A Brief Treatise on Jimmy Clausen's New Hairdo

Allright, we've all seen it. Somehow, deep under the radar, the golden boy at Notre Dame decided to grow a profoundly absurd new hairdo for all the world to see. Now before anyone gets hasty and mislabels the new 'do, it's important to get it straight that it is not a mullet. It clearly violates the "business in front, party in the back" ethos of the mullet, as it is "party everywhere". So, what do you call the new look for 2008?

Simple: hockey hair. The wild, stringy locks and flowing mane protruding from the helmet has been an iconic look in hockey for nearly 80 years, and has graced the domes of athletic legends like Dennis Potvin, Guy LaFleur, Brian Engblom, and yes, even The Great One Himself. So while people may laugh at his absurd hair, if you slap a Canadiens jersey and a handlebar mustache on him and change his name to Jacques Clauseneaux, it all looks perfectly natural.

Car ton bras sait porter l'épée, Il sait porter la croix!

Great Moments in Headline History, Part III

While it's no "Dick to Replace Johnson Against Cocks", today's hall of fame nominee for Great Moments in Headline History goes to this Washington Post article I found during my search to compile this year's All-Hairmerican class. I noticed during the ACC Championship game that Virginia Tech's Right Tackle has a pretty righteous hairdo, and might merit some consideration for an award. However, his official picture on the Hokie website is very clean-cut and disappointing, so I ran a Google search to see if I could find a better snap of him. I couldn't, but I found this article:

...which almost made it all worthwhile.

Vote for Your 2007 All-Hairmerican Team!

It's that time of year again... time to start putting together ballots for postseason awards. And while many of you will be wondering who will win pedestrian trinkets like the Heisman, Butkus, or Maxwell award, the House Rock Built will be digging through game film to award the most prestigious honor of the postseason: The All-Hairmerican Team. Founded on this very site in 2005, the award has continued its annual tradition of awarding excellence in hairstyles in college football. Taking one look at the distinguished recipients of this award, it's pretty clear to see that an All-Hairmerican is a better predictor of success at the next level than just about any award out there.

This year is shaking out to be the most thrilling competition in the history of the award. Aside from a few locks (Colt Brennan and ASU lineman Paul Fanaika), there's a pretty wide open field out there. Also, we may be approaching a first in the glorious history of the All-Hairmerican award: Georgia Tech LB Philip Wheeler has a shot of being the first ever two-time All-Hairmerican. Oh, the tension!

So this is where you come in, dear readers. Make your voice heard, and submit your nominees in the comments section. Results will be tabulated a week from today and the finalists will be committed to eternity in shining awesomeness.

"Sarcastic College Football Gameday" To Broadcast Live From Ann Arbor on Saturday

The newest program in ESPN's ever-expanding litany of college football shows will make its series premiere this weekend at one of college football's most hallowed venues, Ann Arbor. The show is called "Sarcastic College Football Gameday", or SCFG for you text-messaging types, and is a weekly, floating-venue live broadcast intended to capture the all-important irony-loving hipster demographic by, paradoxically, spotlighting the most absurdly unimportant game of the week.

"With all of the success of the non-ironic College Football Gameday, it's a natural step to capitalize on the flipside of the market," said ESPN2 spokesperson Tad Beecher. "For every hyperkinetic, frenzied college football crowd going crazy with anticipation for an important rivalry game, there are just as many wholly dejected fanbases paralyzing themselves with alcohol in the parking lot before a game in anticipation of a three hour, mouth-agape gutpunch in a thoroughly-meaningless pillowfight.

"It's about time that we acknowledge those fans too and deliver programming catered specifically for those dejected souls whacked out on the sweet morphine of low expectations."

Sarcastic Gameday's traveling crew: Chip Caray, Fisher DeBerry, and Eric Crouch preview the day's action in front of a tepid and dreary Michigan crowd.

The venue for the inagural show is nothing if not fitting, as nothing quite says "ironic spectacle" like two of college football's most storied football programs meeting winless, unranked, and in nigh-absolute shambles. Throw in the fact that tickets for the game were selling at an average of $696 in the preseason and are now being used by thrifty vagrants as tindling and you've created the perfect storm of hilarious, eye-rolling absurdity.

Hosting the show will re-tread broadcaster Chip Caray, coaching burnout and media lightning rod Fisher DeBerry, and "Where are they now?" white option quarterback Eric Crouch, who form a hapless band of ultra-ironic døpplegangers for the flagship show. For now, the show is sponsored by IKEA, but many have accused the the understated "hipness" of the Swedish furniture company of undercutting the true irony of the show, or even worse of breaking down the fourth wall with a proverbial meta-ironic wink at the audience.

"It's a treat to get to kick off the show in such a terrific venue like the Big House," said Carey, demonstrating a tremendous amount of professionalism by delivering the line without any hint of a sarcastic grin. "These are two great college football teams and two great fanbases. There's going to be an electricity in the air that will be nothing short of amazing.

"And I'm, like, literally not completely talking out of my ass right now," he added before finally giving in to a long-stifled chuckle.

Gooooo Food-Ball! The House Rock Built Hobo Tour 07 Hits Northwestern

Bask in its purpleness! Nobody in the stands could explain why there is a giant "Z" at midfield.

Week two is in the books, ladies, and the wheel of pain keeps on a-spinnin'. The House Rock Built took the show on the road this weekend and hoofed it up to Evanston (the mythical magical suburb that is completely inaccessible by any known highway) to take in the Northwestern - Nevada morning game. The only way to get there? Up, Left, Down, Left, dawg.

Difficuilty getting there aside, it was a solid road trip and a good way for me to get Bloo and the interns out of the Fire Mark May compound while Trev Alberts was in his dreaded and hyperdestructive "brown liquor mood". The sun was shining bright, the ladies were... um, nonthreatening, and the game was, in three words, purple, purple, and purpler. I know that, strictly speaking, Nevada-Reno sports "Cobalt Blue", but as you can see, it leans precariously on the indigo side of the visible light spectrum. Combined with the raging "Royal Purple" duds the Wildcats were sporting, the entire scene was horrifyingly nerve-racking for an acute porphyrophobic like myself who has spent years in counseling and countless dollars on prescription medication to control their condition. A lot of positive work was undone in one afternoon... homeboy fell off the wagon.


Fucking kill it!

The locals treated us to some entertainment, particularly this enthusiastic pep poster we spotted on the shuttle from the (free of charge, motherfuckers!) parking lot to Ryan Field. I'd like to introduce the world to "Go Food-Ball!", the newest House Rock Built Neologism that I'm really hoping catches on across the college football world. Say it loud, say it proud. Go Food-Ball.


The newest member of the HRB Neologism family. Eight pounds, six ounces of pure college football hilarity. Photo adeptly snapped by the Irish Outsider.

One final cosmetic note about the game is the incredibly similarity in the logos of the two teams. The similarity is so striking that I can't help but theorize that the only reason these two teams, with nary a geographic or historical tie betwixt them, scheduled each other for a September non-conference game: a drunken challenge between two athletic directors at the annual NCAA rules meetings about who has the better anthropomorphic quasi-purple "N" logo.


Northwestern, meet bizarro Northwestern.

Oh, and the game was awesome, too. In a weekend with some big-time laughers (every game that was broadcast in Chicago was settled by more than 30 points), watching Northwestern's quarterback, C.J. Not-Kafka lead the Cats on a last-minute desperation drive to a game-winning touchdown with 26 seconds left was the thrill of the weekend. All in all, a pretty fun weekend. Keep your eyes open for future stops on the HRB Hobo Tour 07. Stay thirsty, my friends. Go Food-ball.

It Seems To Me We Have a Crisis of Confidence

I'll be the first to admit it, there's nothing fun about heading into a road game where you're 17 point underdogs. Throw in the fact that we're breaking in a new quarterback behind a slap-happy offensive line and that the whole operation looked like a train wreck last week, and you've got the makings for a potentially bad weekend. But I don't want to hear any loser talk, Irish fans. What you need is a shot of confidence, and I'm just the man to deliver that for you. You see, I've applied my long tenure as an abusive drinker to craft the perfect cocktail for your gameday consumption that will put the smile back on your face and a steaming pile of confidence back in your heart. Feast your eyes, dear friends, on the Shot of Confidence.

Tastes like... glory.

That's right, NyQuil and Claussen pickle juice. If this doesn't put a spring in your step and the will of a tiger in your feeble heart, then, brother, there's no hope left for you. So hoist 'em up, Irish fans.

"Hand", "Sticky Situation", "Gets Off Easy", and "Hookers". Make Your Own Headline

The good news for Darrell Hand? He gets to stay on the football team. The bad news? He still has to pay Frank.

Now there's a head-scratcher. In case you haven't heard already, DT Darrell Hand was officially handed down his punishment today for his, um dramatic re-enactment of "Pretty Woman". The punishment: he gets to stay in school and will miss three football games.

Those of you keeping score at home, that's one semester suspension from school and athletics for having a spliff in your car and 180 minutes of benchwarming for cruising for hookers. You figure that one out.

Anyway, I did my heavy-handed serious piece on the whole situation over at the Fanhouse, so you can go over the gory details and the potential fallout from this decision over there. Here at the HRB, it's all about fun and games and fart jokes, so I'll lay off anything too preachy at this venue. The bottom line, though, is that there are four possible explanations for what happened:

1.) The University magically decided to take a different approach to athlete suspensions and show more care and common sense than in the previous cases, which were brutal by even the strictest standards. They also decided to do this without telling anybody and the day before a football player got busted. Prognosis: Uh, not likely.

2.) Since soliciting a prostitute is not strictly addressed in the parameters of du Lac (the holy parchment for disciplinary action), whereas there is clear verbage on more commonplace malfeasances like smoking a doobie, Hand skated by on a technicality. Let's call it the Farmer Hoggett Exemption: if there's nothing in the holy parchment that specifically forbids it, then it's OK. Prognosis: Uh, also unlikely. I got busted for holding and booking bets on unsanctioned giraffe races on North Quad my sophomore year, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in du Lac expressly prohibiting that.

3.) The old "selling your soul for football glory" thing...

4.) There's more to this case than we know about, and a thorough review of the case and its circumstances showed that Hand's specific situation was much different than what the headlines will tell you. There is enough exonerating evidence to show no criminal misconduct (i.e., Darrell just told the hooker a dirty knock-knock joke instead of requesting sex for money). Cooler heads prevail and a slap on the wrist is issued.

Please, little baby Jesus, let it be number four. I've always felt that this needed to be done anyway, especially since ResLife (as you students and alumni can undoubtedly confirm) has always had a "shoot first, ask questions later" policy in terms of doling out discipline. If it took the time to hear out the merits of the case and take it for its individual circumstances, well, that would just be a big leap forward for the way student affairs are handled at the dome and a very good sign. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see what more information is released. If we don't hear anything by the time Hand is running around decleating offensive linemen, then popular opinion (and mine as well) will start swaying toward any combination of the other three alternatives.

Ugh. Enough of that. Time for fun and games. My ultra-scientific blogpoll ballot will be released later tonight. In the meantime, be a good Christian and put down the hashpipe and get yourself a streetwalker.

Posted With Just a Teensy Bit of Comment

All this excitement and teeth-gnashing and what-have-you about Jim Harbaugh's recent world bridge-burning tour with Michigan has inspired me to come out of hibernation and make a mockery of the whole subject. Oh, and maybe profiteer a little bit on the thankless labors of teenagers (hereinafter referred to as "pulling a Michigan"). You see, I think that Jim Harbaugh should put his money where his mouth is and try to impart some change on the system at his alma mater. My first suggestion would be to make a large donation to the University of Michigan earmarked for creating a new study center for athletes to help them get that ever-elusive Michigan diploma. Well, if the only thing keeping him from doing that is the inability to come up with a clever name for the new facility, well worry no more, Jimmy. The House Rock Built's got you covered.

So go on ahead and show your support for the Jim Harbaugh School for Kids Who Can't Read Good (And Want to Do Other Things Good, Too).

Fightinamish out.

Happy Man-Christmas!

It's Man-Christmas, the most wonderful day of the year. So kick your wife and kids out of the house, call up the girlfriend or mistress and tell her you've got plans, and tell the boss you've got an offsite breakfast meeting or something, because tonight we dine in hell... with NCAA 08.

Early reactions after one day of gameplay: it's totally sweet. There's a lot more juking controls, which results in a lot more long touchdowns and hilariously embarassing defense. My second best moment of the night? Blocking an extra point and taking it to the house for two points. My best moment? Screaming and dancing up and down while pelvic thrusting in the general direction of irishoutsider on the other couch seconds after said PAT housing. It's gonna be a great year.

Just as a quick bit of trivia, EA Sports has solved the quarterback controversy at Notre Dame by pegging the starting quarterback as... Zach Frazer. Oops. Way to be on top of the game with that one, EA. Personally, I threw Demetrius Jones in there and tore everything up with the knifewrench attack.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

You're All So Ripe for Parody

If you've never visited The Dugout, you've probably noticed a vast emptiness in your life. It's a hilarious website that posts fictional Instant Messenger conversations between baseball players, but the true genius of the entire site is the fake "screennames" they come up with for the players. Some are obvious (Ian Snell is "OohThatSnell"), while some require a bit more thinking (Ken Griffey, Jr. is "Elijah_Prince", for Samuel L. Jackson's injury-prone character in "Unbreakable"), but all of them are quite hilarious.

This year's Blue Gold game served as an inspiration for the House Rock Built, as well as several drunken companions (namely Irish Outsider) trying to come up with maximally-humorous screen names for this year's team. Some were funny, some weren't, but the entire exercise left us quite entertained for the duration of the rather boring game. For your enjoyment, I've put together the greatest hits of that drunken afternoon. Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments. It might be a good idea to remember these, as there's a pretty good chance I'll refer to these players almost exclusively by these names throughout the rest of the season.

James Aldridge	AldridgeThatEndsDridge	Joe Brockington	Brock_The_Casbah
Evan Sharpley	a_scanner_sharpley	George West	George_By_Georgewest
Konrad Reuland	der_Konradssar	D.J. Hord	HordHaveMercy
Dan Wenger	Wenger_Chunger	David Grimes	GrimesWithOrange
Asaph Schwapp	Wife_Schwapping	Will Yeatman	Cannibals_Yeatman
Luke Schmidt	SchmidtHappens	Jimmy Clausen	JC_Superstar

Your 2007 Dogbook: Defensive Skill Positions

At long last, here is part three of the Class of 2007 Dogbook.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Defensive Skill Positions

Brandon Walker, K/P, Findlay, OH
	Height/Weight/40: 62", 190
	Anagramaticus Says: "Warn Dark Noble"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Five Angry Drunk Vikings and two bucking Mules.
The Lowdown: Proving Newton's Law of Conservation of Walkers, Notre Dame locked up a replacement Walker weeks after Darius announced he was heading for the NFL. Granted, Brandon's skillset isn't exactly the same as young Darius', but he has an opportunity to contribute at a kicking position that is wide open going into 2007. Walker was a bit of a curious pickup. A late acquisition after he decommitted from Louisville after Bobby Petrino left for the NFL, a lot of Irish fans were curious about the logic behind giving another kicker a scholarship after Ryan Burkhart was signed last year. The instant speculation is that Burkhart hasn't developed as planned in his first year in South Bend, and having another kicker, if for no other reason than to provide more competition for the position, is important to maximizing the productivity in the kicking game. In 2007, Walker will have a shot to compete for the placekicking duties, and after Geoff Price leaves next year, he'll have a shot at the punting duties, too. Bonus YouTube Footage: Walker Texas Ranger beating somebody's ass. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Brian Smith, ILB, Overland Park, KS
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 230, 4.7
	Anagramaticus Says: "Bash in Trim"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a soybean, and a Wheel of Pain.
The Lowdown: Brian Smith is a great example of how a change in defensive philosophy makes an immediate change in the value of prospects. The son of a Notre Dame football player and a lifelong Notre Dame fan, Smith was not offered a scholarship by the Irish due to the lack of a clear role for him to play in Rick Minter's 4-3 defense. Smith accepted a scholarship to Iowa in the meantime and was a vocal recruiter for the Hawkeyes during his commitment. However, with the hiring of Corwin Brown and the change to a 3-4 defense, Smith's stock suddenly jumped in the eyes of the Notre Dame coaching staff, as his size and abilities project very nicely to an inside linebacker position in a 3-4. A few phone calls and an official visit later, Smith pledged to the Irish and set the Wheel of Pain into motion. With an increased importance on the linebacker position, Smith will have a great opportunity to compete for playing time early and make a difference in the new, revamped Irish defense. Bonus YouTube Footage: Cheer up, Brian. Always look on the bright side of life.

Harrison Smith, S, Knoxville, TN
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 205, 4.45
	Anagramaticus Says: "This Rash Minor"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, a Jar of Corn, and a Handfull of M&M's.
The Lowdown: Tennessee has always been a difficult state to lure top talent out of, what with the in-state Volunteers being such an overpowering force in the state. However, Smith and his fellow Tennesseean Golden Tate both both spurned the fat man to play for another fat man a few states over. Harrison Smith is a great prototype of a rangy safety, as he has blazing speed in additioni to a hefty build that equates to terrifying, concusscion-inducing hits while playing centerfield. Yes, he's white, which has caused obligatory comparisons to John Lynch, Tom Zbikowski, and a bigger, faster, football-playing Eminem (the House Rock Built's standard retort to oversimplified comparisons drawn solely on racial stereotypes). Smith is a great addition and appears to have natural ballhawking instincts that will make him a welcome upgrade in the secondary when his time to play comes. Bonus YouTube Footage: Harrison Ford... selling Japanese beer. Head, meet explode.

Gary Gray, CB, Columbia, SC
	Height/Weight/40: 5'11", 165, 4.55
	Anagramaticus Says: "Gray Gary"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings and two cockfighting roosters.
The Lowdown: Gray is another big pickup to fill in the needs of a Notre Dame defense trying to find an identity: a shutdown corner. One of the top prospects out of South Carolina, Gray was originally committed to Spurrier and the Gamecocks, but changed his mind early in the season and never looked back. While he's a bit on the smallish size (165 pounds? Get that boy an ice cream sandwich, stat!), Gray has the speed and polished coverage skills to become a great lockdown cornerback. If you want the full story on Gray beyond what I can muster up in a few paragraphs, read this article, which tells in great detail the long road that Gray has walked down in his quest to become a college athlete. Bonus YouTube Footage: The pride of Gary, IN... the Jackson Five.

Steve Paskorz, ILB, Allison Park, PA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'2", 220, 4.5
	Anagramaticus Says: "Spank Over Zest"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, a rhinocerous, and a spicy kielbasa.
The Lowdown: Paskorz was another early commitment, pledging to the Irish way back in May. He seems like another player who would have been a "tweener" in the old 4-3 defense, but can find a much more prominent role as a linebacker in a 3-4. A running back in high school, Paskorz mowed over the competition and racked up some pretty impressive credentials, although his talents are much more suitable for linebacking at the college level. Hopefully, he'll be able to bring his hard-hitting mentality to the other side of the ball. Bonus YouTube Footage: Allison Park, Allison Road. Allright, it's a thin excuse to play some Gin Blossoms.

Aaron Nagel, LB, Lemont, IL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'1", 215, 4.52
	Anagramaticus Says: "An Anal Ogre"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, a motorcycle, and a nail gun.
The Lowdown: Nagel, just like Paskorz, is a hard-hitting high school running back who will be playing linebacker in college. Another early commitment, Nagel has been in the fold with the Irish since March after a long interview with Weis on a junior day camp. His last name is German for "Nails", which is about as hardcore as you can get. Also, he's a 4.0 student who is currently ranked third in his graduating class. Bonus YouTube Footage: "88 Lines About 44 Women" by The Nails. The only YouTube I could find was this vaguely NSFW Anime clip. It's weeeeird.

My god, it's finally over.

Signing Day is Coming!

We're one day away from Signing Day, and everyone is on edge. Mike Frank and the gang over at Irish Eyes are furiously making calls tonight to confirm everyone is set to sign and fax their letters of intent. If you're an Irish Eyes member, you can swing by the chat to check out the latest progress. At this point, a large percentage of the 20 commits have been confirmed, but there are still a handful of recruits who haven't answered their phones tonight. We'll be monitoring the situation diligently.

After everything is finalized and the press conference is finished, the House will do a special tribute to the class of 07 for those of you who have had more important things to do than follow recruiting or want a quick refresher of this year's class (complete with The House Rock Built's official prospect rating scale which ranges from one to 8.5 Angry Drunk Vikings).

Serenity Now!

Round and Round Goes the Wheel of Pain

The recruiting game is a swampy quagmire full of false promises, carnivorous smile-façades, backstabbing, treachery, and Tom Lemming. It's not for children, and it's not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. Also, four out of five doctors agree that you should wait at least 30 minutes after eating a meal before reading a recruiting website. That being said, it's a hilarious pageant of the absurd that, taken with enough detachment and acceptance of how much of a sicko you really are, proves to be endlessly entertaining.

Take the drama in the last week that involved a linear chain of backstabbing that starts at the defending national champs and ends with a toddler from suburban Muncie, Indiana:

Behold, the Wheel of Pain!
	Urban Meyer poaches prized defensive end recruit Justin Trattou from Notre Dame commitment.
	Charlie Weis, in turn, extends scholarship to Iowa commit Brian Smith. Kirk Ferentz becomes enraged and pulls Smith's scholarship offer. Smith commits to Notre Dame.
	Kirk Ferentz turns around and offers Ball State linebacker commit Bruce Davis, who decommits from the Cardinals to join Iowa.
	Ball State head coach Brady Hoke tracks down Suzy Kohlmiller, a six year old Muncie native, and steals her tricycle, leaving her in tears on the side of the road.
To Be Continued...