Most... Insane... Thing... Ever.

Orson found... uh, this. It made me do such a violent spit take that cottage cheese shot out of my nose, and I wasn't even eating cottage cheese at the time. Read and watch at your own risk.

The House Rock Built is Deep Undercover

Well, ladies, it's football season, so it's time for The House Rock Built to emerge from his watery lair at the bottom of the swamp and entertain you kiddos for another fantastic football season. My first assignment? A dangerous secret mission deep in the heart of enemy territory. That's right, clones, The House Rock built is currently holed up in a hotel in none other than Ann Arbor, Michigan. But don't worry, readers, I made sure I was up to date on my immunizations before I stepped foot in this lovely hamlet (she is a whore, you know...)

A routine business trip put your enterprising editor right in the belly of the beast, and so far the subterfuge is going well. So far I've hoisted some pints with mgoblog at the local speak-easy, gave a loving vaffangulo gesture to the Big House as I drove by, impregnated several Wolverine co-eds, and, most importantly, I'm currently in the process of getting my smoking room at the Holiday Inn Express condemned by plowing through three packs of Parliament lights while blogging. I'm doing this for all of you. You're very welcome.

Anyway, so far I've survived. Any requests for specific defacement of the Michigan campus can be made in the comments. I can't promise I'll get to all of them (I can only muster up so many deuces, dammit. I'm not a machine), but I'll give it my best shot.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

Happy Mardi Gras!

To all my Catholic readers out there, I hope everybody has a happy Mardi Gras! For those of you in warm climates, go flash your hooters at some random people and get some beads, and Laissez les bon temps rouler! For you Chicagoans, I would like to strongly discourage any of that behavior, what with the brutal cold and all. I lifted up my shirt for a bunch of soririty girls and now I'm rushing to the hospital with my left nipple packed in ice hoping against hope that they'll be able to reattach it.

Anyway, I'll be out this morning, but I should be back online this afternoon depending how the surgery goes. Keep an eye out for the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" camera crews. Incidentally, Zach Braff's co-star John C. McGinley looks like he's lined up some work playing Jared Zabransky in "Boise State! (The Musical)".

You didn't see me at the Convention in Berlin? That's because I videoconferenced.

Happy V-Day Quickies

Hope everybody had a great Valentine's Day. The House Rock Built celebrated the holiday by getting buck-assed drunk and performing the Vagina Monologues on a street corner in downtown Chicago. Except for the frostbite, it was a good time as always.

• Pardon Our Upgrades. Right, so the site has switched over to the Google/Blogger Beta and while I'm resistant to change, I suppose I can deal with the trauma of categories and whatnot. I'm currently leafing through the back posts and adding labels retroactively. It''s going to be a long process, but I'm excited about it. The most popular label so far? "Recruiting" with 13. The second most? "Urban Meyer is a Weasely Bastard" with 8. Maybe I'm getting predictable...
  
  You'll also notice some advertisements sprinkled about the site. I'm using this offseason to see if sprinkling in some Google advertising will completely wreck the aesthetics of the site or if it will in any way be profitable. Both of those answers are still pending, and I'll likely be tweaking the look of the front page until I find a nice harmony of the appearance of the site and any possible beer money that can come out of it. There's also a link on the sidebar for a jersey & apparel affiliate shop, so if you're going to be buying any jerseys or Notre Dame wear, you can do so and finance the crack habit of your favorite blogger at the same time.
  
  Anyway, the bottom line is that I will be slowly trying to integrate some revenue-type things into the blog without completely becoming a sellout. It's a work in progress and there might be some trial & error in the process.
  
  
  I didn't sell out, son. I bought in. You remember that.



• Rule 3-2-5-e is dead. Everybody has pitched in with glowing praise of this decision, so I'll save you the trouble of reading another raving anti-3-2-5-e rant, as Blue-Gray, EDSBS, and Brian over at the Fanhouse have already dedicated some serious prose to the subject. I'm just happy it's over and am looking forward to the day when 3-2-5-e is just a distant memory and my wide-eyed grandchildren ask me what it was like to live through the awful year it existed.
  
  
  Jamais plus, man. Jamais plus.
  
  
• Notre Dame Girls are Ugly. A funny little story, but seriously, Cook, the Alan Grant-esque commentary is as contrived as a Tobias Fünke Vagina Monologue.



• The Orgeron is Going National. Coach O has done it again, this time in opening a nationwide chain of family restaurants. I had the chickunwaffa there last night, and other than the severed finger on my plate, it was quite tasty.
  
  
  Comminsoontoa CITYNyEAhY'ALL!
  
  
• These Dogbook posts take a long, long, long time to do.

That's all for now, kids. See ya tomorrow.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Offense Skill Positions

There is a fine tradition at Notre Dame (although I'm not sure it's still going on, what with these crazy kids and their internets these days) called the "Freshman Register", which all alumns know by it's more endearing shorthand sobriquet: The Dogbook. A charming little guidebook you get when you register as a freshman that has a picture and short description of everyone in the freshman class. Suffice to say, it was incredibly useful in trolling for ass, stalking classmates, and verifying the fugliness of the girl you're about to be set up on a blind date with (hence the name).

Anyway, here's your recruiting class of 2007 Dogbook, complete with photos, a brief summary of the recruit, wisdom from the wise prophet Anagramaticus, and a bonus YouTube clip to illustrate the new player's impact. Big Uglies and Defense will be going up tomorrow.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Offense Skill Positions

Jimmy Clausen, QB, Westlake Village, CA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'3, 195
	Anagramaticus Says: "Is Jammy Uncle"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Nine Angry Drunk Vikings, an artichoke, and a Zeppelin.
The Lowdown: The crowned prince of prep football, the lord, the savior, the allmighty. Without a doubt the most hyped recruit in ages, and, hand-in-hand with that overexposure comes crushingly impossible expectations and the derision of rival fans the world around. To his credit, Clausen is an extremely polished passer whose mechanics, arm strength, and precision are much more seasoned than one would ever expect from a strapping youngster. His biggest challenge will be to learn how to deal with the pressure and speed of the college game (Clausen played on a veritable All-Star team in a smallish conference in California, and thus was hardly ever hurried in his entire career) and to read more advanced defenses. Oh, there's also the challenge of living up to his ridiculously-overblown billing. All in all though, he will be the cornerstone of Charlie Weis' offense for several years. Will he be ready to take over the vacant QB job this offseason? Only time will tell. Clausen is an early enrollee who is currently practicing with the team, so he'll have all spring to compete for the job. Bonus YouTube Footage: "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West. It's just too easy to draw the comparison.

Robert Hughes, RB, Chicago, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 5'11, 228, 4.6
	Anagramaticus Says: "Huge Brothers"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and a Polish Sausage.
The Lowdown: Robert Hughes is a load. Think "charging buffalo", but with 4.6 speed. While Notre Dame has recruited its fair share of shifty finesse backs in recent years, there really has been an absence of a true power running back who is willing to get dirty between the tackles. Meet Robert Hughes. Hughes has great speed for the massive frame he carries, and was a holy terror in the Chicago Public league, laying waste to hapless defenders like the one pictured here. Securing Hughes' commitment was the first job of new Irish Defensive Coordinator Corwin Brown, who used his own connections with the CPL to earn the trust of Hughes. With the tailback position wide open, you can probably expect to see Hughes as a situational back when the sledding gets tough. Bonus YouTube Footage: A video of Robert Earl Hughes, a one-time record-holder for world's fattest man.

Armando Allen, RB, Hialeah, FL
	Height/Weight/40: 5'10", 185, 4.35
	Anagramaticus Says: "Mad, Anal Loner"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a Habañero Pepper, and a Bitchiin' Alfa Romeo.
The Lowdown: Speed demon, through and through. Armando Allen had the fastest 40 time of any prospect last year, and runs an honest-to-god, non-wind-aided, non-hand-timed 4.35. The 40 is a fairly subjective and often misleading statistic, but rest assured that Armando is "play-tennis-against-yourself" fast. He also enrolled early, so he'll be a new face to watch for at the spring game. Allen played in one of Miami's roughest and most competitive conferences, and still managed to average nearly ten yards per touch. He's a home-run hitting breakaway threat. Bonus YouTube Footage: How fast is Armando Allen? Mount a camera on the front of a motorcycle and drive 190 MPH. That should begin to give you an idea.

Golden Tate, WR/Athlete, Hendersonville, TN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'0", 180, 4.4
	Anagramaticus Says: "Gentle Toad"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a Habañero Pepper, and a Golden Globe Award.
The Lowdown: His name is Golden. His high school team used Notre Dame's uniforms and golden helmets. Is anybody surprised about his college decision? Tate has breakaway speed, great ball-hawking instincts, and so much raw athleticism that he can play just about any skill position he wants. He has officially signed as a receiver, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him switch over to cornerback for his college career, plus I'm sure he'll at least get a look at the kick returning squad as well. Tate is a big-time competitor, and apparently a bit of a prankster, too. Rumor has it he sent a text message to the coaching staff on National Signing Day advising he had withdrawn his commitment moments before faxing over his letter of intent. Now, that's a uniquely cruel joke considering what went down on signing day, but, hey, laughter is the best medicine. Bonus YouTube Footage: Jurassic 5's "What's Golden?". This is just too easy.

Duval Kamara, WR, Hoboken, NJ
	Height/Weight/40: 6'3", 190
	Anagramaticus Says: "Alarm a Kudva"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and two Indian Rhinoceri.
The Lowdown: Big, mean, and rangy. Originally, Notre Dame fans were excited about the prospect of adding Kamara, Arrelius Benn, and Greg Little to an unprecedentedly-awesome receiver haul, but Little jumped on signing day and Benn inexplicably went the way of the Zooker. However, Kamara is a huge prize and will become the top target in the receiving corps possibly right out of the gate, as there is currently a vacancy on the roster for a big, sure-handed receiving threat. Kamara committed all the way back in May, so the recruiting hype machine that escalates over the year never really got rolling for him. He is, however, one of the top receivers in the country and will be a huge asset during his career at Notre Dame. I can't wait to see him haul in his first jump-ball for a touchdown. Bonus YouTube Footage: Why is Duval such a kickass name? Because Robert Duvall kicks ass. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Mike Ragone, TE, Cherry Hills, NJ
	Height/Weight/40: 6'5", 230, 4.45
	Anagramaticus Says: "A Minor Geek"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, an African Elephant, and the Jersey Devil.
The Lowdown: Yet another Jersey kid signing with Coach Weis. It's impressive how Weis has turned the talent-rich state into a pipeline for Notre Dame. Of course, a stable of huge, athletic tight ends from New Jersey is becoming de rigueur at the Golden Dome, and Ragone is doing his part to keep the tradition alive. One of the nation's top tight end prospects, he has the size and speed to develop into a real presence in the midfield seams during his career. Bonus YouTube Footage: The Prides of New Jersey: The Boss, Athletic Notre Dame Tight Ends, and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Welcome to the team, lads. Big Uglies and Defensive players will be up tomorrow (hopefully).

Your 2006 All-Hairmericans

It's awards season, and while I generally disagree with handing out awards before the postsesason, the All-Hairmerican is pretty much won or lost during the regular season, as I can't really remember a time when someone came from off the radar with an awesome hairdo for their bowl game. Then again, it migh be a cool motivational strategy to have your team entire run out of the tunnel with dreadlock wigs underneath their helmets. That might work better than green jerseys.

Anyway, thanks to all my readers who submitted their candidates this year and pointed out some under-the-radar Hairmericans. Big props to Nick at WTTO who compiled the High School Bad Hair Awards. Nick is doing the yeoman's work of being the Tom Lemming of All-Hairmericans, tirelessly scouting the prep school ranks for future standouts. As you can see, there's a lot of potential for the class of '11, but there's no such thing as a sure thing. Injuries, stress-induced allopecia, and head-shaving hazing will likely keep many of these budding stars from reaching their full All-Hairmerican potential in their college careers.

And now, the list!:

Offense

Quarterback
Syvelle Newton South Carolina
Running Back
Jason Laumoli Hawaii
Marshawn Lynch Cal
Tight End
Trent Pupello Florida
Wide Receiver
Frantz Hardy Nebraska
Marcus Monk Arkansas
Offensive Line
Tala Esera Hawaii
Palauni Ma Sun Oregon

---

Defense

Defensive Line
	Xzavie Jackson Missouri
	Brent Curvey Iowa State
Linebacker
	Stewart Bradley Nebraska
	Brian Crum Florida
	Phillip Wheeler Georgia Tech
Cornerback
	Michael Malala Hawaii
	J.R. Hair Greensboro College
Safety
	Tom Zbikowski Notre Dame
	Reggie Nelson Florida

Ducks Unveil New Uniform for Vegas Bowl

If you can't beat 'em on the field, then beat 'em with your fashion sense, that's what Phil Knight always says. After an up and down year for the Oregon Ducks, one certainly has to worry about the team's morale heading into their showdown in Las Vegas in bowl season. Well, fear not Ducks fans. What better motivational tool is there than busting out snazzy new jerseys? Check out these Nike-designed getups that will dazzle the spectators in Sin City this December:

Indisputable Evidence: Ride that Coaching Carousel

The mighty hammer of vengeance has fallen heavily this last week, cleanly cleaving inept, incompotent, and downright unbalanced head coaches from their jobs with voracious fury and nigh-indiscriminate bloodlust. As we enter the weeks of obsessive plane-watching, rumermongering, and of course the obligatory Gary Barnett withdrawing his name from consideration, it's important that we take a second to look back on those fallen coaches who are soon to be unemployed, dead in a bathtub, or, worse yet, locked in a studio with Bob Davie for hours.

Alas, we here at the House Rock Built thought it would be a fitting tribute to the washouts of the big show to gather them together, pretty them up, and have a bachelor auction for fired coaches, Indisputable Evidence style. So get your checkbooks ready, because it's time to meet our bachelors. Remember, all proceeds go to charity, so dig deep people. Let's have a look-see, shall we?

Mike Shula	Larry Coker	John L. Smith	Chuck Amato
Done in by:
Crusty octogenarian with sunburnt jowls Mal Moore.	Batty-looking disciplinarian and Clinton employee Donna Shalala	Mustachioed hockey coach and ne'er-do-well Ron Mason	Lee Fowler, another long in the tooth Athletic Director with a silver stache.
Advantage: Larry Coker
Sweet Cheese Buyout:
$4 Million	$3 Million	$1.5 Million	$555,000
Advantage: Mike Shula
Tasty Arm Candy:
The alarmingly fertile blonde bombshell Shari Shula.	Squiggles, a charming hairless cat that has been his lifelong companion.	Naive yet spiritually-connected squaw from the Powhatan Nation*.	Definitely not these girls. Which is sad.
Advantage: Mike Shula
Nickname I'd Give Him if he Coached Notre Dame:
The Masked Geneticist	The Hairless Wingnut	The Great White Hate from the Potato State	The Big Molly from Raleigh
Advantage: John L. Smith
Celebrity Doppleganger
Brick Tamlin (HT: Orson)	Uncle Fester	Curly	Ironically, Donna Shalala
Advantage: Chuck Amato

* Editor's Note: Our research team indicates we may have him confused with another John Smith

So there you have it, ladies and germs. It looks like Mike Shula squeaks out a win with two points to everybody else's one. I'm serious about that Chuck Amato - Donna Shalala thing. Take a serious look and tell me they're not... like, at least fraternal twins. It's spooky.