Blogjammin': Gallows Humor Abounds With mgoblog

In the unlikely experiment that has been my last few years of blogging, I've got to do some pretty cool things, like hug a man in a singlet, break Orson Swindle's clavicle in a game of touch football, and survive the rain-drenched miracle that was the 2006 Michigan State game. But one of my favorite days of the year is when I go toe to toe with the other Brian at mgoblog and duke it out over the upcoming Michigan game.

Verily, we've come a long way since our first blogjam in 2006, when our beloved football teams both had championship aspirations. Each year since our inaugural chat, our teams have circled further and further down the toilet of college football, and it's quite possible we're responsible for it. Nevertheless, we must storm on, even though this upcoming tilt is reaching the paramount of absurd irrelevance. By God, the world needs laughter, or at least that kind of hysterical laughter that squeezes its way out of you between body-wracking sobs and unnecessarily large bites of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.

In 2006, we donned Mexican wrestling uniforms. In 2007, we opted for tapioca wrestling. This year, to commemorate this upcoming game, we put on powdered wigs and breeches and just slapped the ever-loving Christ out of each other. I'm in bold, Brian's in blue. Part two is available over at mgoblog. Spoiler alert, we talk about jamming footballs in people's butts. I've said too much.

fightinamish:Shall we tussle?

mgoblog: Okay, as per usual Proper Grammar and Punctuation will help.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

Sounds good to me.

Allright, (cracks knuckles)....

First things first. During the Utah game, they showed a sign in the Michigan weight room that said, "In a time of crisis you will not rise to the occasion, you will default to your level of preparation". Question: did Rich Rodriguez find that in a fortune cookie? Follow up: isn't it funnier if you add "in bed" to the end?

The answer to the second half of the question provides the answer to the second: "in bed" doesn't really go at the end of this sentence humorously, so it couldn't have come from a fortune cookie. My vote goes to "real estate seminar pamphlet."

Respect the cock!

Possibly... although I think it was originally written in Japanese and hastily translated.

But that's not even the best sign in the weight room. There's one that has a subject-verb agreement error that I'm sure someone pointed out to Barwis once.

Parts of that unfortunate soul's brain are still landing in former Soviet republics.

Times must be hard at the Athletic Department... with all the money they're spending on the stadium and practice facilities, it seems like they're outsourcing everything else.

Did you know you can hire Indian or Eastern European coders for like 10 bucks an hour? I'm looking into this. I plan on introducing MGoStatisticsWhatACountry! next year.

Document the offensive and defensive formations faster! Do you want to see your family again?

Gotta love child labor

It'll be an online version of "Coming to America" except with True Punting Rate and stuff.

I don't even know what that is. I just made it up. BUT UKRANIANS WILL MAKE IT FOR ME.

But I digress.

Indeed you do. So, to gradually guide this to vaguely relevant discussion, what's the quarterback situation going to be this week? It's been a mix and match job so far... will Rodriguez outsource that, too? Are we looking at Sareep Neheedamajet's first start at QB? Or perhaps, dare I say, an adorable golden retriever?

Given the way things have been going they should see if Carlos Brown can throw a bubble screen, but it will be Threet. Threet actually made a ton of good decisions against Miami (Not That Miami) and would have moved the team down the field consistently if he hadn't overthrown every downfield route by 10 yards. Dude needs to relax. Nick Sherdian will probably see time after Threet overthrows Tacopants on third and seven.

As a side note, I'm rooting for the big guy to win the job, as I thought of a really cool nickname for him... "Picabo Threet"

I like "Dual Threet," but that threatens to be *really* sarcastic against teams outside of the MAC.

Yeah... one of the commentators during the Miami game actually used the phrase "Pat White" on that first touchdown. Flabbergasting.

For whatever reason Miami (Not That Miami) was leaving those zone read keepers wide open. You or I could have scored on that play. Steven Threet could have scored on it.

So what, do you suppose, will be the offensive gameplan for Michigan. I can't imagine the Threet keeper is going to be a permanent staple... are you going to try to establish the short passing from the spread that SDSU showed some relative success at doing against the Irish last week?

I really doubt it, actually. Michigan has two types of passes in the arsenal so far: screens and downfield bombs. Throwing across the middle when your quarterback tends to overthrow guys by five yards is asking for a safety to go "look what I found" and intercept your wildly inaccurate pass. I assume the gameplan will be similar to what it was in the first couple games just because that's about all Michigan can do right now. That does include the keeper if Notre Dame chooses to disrespect it like Miami(NTM) did. Michigan is big on respect, capo.

Respect the... aw, dammit. I already used this joke.

I wasn't aware there was an offensive strategy in the last two games... although I didn't see all of the Miami game. My Tivo switched over to that "Hole in the Wall" gameshow about halfway through and I didn't even notice it for 25 minutes.

Actually, in the UFR's I've discovered I really, really like the offensive strategy. There's a half-dozen core plays that all play off each other and create a simple framework in which it's really easy to gash the defense for big chunks of yards. Michigan just sucks at executing it. Really, really sucks.

Really.

I only realized it wasn't the Michigan game when I noticed the pants weren't shiny enough.

Really. So, do you think it can take advantage of a Tenuta "Blitz By God Blitz Everybody" defense?

There are opportunities to do so. When that OLB nominally tasked with covering the little bastard in the slot blitzes and Michigan goes to the bubble screen they're one good block and one missed tackle away from a big chunk of yards. Same with the little flare route that shoots a really fast guy out to the backside of a play that looks like the standard zone read. The opportunites are horizontal, not vertical, and I think the spread sort of limits how exotic your blitzes can get unless you've got the opponent in an unfavorable down and distance. Michigan DC Scott Shafer is a tweed jacket version of Tenuta and he hasn't done much unleashing of the dogs except in obvious passing situations.

Copy that. Allright, serious question. What's the biggest thing you've ever seen Sam McGuffie jump over?

Charlie Weis's....

...ego!

ba DUM ching!

Hi-yo!

No, seriously: Canada.

I saw him jump over Knowshon Moreno while he was jumping over that CMU safety.

I loled.

Allright, you're officially off the Budweiser Hot Seat. Pepper me with your dastardliest questions.

---

Like I said, part two is available at mgoblog. It's a doozy.

Constructive Summer

The smell of fresh-cut grass, the mournful whine of police sirens racing after football players fleeing a bar brawl, and the fragrant aroma of mold being blasted out of a long-unused cooler combined with vomit from two-a-days. Football season is near, and there's nowhere to hide from it.

The House Rock Built has had a very constructive summer vacation from blogging. Needless to say, we were all in the need for a little bit of a breather after a soul-crushing year of pigskin in 2007, and The House was no exception. Between growing some mutton chops, recording some tunes, and blasting off to Hong Kong and Thailand for a few weeks to soul-search/feed tigers/father a child with a local/lose hundreds of dollars playing Sic-Bo, the batteries are just about fully recharged. We're locked and loaded for 2008, come hell or high water.

In addition to being back in business, The House Rock Built made some off-season deals that will, with any luck, increase the quality and quantity of content for you to gobble up. In a landmark deal, The House has acquired the services of The Kid from Fire Mark May, a hard-throwing righty whose rise from blogosphere neophyte to award-winning cult icon in a mere year of blogging captured the imagination of a nation. Needless to say, it wasn't cheap, as I had to ship Trev Alberts a carton of Newports, a conditional sixth round draft pick, and release the bodies of three of his recently-killed soldiers. As you'd expect, the exchange took place, like nearly all nefarious dealings do, on a runway of an abandoned airport in The Gambia.

The first known picture of The Kid.

The Kid will be blogging here under the moniker "irishoutsider", so you can probably expect the amount of zany, off-the-wall goofiness to roughly double, depending on work levels and alcohol intake. Cultivating hobbies and relationships are fine and dandy eight months out of the year, but once training camp comes, it's time to kick both to the curb, strap on your beer funnel helmet, and dive feet-first into the churning chumbucket that is the 2008 college football season. Gentlemen, start your engines.

-fightinamish

Happy Thanksgiving You Pukes!

Orson asked me to whip up something festive for the holidays, and I can't think of anything more festive than the coach cooking you a turducken to celebrate this joyous occasion.

Two Upsets, 250 Beers, and One Broken Femur Later...

The House Rock Built is back from Florida, and I've gotta admit, I got every penny's worth of entertainment in my 36 hours in the Sunshine State. The Friday night showdown at Raymond James Stadium was thrilling, and I stormed the field with the USF students after the Bulls pulled off an improbable upset against the #5 West Virginia Mountaineers. Throw in the fact that they sold beer in the stadium and that I got to grab singlet guy, and you've got the makings of an awesome day.

The guy giving the shocker... his t-shirt says "Groethe > Tebow"

Saturday we took the show on the road to Gainesville and casually watched the Irish game. The Irish Outsider and I decided to do a shot every time the Irish made a grievous blunder, and a half full of interceptions, fumbles, failures to field punts at the 12 yard line, 3rd and 29 conversions acceded, and ridiculous penalties left us staggering drunk before we knew what had happened. The game improved a bit and it looks like this team is slowly learning to play football, which I guess is good. i compare it to a baseball player finally reaching the revelation that you're supposed to hold the skinny end of the bat and immediately having his batting average jump 100 points. Baby steps.

More drinking, more shennanigans, me knocking Orson Swindle unconscious and doing a Shawne Merriman "lights-out dance" over his mangled body during a pickup football game, and the War Eagle pulling out a shocker in the swamp made for a great day. I'm going to post my full travel recap later this afternoon, but I'm back, I'm alive, and I won't be back in Florida until my court date next month.... but I'm telling you, that police horse was just asking to get punched in the face. It was entrapment.

Blogjammin': A Grimly Satisfying Evening With mgoblog

It's Michigan week, so you know what that means. It's time for me to don my traditional Mexican Wrestling mask and unitard and grapple with Brian Cook, the twisted puppet master at mgoblog. We try to be civil in our sparring matches, but once the ring gets filled with tapioca and the wrasslin' commences, it's kill or be killed out there.

Here's part one of our scintilating conversation, where we grapple with important topics like bratwurst made out of sex, world-destroying battles of übermensch punter-gods, the new Big 10 Morse Code Network, sushi on naked women, the sheer massivness of Ryan Mallett, and, occasionally, college football. Part two is over at mgo, here, so you can continue to soak up the madness over there. I'm gonna have a beer and a Vicodin, cause Cook eye-gouges and fishhooks like a crazy motherfucker. I'm in bold, he's in blue.

---

Fightinamish: You ready to tussle?

Brian Cook: Allright, I'm ready. I was finishing up my awesomely fun UFR for Oregon.

Lucky you!

It was awesome. I felt like I was having an ice cream cone made out of sex and brautwurst.

In South Bend they call that a "Charlie Weis". It costs $1.19 at most convenience stores. Cheese is extra.

Irish Cheddar, probably.

It's good stuff.

So should we start this thing?

Let's do it to it. So, right.  Watching the first half of the Oregon game, I kept thinking to myself that the entire Michigan team needs to, I don't know, see a therapist or something.  They look like a complete wreck psychologically.  Do you see the unraveling against Oregon as a direct effect of the loss the week before?

Well... insofar as the loss the week before indicated that our defense sucked, yes. Michigan has always had tons of trouble with spread option attacks until last year, Ohio State nonwithstanding, and that returned with a vengance for three simple reasons: our defensive line is bad, our linebackers are bad, and our secondary is bad. The rest of the implosion was bad luck (seriously: you put in a guy for one carry and he fumbles?) and Henne playing poorly. Oh, and our offensive coordinator being bad at life.

There's something to be said about healthy coping mechanisms.

So, more to the point, does Michigan actually suck or are they actually that top five team under some bizarre voodoo curse that will disappear once they drink the blood of a virgin... like a Catholic priest?

The defense actually sucks. The really sad thing about the Appalachian State game is that there was precious little trickery in their gameplan. They ran the same shotgun zone read handoff 21 times and gashed Michigan with it time and again. Against Oregon they were befuddled. The offense has a chance to be decent, though. They racked up a bunch of yards on both teams and only didn't score on Oregon because of a bunch of somewhat fluky turnovers and some cowardly offensive coordinating. The latter probably won't change but the former should. The offensive line has been pretty good so far, albeit against sketchy competition, and the run game has been good.

This matchup of Irish offense versus Michigan defense should be pretty hilarious.  What happens when the infinitely-resistable force meets the infinitely-movable object?

In this particular instance I think maybe the movable object? That offensive line seems to be the weakest unit amongst many, many weak units in this particular matchup, and one of the few moderately good performers the first couple weeks have  been Shawn Crable and Tim Jamison. Against a more conventional attack -- assuming Demetrius Jones doesn't make an appearance -- they should be more effective. Maybe. I hesitate to say anything positive about this Michigan team.

All hail Zoltan, our benevolent Space Emperor.

Except about Zoltan. Who is frickin' awesome.

He punted six Oregon guys to death last week.

And yet he is benevolent

If you bring him goulash, yes.

I'll be sure to prepare an offering.  He likes it served in the skull of his enemy, right?

Or upon the body of his newly acquired concubines. Like that sushi in Rising Sun.

Mmmm... fishy.  I say in the interest of saving both teams the humiliation of actually playing a game, we just have Geoff Price and Zoltan wrestle at midfield.  At the very least, it'll be letting the best players decide the game.

I would be up for that. At the very least we could get out of there in time to watch teams with, like, victories to their credit.

I take that back. Such an epic duel would probably take 77 years and 77 days.

And would probably destroy several surrounding villages. Millions would be homeless.


A village ten miles from the epicenter of the last Zoltan-Price fight that was completely leveled by the tremendous sonic boom.

And they would eat bears every once in a while

They've fought once before. Astronomers now refer to it as "The Big Bang".

We should totally set this up.

Severe danger of a punt knocking out a DirecTV satellite, though. And then what will the Big Ten Network do?

Late field goal block by App State, stop. Upset of century, stop. Pandemonium on the streets of Ann Arbor, stop.

Big Ten Morse Code.  Call your telegraph provider today and demand it for free!

Given the way the Appalachian State game turned out, that would do huge business in Michigan.

So... anyway. Jimmy Clausen: best swing-passing quarterback ever? How did you evaluate his starting debut? I was obviously a little underwhelmed.

It's obviously hard to make any judgment when your quarterback is either getting his head bashed in, handing the ball off for a negative gain, or throwing a swing pass.  With the combination of a clown car of offensive linemen in front of him and a pee-wee football playbook, it's a little early to make any judgment, positive or negative, about the wonderkid.  Of course, that hasn't stopped Irish fans and bloggers from raving about his "poise" and "composure".  I think a lot of that is reading a bit too much into the tea leaves.

That being said, I liked what I saw when he let the ball loose downfield.  The long pass to Parris where he scrambled out of certain death and threw a strike across his body on the run was a glimpse at what it is that made everyone drool over this kid in high school.  He also gets bonus points for walking out of Beaver Stadium without urine stains on his pants.  If that's not "poise", you tell me what is.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm writing the kid off, but I did think the whole poise thing was overrated. Several times he sat in the pocket until snowed under, taking an unnecessary -- but poised -- sack. Mallett, meanwhile, spent the second half of the Oregon game trying to friggin' kill his receivers by throwing it through their necks. Oh, and throwing balls 60 yards downfield. He was a little caffienated.

Only 60 yards?  That's a dump-off.  You're lucky he didn't throw it into Lake Huron

He looked a little pissed that the coaches were reining him in by not calling any of the routes that ended in Jackson.

Also tall. Pissed and tall.

He is big.  His legs are so long that he has two sets of knees.

He's Robot Paul Bunyan.

That's not a helmet he's wearing... it's an aquarium with wings painted on it.

I... what?

Ryan Mallett's customized helmet. Get it.. cause, like, he's got a big head and... nevermind.

Uh, he's big.  So big that it paralyzes the goofy metaphor region of my brain

Yeah, well, Clausen's so pointy he's, like, bad at football.

Take that.

Fatality.

Anyway, aside from being big and having the ability to throw the ball into another time zone, do you see him turning into a real quarterback while he's spelling Henne or is he still a ways off from being anything but a sideshow freak?

Can I retract something? I called Clausen "the kid". This is obviously incorrect. He's older than Greg Oden.

Clausen, Oden, and Muddy Waters all shared an apartment in Biloxi back in 1931.

I read that somewhere.


Actually, it wasn't an apartment... it was a tent in a shantytown. It was the Great Depression, of course.

Re: Mallett. I don't know. I was initially unimpressed by his debut, but when I went  back and reviewed the tape it looked like he threw a lot of balls that were accurate but, as mentioned, were thrown a million miles an hour into his receivers necks and were therefore dropped. The interception was going to be between Manningham's numbers on a post but Manningham fell down and deflected it upwards. Several of his incompletions were ridiculous longballs into coverage that Michigan was just throwing because it was third and very long and those were safe throws. Michigan obviously coddled him, running a lot, but also let him throw a surprising amount of stuff in between the hashmarks. I think there's a potential for effectiveness on Saturday.

There is also a fairly high probability of a couple interceptions.

But by god they will be really *moving* when they're picked off.

Go ahead and intercept my "broken metatarsal special"... if you dare.

Wait, Google reveals I mean to say "metacarpal"... not that any of our readers would ever find that out.

No problem. Mallett throws it so hard that when it hits your hands it breaks your foot.

---

Whoo, doggy. That's some good stuff. You can read the thrilling conclusion here, if you dare.

Gooooo Food-Ball! The House Rock Built Hobo Tour 07 Hits Northwestern

Bask in its purpleness! Nobody in the stands could explain why there is a giant "Z" at midfield.

Week two is in the books, ladies, and the wheel of pain keeps on a-spinnin'. The House Rock Built took the show on the road this weekend and hoofed it up to Evanston (the mythical magical suburb that is completely inaccessible by any known highway) to take in the Northwestern - Nevada morning game. The only way to get there? Up, Left, Down, Left, dawg.

Difficuilty getting there aside, it was a solid road trip and a good way for me to get Bloo and the interns out of the Fire Mark May compound while Trev Alberts was in his dreaded and hyperdestructive "brown liquor mood". The sun was shining bright, the ladies were... um, nonthreatening, and the game was, in three words, purple, purple, and purpler. I know that, strictly speaking, Nevada-Reno sports "Cobalt Blue", but as you can see, it leans precariously on the indigo side of the visible light spectrum. Combined with the raging "Royal Purple" duds the Wildcats were sporting, the entire scene was horrifyingly nerve-racking for an acute porphyrophobic like myself who has spent years in counseling and countless dollars on prescription medication to control their condition. A lot of positive work was undone in one afternoon... homeboy fell off the wagon.


Fucking kill it!

The locals treated us to some entertainment, particularly this enthusiastic pep poster we spotted on the shuttle from the (free of charge, motherfuckers!) parking lot to Ryan Field. I'd like to introduce the world to "Go Food-Ball!", the newest House Rock Built Neologism that I'm really hoping catches on across the college football world. Say it loud, say it proud. Go Food-Ball.


The newest member of the HRB Neologism family. Eight pounds, six ounces of pure college football hilarity. Photo adeptly snapped by the Irish Outsider.

One final cosmetic note about the game is the incredibly similarity in the logos of the two teams. The similarity is so striking that I can't help but theorize that the only reason these two teams, with nary a geographic or historical tie betwixt them, scheduled each other for a September non-conference game: a drunken challenge between two athletic directors at the annual NCAA rules meetings about who has the better anthropomorphic quasi-purple "N" logo.


Northwestern, meet bizarro Northwestern.

Oh, and the game was awesome, too. In a weekend with some big-time laughers (every game that was broadcast in Chicago was settled by more than 30 points), watching Northwestern's quarterback, C.J. Not-Kafka lead the Cats on a last-minute desperation drive to a game-winning touchdown with 26 seconds left was the thrill of the weekend. All in all, a pretty fun weekend. Keep your eyes open for future stops on the HRB Hobo Tour 07. Stay thirsty, my friends. Go Food-ball.

The House Rock Built is Deep Undercover

Well, ladies, it's football season, so it's time for The House Rock Built to emerge from his watery lair at the bottom of the swamp and entertain you kiddos for another fantastic football season. My first assignment? A dangerous secret mission deep in the heart of enemy territory. That's right, clones, The House Rock built is currently holed up in a hotel in none other than Ann Arbor, Michigan. But don't worry, readers, I made sure I was up to date on my immunizations before I stepped foot in this lovely hamlet (she is a whore, you know...)

A routine business trip put your enterprising editor right in the belly of the beast, and so far the subterfuge is going well. So far I've hoisted some pints with mgoblog at the local speak-easy, gave a loving vaffangulo gesture to the Big House as I drove by, impregnated several Wolverine co-eds, and, most importantly, I'm currently in the process of getting my smoking room at the Holiday Inn Express condemned by plowing through three packs of Parliament lights while blogging. I'm doing this for all of you. You're very welcome.

Anyway, so far I've survived. Any requests for specific defacement of the Michigan campus can be made in the comments. I can't promise I'll get to all of them (I can only muster up so many deuces, dammit. I'm not a machine), but I'll give it my best shot.

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

It's Time to Get Our Gamble On

As we pack up the Truckster Family Road Queen for tomorrow's pilgrimage to South Bend for the spring game, we're throwing up one last post here to go on the record. While the spring game is a life-saving offseason fix for football junkies who are struggling through this long stretch of forced pigskin celibacy, it's ultimately a glorified practice. It's difficult to get too worked up about a split-squad scrimmage with red-jerseyed quarterbacks, at least not to the typical level of bloodlust that we're used to on an average trip to Notre Dame stadium. Fortunately, the good lord has blessed us with two invaluable tools to spice up the action this weekend: booze and gambling.

With the booze already handily taken care of, the Irish Outsider and myself have conferred in our hollowed-out volcano lair this week and come up with seven wagers on the Blue Gold game that will be sure to keep us locked in on the action on the field. What are the stakes, you ask? It's not money, since that's no real motivator (hell, the Irish Outsider drives around on a solid-gold Segway encrusted with Condor eggs). No, my friends, we are making the ultimate bet:

Remember, no rings.

That's right, slap bet. Seven wagers, the net difference in victories will be doled out in slaps to the losing party (e.g., were I to win 5 and lose 2 bets, I would dish out three slaps on IO's mug). Let's have a look at the bets. The lines were set by chief gambling correspondent Free Money Dave.

• FInal Score: Blue -6.5. I'm taking the blue squad and giving 6.5 points. It's an interesting bet, because while Blue has the first team offense, they will be going up against the first team defense on the Gold squad.
  
  HRB's Pick: Blue -6.5
  
  
• Over/Under: 41.5. Irish Outsider picked the Under, which seems to be a pretty wise decision. With the running clock and inexperienced quarterbacks, I'd be stunned if this one went over 41.5 points.


HRB's Pick: Over


• Quarterback Passing Yards, Clausen vs. Sharpley. Clausen -35. I've got Clausen, giving 35 yards. With four quarterbacks alternating series and a threadbare set of receivers, it will be interesting to see if any one quarterback is able to rack up a large amount of passing yards. However, if anybody's going to do it, I feel pretty good with taking Clausen.
  
  HRB's Pick: Clausen -35
  
  
• Rushing Yards, Aldridge vs. Thomas. Thomas -15. Travis Thomas was the MVP of last year's spring game, running roughshod over the defense, including an 80 yard scamper. After spending a year on defense, he's ready to jump back into his old role at running back. IO picked Thomas and gave 15 yards. If James Aldridge can keep up with Thomas, I will be very impressed.
  
  HRB's Pick: Aldridge +15
  
  
• Over/Under on Total Turnovers: 2.5. Another tricky one. There's no blitzing allowed and the QB's will be protected with red jerseys, so there won't be too many hurried, mistake-prone throws. Nevertheless, with the O-Line playing ironman football with no subs, there's going to be a lot of pressure on the backs that could result in some fumbles. Throw in four inexperienced quarterbacks, and I'm thinking we're going over.
  
  HRB's Pick: Over
  
  
• Jersey Number of Game MVP, Odd or Even. A clever one. The IO picked odds, which gives him three of the quarterbacks (Clausen, Jones, Sharpley), the top four receivers (Grimes, West, Hord, and Gallup), and some other big contrubitors (Armando Allen, Zbikowski, and kicker Ryan Burkhart). My evens include QB Zach Frazer, the top two RB's (Thomas and Aldridge), and much of the starting defense.
  
  HRB's Pick: Even
  
  
• Over/Under for Gametime Temperature: 68.5. I took the under, and that feels like free money to me. If the last 8 spring games have taught me nothing, it's that you should always expect cold weather. The weather.com forecaset says 68 and sunny, but I've been burned by optimistic spring forecast in the Midwest too many times. I'm taking a jacket and this bet to the bank.
  
  HRB's Pick: Under

Blogjammin': The Boi From Troy

While it somewhat flies in the face of the spirit of Hate Week, I did keep up with my tradition of reaching out and chatting with an enemy blogger about the upcoming throwdown. Decked out in leather helmets and protective cups, the Boi From Troy and I had a civil chat about the game and used the opportunity to answer some burning questions about our rivals.

And then to fulfill our obligations as enemy fans during Hate Week, we both dressed up like pirates and had a heated slap fight.

I do it for the fans.

Anyway, you can read the other half here (link pending), and here's my interview with BFT:

• Okay, take a step back and pretend that Pete Carroll is the coach of another team... perhaps even your rival team. Would you hate his guts? I mean, have you seen the man's website?
  
  

  If Carroll were able to do for UCLA, Cal or anyone else, I would hate him as much as Irish fans hate Ty Willingham or Bob Davie.  I also hate USC's websites, which, I promise, will have some kind of flash animation before the season is done touting the unprecedented, history-making 2006 football team.  That said, as a person, I really like Pete Carroll.  His optimism is so uplifting, I think I'd like him to run for Governor when Arnold is termed out.

  
  
  
  Think big, man... President Pete Carroll.
  
  
• This clearly isn't the same juggernaut Trojan team from the previous few years, and yet here they are with a Pac 10 title in hand and two wins away from a national championship game. How has this team managed to sustain their level of success despite undergoing a major face lift?
  
  

  Whereas Notre Dame front-loaded its schedule, this Trojan team has a back-loaded schedule.  That has allowed them to improve over the course of the season to the point that they've been able to beat teams that would have grossly out-matched them in September. The other major factor is the defense.  Because the offense has been more methodical in years past, the defense has a chance to rest, make adjustments and game-plan--thus holding two of the most productive offenses in the nation--Oregon and Cal--to ten points or less.

  
  
  
• Which part of this Trojan team scares you the most? That is to say, what weakness or vulnerability keeps you up at night worrying?
  
  

  Two things scare me, especially as this Trojan team matches up against Notre Dame.  Despite improvements to the Special Teams, our punt coverage leaves alot to be desired.  Had they not given up a return for a touchdown against Oregon State, we would not be talking about a Michigan-Ohio State rematch right now.  Likewise, the offense's inability to finish drives this year is frustrating.  While Booty's numbers are comparable to Leinart and Palmer--if not better--we're just not punching the ball in for points.  Against a team like Notre Dame, that could spell trouble. 

  
  
  
  This man is very, very disappointed in you.
  
  
• How do you see this game going down? A "last one to score wins" shootout like last year? A surprisingly low-scoring grindout? As a follow-up, which type of game do you think would give Southern Cal the best shot at winning?
  
  

  I'd like to say that I think it will play out alot like last week's Cal game--a defensive battle opened up late by the Trojans--but I know better.  I think Notre Dame will put Quinn in the shotgun to avoid him getting pressured and making mistakes like he did against Michigan.  USC will try to take Samardzija out like they did with Cal's DeSean Jackson, by having Cushing jam him at the line--especially now that Carlson is out of the equation--which will lead to lots of screen passes to Darius Walker...which will allow Notre Dame to get some long drives, but not necessarily score touchdowns in the red zone.
  
  Meanwhile, on the offensive side of the ball, USC is going to try to run C.J. Gable for a hundred yards or more--regardless of whether they succeed--which means the game will come down to John David Booty's ability to find Steve Smith or Dwayne Jarrett on third or fourth down.
  
  I also expect Charlie Weis to do an onside kick after halftime.

  
  
  
• Do you think that this game should be a play-in for the BCS title game? More to the point, if Notre Dame should somehow find a way to win this game, who would you put in the second spot against OSU?
  
  

  Sorry, but that loss against Michigan gives the Wolverines an advantage head-to-head.  However, I'd put Florida or Arkansas in the title game before wanting to see a rematch.  Imagine what would happen if Michigan were to win the BCS game--the winner of a Notre Dame-SEC Champion Sugar Bowl could lay a fair claim to a national title as well.

  
  
  
  Stupid us, not losing to an unranked team.
  
  
• You have lots of connections in the USC athletic department, so do you know who killed Nicole and Ron?
  
  

  By "connections" you must mean "cancelled checks"...  While I know the BoiFromTroy is read at Heritage Hall, I do not think the Boi is all too welcome.  As far as Ron and Nicole are concerned, I have to plead the fifth...just like O.J.

Solid answers from BFT. You may now resume your regularly-scheduled hate.

Friday... Er... Sunday Night Lites: SMQ Edition

A somewhat abbreviated and horribly delayed Friday Night Lites is up. This week, we welcome the Sunday Morning Quarterback to the show. We caught up with the SMQ at halftime of the Louisville - West Virginia game and chatted about the BCS, the state of college football as the season winds down, and who is for real and who is a fraud.

Sadly, we didn't have time for a lightning round, but we've got a raincheck on that. I think the SMQ can cause some serious damage and rightly deserves a shot at the title, much like an undefeated BCS team deserves a shot at a national title (nice segue, huh?)

Anyway, listen to the chat and enjoy. It seems like we're both like-minded in the scathing necessity for a college football playoff, and as such we're both rooting for massive chaos come selection time and the continued debasement of the mythical "BCS championship" crown.

Prost!

MP3 File

Blogjammin': Pitch Right

In this week's Blogjammin', I meet up with Adam Nettina, a fine Navy blogger who writes primarily at my stomping grounds over at the Fanhouse. He is also the purveyor of a Pitch Right, but primarily does his writing for the paying gig at AOL.

Anchors aweigh:

Now, you're not an alumnus of Navy, but you are a lifelong fan. Out of curiosity, how did you go about becoming a die-hard Navy fan?

I guess the most ironic thing about being involved in the whole college football blogging scene is that I haven't even been to college. For the record, I'm a senior at a High School in the Baltimore area who has been going to Navy football games all my life. Considering my first Army-Navy game was only a few days before my birth, I don't think I'm making too much of an exaggeration. I am, first and foremost, a fan of football and a fan of the United States of America, so I guess the whole Navy football fanatic thing came easily. My love affair with Navy football only intensified once Paul Johnson arrived. Believe it or not there was a day when I was on track to become the next great defensive star at Navy. I attended the 2003 High School camp, and actually played with some of Navy's top recruits for that year. However, my short-lived football career ended the year afterwards when I realized 5'5 people can't tackle 6'5 people. Since then, I've been quite content to lend my support from the stands every Saturday. At the risk of alienating my own readers, I have expressed interest in attending a certain Midwestern Catholic Institution with a perpetually overrated football team on an NROTC scholarship.

A fine choice for a five foot-nothin', hundred and nothin' weakling.

So the biggest story about Navy is that they will be breaking in a new quarterback. Do you know anything about this kid other than that he's Hawaiian? If you don't, then you can just spend a while talking about how awesome Hawaiians are at football.

Kaipo likes to smile, which can either be really encouraging or straight up annoying. Because I've actually met him, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because he seems like a nice young man. I like his enthusiasm and from what everyone says he's apparently the Hawaiian version of Michael Vick. That being said I've already jumped on the Jarod Bryant bandwagon. JB was a running back at HOOVER HIGH (mandatory MTV shout out) before John Parker Wilson was injured his senior year. The guy has great pocket presence considering the experience he's had, and does an excellent job checking down to his second and third reads. He throws a nice ball and can put it right on the money, and has the vision and leg drive needed to run the option and pick up tough yards. Don't be surprised to see Byrant come into the game if Kaipo struggles. And yes, the Pacific Ocean and its islands are home to some of the sickest athletes in the world.

There is simply no denying the awesome hip swivel ability of the hula girl bobblehead on the dashboard of my 86 Camaro.

So, generally, the Irish enjoy a great physical mismatch against the Navy defense. Is this still the case this year, or do you think that this year's Mids defense can challenge the Irish and stop them from moving the ball?

Well from what I've seen your O-Line is horrible so I don't think that's going to be an issue either way. Yes our defensive linemen may tip in at under 250 lbs, but they're fairly quick off the ball and do a decent job against the run. Will they get pressure on Quinn? Probably not, but I'm sure Coach Green will throw in a ton of linebacker blitzes (they're all the rage these days.) The secondary is, talent wise, decent, but those deep zone drops they've got going on probably won't work well against the Irish passing game. The key for Navy will be the linebackers. Rob Caldwell and David Mahoney lead a talented group which can play stout against the run and does a great job stripping the football. If Navy's defense can't force any turnovers and/or put pressure on Quinn, the Irish offense is going to go through the defense like Patton through the Siegfried Line.

Or like General Guglielmo Nasi's sweeping invasion of British Somaliland.

So what's your over/under for passes attempted by Navy on Saturday?

[Somewhere between 10 and 20], and only because Navy is going to need to pass the ball if the team is to have any hope Saturday. I imagine the Irish will stack the line with an eight man front, and I've seen enough of the Domer defense to know they can fly to the football. With that in mind the only way to create some breathing room is to establish the pass. Over-Under on completions is a much different and much more frightening story.

Personally, I think Paul Johnson is a phenomenally underrated coach. Do you think he will eventually move up to a more high-profile coaching job, or do his loyalty and unusual offensive philosophy indicate that he will be with Navy for the long haul?

To tell you truth I just don't know. I've only spoken to him once, and it was more of a "holy hell your Paul freaking Johnson" conversation on my part. I'm sure he'd love to test his system out at the BCS level, but would be going to say a North Carolina really be a step up? I tend to think that Johnson has it pretty good in Annapolis . Word on the street is he makes good money, and if he can have success at one of college footballs most storied institutions why take a job at some middle of the road BCS school? That being said, I think he'll move on eventually. His offense isn't as obscure as most people tend to think, and could be adapted at a number of places. Just don't ask me where.

What's the best Navy-themed movie? Personally, I'm a big fan of Hot Shots! Part Deux.


Beware the chicken in the crossbow. Yet another old Navy trick that Paul Johnson might have up his sleeve this weekend.

The 1997 remake of McHale's Navy was, as far as I'm concerned, a work of Cinematic genius. Not only does it reflect an accurate depiction of real-world terrorist scenarios, but the special effects were far and above whatever Steven F. Spieldberg or Clint Eastwood could muster in their respected movies. I mean think of it Brian! The world's second best terrorist (who is of course a Russian) moves a rogue nuclear arsenal onto the baseball-loving island of San Marino and threatens to obliterate the Pentagon! If this movie doesn't break the stereotypes of post-Cold War, pre-9/11 terrorism, I don't know what does.

On a serious not I'm a big fan of The Enemy Below, Midway, and The Hunt for Red October.

Thanks for stopping by! Good luck this weekend, and try to stay dry.

Blogjammin': House Rock Built Talks Pirates With the SMQ

Lucky you, today you get a double dose of Blogjammin' (like the name? I do), where I bash melons together with another college football blogger about an upcoming game. I'm currently formatting my Blogjammin' with Navy blogger Adam Nettina, where we go over 43 year streaks and, of course, Hot Shots! Part Deux.

Additionally, I enjoyed a savory catered meal on the SMQ's yacht and talked some football. You see, the SMQ needed an expert on East Carolina to preview the Southern Miss-ECU tilt this weekend. As no such individual exists on this earth, I graciously volunteered my time to share my wisdom about ECU, as well as everything I know about pirates (i.e., a lot). Just be warned, a lot of my answers might be slight exaggerations or slight complete fabrications, as I'm a little bit rusty on my East Carolina knowledge. For example, I didn't even know it was a state until this afternoon.

Heading to the Blogger's Summit in Hollowed-out Volcano

An evil cabal of college football bloggers are convening in Chicago tonight for an important meeting. Naturally, this will be held in a fortress in a hollowed-out volcano. Representatives from EDSBS, Blue-Gray Sky, and Fire Mark May will be on hand for this summit. Much of the discussion will be about who among you will live or die. Very important stuff.

Lucky us, there's only one hollowed out volcano in Bucktown and the waiting list is like, months long.

Blog 2 Blog: Bruins Nation

For the first time in a while, I've been able to pull up a barstool with an opponent's blogger and shoot the breeze about the upcoming game. The lads over at firekarldorrell.com Bruins Nation were kind enough to take some time to chat up the upcoming game and the important distinction between Trojan and Bruin drunk hotties.

The complementary Q&A is already up at BN (you'll notice that they misspelled "Weis". I just had to give them hell for that one), so here are their responses to my glib wisecracks. Enjoy!

Okay, let's talk Carl Dorel (see, I'm not going to bother to learn how to spell your head coach's name, either). I'm guessing his seat clocks in on the thermometer somewhere between "en fuego" and "molten magma". What is it about him that drives Bruins Nation so batty?

LOL Nice one Brian. But in all honesty we can't really blame you if you can't spell in his name, considering most of the LA's sport world (outside the members of Bruins Nation) probably still doesn't know his name. As recently as few weeks ago Dodgers manager Grady Little disclosed he had no idea who Karl was.

Now as far as what is it about him that drives us crazy. Well by all accounts Dorrell is a decent and honest guy, who works hard. But we are not exactly sure he works hard at what? We are well into his fourth year in Westwood, and Dorrell's team continues to look unprepared, unfocused on Saturdays. Dorrell continues to look clueless during games days with his idiotic clock management, mind boggling conservative game management with no signs of in game adjustments, and embarrassing and disgraceful losses to opponents with inferior talents, who we have no business losing to. Meanwhile, he really hasn't done much to close the talent gap in recruiting with Southern California, and under him UCLA has fallen behind Cal. But more importantly under Dorrell there hasn't been any improvement in UCLA's on field performance compared to Bob Toledo. Dorrell is still winless against Southern California, and winless against teams with winning record on the road. And right now all signs points to that UCLA football is not heading towards the right direction under Dorrell. Does this sound familiar to you? The only way he can reverse the perception at this point is if he can win at least 4 out of our last 6 regular season games including a victory in our last game at the Rose Bowl.

The UCLA quarterbacking situation is kind of a clown car of the walking wounded. Introduce me to the voiceless Patrick Cowan and what,if anything, you know about how he'll perform.

Patrick Cowan is doing fine. He is doing all right and should be ready to go. We feel confident with him controlling our offense last two weeks. He has had three years in the program and he know's Dorrell's "system" (whatever that is). In any event Cowan is not our concern for Saturday. It's the play calling and coaching schemes that will be our main reasons for ulcer this weekend.

Where I come from, spending three years in the Dorrell system qualifies you for a parking permit. Ba-zing!

It's tough to make an assessment of a Pac 10 team's defense, since it's a widely-believed fact that defense actually doesn't exist west of the Rockies. Is there more to know about the Bruin's D than the arm-tackling mess we're accustomed to seeing on SportsCenter?


Now starting at defensive tackle...

At least statistically speaking Bruin's "D" does appeared to have improved somewhat from last year. We have a defense that is apparently ranked no. 9 in the nation. But then again last Saturday the defense played a real offensive juggernaut for the first time, and promptly gave up more than 250 yards on the ground, and 400 yards of total offense. The defensive coordinator himself admitted in the local rags this week he was out schemed by Oregon's OC. So we are not really sure yet. They do appear to be little more aggressive this year. Our safeties – Chris Horton and Dennis Keyes – are ferocious hitters, and we have a pretty deep and talented defensive line. The question is will our defensive coaches put these guys in position to make plays with good schemes right off the bat this Saturday? Honestly we don't have the answer.

You have the dubious honor of sharing a city with one of the biggest juggernauts in college football. Naturally, this raises the question: Which school has better looking women?

I married a Bruin hotty who I fell in love with during my first week in Westwood at the freshmen dorms and she reads this blog. So what do you think my answer is going to be?

Plus one for touching cute story. Minus one for not spending a few years sampling the goods. Forshame.



Catfight! Catfight catfight catfight! Catfight! Catfight!!



Reading your blog kind of makes me want to huddle up in a corner with a bottle of Bellows Gin and weep, it's just that gloomy. With all the hard feelings out in Westwood, what is your driving force for blogging? Has it become a crusade to impact change in the organization?

No reason to feel sorry for us. Read our blog during the basketball season and you will get a sense how much fun we have writing, reading, and talking up about competent Bruin athletic programs.

We are not really in any kind of crusade. This is not really some kind of "organization." This is really a blog run by 4 Bruin alums, who are good friends and love talking about UCLA. We bleed blue and gold. We love UCLA.

All of us worked our asses off to get into UCLA. 90-95 percent of UCLA students were something like in the top-2 percent of their high school classes. They all have incredibly high standards for themselves as they will go on to get a great education, end up going to elite graduate schools and then do well for themselves as lawyers, doctors, engineers or whatever they end up doing in their professional lives.

Hey, don't be modest. All those brainy eggheads probably play a mean game of World of Warcraft, too.

Isn't it normal for us to impose the same standard/expectation of excellence on our football program, which is one of the two marquee programs of an athletic program, arguably the greatest in the nation? After all we have one of the best basketball coaches in America, and pretty much every single one of our coaches in other sports are kicking ass and winning championships after championships in their respective sports. All we are doing is making the case that Dorrell's program should be held to same kind of standards. And we are just getting the facts out that he isn't getting the job done. That is really it.

What are you hoping for in this game? A big win? A moral victory? A crushing defeat that would seal the fate of your coach?

We are expecting a win. We don't care much for moral victories.

Is it acceptable for a heterosexual man to wear powder blue on any occasion outside of a UCLA football game?

Bruin Blue is always beautiful. I don't see anything wrong with sporting my Bruin blue colored ties during game weeks.

Huzzah! Time to break this bad boy out of the mothballs!

Good luck this Saturday fellas. Here is to a great game and no injuries

GO BRUINS.