The Lowdown: Nasty Irish defenders and last names with no vowels go together like chicken and waffles, so Cwynar's commitment is a big boon to the newfangled D in South Bend. Now if we could get some more D-linemen with last names like Szczercztyr or Hnignygnagnyn, we'll have one of the more fearsome lines in the country. Cwynar is a big dude, but his highlight video shows a guy who's curiously quick on his feet, which makes him a good candidate to play DE in the new 3-4 scheme. Cwynar's also no slouch in the classroom, as he currently has a 4.2 GPA (which I originally mistook for his 40 time, causing me to spew orange Gatorade all over my monitor). Another impressive thing about Cwynar's recruitment is how great of a job Corwin Brown has been doing in his brief tenure. Notre Dame has always been a tough contendor in Chicagoland, but Brown's connections to the area are already starting to turn the Windy City into a pipeline for talent. Bonus YouTube Footage: Everyone's favorite Welshman: Tom Jones.

Happy Mardi Gras!

To all my Catholic readers out there, I hope everybody has a happy Mardi Gras! For those of you in warm climates, go flash your hooters at some random people and get some beads, and Laissez les bon temps rouler! For you Chicagoans, I would like to strongly discourage any of that behavior, what with the brutal cold and all. I lifted up my shirt for a bunch of soririty girls and now I'm rushing to the hospital with my left nipple packed in ice hoping against hope that they'll be able to reattach it.

Anyway, I'll be out this morning, but I should be back online this afternoon depending how the surgery goes. Keep an eye out for the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" camera crews. Incidentally, Zach Braff's co-star John C. McGinley looks like he's lined up some work playing Jared Zabransky in "Boise State! (The Musical)".

You didn't see me at the Convention in Berlin? That's because I videoconferenced.

Notre Dame Gets Yet Another Golic

Notre Dame added its first commitment of the class of 2008, locking up the eponymous son of former Irish star and current radio personality Mike Golic. I always say you can never have enough Golics, just ask the producers of Saved By The Bell: The College Years

Bob Golic, the Knute Rockne of the modern mullet.

Ring the Sale Bell, We've Got a 20th Recruit!

Hot diggety damn, the Irish have picked up their 20th recruit of the class of 2007, nabbing Ohio prep kicker/punter Brandon Walker. Walker will be stepping into a pretty heated battle for the starting placekicker job, plus there's an opportunity for him to take over punting duties after fifth-year senior Geoff Price hangs up the cleats after this season.

Walker de-committed from Louisville after Bobby Petrino took off for the big bucks in the NFL, so while not technically a "poached" recruit, there still is a good chance that Steve Kragthorpe will ritualistically devour an infant to keep the Wheel of Pain a-spinnin'. Or perhaps he'll just post up new Cardinal Willie Williams on a freeway overpass and have him pelt unsuspecting drivers with water balloons full of urine (bonus points for convertibles).

Anyway, with 20 elite recruits sealed up, it looks like the target list for 2007 is more or less empty. The only goal left for the next week is to desperately hang onto every committed recruit like grim death until they're able to put ink to paper on National Signing Day on February 7. With all the sharks in the water, there's already been message board hooplah about a few recruits getting sniffs from Pete Carroll and Urban Meyer, but nothing has developed to the point of premature panic yet. So pop in your mouthguard, hang on tight, and ride out this last wild week of recruiting season.

To celebrate Walker's commitment, here's a touching little diddy about the life of a kicker:

They're... going... for........ twooooo

We Now Have Four Smiths in Our Linebacking Corps, All We Need Now is a Morrissey

I came home from school one day in tears with a bloody nose. See, the local bully had demanded my lunch money, and upon refusal to fork over the goods, he clocked me right in the mug and swiped my cash while I was writhing on the ground. After patching me up and drying away my tears, my old man looked me in the eye and told me to suck it up. Real men don't cry when they get bullied around, they pick themselves up, march back onto the playground, and find an even smaller kid and beat the hell out of him and take his lunch money.

A couple days later the police raided our house and took him back to jail after a frantic 48 hour manhunt.

But look at me getting all nostalgic. Anyway, the point of this story is that when Urban Meyer comes into your house and pushes you around, Charlie Weis took it like a man and went nextdoor to Iowa to steal one of their best defensive recruits. Notre Dame scored a verbal commitment from linebacker Brian Smith, who backed out of his prior commitment to the University of Iowa to play ball with the Irish. Smith is a legacy (his father, Chris, was a fullback for Notre Dame back in the day) who apparently has wanted to go to ND since day one, but was just now offered a scholarship. He's got some good natural talent and will add depth to a linebacker position that can use all the talent we can find.

This brings the grand total of Smiths on our defense to four, with linebackers Scott Smith and Toryan Smith on the roster, plus incoming freshman Harrison Smith slated to come next fall. Suffice to say, we're going to have to make an exception to the "Strip naked and sing Neil Diamond" tradition for announcing a new recruit and fire up some Morrissey.

Please, please, please let us get a Defensive Lineman. Lord knows, it would be the first time.

UPDATE: Morrissey-philes, you might find my latest post on The Fanhouse to be right in your wheelhouse.

Robert Hughes Makes 19 Commits

After a long recruiting process and a lot of recent rumormongering, star Chicago running back Robert Hughes made it official and picked Notre Dame over Ron Zook's Magical Funhouse-Champaign in a press conference at his high school.

Hughes will be joining an Irish backfield that, based on the huge star potential of the recruits from the last two years, should become a very memorable rushing force in Notre Dame's history. Hughes is a huge, strong, between-the-tackles runner who also has very impressive speed for a man of his proportions (5'11", 230). Coupled with his classmate, the lightning-quick Armando Allen, plus the star-studded offensive line that has been assembled, I wouldn't be surprised to see the Irish running roughshod over the competition with a punishing ground game in a few years.

As an interesting sidenote, it appeared that the Notre Dame alumni club in Chicago had a good feeling about yesterday's announcement, as they sent out a mass-email to Chicago alumni urging everybody to drive out to Hughes' high school and root him on for his decision. Personally, I decided against going completely over the edge and stalking high school kids, although I may not be speaking for my fellow Chicago alumni.

In accordance to a new tradition I just made up, we're going to celebrate every new verbal commitment by stripping down to our underwear and singing Neil Diamond. Party on.

The House Rock Built Won its Wager... Just Barely

While most of you were lazily flipping around through bowl games on New Years Day, sleeping off your hangover and idly watching some postseason exhibitions, the House Rock Built was riveted to his seat and glued to the Capital One Bowl. You see, I may have shot off my mouth a little bit in my preseason blogpoll roundtable, and ended up promising to photgraph myself in Razorbacks boxers if the Hogs ended the sesason at or above Phil Steele's ridiculous preseason ranking of #13. Well, my last shot came in bowl week, when an scrappy underdog Wisconsin Badgers held off the Hogs in an excruciatingly long defensive slugfest, 17-14.

Lucky me, the 'Backs finished the year ranked #15 and #16, narrowly avoiding massive embarassment on my part. So, my fortunate readers, you will not be subjected to a picture of me in Razorbacks underwear, you lucky bastards. However, if you were really excited about seeing a picture of somebody wearing Hogs boxers, well, here's Scarlett Johannsen.

Don't thank me for the eye candy, thank Bret Bielema

Half a Mill for Bail

Not to be too self-indulgent, but I noticed my counter hit another milestone this weekend, rolling over 500,000 visits. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my 200k anniversary, so suffice to say, it's been a great football season for the House Rock Built. Maybe I don't say it enough, but you, the reader, in addition to being the Time Magazine person of the year, are also the House Rock Built's person of the year, so there's another award to hang up in your parents' rec room. All joking aside, it has been a great year and change shooting the straight dookie with you guys about college football, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to do my jam and have loyal readers who are, inexplicably, interested enough to read it while your boss discreetly clears his throat as he looks over your shoulder.

So, let's celebrate! Everyone strip down to your underwear and rock out with me to Jay-Z's 99 Problems.

New Irish Defensive Coordinator Has... Many Talents

When I asked Brian at MGoblog if he had any scoop on future Irish defensive coordinator Corwin Brown, who (sad as it is ) is a Michigan alum, I wasn't expecting the... er... amount of depth that he would answer in. Well, all hail the internet, because Brian was able to rustle up the naked truth about Brown. From his post on the Fanhouse, which he culled from a story made by a commentator at mgo, here's an interesting tidbit on Brown:

Corwin was *always* walking around the halls naked. I think he'd purposefully wait until a parents weekend to go walking down the hall while the parents of the girls had to pass through our hall to get to the girls half of SQ. And believe me, when you're hung like Corwin, you're freakin' **PROUD** to walk down the halls nekked. I can still see him casually lookin' into someones room... "What's up?"..

Naturally, this story should be taken with a grain of salt. Before you get too excited, Irish fans, remember that being the best-hung person at UM isn't actually that much of an accomplishment.

Carroll and Huizenga Meet for Four Hours in Costa Rican Hot Tub

COSTA RICA - The rumors began flying yesterday when Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga was spotted at Pete Carroll's luxurious tropical bachelor pad in Costa Rica. According to the Associated Press, Carroll and Huizenga spent four hours in intense negotiations in one of Carroll's many hot tubs on his palatial oceanside manor.

"This was the one instance I've come in contact with that has all the elements I have talked about," Carroll said at a news conference on campus. "(Huizenga) has structured a program where the head coach has the entire say, from top to bottom."

When asked if any formal agreement was made on the trip, Carroll declined, citing that the talks had to be broken off at the four hour mark because both were "getting rather pruney".

We'll keep you posted as more develops.

Let's Kick Some Ass, Irish!

Partial Nudity Delayed, Millions Rejoice

Last week I asked my loyal readers to ajudicate and come to a ruling on a braggadocious bet I made in the preseason. The polls are closed and the people have spoken. By a margin of 22-5, it has been decided that final rankings are not calculated until after bowl season. Ergo, you will not see a picture of me in Razorbacks boxers unless the Hogs beat Wisconsin in their bowl game and end the season in the top 13.

Bucky Badger, you are my last hope. Judging by how Wisconsin has fared against teams not named Buffalo or San Diego State, morale is at an all-time low at the House Rock Built

No! Put down the basketball! Football, man. Football. This is hopeless.

Hot Diggety Damn! Two More Recruits Commit to ND!

Your Irish Eyes subscription really paid off this week, as there was some serious moving and shaking leading up to today's announcements. This afternoon, not one but two top recruits committed to Notre Dame, bringing the class size up to 14.

First up is a kid named Golden, which one would naturally think would be a no-brainer to go to Notre Dame. Golden Tate is a versatile athlete who could play one of five different positions in college. As a result, it seems like recruiting services aren't quite sure what to do with him. Scout has him as a four-star Wide Receiver, Rivals has him as an Athlete, and ESPN.com has him as the #3 Cornerback in the country and the #18 overall player.

Tate is also an accomplished baseball player who will try out for a spot on the squad when he gets to campus. Suffice to say, one of the big first steps in Tate's Notre Dame career will be picking out a position. With his speed and versatility, he should be able to make an impact wherever he ends up playing.

Next up is Ian Williams, a big, bruising prototypical defensive tackle from Florida. DT was probably by far and away the biggest need in this year's recruiting class, and getting a natural DT of Williams' caliber is a huge relief for the future of the depth chart. Williams is a member of the ESPN.com Top 150, and picked the Irish over Florida, Auburn, Clemson, and, yes, The Orgeron.

You're angered the Orgeron. Thankfully, you're big enough that you don't have to be in constant fear for your life, like I am.

Howard Schnellenberger is Now Officially Cool

I've always had lots of respect for Howard Schnellenberger. First, Orson Swindle told me that Schnellenberger has the greatest mustache in college football, and dammit if he's not the authority on the subject. Second, he looks like he could be part of the Mandelbaum family from Seinfeld, as every time I look at this picture I get a visual of him hoisting something heavy over his head and throwing out his back while screaming "It's Go Time!" And if that wasn't enough reason to love the guy, check out his officially off-the-reservation final ballot in the USA Today poll.

Apparently, Les Miles did something unspeakable with Schnellenberger's wife, or maybe his granddaughter. The Bayou Bengals are an incredible #15 in his poll, stuffed behind powerhouses like Wake Forest and Rutgers, and five spots below Arkansas, despite having a better record and, you know, beating the ever-loving handsomeness out of them head-to-head. Oklahoma? #18. And sitting pretty at #8 in Schnellenberger's sheet? Your Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

That's right, old Howard has the Irish ranked seven spots above their Sugar Bowl opponent LSU Tigers. Looks like somebody has some confidence.

On a related note, it looks like confidence is staggeringly low for the Notre Dame fanbase going into the bowl season. It's hard to blame anyone though, as the team has folded like cheap lawn furniture against top-flight opponents this year, the defense is a porous travesty of arm-tackling dancing bears on mopeds, and the game is being played within a wad of smokeless tobacco's projectile range of the opponent's home field. In light of this, I am adopting Howard Schnellenberger as the official mascot of misguided, irrational, largely faith-based confidence. Every day from now until I get horribly bored of the idea, we'll take time to hear some (completely fictionalized) words of wisdom from big Howie. If it works properly, it will be just the booster shot of confidence this fanbase needs going into bowl season.

Howard Schnellenberger Says... "Making love to a woman requires a gentle yet unflinchingly stern hand, much like coaching college football, breaking a wild stallion, or robbing a liquor store. Any before any of you candyasses chime in with your opinions, keep in mind that I've done all four of those more times than you've had hot meals."

Notre Dame vs. LSU, Sugar Bowl, January 3

Strap it on, Irish fans, we're off to the Big Easy to take on the home-state LSU Tigers. They're big, fast, brutal, and ranked #4 in the country. It's a huge game and the Irish will be a prohibitive underdog playing essentially a road game against the Bayou Bengals.

Listen up, Irish fans. The city of New Orleans desperately needs a big time event to help rebuild their fragile infrastructure, and suffice to say, they're not going to get big tourism dollars from the majority of LSU fans who live within driving distance of the Superdome. Therefore, the sole responsibility of rejuvinating the economy of New Orleans falls on Irish tourists. So get out there and funnel fresh money into the hotels, restaurants, liquor resale businesses, and the G-strings of the throngs of poor, hungry, destitute strippers of New Orelans. Do it for the children.

Oh, and a quick and dirty (and wholly unnecessary) defense of Notre Dame's BCS bid is up at the fanhouse. Not that there's much to talk about. The only other qualified at-large team was West Virginia, and you can bet that the Sugar Bowl Committee would be doing the city of New Orleans a huge disservice if they turned down the cash cow of Notre Dame and instead opted to have all of their already sparse supply of non-flooded couches torched.

   or    ?
Which will help the New Orleans rebuilding project more?

Oh, Song Girls. Words Cannot Describe My Relationship With You

Let's just say that my relationship with the USC Song Girls is marked with peaks and valleys. From day to day, it ranges from soaring admiration and true unselfish love to shock and confusion while yet another 500-yard restraining order is slapped on me in a Los Angeles county courtroom. Yet, throughout these trials and tribulations, I have always remained faithful.

Anywho, the Song Girls restored my faith in songgirldom this afternoon with yet another display of empty-headed ineptitude. I'm sure all of you remember last year's gaffe when a Song Girl cheered for Vince Young's game-winning touchdown, and history found a way to repeat itself today. Witness, if you will, a Song Girl cheering on the UCLA extra point. Sigh. If any of those lovely ladies need a personal tutor in the intricacies of the college football game, well, the House Rock Built Academy for the Advancement of Hot and Really Skinny California Babes in College Football Rules Comprehension (tHRBAoH&RSCBiCFBRC, to the layman) is open 24/7. For serious.