What You Sippin' On?

There's just not enough to write about these days, but the tension in the air is palpable. The season is nigh approaching, and thoughts start turning to lazy Saturday mornings, frenzied afternoon bacchanals, and hangovers that start almost immediately following the game and last through Sunday. We've been finding ourselves more and more at our local drinking establishments pondering the delicious value added of enjoying our favorite beverages in both sun and shade. We've even been coming up with some new concoctions we feel would bring the added elements of both refreshment and surprise to any tailgater.

Of course, this is where we say "You know how your favorite popular team is like this hilarious beverage?" Nay. Form your own conclusions.

So, college football boozehounds, what you sippin' on?

Tucker Max Death Mix
The gold standard and slightly cliched energy beverage guaranteed to take years off of your life. We know this and we still dont care. Mix 2 cans of Red Bull, one fifth of Everclear, and 32oz of the traditional yellow Gatorade chilled over ice for this trip to irrational exuberance. Personally, we're not saying we've already stolen the local McDonald's Orange Bowl to facilitate such a beverage...but we're not NOT saying it either.


Rum and Ice
On the other side of the boozing spectrum, we're also stocking up on quality depressants as well. Might as well prepare for the worst too, right? When the stark reality of your alma mater posting another lackluster season hits you in the face like a 3 month long bitch slap, you'll be glad you prepared. Rum. Ice. The combination of drunken poet kings, the utterly hopeless, and the generally deadbeat alike.


Red Moco Cooler!
The crazy half-brother of exuberance, irrational binge drinking. We're planning all sorts of ways to kick back like a senile Southern gentleman, but we doff our box social caps to the most recent creation of Dr. Rusty Venture. Kahlua, Hershey's syrup, and a dash of Red Kool-Aid! That.....sounds......HORRIBLE! Horrible indeed. For the thoroughly confused genteel boozer.


Purple Drank
The obligatory roll slower of the bunch. Specifically recommended for large, once-prominent, fan bases to resign themselves to the fate of interminable mediocrity. Grab some promethazine and jolly ranchers as you mix yourselves a tall glass of acceptance. Remarkably enough, the purple color is more than appropriate.


Barenjager
Finally, we would be remiss to leave out our favorite pregame activity, bearhunting. The Baron as we affectionately call it (along with Das Bearmeister, Der Bearhunterr, and NO! GOD NO!) is a tasty Bavarian treat for all seasons when properly chilled. The lovely carrying case is also built into the wicker handle, always ensuring that the meady liquer is always close by. Be warned, in large enough doses, bearhunting is the realest shit ever.


What about the rest of our loyal readers? We're sure the dozens of you all over the world have your own pregame preferences. No reason to keep secrets. We're all friends here.

You're All So Ripe for Parody

If you've never visited The Dugout, you've probably noticed a vast emptiness in your life. It's a hilarious website that posts fictional Instant Messenger conversations between baseball players, but the true genius of the entire site is the fake "screennames" they come up with for the players. Some are obvious (Ian Snell is "OohThatSnell"), while some require a bit more thinking (Ken Griffey, Jr. is "Elijah_Prince", for Samuel L. Jackson's injury-prone character in "Unbreakable"), but all of them are quite hilarious.

This year's Blue Gold game served as an inspiration for the House Rock Built, as well as several drunken companions (namely Irish Outsider) trying to come up with maximally-humorous screen names for this year's team. Some were funny, some weren't, but the entire exercise left us quite entertained for the duration of the rather boring game. For your enjoyment, I've put together the greatest hits of that drunken afternoon. Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments. It might be a good idea to remember these, as there's a pretty good chance I'll refer to these players almost exclusively by these names throughout the rest of the season.

James Aldridge	AldridgeThatEndsDridge	Joe Brockington	Brock_The_Casbah
Evan Sharpley	a_scanner_sharpley	George West	George_By_Georgewest
Konrad Reuland	der_Konradssar	D.J. Hord	HordHaveMercy
Dan Wenger	Wenger_Chunger	David Grimes	GrimesWithOrange
Asaph Schwapp	Wife_Schwapping	Will Yeatman	Cannibals_Yeatman
Luke Schmidt	SchmidtHappens	Jimmy Clausen	JC_Superstar

What's Up With the Colors?

Brian @ mgoblog sent out an e-mail last night explaining a little thing for bloggers to do to show solidarity with Virginia Tech. Suffice to say, this writer is horribly unqualified to make any commentary on the shock and grief in Blacksburg, but hopefully this small gesture on the part of the blogosphere will keep the people of Virginia Tech in our thoughts & prayers.

Mayhem at the Weis Trial

Things have gone a little bit crazy over at the Charlie Weis malpractice trial. After two weeks of testimony, the case was going to be sent to the jury tomorrow for deliberations, but a sudden freak accident has caused the case to be declared a mistrial. A juror collapsed during testimony, and the defendants as well as a few other doctors in the court rushed to his aid. After the juror was carted off, the judge determined there was no way that the incident would keep the jury objective in their deliberations, and declared a mistrial.

Sadly, there are no photographs of the incident, since the courtroom is closed off to the media. However, The House Rock Built thought ahead and sent a courtroom illustrator to the hearing to capture the important moments of this huge case. We just got this scanned copy of his drawing e-mailed over, so we have the breaking scoop on what happened, through the eyes of a first-hand observer. Check it out:

The only way Weis could have a "jury of his peers" was to have a pirate, a viking, and an eskimo on the jury.

We'll keep you posted as the news develops. I think our sketch artist made a few more drawings that should be reaching us later today.

Here's a Fun Contest for the Dead Period Between Now and Spring Practice...

Bowl season is over, awards season is over, and recruiting season is more or less winding down, so us diehards are stuck with a few months of disoriented nothingness while we wait for spring practice. Understanding how desperate you are for something to do after you've devoted the last four months of your life to college football, the House Rock Built is hosting a contest that should keep those idle hands busy.

Okay, readers. Here's what you do. Go out to a pet store, a breeder, or the local pound and buy yourself a Jack Russell Terrier. Next, spend the next two months working with your new pooch around the clock, training him (or her... or neither, if you did the responsible thing and threw down $75 to have it fixed) to bark in exact synchronization with the "woofs" on the Baha Men's 2000 classic hit "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Now, go to the absolure worst part of town in the city you live in and find the dirtiest and most dangerous bar that has karaoke. Take your pooch in there and rock the house while a companion videotapes the entire ordeal.

The first reader to provide a link to a YouTube video of this, pending authentication by an independent judging firm, will receive a free copy of "The University of Notre Dame: Fighting Irish Collector's Edition DVD Set ". Ready? The contest begins..... now!

The House Rock Built is Woozy

Sorry for the lack of updateage, but life intervenes. A large portion of my day was lost to a blood drive at the office, where the House Rock Built made its official donation to the blood supply. That's good news for you O-Negative Chicagoans out there, as it means you can ignore your nagging overprotective wife and go ahead and trim those pesky tree branches with a chainsaw in the middle of the night after drinking two bottles of wine without fear. I've got your back.

I fixed the newel post, honey!

Two lessons learned. First, when a screener asks you if you have been to Botswana and had sexual relations there in the last twelve months, answering "That's classified" and winking will not elicit the slightest of laughs. Second, you don't want to piss off somebody who is about to jam a needle into your arm.


There's more alcohol in that bag than there is in your entire refrigerator.

Anyway, everything started to get a little bit woozy after that. I had these crazy visions of John L. Smith getting fired. Then I had visions of winning a major award over at the blogpoll. Then, I spent a few hours wandering around in traffic on the Kennedy expressway.

Long story short, I decided to invent a drink to commemorate John L.'s sad and grisly departure from the coaching scene. I was thinking of something that can truly encapsulate the bitter and gag-inducing horror that was Johnelle's career, and I think I came up with a winner. So here's the "Screaming Johnelle":

• Donate a pint of blood.
• Run up two flights of stairs.
• Do three shots of tequila.

Do one of these, and you instantly transform into Mike Valenti, two of these and your boss screams at you for urinating in a plant in the center of the office and sends your disgraceful ass home in a cab. Score, three day weekend! Prost!