Rogue Bigfoot Hunters Trap and Kill Leprechaun in Northern Indiana

SOUTH BEND - Hot off the heels of their recent capture of Bigfoot in northern Georgia, soldiers of fortune-cum-cryptozoologists Rick Dyer and Matt Whitton made good on their promise to hunt down and bring to justice a veritable who's who of mythical creatures ranging from Sasquatch to the Loch Ness Monster by bagging one of the world's most elusive and intriguing cryptoids, the leprechaun.

In a dramatic outdoor press conference outside of South Bend, IN, the infamous duo posed with their latest prey, stuffed quite ingloriously into a ramshackle freezer. The specimen, a diminutive, five-foot, five-inch bearded hominid with puffy red cheeks and a snappy green suit and cap, appeared quite convincing to the amateur and professional leprechaun enthusiasts in the crowd, although more skeptical cryptozoologists are awaiting further scientific testing on the remains before jumping to any conclusions.

"After thoroughly researching the mythology of the leprechaun and interviewing scores of eyewitnesses, we were able to sketch out a ten-mile range that we suspected comprised the leprechaun's habitat," Whitton remarked, clicking briskly through a PowerPoint presentation for the media on hand. "We noticed an abnormally large of sightings focused around the South Bend and Mishawaka area in Indiana, clustered mainly around an old, ivy-covered region nestled between two lakes that the locals call 'Notra Dayme'. The village folk warned us that it was a mysterious place full of strange religious intrigue full of great peril, but we persevered on into the uncharted areas and saw our stakeout through."

Whitton described spotting the bizarre, tiny magical humanoid creature in the very early hours of Saturday morning staggering out of a local drinking establishment, and the brief but harrowing firefight that ensued. In the end, magic or no magic, the pixie was no match for Whitton and Dyer's arsenal of modified assault rifles and body armor.

Noted cryptozoologist Loren Coleman, editor of Cryptomundo.com, responded with cautious hope about the veracity of the find. "While most contemporary experts on leprechauns felt that their habitat was limited to the hilly Irish countryside or, as some offshoot schools of thought have suggested, Mobile, Alabama, it's easy to see a migratory pattern that would place it in that region of Indiana."

Preliminary DNA tests on some samples from the corpse have been inconclusive, but further analysis will continue.

When asked what's next for the intrepid hunters, Dyer hinted that they are hot on the trail of a very bizarre half-human, half-orange cryptoid that has haunted the wilderness of upstate New York for nearly half a century. "We're closing in on him fast," he remarked, then added with a sly wink, "Don't be surprised if we're calling another press conference reaaaal soon."

Those Rigmas Can Party

This is our first thought when we see Jimmy Clausen and company rocking the red satin jackets. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any references to this particular Zack Morris adventure, so please accept this file photo of the raddest dude in all of Bayside. Getting back to this so-called damning evidence. Certain things must be addressed with regards to the photos objectivity. The photo is clearly the genuine article for a number of reasons. Its clearly broad daylight, and there is nothing better to do in South Bend during the day than play arbitrary drinking games. Yet, the hosts of this party have at least 2 football players in attendance but are only able to get the one pair of ladies to attend. Anyone who argues there are scores of comely lasses out of the frame will be called a fucking liar to the face. Cups table and costumes=sausage party. The word on the street was that this was an official instance of a BeerLympics, and that usually involves a bunch of dudes getting sloppy drunk before the pizza gets delivered. We have yet to confirm which PGA tournament was viewed in concordance with the day's events, but smart money's on The Open. Right before the young lads' ResLife tribunals, we have to hire Dennis Haskins to give them some sort of life-lesson/pep talk type product (methinks Bob Golic would be more appropriate --fightinamish). Please recommend some talking points to pass along to the boys, but remember than TV's Dennis Haskins must follow the official policies of HollywoodIsCalling.com: Your message must be polite, courteous and non-offensive or it will be ignored and replaced by one in which the celebrity simply wishes your client well.

Stay Classy, Mr. B.

PS. Beat Valley.

Irishoutider, formerly the kid at the FireMarkMay compound, is back in the blogosphere and repping his set for the HRB. Back like cooked crack.

"Sarcastic College Football Gameday" To Broadcast Live From Ann Arbor on Saturday

The newest program in ESPN's ever-expanding litany of college football shows will make its series premiere this weekend at one of college football's most hallowed venues, Ann Arbor. The show is called "Sarcastic College Football Gameday", or SCFG for you text-messaging types, and is a weekly, floating-venue live broadcast intended to capture the all-important irony-loving hipster demographic by, paradoxically, spotlighting the most absurdly unimportant game of the week.

"With all of the success of the non-ironic College Football Gameday, it's a natural step to capitalize on the flipside of the market," said ESPN2 spokesperson Tad Beecher. "For every hyperkinetic, frenzied college football crowd going crazy with anticipation for an important rivalry game, there are just as many wholly dejected fanbases paralyzing themselves with alcohol in the parking lot before a game in anticipation of a three hour, mouth-agape gutpunch in a thoroughly-meaningless pillowfight.

"It's about time that we acknowledge those fans too and deliver programming catered specifically for those dejected souls whacked out on the sweet morphine of low expectations."

Sarcastic Gameday's traveling crew: Chip Caray, Fisher DeBerry, and Eric Crouch preview the day's action in front of a tepid and dreary Michigan crowd.

The venue for the inagural show is nothing if not fitting, as nothing quite says "ironic spectacle" like two of college football's most storied football programs meeting winless, unranked, and in nigh-absolute shambles. Throw in the fact that tickets for the game were selling at an average of $696 in the preseason and are now being used by thrifty vagrants as tindling and you've created the perfect storm of hilarious, eye-rolling absurdity.

Hosting the show will re-tread broadcaster Chip Caray, coaching burnout and media lightning rod Fisher DeBerry, and "Where are they now?" white option quarterback Eric Crouch, who form a hapless band of ultra-ironic døpplegangers for the flagship show. For now, the show is sponsored by IKEA, but many have accused the the understated "hipness" of the Swedish furniture company of undercutting the true irony of the show, or even worse of breaking down the fourth wall with a proverbial meta-ironic wink at the audience.

"It's a treat to get to kick off the show in such a terrific venue like the Big House," said Carey, demonstrating a tremendous amount of professionalism by delivering the line without any hint of a sarcastic grin. "These are two great college football teams and two great fanbases. There's going to be an electricity in the air that will be nothing short of amazing.

"And I'm, like, literally not completely talking out of my ass right now," he added before finally giving in to a long-stifled chuckle.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

You Know You Miss The House Rock Built

The House Rock Built has been off the radar recently, and for that I gravely apologize. There are two main reasons for this. First, there's absolutely nothing to report on in these grim weeks of February. Second, chronic alcoholism. Third, Blogger has apparently locked down my site for some sort of anti-spamming campaign. Three! There are THREE reasons I haven't been able to post. First, the grim weeks of February, second, the alcoholism, third, the spam, and fourth, I've been too busy growing mutton chops. FOUR! There are FOUR reasons I haven't been able to post...

Allright, this is getting silly. Here are some pictures of mutton chops to satiate your blood lust. Mutton chops are glorious. Mine are still about a week away from reaching their true potential, but everyone knows the ladies go crazy for chops. My name is Rufus, and that is the Truth-us.

Special Guest Blogger: Nick Saban

I'm taking the afternoon off to get my car out of the impound lot... long story, but my consiglieri advised me it's okay for me to reiterate that all of those spider monkeys in the crates were fully licensed and part of a completely legitimate business arrangement. Anyway, Nick Saban volunteered to guest blog today to keep you savages entertained this lovely Friday morning. Enjoy. -fightinamish

Man Alive, Life is Busy This Time of Year!

Greetings, gentle readers, it's Nick Saban, but you can go ahead and call me Nick, or Nickles, or the Sabe-meister, as all of those are loving sobriquets my dearest of dear friends often use when referring to me in the vocative form. Whatever makes you most comfortable, quite frankly. Fightinamish told me to give you cats a scoop on the life of the Sabe-meister, and I'll be damned if I'm going to hang up the whole mutual enjoyment of it all on formalities surrounding appellations, you hear?

Look at me, I'm getting carried away. You guys really need to let me know if I start carrying on like that, otherwise I'm liable to spend this entire chat session boring you to death with my niceties and the like. So you want to hear about the life of Big Nickles, do you? Well, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it's a billowing bag of crazy, particularly this time of year, what with my big fancy job change and my new digs coaching at the great University of Alabama, God love 'em. How about I give you a whiff of it by giving you a sneak peek at my dayplanner? It's a rare treat, as the Nickster keeps this baby under lock and key most of the year. So have a gander, will you?



As you can see, there's not a single moment that I have to myself as I busy myself with preparations for the next season. Hell, there's hardly even any room for my signature doodles that help me unwind. See, I'm heading out on a big ole recruiting trip next week and hitting up every high school, chatting with the young men, sizing up some talent, and, of course, enjoying me some lovely home cooking from the charming and fascinating mothers of these young men who will be the future of Alabama football.

Let's see here... the 19th is an interview with the Arizona Cardinals, then it's back onto the duties of the head coaching job at the University of Alabama, which, I might add, is the finest head coaching job in college or professionall football, as I tour around some of the great alumni and booster clubs, shaking hands, talking football, and speaking to all these great supporters of the team about the long and prosperous future of the program under Nick Saban. It's going to be a gas, and it will be a great opportunity to show off my devotion to this University of Alabama football coaching legacy that I am just tickled to be the benefactor of. See, there's been some talk that I'm disloyal, which suffice to say is insulting and damaging to my character. I'm looking forward to talking to these folks face to face so I can put to bed once and for all these outlandish rumors and show them how genuine I am.

A quick jaunt over to Tulsa for some more recruiting and a quick sitdown with the University of Tulsa folks, then I'm off to Costa Rica for some R&R. You know, a chance to cool my jets a little bit and clear my mind. I always find it's easier to design the future of a football team in those peaceful and serene surroundings. Plus, my old friend Wayne Huizenga will be stopping by, so we can chat for a few hours about the recently-vacant head coaching gig for the Miami Dolphins, you know, spitball some ideas back and forth. I don't want to send the wrong impression, no sir, I am Alabama for life. However, I'd be doing myself a disservice (and being rude to my dear friend Wayne Huizenga at the same time) if I refused to sit down for an hour or two and get a good sense of what's out there.

But don't get the wrong impression, it's not all fun & games. No sir, once I'm done with my mini-vacation, it's right back to work for the University of Alabama. I'll be moving into my big new office and getting myself nice and comfortable for a real long career coaching at the finest University in the land. I'm shipping my vintage mahogany desk in (I found it in an antique store in Baton Rogue several years ago... it was hand-crafted by Dutch merchants back in the 16th century... a real one-of-a-kind), interviewing for the Oakland Raiders job, getting my voicemail set up, introducing myself to the support staff, familiarizing myself with campus, sending out a few more resumes, touring the practice facilities, and, at the end of the day, settling down at my trusty phone to keep in contact with all the recruits, both from this class and the class of 2008. Whew! No sleep for the wicked, am I right?

After that, it's basically just day-in and day-out stuff... you know, the not-so-glamorous hard work of the coaching job that you probably didn't even know existed. Some fellas over at Viacom will be stopping by to chat with the Sabermeister about their CEO job, which I guess just opened up. Keep in mind, ole coach Nick is Bama for life, but it's always good to check out other markets and at least get an idea of what else is going on in the world, am I right? Coach Nick is probably going to have to do some research about this "Viacom", at least enough to sound like I know what I'm talking about during the interv-... well, let's just call it a friendly meeting.

Well, my my, look at me. I did it again, rambling on and boring you to death. Didn't I tell you to stop me if I started to do that again? Well, no bother. I should probably get moving along, anyway. I'd better get back to my job... I'm going to have to be on top of everything if I'm going to keep this job for the rest of my life. These folks at Bama sure have high expectations, but I promise you I will spend every last waking hour of my life working round the clock to make sure those big dreams come true. Catch you on the flipside, readers. And thanks for letting me jaw with the readers, fightinamish. Hopefully I didn't do such a good job that your readers will be demanding that I write full-time. But, hey, you know who to call if they do.

Carroll and Huizenga Meet for Four Hours in Costa Rican Hot Tub

COSTA RICA - The rumors began flying yesterday when Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga was spotted at Pete Carroll's luxurious tropical bachelor pad in Costa Rica. According to the Associated Press, Carroll and Huizenga spent four hours in intense negotiations in one of Carroll's many hot tubs on his palatial oceanside manor.

"This was the one instance I've come in contact with that has all the elements I have talked about," Carroll said at a news conference on campus. "(Huizenga) has structured a program where the head coach has the entire say, from top to bottom."

When asked if any formal agreement was made on the trip, Carroll declined, citing that the talks had to be broken off at the four hour mark because both were "getting rather pruney".

We'll keep you posted as more develops.

The Ultimate Tailgating Weapon: Pope Benedict Beer

In a story far, far, far too perfect to be ignored by a respectable Notre Dame football blogger, a Bavarian brewery has just released a new, profoundly awesome pope-themed brew. Papst Beer, as it is called, is brewed in Mainz, Germany to commemorate Pope Benedict XIV's return to his hometown on a European tour.

This is an absolute must-have at any respectable Notre Dame tailgate. Beg, borrow, steal, and pay any amount of money to fly some of this out to South Bend. You will be a tailgating legend.

A Tribute to Karl's!

For the first time ever (fact checking? Who needs it? I've got a bunch of loudmouth readers who will give me the business within minutes if I'm wrong), Notre Dame welcomes a head coach named Karl to the House that Rock Built. While the wispy-thin personality-devoid Karl Dorrell is off to an admirable start, he's still got a long way to go if he's going to be make into the pantheon of "Greatest Karls of All Time". Here's a look at his competition:

Karl Childress (a.k.a. "Sling Blade")
	A slow-witted, lumbering sociopath with a strange voice and a disarmingly charming charisma about him, much like Karl Dorrell (except for the disarmingly charming charisma). Until Dorrell hacks a feller up with a kaiser blade to save a struggling child and his mother, we're going to have to give the nod to Billy Bob.
Advantage: Karl Childress
Karl Marx (Father of Modern Socialism)
	Brazen, outspoken, iconoclastic and idealistic. He wrote the rules on the new world order in a post-industrialist era, and probably could drink vodka with the best of them. Marx is the owner of one of the most recognizable beards in the modern era, whereas I'm pretty sure it would take Karl Dorrell ten years to grow sideburns and one of those cheezy chinstrap beards. Have to give the nod to Marx here.
Advantage: Karl Marx
Karl Malone (Professional Wrestler and Mailman who did a stint in the NBA)
	A Renaissance man if ever there was one. One day, he's a taciturn hard-working superhero on the basketball courts. The next day, a cheap-shotting public service announcement-giving zen master who drives an 18-wheeler in the offseason and will likely someday be elected governer of some backwater state. Karl Dorrell has a long way to go to fill these shoes.
Advantage: Karl Malone
Karl Hungus (Nihilist, kidnapper, porn star, and frontman for the timeless nu-wave trio Autobahn)
	Another jack-of-all-trades, this shaggy-haired German nihilist has built an impressive film career by starring in such epics as "Logjammin". His famous quotes "Miene dispatcher says there is problem mit deine kable" and "Ve believe in nothing!" are as true today as they were the day they were uttered. He'll make you forget about that farm in Kansas, that's for sure.
Advantage: Karl Hungus
Karl Rove (Boy Genius, Political Mastermind, Space Emperor)
	When he's not conquering the world, destroying his enemies, or generally making the world a better place, Rove spends his quiet personal hours stalking and terrorizing fellow Notre Dame blogger Marco. It's a tough choice between Dorrell and Rove, but I think the ultimate tiebreaker is who you'd rather have your daughter go out on a date with. My only concern is that Rove would very likely drive off in an unmarked black SUV and sell my daughter's organs on the Bangkok black market, whereas Dorrell would probably take her to a coffee shop and tell her boring stories about his cats. I think it's a no-brainer.
Advantage: Karl Dorrell

Well, there you have it. Keep in mind, a big-time road win in what could probably be argued as the biggest road trip of his career would do wonders for moving his way up this distinguished list. Here's hoping he doesn't.

Friday Night Lites - Bringing the Hate

On a very touching Friday Night Lites, we preview the Michigan State game by having a chat with The Enlightened Spartan, then wrap things up with a chat with the House Rock Built's consiglieri Captain Eclectic, who gives a personal account of the life of a tortured Domer hailing from that awful, awful state of Michigan. You want highlights? Here's some highlights:

• We answer the timeless question... after you have sex with a girl, is it impolite to plant a flag in the middle of her bedroom? (Answer: hell no!)
• For some reason, there is some mention of dead fetuses. What the hell is this show coming to?
• We test the education the Enlightened Spartan received at his Agricultural College. The results are less than impressive (he doesn't even know how many gallons of milk the average dairy cow produces in a day).
• We do John L. Smith impersonations. These players are working their backsides off, but the goddamn coaching staff is screwing it all up!
• Speaking of John L. Smith, we found his love parents:
  
  

  Dick Vitale

  +

  Sling Blade

  =

  John L. Smith

And updated Lightning Round stats. Two big hitters today:

Lightning Round Leaderboard
The Enlightened Spartan	5
Captain Eclectic	5
Brian (mgoblog)	5
Yost (The M Zone)	5
Mike (Fire Mark May)	5
Jay (Blue-Gray Sky)	4
Orson (EDSBS)	4

Enjoy, you savages!


MP3 File

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