Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Indisputable Evidence: Ride that Coaching Carousel

The mighty hammer of vengeance has fallen heavily this last week, cleanly cleaving inept, incompotent, and downright unbalanced head coaches from their jobs with voracious fury and nigh-indiscriminate bloodlust. As we enter the weeks of obsessive plane-watching, rumermongering, and of course the obligatory Gary Barnett withdrawing his name from consideration, it's important that we take a second to look back on those fallen coaches who are soon to be unemployed, dead in a bathtub, or, worse yet, locked in a studio with Bob Davie for hours.

Alas, we here at the House Rock Built thought it would be a fitting tribute to the washouts of the big show to gather them together, pretty them up, and have a bachelor auction for fired coaches, Indisputable Evidence style. So get your checkbooks ready, because it's time to meet our bachelors. Remember, all proceeds go to charity, so dig deep people. Let's have a look-see, shall we?

Mike Shula

Larry Coker

John L. Smith

Chuck Amato
Done in by:

Crusty octogenarian with sunburnt jowls Mal Moore.

Batty-looking disciplinarian and Clinton employee Donna Shalala

Mustachioed hockey coach and ne'er-do-well Ron Mason

Lee Fowler, another long in the tooth Athletic Director with a silver stache.
Advantage: Larry Coker
Sweet Cheese Buyout:
$4 Million
$3 Million
$1.5 Million
Advantage: Mike Shula
Tasty Arm Candy:

The alarmingly fertile blonde bombshell Shari Shula.

Squiggles, a charming hairless cat that has been his lifelong companion.

Naive yet spiritually-connected squaw from the Powhatan Nation*.

Definitely not these girls. Which is sad.
Advantage: Mike Shula
Nickname I'd Give Him if he Coached Notre Dame:
The Masked Geneticist
The Hairless Wingnut
The Great White Hate from the Potato State
The Big Molly from Raleigh
Advantage: John L. Smith
Celebrity Doppleganger

Brick Tamlin
(HT: Orson)

Uncle Fester


Ironically, Donna Shalala
Advantage: Chuck Amato

* Editor's Note: Our research team indicates we may have him confused with another John Smith

So there you have it, ladies and germs. It looks like Mike Shula squeaks out a win with two points to everybody else's one. I'm serious about that Chuck Amato - Donna Shalala thing. Take a serious look and tell me they're not... like, at least fraternal twins. It's spooky.

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At 3:28 AM, Blogger Clashmore said...

uncle fester really is a great doppleganger.. and christopher lloyd in general. not bad.

i've never heard donna shalala speak.. from now on, when i hear her quotes, i'll forever use amato's distinct voice in my head.

At 8:03 AM, Anonymous jeremy said...

Alright, I've been lurking on this blog all year and it's time to make my first post and kiss some ass.

I'm a Michigan fan through and through, but I think this blog is fantastic. I lost it at the Pocahontas reference and almost got in trouble with my co-workers.

When I went to Columbus, I printed out your version of the UM Dean's advice for students and brought it along; it got some huge laughs.

So keep up the good work. Humor is bipartisan and you're making strides on both sides of the aisle.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger gwzimm said...

You know, some of the coaches who were fired (Johnelsmith) deserved it. But look at what Shula and Coker did.

Shuler took over a program on probabtion, loss of scholarships, etc., and yet managed to put a credible team on the field.

Coker won a national championship (how many7 did Schembecler ever win?) went to another championship game, won 80% of his games over six years. Is that bad? Sure, he recruited thugs, but that's Miami.

Niether deserved his fate. Both should get good assignments in the future. In the meantime, I hope they enjoy their severance packages and may the wicked dwarh Donna Shanana burn for all eternity

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous jeremy said...

gwzimm, that was asinine and unnecessary. Assuming that national championships and records are the only measure of success for a coach like "Schembecler" is ignorant and laughable.

At 10:09 AM, Blogger gwzimm said...

Oh really? What's more important than finishing as Number 1? I thought that was the goal. Certainly Shemp's record in bowl games is no barometer of immortailty!

At 11:25 AM, Anonymous captaineclectic said...

Boys, boys, settle down. The shot at Schembechler was a little much given the classiness of Jeremy's first comment.

Coker deserved it. The title in his first year and the trip to the game in his second were with the Butch Davis juggernaut--I think seven of the two-deep on the DL are now in the NFL. Just a sick team. He then proceeded to get clobbered in the recruiting wars for three straight years by Zook, and, hey presto, go 6-6.

I'm not sure what I think about firing Shula, but I'm sure Alabama's thankful that he's, um, bereft of pigmentation.

At 1:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy said...


At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Ben said...

Can we get a larger picture of Amato's arm candy?

At 3:36 PM, Blogger gwzimm said...

Evidently I struck someone's nerve with my comments about Bo Schembeckler. Well, my point is that he is not exactly someone who should be enshrined in the pantheon of college coaches. After all, what did he ever really do? He never won a national championship, to my recollection he only won one bowl game, so what else is there?

Some would say, "well he won x-number of Big 10 championships." Big deal. That just means he could beat up on Illinois, Indiana, Minnesota, et al.

Sorry for the offense, please don't take it personally, and it's just one man's opinion.

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous captaineclectic said...

He's basically Michigan's JoePa, but with less success. I wouldn't put him in the top ten, if that's more or less the "pantheon."

At 4:34 PM, Blogger gwzimm said...

fair enough

At 10:36 PM, Anonymous jeremy said...

What did he ever do to YOU, that affected YOUR life and YOUR team (via championships etc)? You're right; very little.

In the coaching world he may not be near the top ten, but as a Michigan Man, the way he led and coached and affected people, he was the best there possibly can be. And I'll admit it's hard for me to look past that or judge his accomplishments objectively.

At 1:05 AM, Blogger fightinamish said...

Bo actually didn't do much of anything to affect MY team via championships. He lost six times to the Irish.

At 7:28 AM, Anonymous jeremy said...

Yeah, that's what I'm sayin', fightinamish.

At 11:42 AM, Anonymous GeronimoRumplestiltskin said...

Hilarious piece...

I think Shula got fired for the same reason all 'Bama fans eventually turn on their coach: he wasn't Bear Bryant. I also think that ineffective offense contributed; fans don't like to see their team lose, but it compounds the problem to be bored silly while doing it...

I would tend to agree with captaineclectic's appraisal of Coker's dismissal. Coker needed to have a big year after bowl game pasting last year and instead his team imploded over the first half of the season. Also, in the wake of that all-kinds-of-ugly brawl, it's easier to fire the coach than the whole team.

John L. Smith? Has any coach in college football done less with more that him? I mentioned to my fiance before the ND-MSU game this year that the Spartan are, year in and year out, the mentally weakest team in football. They then proceeded to emphatically prove my point.

As to Amato, I had no idea that folks at NC State cared enough about football to notice whether or not the team was underachieving.

jeremy - In case you were unaware of ND fans' and alumni's distaste for Bo, now you know. It is well documented that Ara Parseghian used to send players that could not get into ND (I don't intend this as a slam of UM's admission policies; ND, with a much smaller student body, just has stricter ones, that's all) northward to Michigan (ND did not play UM at the time, nor would they in a bowl game, and Ara was concerned with keeping these players away from anyone on his schedule). Bo, in return, never had a kind word for ND. The criticism of his record is that he did not win an NC, went 2-8 in Rose Bowls, and 5-12 in bowl games overall. He was 4-6 against ND, and only 2-5 against ND coaches not named Gerry Faust.

However, in defense of Bo, he took a proud program that was down in the dumps and returned it to the Top 10. While he struggled in the Rose Bowl, so did the entire Big 10 during his tenure (4-17). While he was an SOB in regards to ND, Michigan fans and players are replete with stories of how he was a positive impact in their lives and to their university. While I had no affection for the man, I hope he rests in peace, a hope I have for us all....

I hate to post and run, but my boss actually expects me to do actual "work", a demand I find highly unreasonable....

God bless,


At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is marginally humorous

At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am beginning to believe that not even Bear Bryant could live up to the expectations of Bama fans.

At 3:16 PM, Blogger gwzimm said...


well said!

At 3:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy said...

No worries, geronimoetc. I understand the distaste, but I didn't like the context or timeliness of this jab, so I jabbed back.

I loved the anticipation every year of the point when John L. (OMG more like Jon LLLL) Smith's squad would shit the bed and have a 1-6 stretch. Even Minnesota has lost the game after the Michigan game for 14 years in a row now, but MSU's skid has been far more painful (and therefore more fun to watch).

I don't really look forward to when they're a competitive team again; ND and OSU have contributed to my ulcer enough as it is. Sparty's perpetual ineptitude was always hilarious though. That Mike Valenti clip will never get old.



At 8:29 AM, Blogger gwzimm said...

Shari Shula......cavity search


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