In which the metaphor is extended

I can be accused of having many opinions on Notre Dame football. All of them equally passionate, fleeting, and vociferous. I slide in and out of them so quickly and completely, that there are times when even I can't explain my point of view because there are traces of past perspectives across the board, leaving me, in a sense, everywhere at once. Anyway, before I continue the genocide of commas set off by my blogging co-defendant, let me get to my argument of the breadth and depth of the fucked-up-ed-ness of the situation.

There is constant analysis and navelgazing of virtually every Notre Dame decision of the past 10 (30?) years, all of them centering around choice. Who had the power to choose? When did they have it? How did they come to their decision? I would like to step back from this exercise in futility, no one can ever really know what was on (or not on) the minds of the so-called "Powers That Be" so much as no one can ever really explain to me how decisions are really made at Notre Dame. The real question is what is the choice Jack Swarbrick had to make for Notre Dame?

At the end of it all, Jack Swarbrick had to choose between Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.



Regardless of your opinion of the breadth and depth of the available coaching pool, and such analysis has firmly become its own internet niche, the point is that there are precious few coaches that can improve the program beyond what Charlie Weis has built. What the program so sorely needed was a reconstruction from the ground up, and in these efforts no one can fault Charlie. 8 years of heartless coaching and sheer arrogance had rendered the program a smoldering pile of ashes in the freezing South Bend winter. The talent myth has been broken. The facilities myth is buried under 20 million dollars of weight rooms and trophy cases. Notre Dame is a destination for recruits as long as there is confidence in the program. Its really hard for Charlie to keep flashing those Super Bowl rings when my even my grandmother has to hear speculation about this Brian Kelly person on WGN.

So, on most tangible metrics, Charlie Weis is our guy. Of course, on-field performance and its related perks are still in neglect, but how different is that from anything else here in year 12 of the post Holtz era? I guess this is the real point driving the issue. Notre Dame has finally finally finally FINALLY gotten most of the pieces in place, but we've locked ourself in to a situation that can only be fully described as sub-optimal. Weis has not been able to show that he can improve upon raw offensive talent, and his fatal flaw of over tweaking to the point of Decided Schematic Failure is obvious. Even in his staff improvements, he has not proven that he can be an anything more than a glorified recruiter/QB coach.

But, with all of the evidence at hand, and rather large stakes, what decision was there to make? Most decisions would have cost Notre Dame a great degree of capital. In terms of money, there was the buyout. In terms of public image, the school was unprepared to do anything more than unleash the Keystone Cops on the coaching carousel. In terms of recruiting, a lot was at stake to maintain the momentum Weis has built the last 4 years. All of these costs, regardless of respective size and importance, factored in to the effective price of the decision, and despite our combined hopes and dreams for the program, none of them include an athletic director that fails to see the proper risk/reward. Chasing good money with bad money got Notre Dame into this mess so many years ago, and believing that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result is the very definition of insanity.

Those Rigmas Can Party

This is our first thought when we see Jimmy Clausen and company rocking the red satin jackets. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any references to this particular Zack Morris adventure, so please accept this file photo of the raddest dude in all of Bayside. Getting back to this so-called damning evidence. Certain things must be addressed with regards to the photos objectivity. The photo is clearly the genuine article for a number of reasons. Its clearly broad daylight, and there is nothing better to do in South Bend during the day than play arbitrary drinking games. Yet, the hosts of this party have at least 2 football players in attendance but are only able to get the one pair of ladies to attend. Anyone who argues there are scores of comely lasses out of the frame will be called a fucking liar to the face. Cups table and costumes=sausage party. The word on the street was that this was an official instance of a BeerLympics, and that usually involves a bunch of dudes getting sloppy drunk before the pizza gets delivered. We have yet to confirm which PGA tournament was viewed in concordance with the day's events, but smart money's on The Open. Right before the young lads' ResLife tribunals, we have to hire Dennis Haskins to give them some sort of life-lesson/pep talk type product (methinks Bob Golic would be more appropriate --fightinamish). Please recommend some talking points to pass along to the boys, but remember than TV's Dennis Haskins must follow the official policies of HollywoodIsCalling.com: Your message must be polite, courteous and non-offensive or it will be ignored and replaced by one in which the celebrity simply wishes your client well.

Stay Classy, Mr. B.

PS. Beat Valley.

Irishoutider, formerly the kid at the FireMarkMay compound, is back in the blogosphere and repping his set for the HRB. Back like cooked crack.

Happy Man-Christmas!

It's Man-Christmas, the most wonderful day of the year. So kick your wife and kids out of the house, call up the girlfriend or mistress and tell her you've got plans, and tell the boss you've got an offsite breakfast meeting or something, because tonight we dine in hell... with NCAA 08.

Early reactions after one day of gameplay: it's totally sweet. There's a lot more juking controls, which results in a lot more long touchdowns and hilariously embarassing defense. My second best moment of the night? Blocking an extra point and taking it to the house for two points. My best moment? Screaming and dancing up and down while pelvic thrusting in the general direction of irishoutsider on the other couch seconds after said PAT housing. It's gonna be a great year.

Just as a quick bit of trivia, EA Sports has solved the quarterback controversy at Notre Dame by pegging the starting quarterback as... Zach Frazer. Oops. Way to be on top of the game with that one, EA. Personally, I threw Demetrius Jones in there and tore everything up with the knifewrench attack.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

You're All So Ripe for Parody

If you've never visited The Dugout, you've probably noticed a vast emptiness in your life. It's a hilarious website that posts fictional Instant Messenger conversations between baseball players, but the true genius of the entire site is the fake "screennames" they come up with for the players. Some are obvious (Ian Snell is "OohThatSnell"), while some require a bit more thinking (Ken Griffey, Jr. is "Elijah_Prince", for Samuel L. Jackson's injury-prone character in "Unbreakable"), but all of them are quite hilarious.

This year's Blue Gold game served as an inspiration for the House Rock Built, as well as several drunken companions (namely Irish Outsider) trying to come up with maximally-humorous screen names for this year's team. Some were funny, some weren't, but the entire exercise left us quite entertained for the duration of the rather boring game. For your enjoyment, I've put together the greatest hits of that drunken afternoon. Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments. It might be a good idea to remember these, as there's a pretty good chance I'll refer to these players almost exclusively by these names throughout the rest of the season.

James Aldridge	AldridgeThatEndsDridge	Joe Brockington	Brock_The_Casbah
Evan Sharpley	a_scanner_sharpley	George West	George_By_Georgewest
Konrad Reuland	der_Konradssar	D.J. Hord	HordHaveMercy
Dan Wenger	Wenger_Chunger	David Grimes	GrimesWithOrange
Asaph Schwapp	Wife_Schwapping	Will Yeatman	Cannibals_Yeatman
Luke Schmidt	SchmidtHappens	Jimmy Clausen	JC_Superstar

You Know You Miss The House Rock Built

The House Rock Built has been off the radar recently, and for that I gravely apologize. There are two main reasons for this. First, there's absolutely nothing to report on in these grim weeks of February. Second, chronic alcoholism. Third, Blogger has apparently locked down my site for some sort of anti-spamming campaign. Three! There are THREE reasons I haven't been able to post. First, the grim weeks of February, second, the alcoholism, third, the spam, and fourth, I've been too busy growing mutton chops. FOUR! There are FOUR reasons I haven't been able to post...

Allright, this is getting silly. Here are some pictures of mutton chops to satiate your blood lust. Mutton chops are glorious. Mine are still about a week away from reaching their true potential, but everyone knows the ladies go crazy for chops. My name is Rufus, and that is the Truth-us.

Happy Mardi Gras!

To all my Catholic readers out there, I hope everybody has a happy Mardi Gras! For those of you in warm climates, go flash your hooters at some random people and get some beads, and Laissez les bon temps rouler! For you Chicagoans, I would like to strongly discourage any of that behavior, what with the brutal cold and all. I lifted up my shirt for a bunch of soririty girls and now I'm rushing to the hospital with my left nipple packed in ice hoping against hope that they'll be able to reattach it.

Anyway, I'll be out this morning, but I should be back online this afternoon depending how the surgery goes. Keep an eye out for the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" camera crews. Incidentally, Zach Braff's co-star John C. McGinley looks like he's lined up some work playing Jared Zabransky in "Boise State! (The Musical)".

You didn't see me at the Convention in Berlin? That's because I videoconferenced.

Notre Dame Gets Yet Another Golic

Notre Dame added its first commitment of the class of 2008, locking up the eponymous son of former Irish star and current radio personality Mike Golic. I always say you can never have enough Golics, just ask the producers of Saved By The Bell: The College Years

Bob Golic, the Knute Rockne of the modern mullet.

Your 2007 Dogbook: Defensive Skill Positions

At long last, here is part three of the Class of 2007 Dogbook.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Defensive Skill Positions

Brandon Walker, K/P, Findlay, OH
	Height/Weight/40: 62", 190
	Anagramaticus Says: "Warn Dark Noble"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Five Angry Drunk Vikings and two bucking Mules.
The Lowdown: Proving Newton's Law of Conservation of Walkers, Notre Dame locked up a replacement Walker weeks after Darius announced he was heading for the NFL. Granted, Brandon's skillset isn't exactly the same as young Darius', but he has an opportunity to contribute at a kicking position that is wide open going into 2007. Walker was a bit of a curious pickup. A late acquisition after he decommitted from Louisville after Bobby Petrino left for the NFL, a lot of Irish fans were curious about the logic behind giving another kicker a scholarship after Ryan Burkhart was signed last year. The instant speculation is that Burkhart hasn't developed as planned in his first year in South Bend, and having another kicker, if for no other reason than to provide more competition for the position, is important to maximizing the productivity in the kicking game. In 2007, Walker will have a shot to compete for the placekicking duties, and after Geoff Price leaves next year, he'll have a shot at the punting duties, too. Bonus YouTube Footage: Walker Texas Ranger beating somebody's ass. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Brian Smith, ILB, Overland Park, KS
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 230, 4.7
	Anagramaticus Says: "Bash in Trim"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a soybean, and a Wheel of Pain.
The Lowdown: Brian Smith is a great example of how a change in defensive philosophy makes an immediate change in the value of prospects. The son of a Notre Dame football player and a lifelong Notre Dame fan, Smith was not offered a scholarship by the Irish due to the lack of a clear role for him to play in Rick Minter's 4-3 defense. Smith accepted a scholarship to Iowa in the meantime and was a vocal recruiter for the Hawkeyes during his commitment. However, with the hiring of Corwin Brown and the change to a 3-4 defense, Smith's stock suddenly jumped in the eyes of the Notre Dame coaching staff, as his size and abilities project very nicely to an inside linebacker position in a 3-4. A few phone calls and an official visit later, Smith pledged to the Irish and set the Wheel of Pain into motion. With an increased importance on the linebacker position, Smith will have a great opportunity to compete for playing time early and make a difference in the new, revamped Irish defense. Bonus YouTube Footage: Cheer up, Brian. Always look on the bright side of life.

Harrison Smith, S, Knoxville, TN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 205, 4.45
	Anagramaticus Says: "This Rash Minor"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a Jar of Corn, and a Handfull of M&M's.
The Lowdown: Tennessee has always been a difficult state to lure top talent out of, what with the in-state Volunteers being such an overpowering force in the state. However, Smith and his fellow Tennesseean Golden Tate both both spurned the fat man to play for another fat man a few states over. Harrison Smith is a great prototype of a rangy safety, as he has blazing speed in additioni to a hefty build that equates to terrifying, concusscion-inducing hits while playing centerfield. Yes, he's white, which has caused obligatory comparisons to John Lynch, Tom Zbikowski, and a bigger, faster, football-playing Eminem (the House Rock Built's standard retort to oversimplified comparisons drawn solely on racial stereotypes). Smith is a great addition and appears to have natural ballhawking instincts that will make him a welcome upgrade in the secondary when his time to play comes. Bonus YouTube Footage: Harrison Ford... selling Japanese beer. Head, meet explode.

Gary Gray, CB, Columbia, SC
	Height/Weight/40: 5'11", 165, 4.55
	Anagramaticus Says: "Gray Gary"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings and two cockfighting roosters.
The Lowdown: Gray is another big pickup to fill in the needs of a Notre Dame defense trying to find an identity: a shutdown corner. One of the top prospects out of South Carolina, Gray was originally committed to Spurrier and the Gamecocks, but changed his mind early in the season and never looked back. While he's a bit on the smallish size (165 pounds? Get that boy an ice cream sandwich, stat!), Gray has the speed and polished coverage skills to become a great lockdown cornerback. If you want the full story on Gray beyond what I can muster up in a few paragraphs, read this article, which tells in great detail the long road that Gray has walked down in his quest to become a college athlete. Bonus YouTube Footage: The pride of Gary, IN... the Jackson Five.

Steve Paskorz, ILB, Allison Park, PA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 220, 4.5
	Anagramaticus Says: "Spank Over Zest"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, a rhinocerous, and a spicy kielbasa.
The Lowdown: Paskorz was another early commitment, pledging to the Irish way back in May. He seems like another player who would have been a "tweener" in the old 4-3 defense, but can find a much more prominent role as a linebacker in a 3-4. A running back in high school, Paskorz mowed over the competition and racked up some pretty impressive credentials, although his talents are much more suitable for linebacking at the college level. Hopefully, he'll be able to bring his hard-hitting mentality to the other side of the ball. Bonus YouTube Footage: Allison Park, Allison Road. Allright, it's a thin excuse to play some Gin Blossoms.

Aaron Nagel, LB, Lemont, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'1", 215, 4.52
	Anagramaticus Says: "An Anal Ogre"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, a motorcycle, and a nail gun.
The Lowdown: Nagel, just like Paskorz, is a hard-hitting high school running back who will be playing linebacker in college. Another early commitment, Nagel has been in the fold with the Irish since March after a long interview with Weis on a junior day camp. His last name is German for "Nails", which is about as hardcore as you can get. Also, he's a 4.0 student who is currently ranked third in his graduating class. Bonus YouTube Footage: "88 Lines About 44 Women" by The Nails. The only YouTube I could find was this vaguely NSFW Anime clip. It's weeeeird.

My god, it's finally over.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Offense Skill Positions

There is a fine tradition at Notre Dame (although I'm not sure it's still going on, what with these crazy kids and their internets these days) called the "Freshman Register", which all alumns know by it's more endearing shorthand sobriquet: The Dogbook. A charming little guidebook you get when you register as a freshman that has a picture and short description of everyone in the freshman class. Suffice to say, it was incredibly useful in trolling for ass, stalking classmates, and verifying the fugliness of the girl you're about to be set up on a blind date with (hence the name).

Anyway, here's your recruiting class of 2007 Dogbook, complete with photos, a brief summary of the recruit, wisdom from the wise prophet Anagramaticus, and a bonus YouTube clip to illustrate the new player's impact. Big Uglies and Defense will be going up tomorrow.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Offense Skill Positions

Jimmy Clausen, QB, Westlake Village, CA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'3, 195
	Anagramaticus Says: "Is Jammy Uncle"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Nine Angry Drunk Vikings, an artichoke, and a Zeppelin.
The Lowdown: The crowned prince of prep football, the lord, the savior, the allmighty. Without a doubt the most hyped recruit in ages, and, hand-in-hand with that overexposure comes crushingly impossible expectations and the derision of rival fans the world around. To his credit, Clausen is an extremely polished passer whose mechanics, arm strength, and precision are much more seasoned than one would ever expect from a strapping youngster. His biggest challenge will be to learn how to deal with the pressure and speed of the college game (Clausen played on a veritable All-Star team in a smallish conference in California, and thus was hardly ever hurried in his entire career) and to read more advanced defenses. Oh, there's also the challenge of living up to his ridiculously-overblown billing. All in all though, he will be the cornerstone of Charlie Weis' offense for several years. Will he be ready to take over the vacant QB job this offseason? Only time will tell. Clausen is an early enrollee who is currently practicing with the team, so he'll have all spring to compete for the job. Bonus YouTube Footage: "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West. It's just too easy to draw the comparison.

Robert Hughes, RB, Chicago, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 5'11, 228, 4.6
	Anagramaticus Says: "Huge Brothers"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and a Polish Sausage.
The Lowdown: Robert Hughes is a load. Think "charging buffalo", but with 4.6 speed. While Notre Dame has recruited its fair share of shifty finesse backs in recent years, there really has been an absence of a true power running back who is willing to get dirty between the tackles. Meet Robert Hughes. Hughes has great speed for the massive frame he carries, and was a holy terror in the Chicago Public league, laying waste to hapless defenders like the one pictured here. Securing Hughes' commitment was the first job of new Irish Defensive Coordinator Corwin Brown, who used his own connections with the CPL to earn the trust of Hughes. With the tailback position wide open, you can probably expect to see Hughes as a situational back when the sledding gets tough. Bonus YouTube Footage: A video of Robert Earl Hughes, a one-time record-holder for world's fattest man.

Armando Allen, RB, Hialeah, FL
	Height/Weight/40: 5'10", 185, 4.35
	Anagramaticus Says: "Mad, Anal Loner"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a Habañero Pepper, and a Bitchiin' Alfa Romeo.
The Lowdown: Speed demon, through and through. Armando Allen had the fastest 40 time of any prospect last year, and runs an honest-to-god, non-wind-aided, non-hand-timed 4.35. The 40 is a fairly subjective and often misleading statistic, but rest assured that Armando is "play-tennis-against-yourself" fast. He also enrolled early, so he'll be a new face to watch for at the spring game. Allen played in one of Miami's roughest and most competitive conferences, and still managed to average nearly ten yards per touch. He's a home-run hitting breakaway threat. Bonus YouTube Footage: How fast is Armando Allen? Mount a camera on the front of a motorcycle and drive 190 MPH. That should begin to give you an idea.

Golden Tate, WR/Athlete, Hendersonville, TN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'0", 180, 4.4
	Anagramaticus Says: "Gentle Toad"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a Habañero Pepper, and a Golden Globe Award.
The Lowdown: His name is Golden. His high school team used Notre Dame's uniforms and golden helmets. Is anybody surprised about his college decision? Tate has breakaway speed, great ball-hawking instincts, and so much raw athleticism that he can play just about any skill position he wants. He has officially signed as a receiver, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him switch over to cornerback for his college career, plus I'm sure he'll at least get a look at the kick returning squad as well. Tate is a big-time competitor, and apparently a bit of a prankster, too. Rumor has it he sent a text message to the coaching staff on National Signing Day advising he had withdrawn his commitment moments before faxing over his letter of intent. Now, that's a uniquely cruel joke considering what went down on signing day, but, hey, laughter is the best medicine. Bonus YouTube Footage: Jurassic 5's "What's Golden?". This is just too easy.

Duval Kamara, WR, Hoboken, NJ
	Height/Weight/40: 6'3", 190
	Anagramaticus Says: "Alarm a Kudva"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and two Indian Rhinoceri.
The Lowdown: Big, mean, and rangy. Originally, Notre Dame fans were excited about the prospect of adding Kamara, Arrelius Benn, and Greg Little to an unprecedentedly-awesome receiver haul, but Little jumped on signing day and Benn inexplicably went the way of the Zooker. However, Kamara is a huge prize and will become the top target in the receiving corps possibly right out of the gate, as there is currently a vacancy on the roster for a big, sure-handed receiving threat. Kamara committed all the way back in May, so the recruiting hype machine that escalates over the year never really got rolling for him. He is, however, one of the top receivers in the country and will be a huge asset during his career at Notre Dame. I can't wait to see him haul in his first jump-ball for a touchdown. Bonus YouTube Footage: Why is Duval such a kickass name? Because Robert Duvall kicks ass. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Mike Ragone, TE, Cherry Hills, NJ
	Height/Weight/40: 6'5", 230, 4.45
	Anagramaticus Says: "A Minor Geek"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, an African Elephant, and the Jersey Devil.
The Lowdown: Yet another Jersey kid signing with Coach Weis. It's impressive how Weis has turned the talent-rich state into a pipeline for Notre Dame. Of course, a stable of huge, athletic tight ends from New Jersey is becoming de rigueur at the Golden Dome, and Ragone is doing his part to keep the tradition alive. One of the nation's top tight end prospects, he has the size and speed to develop into a real presence in the midfield seams during his career. Bonus YouTube Footage: The Prides of New Jersey: The Boss, Athletic Notre Dame Tight Ends, and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Welcome to the team, lads. Big Uglies and Defensive players will be up tomorrow (hopefully).