Cyber T-Shirt Cannon: Strike While the Iron is Red and Inflamed

Think fungal infections ravaging through a football team's loins is funny? Your goddamned right you do! Maybe it's time you make a statement with this fashionable shirt from the House Rock Built's gift shop. It's all the rage, you know.

A Historical Primer on College Football Training Camp Outbreaks

Allright, you snickerpusses. Go ahead and have a laugh at the expense of the inflamed groins of Southern Cal's football team. As hard-working, decent football fans who love wang jokes, you're entitled to titter at the misfortunes of the Trojans, who are currently in the midst of a virulent outbreak of jock itch that has consumed fully 25 percent of the team. But before you get too out of control judging USC on this comical scene ripped straight from the pages of Revenge of the Nerds (or, if you're into that whole divine retribution thing, The Ten Commandments), keep in mind that college football has battled with infectious diseases since the very first days of the sport.

Naturally, when you combine several dozen sweaty strapping ballplayers in a low-on-personal-space community like a football training camp, you're creating a very loving environment for scores of creepy crawlies and pathogens to perpetuate their parasitic lifestyles unencumbered. And while USC might be the butt (or groin, if you will) of immature jokes today, they are not the first and certainly won't be the last team to battle microbial pandemics during training camp. A brief historical primer on the top moments in Training Camp Epidemiology:

• 1993, University of Georgia. Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome. In what was otherwise an unspectacular season for the Ray Goff's Bulldogs, the early weeks of August provided a great amount of excitement when recurrences of Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome scorched through training camp. The administration did their best to cover up the outbreak, but as the disease, which hadn't been observed on such a scale since George Miller Berard's 1878 discovery, spread into double digits, a quarantine unit from the CDC was called down to investigate and monitor the situation. Their findings indicated there was no risk for further contamination outside of the camp, and in time the outbreak petered out without any documented fatalities.
  
  
  
• 1981, University of Notre Dame. Dr. Strangelove Syndrome.
  Hopes were running high in South Bend as new coach Gerry Faust stepped on campus, but things took a chilling turn for the worst on a hot day during training camp when Faust's left hand began acting entirely on its own free will. While the training staff initially brushed it off as a result of the stress of taking on one of college football's most demanding jobs, things took a turn for the drastic when two days later, future star tight end Mark Bavaro came down with identical symptoms. Two days later, a ten year old girl in South Bend and an incorrigible boarder collie from Mishawaka named Scraps were stricken, and the town was immediately placed under quarantine. For two agonizing weeks, national guard troops barricaded off the greater South Bend area while harried CDC directors briefed President Ronald Reagan about his heart-wrenching options should the disease break through the quarantine.
  
  Fortunately, the disease was stopped in its tracks during the quarantine, and the barricade was lifted in northwest Indiana. While there were no human fatalities, Scraps did perish in a tragic accident attributed to his free-minded paw. An animated movie documenting his heroic struggle during the dark days of the quarantine come out in 1985, to almost universally negative reviews.
  
  
  
• 1951, Colorado State University. Severe Hiccups.
  A case of chronic hiccups tore through Fort Collins in 1951, striking down nearly 2,000 students and faculty for nearly two months. With the entire coaching staff and nearly all of the players in the throes of agonizing hiccups, coach Bob Davis had little choice the first three games of the season, derailing a promising season for the Rams.



• 1888, Cornell. Koro
  While on its surface, the idea of an entire football team being stricken with Genital Retraction Syndrome seems hilarious, the epidemic and resulting Penis Panic that arose from Ithaca in 1888 is anything but funny. While widespread panics about genital theft is almost only found in the more remote areas of Southeast Asia and Africa, it sprung onto the scene in upstate New York with a vengeance in August of 1888, washing over the entire college and surrounding town in a matter of weeks. In a frenzy, many separate gangs of vigilantes took to the streets the bring to justice the alleged "penis-snatchers", and in a terrifying span of 72 hours, 14 suspected genitalnappers were gunned down, bludgeoned, or strung up in town square. Even more lives were lost as the overmatched police tried to disperse the mobs. Terrified and outmatched, the local law enforcement deserted en masse and left the city to the scraggly groups of bandits who continued their purge of witches for the next several months.
  
  
  
  Almost all records are lost from this lawless period, so it's impossible to come up with an estimate on the amount of carnage. In the autumn of 1888, refugees cautiously returned to the city with police and military escorts, and found, to their shock, a very calm and collected populace who had no memory of any violence occurring. After extinguishing a few fires in burnt-out buildings downtown, the refugees returned and normalcy returned to Ithaca. The Big Red even returned to action on the field, playing their opening game on October 28 against Palmyra High School, which they easily won, 26-0.

So there you have it, a quick primer on training camp outbreaks. So judge not, House Rock Built readers, for it's anyone's guess which campus will be the next victim. In the meantime, stay vigilant and do what I do to stay healthy: wash your hands in boiling bleach ten times a day.

Blogjammin': A Grimly Satisfying Evening With mgoblog

It's Michigan week, so you know what that means. It's time for me to don my traditional Mexican Wrestling mask and unitard and grapple with Brian Cook, the twisted puppet master at mgoblog. We try to be civil in our sparring matches, but once the ring gets filled with tapioca and the wrasslin' commences, it's kill or be killed out there.

Here's part one of our scintilating conversation, where we grapple with important topics like bratwurst made out of sex, world-destroying battles of übermensch punter-gods, the new Big 10 Morse Code Network, sushi on naked women, the sheer massivness of Ryan Mallett, and, occasionally, college football. Part two is over at mgo, here, so you can continue to soak up the madness over there. I'm gonna have a beer and a Vicodin, cause Cook eye-gouges and fishhooks like a crazy motherfucker. I'm in bold, he's in blue.

---

Fightinamish: You ready to tussle?

Brian Cook: Allright, I'm ready. I was finishing up my awesomely fun UFR for Oregon.

Lucky you!

It was awesome. I felt like I was having an ice cream cone made out of sex and brautwurst.

In South Bend they call that a "Charlie Weis". It costs $1.19 at most convenience stores. Cheese is extra.

Irish Cheddar, probably.

It's good stuff.

So should we start this thing?

Let's do it to it. So, right.  Watching the first half of the Oregon game, I kept thinking to myself that the entire Michigan team needs to, I don't know, see a therapist or something.  They look like a complete wreck psychologically.  Do you see the unraveling against Oregon as a direct effect of the loss the week before?

Well... insofar as the loss the week before indicated that our defense sucked, yes. Michigan has always had tons of trouble with spread option attacks until last year, Ohio State nonwithstanding, and that returned with a vengance for three simple reasons: our defensive line is bad, our linebackers are bad, and our secondary is bad. The rest of the implosion was bad luck (seriously: you put in a guy for one carry and he fumbles?) and Henne playing poorly. Oh, and our offensive coordinator being bad at life.

There's something to be said about healthy coping mechanisms.

So, more to the point, does Michigan actually suck or are they actually that top five team under some bizarre voodoo curse that will disappear once they drink the blood of a virgin... like a Catholic priest?

The defense actually sucks. The really sad thing about the Appalachian State game is that there was precious little trickery in their gameplan. They ran the same shotgun zone read handoff 21 times and gashed Michigan with it time and again. Against Oregon they were befuddled. The offense has a chance to be decent, though. They racked up a bunch of yards on both teams and only didn't score on Oregon because of a bunch of somewhat fluky turnovers and some cowardly offensive coordinating. The latter probably won't change but the former should. The offensive line has been pretty good so far, albeit against sketchy competition, and the run game has been good.

This matchup of Irish offense versus Michigan defense should be pretty hilarious.  What happens when the infinitely-resistable force meets the infinitely-movable object?

In this particular instance I think maybe the movable object? That offensive line seems to be the weakest unit amongst many, many weak units in this particular matchup, and one of the few moderately good performers the first couple weeks have  been Shawn Crable and Tim Jamison. Against a more conventional attack -- assuming Demetrius Jones doesn't make an appearance -- they should be more effective. Maybe. I hesitate to say anything positive about this Michigan team.

All hail Zoltan, our benevolent Space Emperor.

Except about Zoltan. Who is frickin' awesome.

He punted six Oregon guys to death last week.

And yet he is benevolent

If you bring him goulash, yes.

I'll be sure to prepare an offering.  He likes it served in the skull of his enemy, right?

Or upon the body of his newly acquired concubines. Like that sushi in Rising Sun.

Mmmm... fishy.  I say in the interest of saving both teams the humiliation of actually playing a game, we just have Geoff Price and Zoltan wrestle at midfield.  At the very least, it'll be letting the best players decide the game.

I would be up for that. At the very least we could get out of there in time to watch teams with, like, victories to their credit.

I take that back. Such an epic duel would probably take 77 years and 77 days.

And would probably destroy several surrounding villages. Millions would be homeless.


A village ten miles from the epicenter of the last Zoltan-Price fight that was completely leveled by the tremendous sonic boom.

And they would eat bears every once in a while

They've fought once before. Astronomers now refer to it as "The Big Bang".

We should totally set this up.

Severe danger of a punt knocking out a DirecTV satellite, though. And then what will the Big Ten Network do?

Late field goal block by App State, stop. Upset of century, stop. Pandemonium on the streets of Ann Arbor, stop.

Big Ten Morse Code.  Call your telegraph provider today and demand it for free!

Given the way the Appalachian State game turned out, that would do huge business in Michigan.

So... anyway. Jimmy Clausen: best swing-passing quarterback ever? How did you evaluate his starting debut? I was obviously a little underwhelmed.

It's obviously hard to make any judgment when your quarterback is either getting his head bashed in, handing the ball off for a negative gain, or throwing a swing pass.  With the combination of a clown car of offensive linemen in front of him and a pee-wee football playbook, it's a little early to make any judgment, positive or negative, about the wonderkid.  Of course, that hasn't stopped Irish fans and bloggers from raving about his "poise" and "composure".  I think a lot of that is reading a bit too much into the tea leaves.

That being said, I liked what I saw when he let the ball loose downfield.  The long pass to Parris where he scrambled out of certain death and threw a strike across his body on the run was a glimpse at what it is that made everyone drool over this kid in high school.  He also gets bonus points for walking out of Beaver Stadium without urine stains on his pants.  If that's not "poise", you tell me what is.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm writing the kid off, but I did think the whole poise thing was overrated. Several times he sat in the pocket until snowed under, taking an unnecessary -- but poised -- sack. Mallett, meanwhile, spent the second half of the Oregon game trying to friggin' kill his receivers by throwing it through their necks. Oh, and throwing balls 60 yards downfield. He was a little caffienated.

Only 60 yards?  That's a dump-off.  You're lucky he didn't throw it into Lake Huron

He looked a little pissed that the coaches were reining him in by not calling any of the routes that ended in Jackson.

Also tall. Pissed and tall.

He is big.  His legs are so long that he has two sets of knees.

He's Robot Paul Bunyan.

That's not a helmet he's wearing... it's an aquarium with wings painted on it.

I... what?

Ryan Mallett's customized helmet. Get it.. cause, like, he's got a big head and... nevermind.

Uh, he's big.  So big that it paralyzes the goofy metaphor region of my brain

Yeah, well, Clausen's so pointy he's, like, bad at football.

Take that.

Fatality.

Anyway, aside from being big and having the ability to throw the ball into another time zone, do you see him turning into a real quarterback while he's spelling Henne or is he still a ways off from being anything but a sideshow freak?

Can I retract something? I called Clausen "the kid". This is obviously incorrect. He's older than Greg Oden.

Clausen, Oden, and Muddy Waters all shared an apartment in Biloxi back in 1931.

I read that somewhere.


Actually, it wasn't an apartment... it was a tent in a shantytown. It was the Great Depression, of course.

Re: Mallett. I don't know. I was initially unimpressed by his debut, but when I went  back and reviewed the tape it looked like he threw a lot of balls that were accurate but, as mentioned, were thrown a million miles an hour into his receivers necks and were therefore dropped. The interception was going to be between Manningham's numbers on a post but Manningham fell down and deflected it upwards. Several of his incompletions were ridiculous longballs into coverage that Michigan was just throwing because it was third and very long and those were safe throws. Michigan obviously coddled him, running a lot, but also let him throw a surprising amount of stuff in between the hashmarks. I think there's a potential for effectiveness on Saturday.

There is also a fairly high probability of a couple interceptions.

But by god they will be really *moving* when they're picked off.

Go ahead and intercept my "broken metatarsal special"... if you dare.

Wait, Google reveals I mean to say "metacarpal"... not that any of our readers would ever find that out.

No problem. Mallett throws it so hard that when it hits your hands it breaks your foot.

---

Whoo, doggy. That's some good stuff. You can read the thrilling conclusion here, if you dare.

Lord Gamblor Giveth, and Lord Gamblor Taketh Away

Those of you keeping score at home are probably wondering if the House Rock Built is still alive, after a disastrous gambling incident resulting in not one, not two, but six fucking slaps being dealt upon your beloved fightinamish. Fire Mark May has the blow-by-blow, and the official video of the street justice that ensued. Everybody under 17 years old, please leave the room. This video is not for innocent eyes.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Mayhem at the Weis Trial

Things have gone a little bit crazy over at the Charlie Weis malpractice trial. After two weeks of testimony, the case was going to be sent to the jury tomorrow for deliberations, but a sudden freak accident has caused the case to be declared a mistrial. A juror collapsed during testimony, and the defendants as well as a few other doctors in the court rushed to his aid. After the juror was carted off, the judge determined there was no way that the incident would keep the jury objective in their deliberations, and declared a mistrial.

Sadly, there are no photographs of the incident, since the courtroom is closed off to the media. However, The House Rock Built thought ahead and sent a courtroom illustrator to the hearing to capture the important moments of this huge case. We just got this scanned copy of his drawing e-mailed over, so we have the breaking scoop on what happened, through the eyes of a first-hand observer. Check it out:

The only way Weis could have a "jury of his peers" was to have a pirate, a viking, and an eskimo on the jury.

We'll keep you posted as the news develops. I think our sketch artist made a few more drawings that should be reaching us later today.

Happy Mardi Gras!

To all my Catholic readers out there, I hope everybody has a happy Mardi Gras! For those of you in warm climates, go flash your hooters at some random people and get some beads, and Laissez les bon temps rouler! For you Chicagoans, I would like to strongly discourage any of that behavior, what with the brutal cold and all. I lifted up my shirt for a bunch of soririty girls and now I'm rushing to the hospital with my left nipple packed in ice hoping against hope that they'll be able to reattach it.

Anyway, I'll be out this morning, but I should be back online this afternoon depending how the surgery goes. Keep an eye out for the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" camera crews. Incidentally, Zach Braff's co-star John C. McGinley looks like he's lined up some work playing Jared Zabransky in "Boise State! (The Musical)".

You didn't see me at the Convention in Berlin? That's because I videoconferenced.

Busy Week... Posting to Resume After Weekend

Well, not a whole hell of a lot is happening in football in these dog days of January. You can check out the latest tidbits at the Fanhouse... Charlie Weis going to trial, the Charlie vs. Urban Deathmatch, and Victor Abiamiri's enormous hands, but you've probably heard all that news already.

Me, I've had a minor setback due to a particularly violent game of pickup football in Wicker Park, so I'm taking some doctor-ordered bedrest. Hey, it was fourth down and the game was on the line... sometimes you just have to be a good soldier and make the ultimate sacrifice. Pray for mojo.

It's all about sacrificing everything for victory. Scars heal, glory is forever. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Love Your Friends? Prove it With Presents!

The House has been AWOL today due to very important and pressing issues (forearm stuck in a vending machine... again), but thanks to some friendly firefighters and the jaws of life, we're back in business. I've got some special projects that I'm going to try to get wrapped up by tomorrow, so keep your head on a swivel. In the meantime, have a look-see at the latest offering from the House Rock Built Shop, which commemorate our new favorite crusty college football coach and our grassroots campaign to give Boston College a coach truly worthy of their program's storied history. With the holiday season coming up, it's getting time to think about that gift to get the person who has everything. Remember, nothing says "I'm sorry I cheated on you with the cigarette girl from the Rusty Lizard" quite like some piping hot House Rock Built merch.

   

Other Favorites:
Michigan: Canada's Alabama Ladies' Tee Men's Tee I Fish Kafka Brady's Ladies Tank Top Jersey Tee Camisole Paterno Loves Brains! Mackerel-Snapping Anarchist	SAMARDJZIXARZIKYZKA Ladies' Tee Baseball Jersey Behold, the Slant! The House Rock Built: Football & Jesus T-Shirt Mug Who All Seen the Leprechaun? It's 49-21, Sweetheart

Howard Schnellenberger... On Recruiting

Howard Schnellenberger Says... "Back in '82, there was this kid who lived on a farm in Kentucky that all the scouts said I had to see. So as I'm driving down his 2 mile long driveway, I come around a bend and see this big feller, buck nekkid, strangling a 2,000 pound bull with his bare hands. When I introduced myself to the kid, he bit my hand as hard as he could, tearing open a wound that would later take 14 stitches to close. I offered him a scholarship right then and there."

Reggie Ball Participates in Dr. Pepper Challenge: Ends Up Owing Money

Typically, the Dr. Pepper Challenge that takes place during the conference championship involves picking some gomer out of the crowd to come up and huck footballs at an oversized Dr. Pepper can for a chance to win a million dollars. This year they flipped the script a little bit, pulling Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball out of the locker room to compete for the big bucks. For those of you who haven't seen it before, here's a quick recap of the rules.

You see, you start off with ten throws from five yards out, with each one being worth $10,000. After that, you take one more throw from 25 yards. If you make it, it multiplies your payout by 10.

In an unprecedented run of futility, Reggie Ball concluded the challenge with a negative balance.

"This is undoubtedly the first time I've ever seen anything like this before," said Dr. Pepper Challenge commissioner Jim Trebilcock. "Not only did he miss every pass, but after you factor in the property damage he caused to the oversized can and camera equipment, the personal injury settlement for the photographer next to the target, and the dramatic drop in sales for Dr. Pepper products as a result of this on-air humiliation, you can rest assured that Reggie Ball will be receiving a hefty bill from Cadbury Schweppes Corporation."

Photographer Mick Henderson (right) is listed as being in stable yet critical condition

Off the Southern California!

Well, I'm heading out to SoCal today for some turkey, some fun, and then... then, my friends... bloody vengeance. I'll try to do some more posting, but it's going to be dodgy as I bounce around from place to place. At any rate, those of you watching the game at home should keep an eye on the field in the postgame handshake, because when the Irish win, I'm going to storm the field, steal Traveler, and joyride around the streets of Los Angeles a la Marshawn Lynch, knocking over USC fans and flinging horse manure at the non-believers. Glory. Stone. Rack me, I'm out.

Coccyges heal, glory is forever. Dangerous is nothing.

Blogjammin': The Boi From Troy

While it somewhat flies in the face of the spirit of Hate Week, I did keep up with my tradition of reaching out and chatting with an enemy blogger about the upcoming throwdown. Decked out in leather helmets and protective cups, the Boi From Troy and I had a civil chat about the game and used the opportunity to answer some burning questions about our rivals.

And then to fulfill our obligations as enemy fans during Hate Week, we both dressed up like pirates and had a heated slap fight.

I do it for the fans.

Anyway, you can read the other half here (link pending), and here's my interview with BFT:

• Okay, take a step back and pretend that Pete Carroll is the coach of another team... perhaps even your rival team. Would you hate his guts? I mean, have you seen the man's website?
  
  

  If Carroll were able to do for UCLA, Cal or anyone else, I would hate him as much as Irish fans hate Ty Willingham or Bob Davie.  I also hate USC's websites, which, I promise, will have some kind of flash animation before the season is done touting the unprecedented, history-making 2006 football team.  That said, as a person, I really like Pete Carroll.  His optimism is so uplifting, I think I'd like him to run for Governor when Arnold is termed out.

  
  
  
  Think big, man... President Pete Carroll.
  
  
• This clearly isn't the same juggernaut Trojan team from the previous few years, and yet here they are with a Pac 10 title in hand and two wins away from a national championship game. How has this team managed to sustain their level of success despite undergoing a major face lift?
  
  

  Whereas Notre Dame front-loaded its schedule, this Trojan team has a back-loaded schedule.  That has allowed them to improve over the course of the season to the point that they've been able to beat teams that would have grossly out-matched them in September. The other major factor is the defense.  Because the offense has been more methodical in years past, the defense has a chance to rest, make adjustments and game-plan--thus holding two of the most productive offenses in the nation--Oregon and Cal--to ten points or less.

  
  
  
• Which part of this Trojan team scares you the most? That is to say, what weakness or vulnerability keeps you up at night worrying?
  
  

  Two things scare me, especially as this Trojan team matches up against Notre Dame.  Despite improvements to the Special Teams, our punt coverage leaves alot to be desired.  Had they not given up a return for a touchdown against Oregon State, we would not be talking about a Michigan-Ohio State rematch right now.  Likewise, the offense's inability to finish drives this year is frustrating.  While Booty's numbers are comparable to Leinart and Palmer--if not better--we're just not punching the ball in for points.  Against a team like Notre Dame, that could spell trouble. 

  
  
  
  This man is very, very disappointed in you.
  
  
• How do you see this game going down? A "last one to score wins" shootout like last year? A surprisingly low-scoring grindout? As a follow-up, which type of game do you think would give Southern Cal the best shot at winning?
  
  

  I'd like to say that I think it will play out alot like last week's Cal game--a defensive battle opened up late by the Trojans--but I know better.  I think Notre Dame will put Quinn in the shotgun to avoid him getting pressured and making mistakes like he did against Michigan.  USC will try to take Samardzija out like they did with Cal's DeSean Jackson, by having Cushing jam him at the line--especially now that Carlson is out of the equation--which will lead to lots of screen passes to Darius Walker...which will allow Notre Dame to get some long drives, but not necessarily score touchdowns in the red zone.
  
  Meanwhile, on the offensive side of the ball, USC is going to try to run C.J. Gable for a hundred yards or more--regardless of whether they succeed--which means the game will come down to John David Booty's ability to find Steve Smith or Dwayne Jarrett on third or fourth down.
  
  I also expect Charlie Weis to do an onside kick after halftime.

  
  
  
• Do you think that this game should be a play-in for the BCS title game? More to the point, if Notre Dame should somehow find a way to win this game, who would you put in the second spot against OSU?
  
  

  Sorry, but that loss against Michigan gives the Wolverines an advantage head-to-head.  However, I'd put Florida or Arkansas in the title game before wanting to see a rematch.  Imagine what would happen if Michigan were to win the BCS game--the winner of a Notre Dame-SEC Champion Sugar Bowl could lay a fair claim to a national title as well.

  
  
  
  Stupid us, not losing to an unranked team.
  
  
• You have lots of connections in the USC athletic department, so do you know who killed Nicole and Ron?
  
  

  By "connections" you must mean "cancelled checks"...  While I know the BoiFromTroy is read at Heritage Hall, I do not think the Boi is all too welcome.  As far as Ron and Nicole are concerned, I have to plead the fifth...just like O.J.

Solid answers from BFT. You may now resume your regularly-scheduled hate.

Blogpoll: Too Obsessed With Southern Cal to Come Up With Good Snark Edition

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	--
2	Southern Cal	2
3	Florida	2
4	Michigan	2
5	Notre Dame	2
6	Arkansas	--
7	Boise State	3
8	Wisconsin	3
9	Auburn	4
10	LSU	2
11	Rutgers	8
12	Georgia Tech	4
13	Louisville	5
14	Texas	--
15	Boston College	4
16	West Virginia	1
17	Virginia Tech	7
18	Oklahoma	2
19	Tennessee	4
20	Brigham Young	2
21	Nebraska	2
22	Wake Forest	13
23	Hawaii	2
24	California	6
25	Houston	1
Dropped Out: Maryland (#21).

Do me a favor right now. Go down to your basement or crawl space or wherever it is you store all your cardboard boxes from when you moved into your current residence. Gather them all up and pile them up in the center of your living room. Now, get violently, violently, violently drunk off of the brown liquor of your choosing. Now, off with those pants. Done all that? Allright, now throw Dropkick Murphy's "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" into your stereo and crank it as loud as humanly possible. The intro is a little slow, so get yourself psyched up by slapping yourself as hard as possible in the face on every downbeat.

The second you start hearing screaming, take off at a full sprint and jump onto your couch, catapult yourself in the air with the natural springiness of the cushions, do a triply Lindy, and come crashing down onto your pile of boxes with the full unearthly force of the great girth God gave ya.

Repeat.

It's fucking USC week.



Which reminds me... blogpoll...

Enjoy that number two ranking, bitchfaces.


• Michigan drops down to 4 after the loss. Michigan is a great team this year, but I think it's pretty clear to everybody they got completely outclassed by Ohio State. Despite what the final score said, it wasn't even all that close. Ohio State rolled up 500 yards of offense. Michigan scores a purely cosmetic touchdown and conversion aided on a phantom pass interference to end all phantom pass interferences. And Ohio State still enjoyed a double-digit lead despite three gift-wrapped turnovers that must have been caused by the invisible hand of Bo Schembechler reaching up onto the field.
  
  It's silly to put Michigan at number 2 right now, because a rematch would be pretty pointless. Although, quite frankly, I'm getting the feeling that the BCS Championship game is pretty pointless at this time.
  
  (yeah, I said "up")
  
  
• Not particularly interested in the rest of the poll. I kept the Rutgers-Louisville-West Virginia chain intact, which apparently all the other pollsters are too cool to do. Seriously, how is West Virginia ranked ahead of Louisville? Are you going to give me the "They're clearly not the same team that they were a few weeks ago" shtick?

The House Rock Built is Woozy

Sorry for the lack of updateage, but life intervenes. A large portion of my day was lost to a blood drive at the office, where the House Rock Built made its official donation to the blood supply. That's good news for you O-Negative Chicagoans out there, as it means you can ignore your nagging overprotective wife and go ahead and trim those pesky tree branches with a chainsaw in the middle of the night after drinking two bottles of wine without fear. I've got your back.

I fixed the newel post, honey!

Two lessons learned. First, when a screener asks you if you have been to Botswana and had sexual relations there in the last twelve months, answering "That's classified" and winking will not elicit the slightest of laughs. Second, you don't want to piss off somebody who is about to jam a needle into your arm.


There's more alcohol in that bag than there is in your entire refrigerator.

Anyway, everything started to get a little bit woozy after that. I had these crazy visions of John L. Smith getting fired. Then I had visions of winning a major award over at the blogpoll. Then, I spent a few hours wandering around in traffic on the Kennedy expressway.

Long story short, I decided to invent a drink to commemorate John L.'s sad and grisly departure from the coaching scene. I was thinking of something that can truly encapsulate the bitter and gag-inducing horror that was Johnelle's career, and I think I came up with a winner. So here's the "Screaming Johnelle":

• Donate a pint of blood.
• Run up two flights of stairs.
• Do three shots of tequila.

Do one of these, and you instantly transform into Mike Valenti, two of these and your boss screams at you for urinating in a plant in the center of the office and sends your disgraceful ass home in a cab. Score, three day weekend! Prost!