Saturday, November 26, 2005

The Day the Special Teams Died

And I don't remember if I cried
When those point-afters tumbled wide
Something touched me deep inside
The Day the Special Teams Died

Put it in your calendars, boys and girls. November 25, 2005 will live forever in infamy as "The Day the Special Teams Died". While we sat on our bloated duffs and munched on leftover turkey and cranberry sauce, an age of innocence met its grisly death in fiery wrecks in Tempe, College Station, and Baton Rouge. So pull out your six-string, your bottles of whiskey and rye, and join me in mourning for the friend we barely knew, Special Teams.

Buddy Holly

0:10, 1st Quarter: Texas A&M defensive back Melvin Bullitt (yes, ladies, that is his real name) nabs a floppy duck pass from Vince Young and scampers into the end zone to ignite the A&M comeback. The ensuing PAT is snapped through the hands of the holder, resulting in a comically goofy attempt to throw the ball.

9:40, 2nd Quarter: A&M scores again to reclaim the momentum. Dennis Franchione apparently leaves that handy little card about when to go for 2 at home, trots out 2 point unit halfway through the second quarter. Donk. Now one lost point has turned into two!

9:07, 3rd Quarter: Texas lines up to punt the ball to a fired-up A&M squad with a chance to reclaim the lead. Oops, fake punt. A disoriented A&M squad lets the upback rumble for six yards before face-masking him for good measure. Add another fifteen onto the run.

6:00, 3rd Quarter: Now it's A&M's turn to punt. Blocked. Cedric Griffin rumbles, fumbles, stumbles 11 yards into the endzone for the tutty. Joy of joys! Now for that pesky PAT -- another bad snap, another goofy looking play, no good.

8:25, 4th Quarter: A&M's last shot -- Texas is punting to them with an 8 point lead (duh, guess it was a bad idea to go for 2 in the second quarter). And it's muffed. Texas ball. Texas celebrates by missing a 33 yard chip shot.

The Big Bopper

7:22, 1st Quarter: Hogs kicker Chris Balseiro misses a 41 yard field goal. Alas, his day is just beginning.

0:15, 2nd Quarter: Ready to take a one-score game into the locker room, Jacob Skinner sets up to punt the ball for the Hogs. A clumsy snap and some some flopping and stumbling later, LSU racks up a safety and a 9 point lead.

10:07, 3rd Quarter: Mother of Mercy, Chris Balseiro misses another field goal. Could these two missed kicks and the blunderous safety prove to be important factors in the game?

10:45, 4th Quarter: The Hogs are down 17-19, lining up for a two point conversion! And fail.

0:00, 4th Quarter: Some Dick throws an interception to end the game. Arkansas falls two points short of the win of the year... I wonder how they could have made up those points?

Richie Valens

7:41, 1st Quarter: Arizona's Nick Folk chunks a 37 yard field goal.

3:45, 1st Quarter: Longsnapper airmails the snap over poor Nick Folk's head. Folk wisely boots the ball out of the back of his own end zone for the safety.

10:38, 3rd Quarter: Whoaaa Nellie! It's a fake field goal! Holder Ryan Eldson is dumped for an 8 yard loss. Better luck next time, boss.

8:12, 4th Quarter: With the champagne on ice for the Wildcats, Folk boots away a punt. Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your televisions, this is not in slow motion. Terry Richardson rumbles and fumbles for a 71 yard touchdown. Where's Nick?

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