Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Howard Schnellenberger is Now Officially Cool

I've always had lots of respect for Howard Schnellenberger. First, Orson Swindle told me that Schnellenberger has the greatest mustache in college football, and dammit if he's not the authority on the subject. Second, he looks like he could be part of the Mandelbaum family from Seinfeld, as every time I look at this picture I get a visual of him hoisting something heavy over his head and throwing out his back while screaming "It's Go Time!" And if that wasn't enough reason to love the guy, check out his officially off-the-reservation final ballot in the USA Today poll.

Apparently, Les Miles did something unspeakable with Schnellenberger's wife, or maybe his granddaughter. The Bayou Bengals are an incredible #15 in his poll, stuffed behind powerhouses like Wake Forest and Rutgers, and five spots below Arkansas, despite having a better record and, you know, beating the ever-loving handsomeness out of them head-to-head. Oklahoma? #18. And sitting pretty at #8 in Schnellenberger's sheet? Your Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

That's right, old Howard has the Irish ranked seven spots above their Sugar Bowl opponent LSU Tigers. Looks like somebody has some confidence.

On a related note, it looks like confidence is staggeringly low for the Notre Dame fanbase going into the bowl season. It's hard to blame anyone though, as the team has folded like cheap lawn furniture against top-flight opponents this year, the defense is a porous travesty of arm-tackling dancing bears on mopeds, and the game is being played within a wad of smokeless tobacco's projectile range of the opponent's home field. In light of this, I am adopting Howard Schnellenberger as the official mascot of misguided, irrational, largely faith-based confidence. Every day from now until I get horribly bored of the idea, we'll take time to hear some (completely fictionalized) words of wisdom from big Howie. If it works properly, it will be just the booster shot of confidence this fanbase needs going into bowl season.

Howard Schnellenberger Says...

"Making love to a woman requires a gentle yet unflinchingly stern hand, much like coaching college football, breaking a wild stallion, or robbing a liquor store. Any before any of you candyasses chime in with your opinions, keep in mind that I've done all four of those more times than you've had hot meals."

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13 Comments:

At 1:34 AM, Anonymous mike said...

superman wears howard schnellenberger pajamas

 
At 6:53 AM, Anonymous dbldomer7375 said...

We need Howie to dole out some tough love to the fickle fan base.

Bring it on. There are some seriously un fanatic Irish fans out there that need to benefit from Big Howie's mojo.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger gwzimm said...

MANDLEBAUM, MANDLEBAUM, MANDLEBAUM!

IT'S GO TIME,

Seriously, tho, I thought Howie was dead

 
At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Loud Noises said...

Schnellenberger doesn't sleep, he waits.

 
At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Tommy O said...

Did I ever tell you about the time Schnellenberger took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Schnellenberger takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and, sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Schnellenberger yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

I once saw Howard Schnellenberger scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.

 
At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious quote. I'm glad I stopped by....

 
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

are there any Florida Atlantic fanblogs out there for you to interview for this weeks Friday Nite Lites?

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger JD said...

John Bolton's Mustache could curbstomp that pansy-ass wannabe buckstache that Howie's got.

 
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