Constructive Summer

The smell of fresh-cut grass, the mournful whine of police sirens racing after football players fleeing a bar brawl, and the fragrant aroma of mold being blasted out of a long-unused cooler combined with vomit from two-a-days. Football season is near, and there's nowhere to hide from it.

The House Rock Built has had a very constructive summer vacation from blogging. Needless to say, we were all in the need for a little bit of a breather after a soul-crushing year of pigskin in 2007, and The House was no exception. Between growing some mutton chops, recording some tunes, and blasting off to Hong Kong and Thailand for a few weeks to soul-search/feed tigers/father a child with a local/lose hundreds of dollars playing Sic-Bo, the batteries are just about fully recharged. We're locked and loaded for 2008, come hell or high water.

In addition to being back in business, The House Rock Built made some off-season deals that will, with any luck, increase the quality and quantity of content for you to gobble up. In a landmark deal, The House has acquired the services of The Kid from Fire Mark May, a hard-throwing righty whose rise from blogosphere neophyte to award-winning cult icon in a mere year of blogging captured the imagination of a nation. Needless to say, it wasn't cheap, as I had to ship Trev Alberts a carton of Newports, a conditional sixth round draft pick, and release the bodies of three of his recently-killed soldiers. As you'd expect, the exchange took place, like nearly all nefarious dealings do, on a runway of an abandoned airport in The Gambia.

The first known picture of The Kid.

The Kid will be blogging here under the moniker "irishoutsider", so you can probably expect the amount of zany, off-the-wall goofiness to roughly double, depending on work levels and alcohol intake. Cultivating hobbies and relationships are fine and dandy eight months out of the year, but once training camp comes, it's time to kick both to the curb, strap on your beer funnel helmet, and dive feet-first into the churning chumbucket that is the 2008 college football season. Gentlemen, start your engines.

-fightinamish

Le Pierrot Triste

From the SBT:

Maybe the most indicting numbers regarding Notre Dame's pass protection, or lack thereof, this season came the week after the Irish lost to Navy in triple-overtime. In the 48-46 loss to the Mids, ND yielded four sacks to a team that had recorded only five all season. That gave the Irish 49 sacks yielded -- 11 more than the old school record.

Well, the next week the Mids played North Texas, the worst Football Bowl Subdivision team in the Sagarin computer and one of 32 the Irish actually would beat, according to Sagarin (no, Duke and Stanford are not on the list of beatable teams).

In the North Texas game, Mean Green quarterback Giovanni Vizza attempted 50 passes and was not sacked once. What's more, in the 72-62 loss to the Mids, he completed 40 of those passes for 478 yards and eight touchdowns -- and he rushed for 97 yards on 13 carries.

And Vizza, for the record, is a true freshman.

Sorry I haven't been posting. I think that block of text pretty much sums up this last month or so. Again, sorry. The House thrives on upbeat, quirky humorous commentary, and there is just no joy in Mudville this year. Each week I attend these shitfest games and sink deeper and deeper into a detached nothingness. In that dark spot, I just can't produce anything snappy for you to enjoy. Maybe it's a lame excuse, but that's all I've got.

The plus side? The season's almost over. High fives and banana daiquiris for everyone!

The House Rock Built Woke Up in Ybor City

Well, kids, the Hobo Tour 2007 continues this weekend with a doubleheader of monster proportions. I'm just heading out to O'Hare to cruise down to Tampa to take in the USF-West Virginia game tonight, and will cap off the weekend by surfing up to Gainesville to watch Florida-Auburn. I've packed my deep south survival kit, and will report back on my covert operation deep in the heart of the scary South. Anyone want any souvenirs? I'm already going to try to stuff Percy Harvin into my carry-on bag and give him to Charlie Weis, so I'm not going to have a lot of extra room.

Anyway, take care of the joint while I'm gone. Go Irish and War Eagle and Go Gators and whatnot.

You don't wann go there, mama. Dem's a bad place.

The House Rock Built is Way Behind

The House really wants to deliver its snarky blogpoll ballot before the acutall poll comes out tomorrow afternoon, but a vast shortage of time has rendered that impossible. My ballot has been submitted and is, if I might brag a bit, pretty whacked out. My full explanation will come like Wednesday-evening-ish. Sneak preview: for the second poll in a row, the subtitle of the post will be a line from a country music song. Has the House Rock Bult gone mad? Very possibly, yes.

Ultimately, it came down to getting you this writeup tonight or finishing up the newest Dink & Dunk. Unfortunately, inspiration struck tonight, and I had to throw myself at this week's strip. I'll catch up with you Wednesday evening.

The House Rock Built is Deep Undercover

Well, ladies, it's football season, so it's time for The House Rock Built to emerge from his watery lair at the bottom of the swamp and entertain you kiddos for another fantastic football season. My first assignment? A dangerous secret mission deep in the heart of enemy territory. That's right, clones, The House Rock built is currently holed up in a hotel in none other than Ann Arbor, Michigan. But don't worry, readers, I made sure I was up to date on my immunizations before I stepped foot in this lovely hamlet (she is a whore, you know...)

A routine business trip put your enterprising editor right in the belly of the beast, and so far the subterfuge is going well. So far I've hoisted some pints with mgoblog at the local speak-easy, gave a loving vaffangulo gesture to the Big House as I drove by, impregnated several Wolverine co-eds, and, most importantly, I'm currently in the process of getting my smoking room at the Holiday Inn Express condemned by plowing through three packs of Parliament lights while blogging. I'm doing this for all of you. You're very welcome.

Anyway, so far I've survived. Any requests for specific defacement of the Michigan campus can be made in the comments. I can't promise I'll get to all of them (I can only muster up so many deuces, dammit. I'm not a machine), but I'll give it my best shot.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

What's Up With the Colors?

Brian @ mgoblog sent out an e-mail last night explaining a little thing for bloggers to do to show solidarity with Virginia Tech. Suffice to say, this writer is horribly unqualified to make any commentary on the shock and grief in Blacksburg, but hopefully this small gesture on the part of the blogosphere will keep the people of Virginia Tech in our thoughts & prayers.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Well, kids, it's been a while since the House has rapped with you, so I thought I'd drop in and reintroduce myself. Like all of you, I'm struggling through the dark ages of the football offseason and doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Between my Vegas trip (and subsequent trial and acquittal), a new job, baseball season, the NHL playoffs, and my triumphant return to the dating scene, there hasn't been much time to keep the House updated, and for that I deeply apologize.

Not a whole lot has happened this last month, but here's a brief rundown of what has gone down under the dome:

• Brady Quinn performed the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Field yesterday, alongside teammates Ryan Harris and Dan Santucci while wearing a Jackie Robinson Dodgers jersey.





• The recruiting class got a bit bigger, as TE Kyle Rudolph, LB David Posluszny (the All-American's younger brother), and LB Anthony McDonald jumped on board. Dogbook capsules will be up soon, but for now, feast away on some Neil Diamond, you junkies.





• The Spring Game is this Saturday. Amazingly, the forecast is calling for temperatures in the 60's and clear skies, which I will believe when I see. The House Rock Built will be out in full force, pounding beers, beating up nerds, and belting out ear-piercing karaoke of Journey's greatest hits. If any readers are in South Bend, you're more than welcome to swing by and say "yo" and pound a beer with the editorial staff. Details will be made available as they arise.

The House Rock Built Remains on Vacation

Sorry to run off without any warning... things have been pretty busy in the midst of celebrating St. Patrick's Month. This week is the House Rock Built's annual Vegas trip, with guaranteed hilarity to ensue, and next week the House will be hitting the road in east Texas for a week or so. Suffice to say, things will remain quiet around here until after all of that, at which point we will be in full swing for spring practice and have much more entertaining information to pass along.

When the House does come back, we'll be updating on spring practice, planning out our Blue-Gold game festivities (details are still forthcoming, but all readers can expect an open invitation to the HRB tailgate), and checking in with Dink & Dunk. For now, enjoy the hoops tournament and the sunshine and laugh at the fact that, at this very moment, I'm probably in the Nevada desert burying a hooker.

The New Banner is Up!

Well, with the changing times and graduating players, I've decided to revamp the old banner. The theme is "Fightinamish and Friends" and the banner is styled in the manner of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club. It's kind of a tribute to all the personalities who have made these last two years so successful and hilarious.

Essentially, the banner is serving as the House Rock Built's hall of fame. Henceforth, then, if somebody does something awesome or notorious, they can earn their way into the pantheon of the banner. You'll notice that three recently-graduated players made it to the hall, and the House is proud to induct Darius Walker, Brady Quinn, and Jeff Samardzija into the inagural wall of fame class. All three of them had achievements during the career that had a great impact on the team and this website, and are worthy inductees.

If you're an avid reader, you'll probably recognize most of these characters, but if you're a bit confused, here's a handy reader's guide:

(click image for full-size)

1. HR Pufnustuf. Pufnstuf gained immediate fame in college football when Mike Valenti demanded he be hired as Michigan State's defensive coordinator. There's a pretty good chance you've already heard Valenti's rant a thousand times, but you should fire it up one last time, for nostalgia's sake.

2. Darius Walker. Michigan, 2004. An unheralded freshman hops off the bench and singlehandedly propels the Irish to victory. He was small, he was slow, and at times I screamed terrible things about him, but he was the centerpiece to the Irish offense for three years and an invaluable asset. Shifty and tenacious, he fought for every yard, caught every pass that was thrown to him, and never ever fumbled the ball. An obvoius choice for the HRB's pantheon.

3. H. Mervin Longfellows. The notorious booster, he dreams of a simpler time when boosters lived by an unwritten code when they paid their players.

4. Papa John. Urban Meyer's identical twin.

5. Neil Diamond. It's a tradition at HRB to get naked and dance to Neil Diamond every time we get a new recruit.

6. Alec Baldwin. The single greatest living actor of all time. Period.

7. Jeff Samardzija

Crazy hair, crazy catches. Rotted on the bench for two years under Willingham and became a two-time All-American under Weis. I can't even count the number of times he blew my mind with electrifying catches, huge plays, and heroism.

8. All-Hairmerican Award. The highest honor bestowed by the House Rock Built. Each year, we compile the All-Hairmerican Team for the greatest hairdos in college football.

9. Anagramaticus. The wise prophet of college football. He rearranges letters to discover hidden truths.

10. Howard Schnellenberger. A badass mustache-sporter who earned the esteem of the House Rock Built for his voting tendencies. He occasionally submits pearls of wisdom to the House Rock Built. 11. Andy French. The patron saint of getting wrecked, calling football coaches, and screaming inappropriate things. The inspiration for the House Rock Built's Andy French Cup.

12. The Orgeron. The deranged, psychotic cajun from Ole Miss, he serves as a constant inspiration for House Rock Built insanity. He also writes his own blog called Every Day Should Be Lemsday.

13. Orvis P. Sexton. The House Rock Built's resident gonzo journalist. Wherever there's booze, recreational drugs, and a football game, you can expect to see him with his notepad and pen.

14. Wilford Brimley. The long-lost twin of Purdue coach Joe Tiller, he demands that you eat your damn oatmeal.

15. Dink. A tough-luck Notre Dame fan and co-star of the House Rock Built's official comic strip, Dink & Dunk.

16. Stanford Tree. The worst mascot in sports, and victim of a gangland shooting last year. Charlie Weis is still a person of interest.

17. Brady Quinn. Quinn took over a program in desperate shape and spent four years getting his bones crushed. He never backed down, he never complained, and at the end of his tenure, he had piloted Notre Dame into a new era of offensive prowess. He's the man.

18. Franz Kafka. A House Rock Built favorite. After Mike Kafka won the starting quarterback job at Northwestern, the jokes kind of wrote themselves. Also a lucrative merchandising target.

19. The Robot. Courtesy of Marco.

20. Dunk. The second half of the Dink & Dunk comedy team, a USC fan who is prone to getting ripped and discharging firearms indoors.

21. Touchdown Jesus. The icon of Notre Dame football. His influence is spreading.

22. Knute Rockne. The one and only, the guy this whole blog is named after and dedicated to. Loves his Akvavit.

23. Lou Holtz. The scrappy, diminutive coach with a lisp who made me fall in love with Notre Dame football.

24. Ara Parseghian. He stopped the rain. He won two national championships. Nuff said.

25. Frank Leahy. No Mt. Rushmore of Notre Dame football is complete without this man.

26. Rumple Minze. The liquor of the gods. The House Rock Built owns a super soaker full of this 100-proof peppermint schnapps that we spray fans with during our publicity events.

27. Sparks. Three words. Hooker Killing Fuel.

You Know You Miss The House Rock Built

The House Rock Built has been off the radar recently, and for that I gravely apologize. There are two main reasons for this. First, there's absolutely nothing to report on in these grim weeks of February. Second, chronic alcoholism. Third, Blogger has apparently locked down my site for some sort of anti-spamming campaign. Three! There are THREE reasons I haven't been able to post. First, the grim weeks of February, second, the alcoholism, third, the spam, and fourth, I've been too busy growing mutton chops. FOUR! There are FOUR reasons I haven't been able to post...

Allright, this is getting silly. Here are some pictures of mutton chops to satiate your blood lust. Mutton chops are glorious. Mine are still about a week away from reaching their true potential, but everyone knows the ladies go crazy for chops. My name is Rufus, and that is the Truth-us.

Nevermind the Bollocks

Our IT department has been working around the clock helping complete the transition to Blogger Beta. At this point, we're retroactively assigning labels to every previous post, a downright Sisyphusian effort, but one that I'm pretty passionate about because I think it will enhance your reading experience. I've gotten through about four months of posts today, so there's quite a bit more work left to do.

Just a heads-up, as I'm going through previous posts, I'm fixing any broken image tags and republishing, which I just found out causes old posts to jump to the top of RSS feeds because of the Blogger switchover. There's nothing I can do about this, so just grin and bear it if an old post pops up.

Finally, I've put in a Label browser at the top. It also was quite a bit of labor, but it's a fun way to scroll through the archives of the House Rock Built as sorted by category. When I've made it through labeling all the posts, I think it will be pretty cool. It's a lot more sightly than the Google Ad that prevoiusly was housed underneath the banner.

Oh, and there's a picture of Alec Baldwin in this post so I could use this Label.

Happy V-Day Quickies

Hope everybody had a great Valentine's Day. The House Rock Built celebrated the holiday by getting buck-assed drunk and performing the Vagina Monologues on a street corner in downtown Chicago. Except for the frostbite, it was a good time as always.

• Pardon Our Upgrades. Right, so the site has switched over to the Google/Blogger Beta and while I'm resistant to change, I suppose I can deal with the trauma of categories and whatnot. I'm currently leafing through the back posts and adding labels retroactively. It''s going to be a long process, but I'm excited about it. The most popular label so far? "Recruiting" with 13. The second most? "Urban Meyer is a Weasely Bastard" with 8. Maybe I'm getting predictable...
  
  You'll also notice some advertisements sprinkled about the site. I'm using this offseason to see if sprinkling in some Google advertising will completely wreck the aesthetics of the site or if it will in any way be profitable. Both of those answers are still pending, and I'll likely be tweaking the look of the front page until I find a nice harmony of the appearance of the site and any possible beer money that can come out of it. There's also a link on the sidebar for a jersey & apparel affiliate shop, so if you're going to be buying any jerseys or Notre Dame wear, you can do so and finance the crack habit of your favorite blogger at the same time.
  
  Anyway, the bottom line is that I will be slowly trying to integrate some revenue-type things into the blog without completely becoming a sellout. It's a work in progress and there might be some trial & error in the process.
  
  
  I didn't sell out, son. I bought in. You remember that.



• Rule 3-2-5-e is dead. Everybody has pitched in with glowing praise of this decision, so I'll save you the trouble of reading another raving anti-3-2-5-e rant, as Blue-Gray, EDSBS, and Brian over at the Fanhouse have already dedicated some serious prose to the subject. I'm just happy it's over and am looking forward to the day when 3-2-5-e is just a distant memory and my wide-eyed grandchildren ask me what it was like to live through the awful year it existed.
  
  
  Jamais plus, man. Jamais plus.
  
  
• Notre Dame Girls are Ugly. A funny little story, but seriously, Cook, the Alan Grant-esque commentary is as contrived as a Tobias Fünke Vagina Monologue.



• The Orgeron is Going National. Coach O has done it again, this time in opening a nationwide chain of family restaurants. I had the chickunwaffa there last night, and other than the severed finger on my plate, it was quite tasty.
  
  
  Comminsoontoa CITYNyEAhY'ALL!
  
  
• These Dogbook posts take a long, long, long time to do.

That's all for now, kids. See ya tomorrow.

Signing Day is Coming!

We're one day away from Signing Day, and everyone is on edge. Mike Frank and the gang over at Irish Eyes are furiously making calls tonight to confirm everyone is set to sign and fax their letters of intent. If you're an Irish Eyes member, you can swing by the chat to check out the latest progress. At this point, a large percentage of the 20 commits have been confirmed, but there are still a handful of recruits who haven't answered their phones tonight. We'll be monitoring the situation diligently.

After everything is finalized and the press conference is finished, the House will do a special tribute to the class of 07 for those of you who have had more important things to do than follow recruiting or want a quick refresher of this year's class (complete with The House Rock Built's official prospect rating scale which ranges from one to 8.5 Angry Drunk Vikings).

Serenity Now!

Busy Week... Posting to Resume After Weekend

Well, not a whole hell of a lot is happening in football in these dog days of January. You can check out the latest tidbits at the Fanhouse... Charlie Weis going to trial, the Charlie vs. Urban Deathmatch, and Victor Abiamiri's enormous hands, but you've probably heard all that news already.

Me, I've had a minor setback due to a particularly violent game of pickup football in Wicker Park, so I'm taking some doctor-ordered bedrest. Hey, it was fourth down and the game was on the line... sometimes you just have to be a good soldier and make the ultimate sacrifice. Pray for mojo.

It's all about sacrificing everything for victory. Scars heal, glory is forever. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Vote Early, Vote Often for College Football Blogger Awards

College football bloggers spend a frightening amount of time laboring over their online projects and, in doing so, almost certainly do it at the expense of alienating their employers, their loved ones, and that sink full of dirty dishes that each day becomes more and more overrun with botulism cultures. Nonetheless, they persevere and continue writing, almost entirely motivited by some slightly misguided altruism and a passionate dream to entertain, inform, and make jokes about mustaches and farts for their loyal readers who, ironically enough, alienate their employers and loved ones by spending an inordinate amount of time surfing the internet and laughing at jokes about mustaches and farts.

Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to set aside a week or so at the end of the season to be self-indulgent and hold a little awards ceremony to congratulate themselves on the hard work they are doing for free or the random pennies they get from Google Ads. The fine lads at Rocky Top Talk have set up and hosted the poigniantly un-snappily named "2006 College Football Blogger Awards". And while I would prefer a more endearing sobriquet for the award (like, say, the Bloggies or the CoFoBAs), I still value the concept. Furthermore, I think that the actual hardware should look a lot like the 2005 Fiesta Bowl Trophy, as you can see on your right here. Alas, I'm not the boss.

Anyway, the House has made the ballot for two of these lovely awards, so I thought I'd take a minute to plug my viability as a candidate... the people's candidate.

First up is a nomination for Friday Night Lites for Best Podcast/Audio Thingy. FNL was a really fun project to bring together bloggers and talk shop which, unfortunately, came derailed at the end of the season due to massive technological failure (long story short, I had to put down most of my machinery with a shotgun after it became self-aware and tried to kill me in my sleep).

If you want to get a smattering of FNL, you can listen to some sample episodes, like this one, where I interviewed Michigan bloggers, or this one, where I yapped with Jay from Blue-Gray Sky and Orson from EDSBS. And finally, although it wasn't on a normally-scheduled show, I think that Mike Valenti's timeless rant was a staple of the HRB's audio content, so it probably deserves another listening anyway.

Next up is a nomination for Best Big East/Notre Dame Blog. While it's flattering to make it to the finalists, most right-minded readers (including myself) will be casting their lot with Blue Gray Sky, who are (in the words of my sidebar link to them) the "one and only warlords of Notre Dame football".

So get out there and stuff the box. It's an honor to get this recognition and I'd like to thank my loyal readers for their nominations in the initial poll. I'm hitting the campaign trail these next two weeks, so if you see a 79 Chevy Nova painted blue and gold blasting the Notre Dame fight song in your city, come on by and I'll squirt you in the mouth with a super soaker full of Rumpleminze!

Behold, the ultimate campaign weapon!

Half a Mill for Bail

Not to be too self-indulgent, but I noticed my counter hit another milestone this weekend, rolling over 500,000 visits. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my 200k anniversary, so suffice to say, it's been a great football season for the House Rock Built. Maybe I don't say it enough, but you, the reader, in addition to being the Time Magazine person of the year, are also the House Rock Built's person of the year, so there's another award to hang up in your parents' rec room. All joking aside, it has been a great year and change shooting the straight dookie with you guys about college football, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to do my jam and have loyal readers who are, inexplicably, interested enough to read it while your boss discreetly clears his throat as he looks over your shoulder.

So, let's celebrate! Everyone strip down to your underwear and rock out with me to Jay-Z's 99 Problems.

Checking in via cell phone

Denver is cold and snowy. Wisconsin just saved my bacon. I miss you guys. I'll try to make a real post before the Sugar Bowl, otherwise we'll resume normal posting on the fifth. Go Irish.

Pre-Holiday Wrapup

I'm heading out to the airport in a few hours to brave the frozen tundra of Denver, which apparently is buried underneath nine feet of snow right now. Wish me luck. Last time there was a blizzard in Denver I had to slice open my cab driver and sleep in his entrails for warmth.

And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

So in case you missed it:

The Irish landed Harrison Smith, a big, fast, white safety who has drawn comparisons to John Lynch, Tom Zbikowski, and a bigger, faster, more athletic, football-playing Eminem.


• I think it's a conflict of interest that Urban Meyer gets to sponsor a bowl game:
  
  
  
  
• I'll be out and about for the holiday season. I'm not strictly sure when I'll be able to post again, but I'll most likely be offline until the days leading up to the Sugar Bowl. Turn off the computer and have a mug of my family's secret recipe for egg nog (with lots of brandy and no eggs).

The House Rock Built is Sick

Sorry, kiddos, the House Rock Built has been deathly ill the last few days. Fortunately, not too much has happened in the college football world, but nonetheless, it's a big mea culpa for not keeping everybody up to speed. Provided we're able to wheel over my compter to my iron lung tomorrow, hopefully we'll get some updateage for my loyal viewers.

As a heads up, the First Annual "Bloggies" are in session, and nominations are being accepted this week over at MGo. Hopefully, I can get my nominees up in a post tomorrow, but I'd like to get your input as well before I finalize my list.

Aaaand... since this post needs a punchline, how about Texas having to choose between two different McCoys to quarterback their team during the Alamo bowl. I say, why limit it to two? There's a little known footnote to the NCAA charter that says the Texas Longhorns can draft any able-bodied male in the country whose last name is McCoy as an emergency quarterback. Why not do a tandem of these badass McCoys?

ADA Jack McCoy

Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy