Cyber T-Shirt Cannon: Strike While the Iron is Red and Inflamed

Think fungal infections ravaging through a football team's loins is funny? Your goddamned right you do! Maybe it's time you make a statement with this fashionable shirt from the House Rock Built's gift shop. It's all the rage, you know.

A Historical Primer on College Football Training Camp Outbreaks

Allright, you snickerpusses. Go ahead and have a laugh at the expense of the inflamed groins of Southern Cal's football team. As hard-working, decent football fans who love wang jokes, you're entitled to titter at the misfortunes of the Trojans, who are currently in the midst of a virulent outbreak of jock itch that has consumed fully 25 percent of the team. But before you get too out of control judging USC on this comical scene ripped straight from the pages of Revenge of the Nerds (or, if you're into that whole divine retribution thing, The Ten Commandments), keep in mind that college football has battled with infectious diseases since the very first days of the sport.

Naturally, when you combine several dozen sweaty strapping ballplayers in a low-on-personal-space community like a football training camp, you're creating a very loving environment for scores of creepy crawlies and pathogens to perpetuate their parasitic lifestyles unencumbered. And while USC might be the butt (or groin, if you will) of immature jokes today, they are not the first and certainly won't be the last team to battle microbial pandemics during training camp. A brief historical primer on the top moments in Training Camp Epidemiology:

• 1993, University of Georgia. Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome. In what was otherwise an unspectacular season for the Ray Goff's Bulldogs, the early weeks of August provided a great amount of excitement when recurrences of Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome scorched through training camp. The administration did their best to cover up the outbreak, but as the disease, which hadn't been observed on such a scale since George Miller Berard's 1878 discovery, spread into double digits, a quarantine unit from the CDC was called down to investigate and monitor the situation. Their findings indicated there was no risk for further contamination outside of the camp, and in time the outbreak petered out without any documented fatalities.
  
  
  
• 1981, University of Notre Dame. Dr. Strangelove Syndrome.
  Hopes were running high in South Bend as new coach Gerry Faust stepped on campus, but things took a chilling turn for the worst on a hot day during training camp when Faust's left hand began acting entirely on its own free will. While the training staff initially brushed it off as a result of the stress of taking on one of college football's most demanding jobs, things took a turn for the drastic when two days later, future star tight end Mark Bavaro came down with identical symptoms. Two days later, a ten year old girl in South Bend and an incorrigible boarder collie from Mishawaka named Scraps were stricken, and the town was immediately placed under quarantine. For two agonizing weeks, national guard troops barricaded off the greater South Bend area while harried CDC directors briefed President Ronald Reagan about his heart-wrenching options should the disease break through the quarantine.
  
  Fortunately, the disease was stopped in its tracks during the quarantine, and the barricade was lifted in northwest Indiana. While there were no human fatalities, Scraps did perish in a tragic accident attributed to his free-minded paw. An animated movie documenting his heroic struggle during the dark days of the quarantine come out in 1985, to almost universally negative reviews.
  
  
  
• 1951, Colorado State University. Severe Hiccups.
  A case of chronic hiccups tore through Fort Collins in 1951, striking down nearly 2,000 students and faculty for nearly two months. With the entire coaching staff and nearly all of the players in the throes of agonizing hiccups, coach Bob Davis had little choice the first three games of the season, derailing a promising season for the Rams.



• 1888, Cornell. Koro
  While on its surface, the idea of an entire football team being stricken with Genital Retraction Syndrome seems hilarious, the epidemic and resulting Penis Panic that arose from Ithaca in 1888 is anything but funny. While widespread panics about genital theft is almost only found in the more remote areas of Southeast Asia and Africa, it sprung onto the scene in upstate New York with a vengeance in August of 1888, washing over the entire college and surrounding town in a matter of weeks. In a frenzy, many separate gangs of vigilantes took to the streets the bring to justice the alleged "penis-snatchers", and in a terrifying span of 72 hours, 14 suspected genitalnappers were gunned down, bludgeoned, or strung up in town square. Even more lives were lost as the overmatched police tried to disperse the mobs. Terrified and outmatched, the local law enforcement deserted en masse and left the city to the scraggly groups of bandits who continued their purge of witches for the next several months.
  
  
  
  Almost all records are lost from this lawless period, so it's impossible to come up with an estimate on the amount of carnage. In the autumn of 1888, refugees cautiously returned to the city with police and military escorts, and found, to their shock, a very calm and collected populace who had no memory of any violence occurring. After extinguishing a few fires in burnt-out buildings downtown, the refugees returned and normalcy returned to Ithaca. The Big Red even returned to action on the field, playing their opening game on October 28 against Palmyra High School, which they easily won, 26-0.

So there you have it, a quick primer on training camp outbreaks. So judge not, House Rock Built readers, for it's anyone's guess which campus will be the next victim. In the meantime, stay vigilant and do what I do to stay healthy: wash your hands in boiling bleach ten times a day.

Great Moments in Headline History, Part III

While it's no "Dick to Replace Johnson Against Cocks", today's hall of fame nominee for Great Moments in Headline History goes to this Washington Post article I found during my search to compile this year's All-Hairmerican class. I noticed during the ACC Championship game that Virginia Tech's Right Tackle has a pretty righteous hairdo, and might merit some consideration for an award. However, his official picture on the Hokie website is very clean-cut and disappointing, so I ran a Google search to see if I could find a better snap of him. I couldn't, but I found this article:

...which almost made it all worthwhile.

Blogpoll: I'm So Much Cooler Online Edition

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	25
2	Oklahoma	24
3	California	23
4	Southern Cal	22
5	Florida	21
6	West Virginia	20
7	Oregon	19
8	Clemson	18
9	South Carolina	17
10	Texas	16
11	Wisconsin	15
12	Georgia Tech	14
13	Rutgers	13
14	UCLA	12
15	Nebraska	11
16	Penn State	10
17	Arkansas	9
18	Ohio State	8
19	South Florida	7
20	Louisville	6
21	Boston College	5
22	Texas A&M	4
23	Georgia	3
24	Washington	2
25	Hawaii	1

Howdy Doody, y'all. I submitted my ballot just under the wire, but I'm just giving you the full writeup today. You can check the final blogpoll and see what the blogsphere said. I'm a bit relieved to see that I didn't win any crazy voter awards, so I appear to be in my right mind, for what that's worth. Let's have a look-see...

• You'll notice that the delta is screwed up. Somebody was a little busy and didn't get his ballot in on time last week. Heh.
  
  
• LSU is Number One. What else can I say... after watching their savage beat-down of Virginia Tech, there's really nothing else you can say about this team. Okay, there is exactly one thing you can say about this team. But talk is cheap. A cartoon I frantically whipped up is worth a thousand words:



Geaux-rilla with a chainsaw penis. Our national nightmare has arrived.


• It seems like everyone else loves chainsaw penises, too. As the blogpoll at large also catapulted LSU into the number one spot above idle USC. Nothing against the fine program in Southern California, who dropped a few slots after eating cheeseburgers, but at this point, I'm more bullish on the teams who have really demonstrated their savagery on the field. USC's lone game is a kind of meh victory over Idaho. Worry not, because USC will be back on the scene making people look ridiculous soon enough, and their bump in the polls will follow. I think it's going to be a stormy day in Lincoln.



• Nonexistant Defense? Prepare to plunge. Decked from #8 in my preseason poll to #25 after an unbelievably terrible outing on defense against Louisiana Tech, Hawaii lost all the goodwill they had built with me by showing that a bunch of varsity cheerleaders could rack up 500 yards against them. Sure, Colt Brennan can fun and gun his way to a bunch of victories without any help from the "D", but you can only spin that wheel so many times before your luck runs out. Ditto Louisville. While Middle Tennessee State has an awesome fight song (it's "Take Me Out to the Ballgame") and a totally bad-ass Pegasus mascot, giving up a thousand points and ten thousand yards to them means you're not ready for showtime. It's only a matter of time before somebody ridiculous knocks off the Cards.



A man's mascot. Neigh, a man's man's mascot.


• Greetings, Tyrone Willingham! Your stay in the top 25 will be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I am not your king.
  
  

Well, that's what I've got for you. Tomorrow afternoon I'll put up my scintilating tete-a-tete with mgoblog's Brian Cook, where we talk about the upcoming game, my legendary bedroom skills, Ryan Mallett's customized helmet, and other stuff I'm sure you're dying to know.

"Hand", "Sticky Situation", "Gets Off Easy", and "Hookers". Make Your Own Headline

The good news for Darrell Hand? He gets to stay on the football team. The bad news? He still has to pay Frank.

Now there's a head-scratcher. In case you haven't heard already, DT Darrell Hand was officially handed down his punishment today for his, um dramatic re-enactment of "Pretty Woman". The punishment: he gets to stay in school and will miss three football games.

Those of you keeping score at home, that's one semester suspension from school and athletics for having a spliff in your car and 180 minutes of benchwarming for cruising for hookers. You figure that one out.

Anyway, I did my heavy-handed serious piece on the whole situation over at the Fanhouse, so you can go over the gory details and the potential fallout from this decision over there. Here at the HRB, it's all about fun and games and fart jokes, so I'll lay off anything too preachy at this venue. The bottom line, though, is that there are four possible explanations for what happened:

1.) The University magically decided to take a different approach to athlete suspensions and show more care and common sense than in the previous cases, which were brutal by even the strictest standards. They also decided to do this without telling anybody and the day before a football player got busted. Prognosis: Uh, not likely.

2.) Since soliciting a prostitute is not strictly addressed in the parameters of du Lac (the holy parchment for disciplinary action), whereas there is clear verbage on more commonplace malfeasances like smoking a doobie, Hand skated by on a technicality. Let's call it the Farmer Hoggett Exemption: if there's nothing in the holy parchment that specifically forbids it, then it's OK. Prognosis: Uh, also unlikely. I got busted for holding and booking bets on unsanctioned giraffe races on North Quad my sophomore year, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in du Lac expressly prohibiting that.

3.) The old "selling your soul for football glory" thing...

4.) There's more to this case than we know about, and a thorough review of the case and its circumstances showed that Hand's specific situation was much different than what the headlines will tell you. There is enough exonerating evidence to show no criminal misconduct (i.e., Darrell just told the hooker a dirty knock-knock joke instead of requesting sex for money). Cooler heads prevail and a slap on the wrist is issued.

Please, little baby Jesus, let it be number four. I've always felt that this needed to be done anyway, especially since ResLife (as you students and alumni can undoubtedly confirm) has always had a "shoot first, ask questions later" policy in terms of doling out discipline. If it took the time to hear out the merits of the case and take it for its individual circumstances, well, that would just be a big leap forward for the way student affairs are handled at the dome and a very good sign. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see what more information is released. If we don't hear anything by the time Hand is running around decleating offensive linemen, then popular opinion (and mine as well) will start swaying toward any combination of the other three alternatives.

Ugh. Enough of that. Time for fun and games. My ultra-scientific blogpoll ballot will be released later tonight. In the meantime, be a good Christian and put down the hashpipe and get yourself a streetwalker.

Happy V-Day Quickies

Hope everybody had a great Valentine's Day. The House Rock Built celebrated the holiday by getting buck-assed drunk and performing the Vagina Monologues on a street corner in downtown Chicago. Except for the frostbite, it was a good time as always.

• Pardon Our Upgrades. Right, so the site has switched over to the Google/Blogger Beta and while I'm resistant to change, I suppose I can deal with the trauma of categories and whatnot. I'm currently leafing through the back posts and adding labels retroactively. It''s going to be a long process, but I'm excited about it. The most popular label so far? "Recruiting" with 13. The second most? "Urban Meyer is a Weasely Bastard" with 8. Maybe I'm getting predictable...
  
  You'll also notice some advertisements sprinkled about the site. I'm using this offseason to see if sprinkling in some Google advertising will completely wreck the aesthetics of the site or if it will in any way be profitable. Both of those answers are still pending, and I'll likely be tweaking the look of the front page until I find a nice harmony of the appearance of the site and any possible beer money that can come out of it. There's also a link on the sidebar for a jersey & apparel affiliate shop, so if you're going to be buying any jerseys or Notre Dame wear, you can do so and finance the crack habit of your favorite blogger at the same time.
  
  Anyway, the bottom line is that I will be slowly trying to integrate some revenue-type things into the blog without completely becoming a sellout. It's a work in progress and there might be some trial & error in the process.
  
  
  I didn't sell out, son. I bought in. You remember that.



• Rule 3-2-5-e is dead. Everybody has pitched in with glowing praise of this decision, so I'll save you the trouble of reading another raving anti-3-2-5-e rant, as Blue-Gray, EDSBS, and Brian over at the Fanhouse have already dedicated some serious prose to the subject. I'm just happy it's over and am looking forward to the day when 3-2-5-e is just a distant memory and my wide-eyed grandchildren ask me what it was like to live through the awful year it existed.
  
  
  Jamais plus, man. Jamais plus.
  
  
• Notre Dame Girls are Ugly. A funny little story, but seriously, Cook, the Alan Grant-esque commentary is as contrived as a Tobias Fünke Vagina Monologue.



• The Orgeron is Going National. Coach O has done it again, this time in opening a nationwide chain of family restaurants. I had the chickunwaffa there last night, and other than the severed finger on my plate, it was quite tasty.
  
  
  Comminsoontoa CITYNyEAhY'ALL!
  
  
• These Dogbook posts take a long, long, long time to do.

That's all for now, kids. See ya tomorrow.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Big Uglies Edition

Part Two of Three of the introduction to the latest freshman class, here's the lowdown on the linemen from this year's class.

Your Class of 2007 Dogbook: Big Uglies Edition

Matt Romine, OL, Tulsa, OK
	Height/Weight/40: 6'6", 270, 5.2
	Anagramaticus Says: "I'm a Torment"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Eight Angry Drunk Vikings, an elephant, and a Covered Wagon.
The Lowdown: Romine (pronounced Row-mine, not Rom-mini, as I thought previously) was the lone bit of good news for the Irish at the 2007 Army All-American game, when he committed to Notre Dame in a pre-game hat ceremony. Romine had a huge upside on the offensive line and his commitment was a huge victory for the Irish in drawing top talent out of the notoriously off-limits state of Oklahoma. Romine was recruited heavily by his in-state Sooners, and had Notre Dame fans on edge right up until signing day due to the persistence of Bob Stoops and his staff. Romine was chosen as one of the captains for the west squad of the All-American Bowl and handled himself very admirably at tackle while matched up against the superhuman group of defensive ends on the East squad. Bonus YouTube Footage: "Romine" is one letter from "Bromine", one of nature's more volatile chemicals. Don't believe me? Have a look.

Taylor Dever, OL, Grass Valley, CA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'6", 300, 5.3
	Anagramaticus Says: "Overly Rated"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Six Angry Drunk Vikings, a rhinocerous, and a Beatles Haircut.
The Lowdown: Dever was a big sleeper in the class of 2007. Hailling from the fairly remote confines of Grass Valley, CA (a few miles outside of the curiously-named "Rough and Ready, CA", for what it's worth), Dever flew under the radar of most college programs for the entire recruiting process. However, Dever had a huge growh spurt and added a bunch of weight to his frame, subuseqently having a very dominating season his senior year. At that point, the big-time suitors came calling. Miami(FL) and Nebraska offered him and every school on the west coast started calling him up. Fortunately, Notre Dame was a step ahead of the curve and fired out an early scholarship offer to Dever, who accepted it almost immediately after a visit from the coaching staff. Dever was a great example of proactive recruiting and the payoff for a coaching staff that is able to discover talent and get a foot in the door before everyone else. Dever might need some time to get his body into shape for the college game, but he has a huge frame and all the makings of a big-time contributor. Bonus YouTube Footage: Math-rock duo Hella's "Republic of Rough & Ready". They're from Sacramento, too.

Emeka Nwankwo, OL/DL, Hollywood, FL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'5", 270, 5.2
	Anagramaticus Says: "Weak Know Mean"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and two Blood Diamonds.
The Lowdown: Nwankwo follows in a distinguished line of Irish players with unpronounceable, consonant-laden surnames. His family is from Nigeria, and he was a very desirous prospect in the SEC, with offers from Florida, Florida State, Georgia, and Auburn. Nwankwo was a dominant force on both the offensive and defensive lines in high school, although he was primarily recruited to play OL in college. In recent weeks, there has been talk of Nwankwo playing DL at Notre Dame, although Weis stated in his signing day press conference that no final decision has been made on where he will play just yet. Essentially, he will have this season to try out both sides of the ball and see where his abilities and the team's needs put him. Bonus YouTube Footage: The original "Nigerian Nightmare", Christian Okoye breaks like a thousand tackles in Tecmo Super Bowl.

Andrew Nuss, DL, Ashburn, VA
	Height/Weight/40: 6'5", 285, 5.1
	Anagramaticus Says: "Warns Nudes"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and two handfulls of mixed nuts.
The Lowdown: I had a bit of fun at his expense back in June when he committed to Notre Dame, but hopefully he won't hold it against me, since he's, you know, really really big. Nuss was an early commitment to the Irish and never wavered in his commitment, which was a huge relief considering the craziness that went down with the rest of the class. Originally recruited as an offensive lineman, Nuss has confirmed that he will be switched over to defensive line for his college career. With the new defensive system in place and more opportunity to see the field faster on the defensive side, it seemed to be a pretty easy decision for Nuss. Bonus YouTube Footage: A commercial for "Golden Nuss Chocolate", complete with Univision cheesecake. Muy bueno.

Ian Williams, DT, Longwood, FL
	Height/Weight/40: 6'1", 290, 5.0
	Anagramaticus Says: "I am in a Swill"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings and a spicy kielbasa.
The Lowdown: Coming into 2007, the biggest priority for the recruiting class was signinig a huge, aggressive natural defensive tackle. As great as the class of 2006 was, DT was the one roster spot that was empty, after the high-drama loss of Oklahoma DT Gerald McCoy. Williams' commitment, therefore, was a godsend, stepping into one of the biggest holes in the Irish depth chart. Another beefy prospect from the hotbed of talent in Florida, Williams will be a big part of the redesigned Irish defense in his years at Notre Dame. He's big and powerful, and at 6'1" will have more leverage to play on the inside in a 3-4 system than the other defensive linemen from this class who are all in the 6'5" range. . Bonus YouTube Footage: Get your patchouli stink outta my store, Ian!.

Kerry Neal, DE, Bunn, NC
	Height/Weight/40: 6'3", 230
	Anagramaticus Says: "Kernel Ray"
	HRB Angry Drunk Viking Rating: Seven Angry Drunk Vikings, a vampire, and a plate of Beenie Weenie.
The Lowdown: Kerry Neal was the first commitment in the class, pledging to the Irish nearly a year ago. His commitment came before evaluations and rankings for the class were finalized, so we hardly knew anything about him or his talent when he announced he would be playing for the Irish. However, the coaching staff must have seen something great in his tapes and decided to move in right away, as Neal eventually became a very highly-regarded prospect and the object of many late recruiting pushes by big-time programs. It's a huge testament to the hard work and dedication of the Notre Dame staff that they were able to identify Neal's upside and put the recruiting into top gear while every other college was sitting around talking about the class of 2006. Neal is a great player, but his value increases even more when you consider the new 3-4 defense that will be implemented next year. His size puts him at a bit of a "tweener" position in a 4-3 defense, and he would have to gain or lose weight to move to either a DE or LB position in Minter's system. However, in the 3-4, he is nearly the perfect prototype for an OLB/speed rusher position, and might very well be one of the first players in the class to make an immediate contribution. Bonus YouTube Footage: North Carolina, come on and raise up. Take your shirt off, and spin it around your head. Like a helicoter.

Welcome to the fold. The last six should be up tomorrow.