What You Sippin' On?

There's just not enough to write about these days, but the tension in the air is palpable. The season is nigh approaching, and thoughts start turning to lazy Saturday mornings, frenzied afternoon bacchanals, and hangovers that start almost immediately following the game and last through Sunday. We've been finding ourselves more and more at our local drinking establishments pondering the delicious value added of enjoying our favorite beverages in both sun and shade. We've even been coming up with some new concoctions we feel would bring the added elements of both refreshment and surprise to any tailgater.

Of course, this is where we say "You know how your favorite popular team is like this hilarious beverage?" Nay. Form your own conclusions.

So, college football boozehounds, what you sippin' on?

Tucker Max Death Mix
The gold standard and slightly cliched energy beverage guaranteed to take years off of your life. We know this and we still dont care. Mix 2 cans of Red Bull, one fifth of Everclear, and 32oz of the traditional yellow Gatorade chilled over ice for this trip to irrational exuberance. Personally, we're not saying we've already stolen the local McDonald's Orange Bowl to facilitate such a beverage...but we're not NOT saying it either.


Rum and Ice
On the other side of the boozing spectrum, we're also stocking up on quality depressants as well. Might as well prepare for the worst too, right? When the stark reality of your alma mater posting another lackluster season hits you in the face like a 3 month long bitch slap, you'll be glad you prepared. Rum. Ice. The combination of drunken poet kings, the utterly hopeless, and the generally deadbeat alike.


Red Moco Cooler!
The crazy half-brother of exuberance, irrational binge drinking. We're planning all sorts of ways to kick back like a senile Southern gentleman, but we doff our box social caps to the most recent creation of Dr. Rusty Venture. Kahlua, Hershey's syrup, and a dash of Red Kool-Aid! That.....sounds......HORRIBLE! Horrible indeed. For the thoroughly confused genteel boozer.


Purple Drank
The obligatory roll slower of the bunch. Specifically recommended for large, once-prominent, fan bases to resign themselves to the fate of interminable mediocrity. Grab some promethazine and jolly ranchers as you mix yourselves a tall glass of acceptance. Remarkably enough, the purple color is more than appropriate.


Barenjager
Finally, we would be remiss to leave out our favorite pregame activity, bearhunting. The Baron as we affectionately call it (along with Das Bearmeister, Der Bearhunterr, and NO! GOD NO!) is a tasty Bavarian treat for all seasons when properly chilled. The lovely carrying case is also built into the wicker handle, always ensuring that the meady liquer is always close by. Be warned, in large enough doses, bearhunting is the realest shit ever.


What about the rest of our loyal readers? We're sure the dozens of you all over the world have your own pregame preferences. No reason to keep secrets. We're all friends here.

"Hand", "Sticky Situation", "Gets Off Easy", and "Hookers". Make Your Own Headline

The good news for Darrell Hand? He gets to stay on the football team. The bad news? He still has to pay Frank.

Now there's a head-scratcher. In case you haven't heard already, DT Darrell Hand was officially handed down his punishment today for his, um dramatic re-enactment of "Pretty Woman". The punishment: he gets to stay in school and will miss three football games.

Those of you keeping score at home, that's one semester suspension from school and athletics for having a spliff in your car and 180 minutes of benchwarming for cruising for hookers. You figure that one out.

Anyway, I did my heavy-handed serious piece on the whole situation over at the Fanhouse, so you can go over the gory details and the potential fallout from this decision over there. Here at the HRB, it's all about fun and games and fart jokes, so I'll lay off anything too preachy at this venue. The bottom line, though, is that there are four possible explanations for what happened:

1.) The University magically decided to take a different approach to athlete suspensions and show more care and common sense than in the previous cases, which were brutal by even the strictest standards. They also decided to do this without telling anybody and the day before a football player got busted. Prognosis: Uh, not likely.

2.) Since soliciting a prostitute is not strictly addressed in the parameters of du Lac (the holy parchment for disciplinary action), whereas there is clear verbage on more commonplace malfeasances like smoking a doobie, Hand skated by on a technicality. Let's call it the Farmer Hoggett Exemption: if there's nothing in the holy parchment that specifically forbids it, then it's OK. Prognosis: Uh, also unlikely. I got busted for holding and booking bets on unsanctioned giraffe races on North Quad my sophomore year, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in du Lac expressly prohibiting that.

3.) The old "selling your soul for football glory" thing...

4.) There's more to this case than we know about, and a thorough review of the case and its circumstances showed that Hand's specific situation was much different than what the headlines will tell you. There is enough exonerating evidence to show no criminal misconduct (i.e., Darrell just told the hooker a dirty knock-knock joke instead of requesting sex for money). Cooler heads prevail and a slap on the wrist is issued.

Please, little baby Jesus, let it be number four. I've always felt that this needed to be done anyway, especially since ResLife (as you students and alumni can undoubtedly confirm) has always had a "shoot first, ask questions later" policy in terms of doling out discipline. If it took the time to hear out the merits of the case and take it for its individual circumstances, well, that would just be a big leap forward for the way student affairs are handled at the dome and a very good sign. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see what more information is released. If we don't hear anything by the time Hand is running around decleating offensive linemen, then popular opinion (and mine as well) will start swaying toward any combination of the other three alternatives.

Ugh. Enough of that. Time for fun and games. My ultra-scientific blogpoll ballot will be released later tonight. In the meantime, be a good Christian and put down the hashpipe and get yourself a streetwalker.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Well, kids, it's been a while since the House has rapped with you, so I thought I'd drop in and reintroduce myself. Like all of you, I'm struggling through the dark ages of the football offseason and doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Between my Vegas trip (and subsequent trial and acquittal), a new job, baseball season, the NHL playoffs, and my triumphant return to the dating scene, there hasn't been much time to keep the House updated, and for that I deeply apologize.

Not a whole lot has happened this last month, but here's a brief rundown of what has gone down under the dome:

• Brady Quinn performed the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Field yesterday, alongside teammates Ryan Harris and Dan Santucci while wearing a Jackie Robinson Dodgers jersey.





• The recruiting class got a bit bigger, as TE Kyle Rudolph, LB David Posluszny (the All-American's younger brother), and LB Anthony McDonald jumped on board. Dogbook capsules will be up soon, but for now, feast away on some Neil Diamond, you junkies.





• The Spring Game is this Saturday. Amazingly, the forecast is calling for temperatures in the 60's and clear skies, which I will believe when I see. The House Rock Built will be out in full force, pounding beers, beating up nerds, and belting out ear-piercing karaoke of Journey's greatest hits. If any readers are in South Bend, you're more than welcome to swing by and say "yo" and pound a beer with the editorial staff. Details will be made available as they arise.

Mayhem at the Weis Trial

Things have gone a little bit crazy over at the Charlie Weis malpractice trial. After two weeks of testimony, the case was going to be sent to the jury tomorrow for deliberations, but a sudden freak accident has caused the case to be declared a mistrial. A juror collapsed during testimony, and the defendants as well as a few other doctors in the court rushed to his aid. After the juror was carted off, the judge determined there was no way that the incident would keep the jury objective in their deliberations, and declared a mistrial.

Sadly, there are no photographs of the incident, since the courtroom is closed off to the media. However, The House Rock Built thought ahead and sent a courtroom illustrator to the hearing to capture the important moments of this huge case. We just got this scanned copy of his drawing e-mailed over, so we have the breaking scoop on what happened, through the eyes of a first-hand observer. Check it out:

The only way Weis could have a "jury of his peers" was to have a pirate, a viking, and an eskimo on the jury.

We'll keep you posted as the news develops. I think our sketch artist made a few more drawings that should be reaching us later today.

Happy Mardi Gras!

To all my Catholic readers out there, I hope everybody has a happy Mardi Gras! For those of you in warm climates, go flash your hooters at some random people and get some beads, and Laissez les bon temps rouler! For you Chicagoans, I would like to strongly discourage any of that behavior, what with the brutal cold and all. I lifted up my shirt for a bunch of soririty girls and now I'm rushing to the hospital with my left nipple packed in ice hoping against hope that they'll be able to reattach it.

Anyway, I'll be out this morning, but I should be back online this afternoon depending how the surgery goes. Keep an eye out for the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" camera crews. Incidentally, Zach Braff's co-star John C. McGinley looks like he's lined up some work playing Jared Zabransky in "Boise State! (The Musical)".

You didn't see me at the Convention in Berlin? That's because I videoconferenced.

I'm Pretty Sure This is One of the Five Steps of Grieving

Everybody's pretty wrecked up about this whole Justin Trattou thing. We're in the five stages of grieving, and some people are whipping through them at a more accelerated rate than the others. Dink, for example, has bypassed the Denial and Bargaining and gone straight to Anger. Good on him.

(click image for full-size cartoon)

Special Guest Blogger: Nick Saban

I'm taking the afternoon off to get my car out of the impound lot... long story, but my consiglieri advised me it's okay for me to reiterate that all of those spider monkeys in the crates were fully licensed and part of a completely legitimate business arrangement. Anyway, Nick Saban volunteered to guest blog today to keep you savages entertained this lovely Friday morning. Enjoy. -fightinamish

Man Alive, Life is Busy This Time of Year!

Greetings, gentle readers, it's Nick Saban, but you can go ahead and call me Nick, or Nickles, or the Sabe-meister, as all of those are loving sobriquets my dearest of dear friends often use when referring to me in the vocative form. Whatever makes you most comfortable, quite frankly. Fightinamish told me to give you cats a scoop on the life of the Sabe-meister, and I'll be damned if I'm going to hang up the whole mutual enjoyment of it all on formalities surrounding appellations, you hear?

Look at me, I'm getting carried away. You guys really need to let me know if I start carrying on like that, otherwise I'm liable to spend this entire chat session boring you to death with my niceties and the like. So you want to hear about the life of Big Nickles, do you? Well, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it's a billowing bag of crazy, particularly this time of year, what with my big fancy job change and my new digs coaching at the great University of Alabama, God love 'em. How about I give you a whiff of it by giving you a sneak peek at my dayplanner? It's a rare treat, as the Nickster keeps this baby under lock and key most of the year. So have a gander, will you?



As you can see, there's not a single moment that I have to myself as I busy myself with preparations for the next season. Hell, there's hardly even any room for my signature doodles that help me unwind. See, I'm heading out on a big ole recruiting trip next week and hitting up every high school, chatting with the young men, sizing up some talent, and, of course, enjoying me some lovely home cooking from the charming and fascinating mothers of these young men who will be the future of Alabama football.

Let's see here... the 19th is an interview with the Arizona Cardinals, then it's back onto the duties of the head coaching job at the University of Alabama, which, I might add, is the finest head coaching job in college or professionall football, as I tour around some of the great alumni and booster clubs, shaking hands, talking football, and speaking to all these great supporters of the team about the long and prosperous future of the program under Nick Saban. It's going to be a gas, and it will be a great opportunity to show off my devotion to this University of Alabama football coaching legacy that I am just tickled to be the benefactor of. See, there's been some talk that I'm disloyal, which suffice to say is insulting and damaging to my character. I'm looking forward to talking to these folks face to face so I can put to bed once and for all these outlandish rumors and show them how genuine I am.

A quick jaunt over to Tulsa for some more recruiting and a quick sitdown with the University of Tulsa folks, then I'm off to Costa Rica for some R&R. You know, a chance to cool my jets a little bit and clear my mind. I always find it's easier to design the future of a football team in those peaceful and serene surroundings. Plus, my old friend Wayne Huizenga will be stopping by, so we can chat for a few hours about the recently-vacant head coaching gig for the Miami Dolphins, you know, spitball some ideas back and forth. I don't want to send the wrong impression, no sir, I am Alabama for life. However, I'd be doing myself a disservice (and being rude to my dear friend Wayne Huizenga at the same time) if I refused to sit down for an hour or two and get a good sense of what's out there.

But don't get the wrong impression, it's not all fun & games. No sir, once I'm done with my mini-vacation, it's right back to work for the University of Alabama. I'll be moving into my big new office and getting myself nice and comfortable for a real long career coaching at the finest University in the land. I'm shipping my vintage mahogany desk in (I found it in an antique store in Baton Rogue several years ago... it was hand-crafted by Dutch merchants back in the 16th century... a real one-of-a-kind), interviewing for the Oakland Raiders job, getting my voicemail set up, introducing myself to the support staff, familiarizing myself with campus, sending out a few more resumes, touring the practice facilities, and, at the end of the day, settling down at my trusty phone to keep in contact with all the recruits, both from this class and the class of 2008. Whew! No sleep for the wicked, am I right?

After that, it's basically just day-in and day-out stuff... you know, the not-so-glamorous hard work of the coaching job that you probably didn't even know existed. Some fellas over at Viacom will be stopping by to chat with the Sabermeister about their CEO job, which I guess just opened up. Keep in mind, ole coach Nick is Bama for life, but it's always good to check out other markets and at least get an idea of what else is going on in the world, am I right? Coach Nick is probably going to have to do some research about this "Viacom", at least enough to sound like I know what I'm talking about during the interv-... well, let's just call it a friendly meeting.

Well, my my, look at me. I did it again, rambling on and boring you to death. Didn't I tell you to stop me if I started to do that again? Well, no bother. I should probably get moving along, anyway. I'd better get back to my job... I'm going to have to be on top of everything if I'm going to keep this job for the rest of my life. These folks at Bama sure have high expectations, but I promise you I will spend every last waking hour of my life working round the clock to make sure those big dreams come true. Catch you on the flipside, readers. And thanks for letting me jaw with the readers, fightinamish. Hopefully I didn't do such a good job that your readers will be demanding that I write full-time. But, hey, you know who to call if they do.

Oh, Song Girls. Words Cannot Describe My Relationship With You

Let's just say that my relationship with the USC Song Girls is marked with peaks and valleys. From day to day, it ranges from soaring admiration and true unselfish love to shock and confusion while yet another 500-yard restraining order is slapped on me in a Los Angeles county courtroom. Yet, throughout these trials and tribulations, I have always remained faithful.

Anywho, the Song Girls restored my faith in songgirldom this afternoon with yet another display of empty-headed ineptitude. I'm sure all of you remember last year's gaffe when a Song Girl cheered for Vince Young's game-winning touchdown, and history found a way to repeat itself today. Witness, if you will, a Song Girl cheering on the UCLA extra point. Sigh. If any of those lovely ladies need a personal tutor in the intricacies of the college football game, well, the House Rock Built Academy for the Advancement of Hot and Really Skinny California Babes in College Football Rules Comprehension (tHRBAoH&RSCBiCFBRC, to the layman) is open 24/7. For serious.

Back From Compton

Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen. I spent today in a medically-induced coma attempting to reset my internal clock after time zone changes, turkey naps, brown liquor benders, and football-induced post-traumatic stress. As your loyal Notre Dame blogger and witness-slash-active participant in this weekend's football game, I certainly do owe the readers my take on the game, the season, and the general standing of the team today. Alas, that's going to wait a couple days as my perspective begins to heal with further removal from the game in LA. Also, I have to call Enterprise and explain to them why I torched their rental car. Thank god for the damage waiver insurance.

For my instant analysis, you can scoot over to the fanhouse, where I pitch in my two cents and link up some more verbage on the game. If you're desperate for a soundbite, then how about this: USC is really, really, spooky good. When Pete Carroll can get his hands on gobs of defensive talent, he can do some frightening things that make you want to cry. This Irish 2006 squad is a big-hearted group, but ultimately you can't ignore that it's a patchwork job in terms of overall talent and depth on both sides of the ball. There's enough good coaching to make these deficiencies a non-issue against more middling barely-bowl-eligible opponents, but when it's time to dance with the big boys, it's a lot harder to hide what's flapping in the breeze.

Anyway, like I said, there's going to be some detailed analysis coming later this week, but also some fun stuff too. Alas, it's silly season, so we can step aside from our heated weekly battles and pay attention to the funny stuff that really makes college football great. Like, for example, comparing the hotness of the wives of recently-fired coaches. Sneak preview: John Bunting's better half, Dawn, wins some killer points for her ability to pound down beers like a filthy truck stop call girl.

She might not win in a beauty pagent, but she sure as shit could brain Shari Shula with an empty Bud bottle.

Blogjammin': The Boi From Troy

While it somewhat flies in the face of the spirit of Hate Week, I did keep up with my tradition of reaching out and chatting with an enemy blogger about the upcoming throwdown. Decked out in leather helmets and protective cups, the Boi From Troy and I had a civil chat about the game and used the opportunity to answer some burning questions about our rivals.

And then to fulfill our obligations as enemy fans during Hate Week, we both dressed up like pirates and had a heated slap fight.

I do it for the fans.

Anyway, you can read the other half here (link pending), and here's my interview with BFT:

• Okay, take a step back and pretend that Pete Carroll is the coach of another team... perhaps even your rival team. Would you hate his guts? I mean, have you seen the man's website?
  
  

  If Carroll were able to do for UCLA, Cal or anyone else, I would hate him as much as Irish fans hate Ty Willingham or Bob Davie.  I also hate USC's websites, which, I promise, will have some kind of flash animation before the season is done touting the unprecedented, history-making 2006 football team.  That said, as a person, I really like Pete Carroll.  His optimism is so uplifting, I think I'd like him to run for Governor when Arnold is termed out.

  
  
  
  Think big, man... President Pete Carroll.
  
  
• This clearly isn't the same juggernaut Trojan team from the previous few years, and yet here they are with a Pac 10 title in hand and two wins away from a national championship game. How has this team managed to sustain their level of success despite undergoing a major face lift?
  
  

  Whereas Notre Dame front-loaded its schedule, this Trojan team has a back-loaded schedule.  That has allowed them to improve over the course of the season to the point that they've been able to beat teams that would have grossly out-matched them in September. The other major factor is the defense.  Because the offense has been more methodical in years past, the defense has a chance to rest, make adjustments and game-plan--thus holding two of the most productive offenses in the nation--Oregon and Cal--to ten points or less.

  
  
  
• Which part of this Trojan team scares you the most? That is to say, what weakness or vulnerability keeps you up at night worrying?
  
  

  Two things scare me, especially as this Trojan team matches up against Notre Dame.  Despite improvements to the Special Teams, our punt coverage leaves alot to be desired.  Had they not given up a return for a touchdown against Oregon State, we would not be talking about a Michigan-Ohio State rematch right now.  Likewise, the offense's inability to finish drives this year is frustrating.  While Booty's numbers are comparable to Leinart and Palmer--if not better--we're just not punching the ball in for points.  Against a team like Notre Dame, that could spell trouble. 

  
  
  
  This man is very, very disappointed in you.
  
  
• How do you see this game going down? A "last one to score wins" shootout like last year? A surprisingly low-scoring grindout? As a follow-up, which type of game do you think would give Southern Cal the best shot at winning?
  
  

  I'd like to say that I think it will play out alot like last week's Cal game--a defensive battle opened up late by the Trojans--but I know better.  I think Notre Dame will put Quinn in the shotgun to avoid him getting pressured and making mistakes like he did against Michigan.  USC will try to take Samardzija out like they did with Cal's DeSean Jackson, by having Cushing jam him at the line--especially now that Carlson is out of the equation--which will lead to lots of screen passes to Darius Walker...which will allow Notre Dame to get some long drives, but not necessarily score touchdowns in the red zone.
  
  Meanwhile, on the offensive side of the ball, USC is going to try to run C.J. Gable for a hundred yards or more--regardless of whether they succeed--which means the game will come down to John David Booty's ability to find Steve Smith or Dwayne Jarrett on third or fourth down.
  
  I also expect Charlie Weis to do an onside kick after halftime.

  
  
  
• Do you think that this game should be a play-in for the BCS title game? More to the point, if Notre Dame should somehow find a way to win this game, who would you put in the second spot against OSU?
  
  

  Sorry, but that loss against Michigan gives the Wolverines an advantage head-to-head.  However, I'd put Florida or Arkansas in the title game before wanting to see a rematch.  Imagine what would happen if Michigan were to win the BCS game--the winner of a Notre Dame-SEC Champion Sugar Bowl could lay a fair claim to a national title as well.

  
  
  
  Stupid us, not losing to an unranked team.
  
  
• You have lots of connections in the USC athletic department, so do you know who killed Nicole and Ron?
  
  

  By "connections" you must mean "cancelled checks"...  While I know the BoiFromTroy is read at Heritage Hall, I do not think the Boi is all too welcome.  As far as Ron and Nicole are concerned, I have to plead the fifth...just like O.J.

Solid answers from BFT. You may now resume your regularly-scheduled hate.

Dink & Dunk: Game of the Century (Stifle Your Laughter) Edition

Wink Dinkins and Buck Dunkowitz couldn't do their normal Wednesday featurette because they were in prison. But thanks to the House's chief consiglieri and illegal searches being inadmissible, they're back in action. This week they take on last night's West Virginia-Louisville game.

• What's going on? There's no football game on ESPN tonight, it's just the "Eleven Man Hundred-Yard Dash Presented by Papa John's ®". Seriously, is tackling illegal in the Big East?
  
  

  Speaking of Papa John's, do you think Urban Meyer has season tickets to Louisville games? After all, his identical twin brother owns the naming rights to the stadium:
  
  




• God gave us eyes because he loves us and wants us to be able to see Erin Andrews. He is a good God.
  
  
  
  

  Testify, my brother.

  
  
  
• Am I on drugs or did they just promo the Boston College - Wake Forest game as "a crucial game in determining the ACC championship"? On a night where a Thursday night Big East game is a pivotal game in the BCS title picture? I need to sit down and take a Valium, the room is spinning.

  I'm beginning to really appreciate the irony that since Miami, V Tech, and BC went to the ACC, the Big East has turned into an automatic BCS Championship berth and the ACC is struggling to place a team in the top 20. It's delicious.

  
  
  
• Down 17 points with 6 minutes left? No need to panic, Mountaineers fans. Kevin Pitsnoggle is going to get unchained and win the game at the buzzer. I've seen this one too many times.
  
  
  
  

  Clearly, this isn't a Big East basketball game. One team almost has fifty points!

  
  
  
• Thank you, Mark May, for chipping in your brilliant analysis: "Louisville impressed tonight both on offense and defense". What, might I ask, would you consider to be unimpressive if you're impressed by giving up 575 yards and 34 points?
  
  

  It may not sound impressive, but think of it this way. Louisville's D held one of the best offenses in the country to only 121 yards over their season average. That's just a little over 1.2 football fields more offense then they put up against the likes of Eastern Washington, Marshall, and Syracuse. Kudos!

  
  
  
  France, 1940. Another phenomenal defensive effort.
  
  

And... it's over. An epic matchup of two teams who will both be ranked higher than Notre Dame come next week. Thanks for chiming in, fellas.
-amish

Two Minutes on College Football by Andy Rooney

So after I watched Charlie Weis' piece on 60 Minutes last night, I stuck around and caught Andy Rooney's segment on "What's the Deal With Cities With Crazy Names?" And, of course, inspiration struck. That's the kind of hard-hitting journalism we need here at the House Rock Built! A few e-mail exchanges later, and Andy politely agreed to guest blog about college football. Here is his (the consiglieri informed me this would be a good time to disclose this is fully made up and completely not Andy Rooney, since he's a bit touchy about internet wackos ripping off his image) totally real and not at all phony bit on college football: Enjoy!

-fightinamish

By Andy Rooney Famous reporter and crusty curmudgeon.

Two Minutes on College Football

College football is a game played by collegians. In France, when you talk about "football", they assume you mean a bunch of fruitcakes with long hair and mustaches kicking around a round ball. It's probably best not to start an argument with a Frenchman over this, because it will only lead to further frustration.

Some teams have nicknames. Some are Lions, some are Bears. Some are Nittanies or Bruins, which are just needlessly fancy ways of saying Lions and Bears.

You don't get one point each time you score, each time it's worth something different. Sometimes you get six points, sometimes you get three points, and still other times, for no reason at all, you get an "extra point".

Have you noticed that there are some coaches like Joe Paterno who are very very old? Then, there are other coaches like Pat Fitzgerald who are very young. However, most of the coaches in football fall somewhere between those two in terms of age.

Every conference thinks that they're the best, and even the teams that aren't in a conference think they're better than teams that are in a conference. Since it's not possible for all of them to be right, it's very likely that none of them are.

And doesn't it seem strange that every college football team is composed of dozens of full-grown adult coaches and several dozen college students, and yet for some reason they're all obsessed with "impressing" a bunch of "computers". With all the education on those sidelines, you'd think somebody would point out the implicit absurdity of that very train of thought.

Football is a physical, agressive sport, and sometimes the players get into fights. When things get really heated, a player will take off his helmet and swing it around. Does it strike you as strange that their first instinct is to remove their most vital piece of safety equipment? I don't care if you're out of ammo in a foxhole, the last thing you'd want to use as a weapon is your bulletproof vest.

I've been told that they don't sell beer in college stadiums, so I probably wouldn't want to go to a game. However, I'm also told that people drink it in the parking lots, so there are clearly two sides to every issue.

O Canadabama

Big thanks to the House Rock Built's consiglieri Captain Eclectic, who reminded us on today's Friday Night Lites that if there were no auto industry, Michigan would have been annexed by Canada and would subsequently be Canada's shamefully redneck southern state. Ergo, henceforth my affectionate nickname for the state of Michigan will be "Canadabama". Learn it and love it, then buy a shirt expressing your love:

O, Canadabama, our home and native land.

UPDATE: Now available in women's, cause we all know how much the ladies hate Michigan.

Friday Night Lites - Bringing the Hate

On a very touching Friday Night Lites, we preview the Michigan State game by having a chat with The Enlightened Spartan, then wrap things up with a chat with the House Rock Built's consiglieri Captain Eclectic, who gives a personal account of the life of a tortured Domer hailing from that awful, awful state of Michigan. You want highlights? Here's some highlights:

• We answer the timeless question... after you have sex with a girl, is it impolite to plant a flag in the middle of her bedroom? (Answer: hell no!)
• For some reason, there is some mention of dead fetuses. What the hell is this show coming to?
• We test the education the Enlightened Spartan received at his Agricultural College. The results are less than impressive (he doesn't even know how many gallons of milk the average dairy cow produces in a day).
• We do John L. Smith impersonations. These players are working their backsides off, but the goddamn coaching staff is screwing it all up!
• Speaking of John L. Smith, we found his love parents:
  
  

  Dick Vitale

  +

  Sling Blade

  =

  John L. Smith

And updated Lightning Round stats. Two big hitters today:

Lightning Round Leaderboard
The Enlightened Spartan	5
Captain Eclectic	5
Brian (mgoblog)	5
Yost (The M Zone)	5
Mike (Fire Mark May)	5
Jay (Blue-Gray Sky)	4
Orson (EDSBS)	4

Enjoy, you savages!


MP3 File

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Onward to Glory, One Fake Punt at a Time

Good to be back in town, clones, particularly after an impressive and decisive victory. I have a lot to go through, and while I have a lot to say about the home opener, time is a precious thing during the season and I'm afraid I'll have to hit you with most of my opening weekend observations in quick-hitting list form. I'll review the game itself with another episode of "Good, Bad, and Ugly" and my good friends Dink & Dunk will swing by shortly to wrap up the rest of the college football world, but for now I'd like to focus on the opening day atmosphere in South Bend.

• I was pleasantly surprised by the traffic on the Dan Ryan, as I was able to escape the construction warzone and get out of Illinois in about 20 minutes before hitting the wide open throughfare of the Skyway at around 2PM on Friday. Irish fans from suburban Chicago were not as fortunate, as some sort of disaster on I-294 doubled the trip time.
  
  With South Bend now observing daylight savings time and with awful construction, Chicago has effectively moved about 200 miles further away from South Bend.



• The pep rally was... well, it was a pep rally. The attendence was pretty impressive (although nothing quite like last year's USC pep rally), and the atmosphere was pretty cool. Some of my favorite approximate quotes:

  Weis: Our next speaker thinks he's a pretty good boxer after last summer, but, come on. I probably could have knocked out the guy he fought.
  
  Zbikowski: I may not have Brady's style or Travis [Thomas]'s flash, but I do have... [pause]
  Lone Voice in Crowd: A mohawk!
  Zbikowski: Yes, a mohawk. Parents, don't worry if your kids shave their hair. It grows back.

  Plus some other stuff I can't remember and, of course, some roof-raising.



• The book signing went pretty well. At 9AM on gameday, the crowd is a little bit different. Most of the die-hards are still sleeping off last night at Corby's, so it's a more sedate and easygoing group that we were interacting with. It was solid to start off the day pressing some palms with Scott Eden (author of Touchdown Jesus) and Jim Walsh, our fearless editor. Jim was an absolute hero by gutting it out and signing autographs despite having his entire arm in a sling from fracturing his humerous after falling out of the bathtub while throwing a curve ball in an adult baseball league.



• How freaking cool is this? I actually ran into somebody wearing a t-shirt purchased from The House Rock Built's official store! Cha-ching! Word is, it was fairly well-received by Penn State fans, who apparently have a pretty good sense of humor in regards to all things zombie-related (hell, Zombie Nation is apparently an unofficial fight song at their home games), so that's good to know. I would have felt slightly guilty if he had been beaten within an inch of his life while I scored a two dollar commission, but I probably would have gotten over that pretty quickly.



• The tailgating scene was very impressive, and the always-annoying harrassment from the local Keystone Kops seemed a bit more subdued than previous years. With the fun police in check, there was ample liquor-swigging, football-tossing, and dancing, dancing, dancing. Actually, I mercifully did not see any portable dance floors or break-dancing, which supports my theory that those were vestiges of the Willingham era directly caused by horrible coaching.



• My own tailgating was derailed by a stomach virus which knocked me down for intermittent periods of the morning. However, I fought through it and did my best to quell my nausea with beers and Johnny Walker Blue shots (to mixed results). While tailgating with Jim Walsh and observing my illness and his sling which was rapidly filling with sweat on a sweltering day, we both shrugged and laughed about the old axiom: "You have to suffer for your passions." No complaints here.
  
  
• Having gone down without a ticket, I was expecting to watch the game at a local tavern and hold out for the possibility of a ticket miraculously appearing. Near kickoff, I wandered over to test the market for a ticket, and observed that it had effectively collapsed. Supply outweighed demand by about 500 to one. The entire south half of the stadium was littered with fans hoisting fingers aloft, and even the scalpers were asking people if they could buy tickets, rather than sell them. The market had effectively crashed, and understanding the simple economics of what one can reasonably earn by selling the last product that thousands of people want, I decided to take in the game with our friends at NBC.



• After Zbikowski housed the fumble return to put the game up 27-0 a few minutes after halftime, the House Rock Built's official consiegliere Captain Eclectic fired off the comment of the day:

  Captain Eclectic: We have to leave now. We have to leave right now
  Me: Why?
  Captain Eclectic: Because the bus back to Chicago leaves 30 minutes after the game is over. And this game is over.

  
  
  Funny guy. I wish he was as good at getting DUI convictions overturned as he is at making football wisecracks, but I guess that's too much to ask.



• When I was interviewed by Black Shoe Diaries, I told them that by the end of the game, they will know the name Travis Thomas. I bet there isn't a Penn State fan in the world who doesn't know who Travis Thomas is today. [pats self on back for awesome act of punditry]

Well, that's my rundown from gameday. More stuff coming... when I find a spare moment.